On our family vacation in Hawaii I noticed a large lump in my left breast. I figured it was a blocked milk duct that occured since I got pregnant while still breastfeeding little Miss Abby. A few days later I saw the ob/gyn and she said I needed a breast ultrasound. Fast forward a week and I'm getting the ultrasound and the tech saws "hmmm...I'm going to get the doctor". That made me feel real good. Pathologist comes in and says he wants to take a biopsy of the solid mass. These words mean nothing to me then but now that I've read up on cancer the word mass and solid shouldn't go together.
Next day while napping with Abby, phone rings and it's an oncologist's office calling to make my appointment. I'm naturally confused. I haven't even heard from my doctor yet I tell the receptionist, why do I need to see an oncologist? Five minutes later Dr. Daly calls me and says I have your results and you have breast cancer. I'm still sleepy. What??!?! "Oh, do I need to redo the test?" "No...you need to come see me tomorrow and I've already made an appointment for you to meet an oncologist." I swear to God that I am dreaming. This is just some horrible nightmare. Are they sure? What does this mean? How bad is it? I'm still in a foggy daze but she tells me something about the cancer being not too aggressive, moderately differentiated, but I'll need surgery right away and then chemotherapy. Yes, while pregnant. That sank in. I start balling up in tears and can't catch my breath. I don't have anyone in my family with breast cancer. I'm in good health. I take care of myself. I breastfed my daughter for 17 months. I'm pregnant right now. What the fuck? I hang up with the doctor since I can't make sense. I speed dial David at the office. NO answer. I speed dial his cell phone. NO answer. I speed dial my mom's cell phone while texting my husband to call me -- URGENT. NO answer. I speed dial my sister's cell phone. NO answer. This makes sense now, I must be stuck in some kind of nightmare because I can't get ahold of anyone I want to talk to. I pinch myself. No such luck. I am a puddle of tears. And hyperventilating. And wailing. No fucking way.
I can not image how you must be feeling. However the only thing I can say in words of hope are that the advantage to you as a believer is Christ is in your corner. It may not be the best advise or word you want to hear, because I can not image but i think Faith and knowing there is a bigger picture is what you have to hold on to. I love you and will continue to follow your blog. Thank you for sharing the intimate details of your journey. keep it pushing Jessica. much love.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to beat this- remember that there are so many of us who love you and are pulling for you and thinking good thoughts for you and your family every day. Let me know if you ever need someone to vent to- or do something as simple as watch Abby for you while you take some time to yourself to think, scream, or whatever you need. Love you.
ReplyDeletePatti is right. The news is shocking and frightening as hell, and is of course as serious as can be. But at this point, that doesn't mean anything more than "let's get to work and get this fixed." You're doing a great job of being on top of it and investigating and learning. When you're done, if I know you, you'll know as much about this thing as the doctors do. And you'll put your mind and your efforts toward beating this thing and having one more tragedy behind you. You have overcome so much in your young life, this will soon be just another memory on the list. And we'll be there every step of the way.
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