infections, iv's and shots, oh my!

in the final hour i decided against the hickman line. or a PICC line.  i am tired of having foreign objects in my body.  seriously.  although i do have an expander in my formerly-known-as left breast. anyway, remember how excited i was about the fact that no one would be poking my port again? so why would i want another catheter?!?! i thought about it and since i'm doing better now the risks outweigh the benefits of having minor surgery to get a catheter.  just for an additional 4 more days of a seven day course of iv antibiotics? that's nuts. if i need additional surgery related to the mastectomy i can just get an iv.  screw it. all i needed was one more iv (well, actually two but was trying to stretch the one) to finish the iv antibiotics. yesterday and today the iv was hurting. i tried to ignore it but after this morning i decided to just take it out. (thank you sharon!) but even if the iv went bad one or two days early it is at least equivalent to 5 days of antibiotics.  dr. hayden said that i can just continue to the pill form antibiotics until i see dr. mcandrew on monday. phew.

also on monday - i get my lupron shot. oh yay for me. something to look forward to. as dr. mcandrew explained one of the next steps in my fight against this breast cancer is to target the hormones. my tumor was estrogen receptor positive. that means estrogen (and stress) are fuel for the fire.  she wants to use tamoxifen to shut down estrogen production and she wants to use lupron to tell my brain to shut down my ovaries. sharon came over to drop off food and reminded me that lupron may make me crazy. or actually she said "watch out" cause lupron can make me a raging bitch or so she's heard. oh ugh. i mean how can i be even more of a crazy person that I already am?

turning 35 tomorrow. doesn't feel like my birthday. i do not feel like celebrating anything. i mean how can i properly celebrate anything? i want to pretend it is just another day and chill out.  i know it is a "milestone" birthday but i prefer to celebrate my birthday at disneyland with my family like i did last year and i can't do that right now so i'll just pretend it's not happening.  i'll have a 35th birthday next year when i turn 36. shhhhhh. i usually use my birthday as an excuse to take stock of my life and reflect on things i have accomplished and make plans for the future.  let's hold off on that for a little bit.

i'm lying in bed right now. i still have to lay here so my "boo boo" can continue to heal and so I hopefully won't have to do another surgery to fix the skin. i hope it works.

good things that keep me going are how delicious both abby and leo are every day. leo is humungous. he weighed in at 19.5 pounds and 29.5 inches.  he's my little line backer. and my abby gets more gorgeous each day. i love them so much.

email from Ashley...

This is the email I got from Ashley Saturday night after I was being the bad sleepover girl crying at midnight...this was worth posting.  It made me cry again. What a crybaby I am, geeeez.

"in the depths of winter I finally found that within me there lay an invincible summer"

--albert camus

Tomorrow, your goal is to start finding that 'invincible summer' within you and to push away thoughts of fear and dread and negativity and depression as much as possible...this is really important in healing.

(you know what Gandhi Says that thoughts become beliefs and beliefs become words and then it all manifests into action) Remember you know your body and you know what to do...you're amazing and strong and intuitive.

Love u and everythings gonna be right lalala

:)

Home at last!

Dorothy: Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home!

Big *sigh*. I am finally home.  Got here Monday night after a hellish day.  So I thought I was doing great recovering at Ashley's (except for one huge crying episode around midnight where I became the bad sleepover guest who wants to go home at midnight, remember those lame girls? ha ha ha). Anyway, poor Ashley she thought I was clinically depressed and told me to keep my chin up but really at the heart of it all I just missed my precious babies.  I've never been away from them this long. Ever. I wanted to be able to smell Leo's head and kiss his chubby legs even if I can't hold him and be able to hear Abby talking and laughing and saying "Mommaaaaa!"  That's all I really wanted.

Ah, so where was I. Sorry for the tangent.  I woke up the next morning on Sunday with my right arm hurting. At first I thought it was just the iv poke but when Ashley helped remove my pajama top the crevice above my iv poke was red and hard. Infection. Ugh. Ashley speed dialed Dr. Hayden and took photos to send to her HIPAA protected email account.

Oh here I go on another tangent but Barbara Hayden is the most amazing doctor on the planet.  She's the most wonderful hybrid of plastic surgeon, breast cancer support group, psychiatrist, internist and perfectionist.  We heart her so much.  Ashley (aka Dr. Pittman) has a huge crush on her (and so do I).

Dr. Hayden said it seemed like standard phlebitis, a vein infection caused from the bad IV.  This shit is making me so mad at this point because it's not the mastectomy that is hard, it's all the other little stupid things that keep going wrong.  I never should have removed my port.  They could have used it to give me all those transfusions but noooooooo, I was just too happy to assume I was done.  I should have known better.  Keep your port in a little longer until you are done with everything so you know you don't need it for any little emergencies that may arise my fellow cancer warriors!!

So I went back on the rifampin and continued the other keflex antiobiotic, kept my arm elevated and applied constant warm compress.  We also marked the area of redness with a sharpie to monitor the progress.  By the end of the night my arm hurt like the dickens and the redness area had grown.  I had my follow-up appointment scheduled with Dr. McAndrew that next morning so I would continue with that program unless I developed a fever above 100.5.  Cancer patients in treatment know that anytime you get a fever above 100.5, which isn't too crazy for the average person, you must call your doctor immediately.  Anyway, it was so hard to sleep that night but I persevered.  That morning when I woke up I didn't want to bother Ashley (who had already stayed up late and woken up at 1AM to give me my medication plus she'd been frantically (and very lovingly) taking care of me the past week in and out of the hospital). She calls me "her picky patient" - - pffft. I mean, seriously what's the big deal if I call her in the room every couple of minutes to adjust my pillow an inch, scratch my nose or back or give me a sip of water or get me some food or any of my other very b.a.s.i.c requests...(ha ha ha, she's going to love that one). Frankly, she loves bossing and ordering me around and making me take my pills and stay in bed. I started calling her Annie from Misery.  If I got out of bed she would get a sledge hammer and a cement block and well...you remember the movie.  "He wouldn't get out of the cockamamie car?!?!" Mwah ha ha ha!!!

I wanted to let her sleep so I decided to make myself breakfast.  Stupid idea.  I did great making myself an egg and toast but really it was too much for me.  I am really very fragile and weak right now and I don't know how to get my mind to understand and accept that fact.  I'm working on it though.   Anyway, Ashley ran down the stairs to yell at me but it was too late.  I sat and ate but felt really very worn out and it was only 9 in the morning.

We get in the car and I'm stressed. I'm stressed because we might be late (and David was meeting us there and he's ALWAYS early but we were actually early so phew) but mostly I was stressed because I knew they would need to draw blood to do all those blood cultures and the analysis of my clotting issues.  Where would they possibly take blood? Both arm were off limits in my opinion.  Given the way I was feeling I was not in the mood to be my usual nice self.  When I got there I checked in and said "Hi, I have an appointment with Philomena McAndrew in ten minutes, I had my mastectomy with complications Monday and I have phlebitis in my right arm so if I'm going to be kept waiting I am going to leave."  Real serious poker face.  Sure enough they got me in within the half hour and I never waited in the larger waiting room.  Once we were led to a room, I grabbed David's hand and I just started balling.  I told him I just can't take this anymore.  So many little things going wrong. What is especially difficult is that so many people told me that compared to Chemo the mastectomy was a breeze. Wrong. At least for me.  Major surgery is just that. Major. I have decided that for my own experience I am going to wait until I am done with everything then determine what was actually the "hard" part.

I gathered myself and waited for McAndrew.  She came in and gave me her usual warm hug.  She saw my arm and immediately started speed dialing other doctors.  She ended up contacting the infectious disease doctor Robert Winters that I had seen before.  She and he along with Alice Chung decided that I have to do IV antibiotics for seven days.  I start panicking.  Where are they going to get another IV started in my veins?  So frustrating and scary.  After that ordeal Philomena explains more about my tumor make-up from the pathology and explains our next course of treatment.  She wants to start me on the Lupron shot (to shut down my ovaries) today.  I tell her No Way.  I am not going to do it.  She understands I've been through too much recently and says we can skip it. Thank the Lord.  And now for the IV issue...

We went back to the Chemo chairs, a place I never thought I'd be again and get settled into my chair by the window.  My nurse today is Mary Lou, whom I love.  I tell her all that is going on and she yells at me about not keeping my port.  Well duh!!  She says that she is going to get Jose, who is the most awesome medical technician to find an IV for me.  But now there is some drama about whether or not I should get a PICC line installed.  So they try to get me into Cedars to do that immediately but can't get me in until the next day at two.  That means they will have to find an IV.  Jose comes in to take charge and he ties the tourniquet on my arm so tight I am writhing in pain.  I do deep meditative breathing.  Long story short, Jose is the man. He got the IV started and took the requisite 18 vials (that is not an exaggeration) of blood for the cultures and what not, which I think is silly since it isn't all my blood right?  3.5 pints of it plus a bag of platelets are from someone else that I received only days prior.  Guess it doesn't matter.  Regardless after the blood analysis my hematocrit is at 30.5!! (My lowest was 15.9 and the normal healthy range is 42.0-52.0).  That's some good news.  Correction, great news!!

Shout out to all those blood donors out there!!  YOU R O C K!!!

I stayed for another 2 hours getting the drip and finally was able to go home. While there I enjoyed a nice hour long snooze and woke myself up snoring.  SO EMBARRASSING but thankfully at that moment I didn't notice anyone around!! The guy next to me was listening to sports radio about some NFL stuff and that put me to sleep in a New York minute. Apparently I've been going about the white noise and rain sound machines all wrong. I just need some KSPN 710 AM and I'm out like a light.

At Tower I talked with David and Ashley about missing home.  While I slept they got a plan in gear to get me home, home that afternoon.  Ashley went home to grab all my stuff and take it to the house for me.  She is the most hospitable host, the hostess with the mostess, I have no idea how to thank her properly but I've got an idea up my sleeve.  Ash, thanks for being such a huge blessing in my life.

I am now having home care of vancomyacin through the IV (2x per day on the 10's).  A service delivered the goods to the house and a nurse came to show us how to do it last night around 9:30PM.  I was worried David or my mom would be nervous.  The nurse set it up for us that night and then around 11:30 David took off the medicine pod and flushed my IV.  I was so proud and thankful. He usually doesn't do well around that kind of thing. We were both really worried about it but it turned out to be easy peasy.  Piece of Cake.  Easy as Pie. Hmmm, I think I might be hungry now.  I have several more days of the antibiotics but instead of being poked again on a delicate arm I am going to St. John's Thursday morning to get a hickman line put in (can't do a PICC line because that goes in the arm and I don't have any free ones at the moment).  That way if I need blood draws or anything else and since I am having possibly one or more surgeries and maybe it will come in handy.  When I am done, done in August or September (or possibly much, much earlier) I will get it out.  It was a debate I struggled with since, really, with the vanco all really need is one more poke for a second IV on Thursday but seriously, where will they be able to do it.  My arm is bruised and swollen and there's the incision site from the removal of the port.  It's an absolute mess.

Alright folks.  I'm tired.  It was so nice to get this out on digital paper and feel like I am reconnecting a little bit more with the world.

3.5 times the Charm

I was just discharged from the hospital, yeah!!  F I V E days later.  Um, so things did not go as well as planned.  I ended up having 3 and a half transfusions.  The first one and a half plus a bag of platelets I told you about in the last post.  Then the second two last night.  I'm feeling much better now.  I have some color to my face and lips, apparently they were grey and my skin was yellow.  No one ever tells you to powder your nose when you really need to.

More later.  

Happy Passover and Happy Easter!

First round done/Update from Hospital

Oy.  i am so out of it

The first sentence of this blog was written by Jess on her blackberry shortly before passing out again. What she really wanted to say was "holy shit, I am really out of it".

The surgery went well in terms of removing the tumors-- the doctors feel like they removed the tumors with a good margin. Dr. Chung explained to me that they removed 1 LITER of breast tissue, hahahaha. For your information, 1 Liter of fluid is about 1200ccs in breast reconstruction lingo-- for example, 425ccs is a FULL C Cup! I haven't been this flat chested since the 3rd grade.

However, there was a complication with my blood counts- they were and have remained very low-- which means during surgery I had clotting and oozing issues. They were able to complete the surgery successfully, but only did the left (cancerous) side mastectomy and removed the lymph nodes on that side. They did not do anything on my right side at this time because of the clotting issues.
Because of the issues with my blood/platelets, recovery has been more difficult.Yesterday I received a blood transfusion because my counts were getting dangerously low. They gave me platelets first...I had two IV lines but one of them went bad and so it made this transfusion process longer and more difficult. The IV line that was working was in a small vein, so they had to give me the blood very slowly and it kind of kept me up all night, which was really annoying. They tried poking me twice, but couldn't start another IV because my blood pressure was so low.
This morning they were going to give me another half pint of blood but I put my foot down and said no because the IV hurts more than my breast surgery which means something is wrong- they eventually took it out and will monitor. They started another IV with saline only and we'll see if I need more blood.
I did get up for the first time today and walked out into the hallway for about 10 steps. I felt a bit light headed but okay. They don't want me walking very far but not because of the surgery, because my blood counts are so low.
I have been resting and now will try to sleep (with the help of Ativan and Percocet!). Thank you to everybody who has sent me well wishes and flowers and cards and notes and emails and phone calls. I'm sorry I'm so out of it I can't respond to anything.
I'll try to post an update tomorrow with my status report.
Jess

This indecision's bugging me...

Should I stay or should I go now?!?!?

I met with three different doctors on Thursday and it was exhausting.  Of course, It never helps that they always keep you waiting and then you run late to the next one and then the next one. I don't recommend scheduling more than one doctor appointment a day but sometimes it must be done.   Prepare yourself to be stressed out yet completely bored at the same time if you must do it.

Apparently now I have the option to do the reduction and lift on the right at the same time I have the mastectomy and reconstruction on the left.  That is the way that Dr. Hayden scheduled it for Monday but I don't have to do both at the same time if I don't want to.  I can do the right breast one week or one month after the mastectomy or I can wait to do it after radiation.  

I am so tired from thinking about the various pros and cons and going back and forth that I can't even tell you the full story about it.  ONE day left to decide.  Hopefully I figure it out by 5AM Monday morning, that's when I get to "check" in to St. John's.  Shoot me.  

Checking in and Checking out

I have checked myself into the Shutters Hotel by the beach.  I am taking a mental break. Checked in here yesterday afternoon. Had drinks with Jeanne and Christel at Casa del Mar then headed back to Shutters and continued the party at the bar as Kristen, Christina, Maggie and later Moujan joined in.  So fun.

Enjoying some room service now and watching more Arrested Development. Pilates at 11:30 then I return  for lunch and then spa treatments at 1:30. I'm doing something called the Beach Buff and then a facial.  Then I get to go home refreshed.  I can't wait to see my babies.

Tomorrow, ballet at 10. Dr. Chung at 11:15. Dr. Hayden at 2:30 and Dr. Childs at 4PM (don't want to tell you what that one is about...something Chemo related).

Ho Hum

I cannot get myself out of this funk. Today I woke up, took care of Leo for two hours, then put him down to get dressed then had to drive to Vicenti Foods (since I forgot that I had to bring toddler sandwiches to Abby's Easter party at Sunshine preschool) and buy supplies. Came home and frantically made little sandwiches and cut them into little shapes using cookie cutters.  Someone suggested that to me and it stuck in my head. I think the kids would have cared less. It irritated me that, of course, the easy stuff like "fruit" or "cookies" were accounted for by the time the sign up sheet got to me so I had to sign up for "toddler food"...I mean what the hell is that exactly?  If people are bringing sugar and sugar they sho' ain't gonna be wantin' turkey sandwiches now are they!?!?!  Anyway, I made cream cheese and strawberry jelly sandwiches and turkey and cheese sandwiches lovingly cut into ovals, butterflies, cars and hands.  A hand sandwich, anyone?  That's a play on ham sandwich. I do crack myself up. Anyway, made the sandwiches then rushed over to Sunshine, played with Abby then made the switch with my mom so I could go to Tower.  Drove to Tower Oncology for my CBC, pre-op blood work and EKG.  My blood numbers were really low. So I had to have the shot, but this time at least is was a neupogen shot, not the neulasta. Still sucks but I least this is the home stretch...all these things get me through to the surgery on Monday.  I need to be healthy for the surgery.  I sped home to eat some lunch and hang out with Abby a bit then I left for acupuncture, tuina massage and to try infrared sauna for the first time. I am doing three of these sessions this week in hopes of detoxing the chemo drugs out of my system.


I explained to my acupuncturist how I feel so fatigued about everything. I haven't taken my vitamins or herbs in over a week (actually more). I didn't want to get acupuncture. I told her no needles today. I was already poked twice, first for blood tests then for the neupogen. I just don't want to do any of this anymore. Thankfully I dozed off snoring for about half an hour during the acupuncture. I really needed a nap.

I also told my acupuncturist that the discipline of trying to do everything "right" is exhausting. She said I've been on a long journey but it's almost over. Surgery, recovery, then six weeks of radiation. But it just doesn't feel that way to me. How come now that I should see the light at the end of the tunnel I can't make it the extra mile to cross the finish line?  I'm probably just scared.  I mean, I know I am scared. I don't want to even think about my surgery.  I also told her about my scare Thursday and Friday and she said that was a serious roller coaster.  She's right. I haven't climbed the track to the top again yet though. I'm still in a low area of obvious depression. She also said that not only am I dealing with that from cancer but she also pointed out that I am dealing with post-partum issues too. Ugh.


I drove home from my tuina massage, pulled into the garage and sat in my car and cried. I need a break. I just didn't want to be home. The monotony of it all. The routine of it all. I'm not just tired of the cancer treatment I'm tired of everything.  I feel like I've lost my desire for so many things, that zest and that zeal. I used to be such a happy and upbeat person. I'm no good to anyone including myself right now.  I talked to David while he was in Sydney today and told him how I feel mentally tired, physically tired (I'm sure from the low blood counts), emotionally tired and spiritually tired. I told him I just want to check into a spa and take a break. He, of course, agreed and said I should. It sounds good in a way but how do you get away and take a break from your kids without feeling guilty and selfish? I felt like such a bad mother because I didn't want to go inside the house. I didn't want to eat dinner in the kitchen with Abby gabbing in my ear or give her or Leo a bath or put them to bed. It's a high stress thing raising an active 2 year old. I'm constantly on alert and in a state of agitation. She is constantly negotiating something and is generally the "boss" of me. No mommy. Mommy do this. Mommy do that. It's unbearable sometimes. I have to give myself "mommy" time outs a lot lately.  My patience is really running low.  Maybe I need that break more than ever.  A very good friend pointed out to me that I really am no good to the kids if I'm not able to be good to myself, especially now.

I gathered myself up and went inside.  Abby was just sitting down to dinner with my mom and she was so excited to see me.  She wouldn't let me put her down.  I had to go to the restroom and so she had to come too.  She was excitingly talking to me about something and I told her I loved her. She said "I love you momma" and I just looked at her little precious face and started crying. I couldn't keep it together.  I didn't want to alarm her so I told her mommy was "very sad" right now.  She didn't freak out instead she gave me the biggest hug squeezing my neck. How does a 2 year old understand how to comfort her own mother? I stood there letting her hug me.  How do you want to take a break from that and not feel like a horrible person?  I have to figure this out. I need some help maybe.  As David and I so often joke "that's it, I'm calling Pam"...

LIttle Big Scare

I had my breast MRI Thursday morning as planned. David asked me several times to join me and I just didn't think it was a big deal enough for him to have to go there with me and sit outside.  The MRI was routine, the typical heavy metal/techno rave concert except this time I was lying on my stomach with my breasts through two holes, my ears in headphones, my head in a vice and my arms over my head. I would say it was about as comfortable as, oh I don't know, medieval torture?!  After 25 minutes it was over.

I went to Neiman's after that to see Ashley at her trunk show. It was also nice to do some retail therapy.  Three pairs of shoes later I go have lunch with Ashley's mom Renvy. She had a unique experience at 36 after her second child so we talked and talked about these changes I'm currently and about to go through.  One of the things Renvy talked to me about was letting people take care of me and take care of themselves. For instance, she asked if David was being a typical male about the sickness; most men walk or run away or even worse ignore or deny when their partner is sick.  It can cause a lot of strife. Thankfully David has been nothing but supportive.  Sometimes he just wants to "fix" things but since we go to therapy (thank you Pam) he's learned to just listen to me when I need to talk things through. I don't need someone to make a decision for me I usually just want some help in talking myself through a decision algorithm if you will.  She also asked if David seemed scared.  I told her I didn't think so even though I know that deep down he really is.  He asked me 17 different times and ways about going.  Renvy suggested that David wanted to go for me AND for him.  He probably wants to be there for me and so I should just let him.  That is an important lesson to learn. I am so used to trying to do everything on my own and so used to taking care of other people and not wanting to be a bother.  Time to let people take care of me and not feel bad about it or feel like I am an inconvenience.

After lunch I rushed home and Abby was still sleeping. When she woke up we had a great time playing inside and outside, to and fro, upstairs and downstairs, and then we made chocolate coconut cupcakes for Daddy.  Ashley came over to visit and Abby was ecstatic to show off her vocabulary she's gained in the past three weeks since Ashley has been gone.  Too cute.

After dinner I got an email from Dr. Alice Chung and it felt like my world started to fall apart. She said that she talked to Dr. Philomena McAndrew about the results of the tests and that she knew Philomena would be calling me but wanted to follow up with me since there were some abnormalities shown in my nodes on the right.  On the right...well we all know my cancer and my infectious nodes are on the LEFT. In her email she said that I could wait until Tuesday when I had planned to see her or I could come in sooner and can she have my phone number to call me.  I immediately emailed her with my number and told her that I hadn't talked to Philomena but now I am nervous so could she please call me right away?  Thankfully Ashley was giving Abby her bath so I called David to come downstairs and commiserate.  It wasn't really registering with me.  The right side?  What the f u c k??  Alice called me about 5 minutes later, thank you iPhones and blackberry phones, and told me that there were suspicious nodes on the right that didn't show up before but that the MRI isn't entirely accurate on lymph nodes so I need to come in for an ultrasound to double check.  She also said that when she spoke to Philomena that my PET/CT from a few months ago was normal and nothing showed up.  She said not to worry but could I come in first thing tomorrow morning for an ultrasound?  Y E S.  Well the wind was really knocked out of my sails after that so I went upstairs and decided to shut myself in Leo's room and put him to sleep.  I just didn't want to think about it.  If there were infected nodes that are showing up NOW after months of chemotherapy and are new growths that weren't noticed last September then that meant the cancer has metastasized and I am truly a Stage 4 cancer patient.  There is a HUGE difference between Stage 3 and Stage 4.  Stage 4 cancer is considered NOT curable, just treatable because you can manage the disease and the symptoms but you never are considered in remission.

I was exhausted (or looking back on it now I was probably two things - in denial and a bit depressed) so I went to bed early even though I wasn't looking forward to waking up and going into the hospital for the test.  I do know that knowledge is power and that most likely it wasn't going to be anything but I've been so severely disappointed in the past few months about my health that I couldn't make an educated guess either way about the potential results.  All I could do was hope they were fine.  We got to St. John's and waited about half an hour before seeing Alice.  She came in for the clinical portion and didn't feel any palpable nodes.  That was a good sign.  Now on to the ultrasound.  As I lay there I watched the technician roll around the armpit and breast looking at my nodes. Every node that she came to looked to me normal with a healthy layer of fat in it. No dark spots (that's cancer).  Of course I'm not a radiologist but I do know after this whole experience what they are supposed to look like and they looked fine to me.  I made that commented and she agreed. She went to get the radiologist and then Dr. Chung came in too.  That felt ominous.  They kept looking for this one internal mammary node that they thought looked suspicious.  It is larger than normal.  But it still looks healthy.  No reason to biopsy.  That was good news.  He felt they were larger than normal but could be followed up in 6 months time.  Good news.  Phew.  I asked Alice if that still meant I would be safer getting a double mastectomy and she said that it really didn't warrant such a dramatic step.  I don't like that uneasy feeling and having that anxious feeling every six months won't be great for my long term health, I know that much.  I was shaking but I was so relieved.  They decided I should do a mammogram on the right side to check the calcifications I had when they last examined me in September.  They told me to wait in this little area but instead I ran to the other side of the center to tell David that the news was good.  I gave him the hugest hug and it wasn't until then that I realized just how upset I was about all of this.  It isn't until you know you are in the clear and safe that you allow yourself to realize that you were actually scared as hell staring straight down into the fucking abyss.

After the mammogram we got more good news that the calcifications seem the same since last September which is further evidence that I don't need to get the prophylactic mastectomy on the right.

UGGGGHHHHHH.  What a hell of a night and morning.  I am so wiped out.  I am so sick and tired of this emotional and physical roller coaster.  Seriously.  My surgery is scheduled for Monday, April 18th. I have one week before that and all I want to do is runaway. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to be anything. I just want to sit in a room and stare at the wall.  I better call the therapist.  I must be depressed.  I mean, wouldn't you be?  I am about to lose my left breast. That's a huge deal.  Everyone keeps telling me to look on the bright side since after the surgery my cancer will be gone.  I guess so. Or that it will be one more step towards finishing this ordeal, I'll "only" have radiation after this point.  Oh yeah. Just. I'm having one of those dark periods where I can't think positive.  I'm just so pissed off. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm aggravated.  WTF.  Serious pity party alert. Everyone keeps talking about spring break and all I can think of is that for Spring Break 2011 I am getting a mastectomy.  I'm not going on vacation, I'm not taking time off from work, I'm not going somewhere fun to create memories with my kids.  Nope. I'm getting a mastectomy.  Nice.

Plugging along...

Everything is status quo, that is to say status quo in the new normal.  I went to Tower yesterday and my blood counts were good. Good enough that I didn't need to get the "shot" - yeah!! But not good enough to be willy nilly, she said I am still in a fragile state.  Meaning, I shouldn't be taking Abby to toddler group and whatnot considering my counts are still low.  Too late.  I took Abby to Sunshine toddler group Monday and loved it.  She was being such a doll in class. I loved seeing her that way.  She is growing up so fast.  I freaked out a little when I saw a kid with a runny nose. We immediately sani-wiped our hands and I kept her away from the kid.  Just a precaution.

Leo is being so lovable.  He has been fussy lately and then we discover he just wants to be with his momma.  The fact that he knows who I am and that he needs me is the best feeling on earth.  I hardly get to spend time with the little tyke.  I have to "steal" moments away with him from Abby since she still has her jealous moments from time to time.  For instance tonight David and I did a little date night and when I got home I was playing with her but Leo started fussing.  The minute I picked him up to sooth him (and he really did, once again, just want momma) she started with her dramatic "crocodile tear" show that she has worked so hard to perfect.  I see an acting career in her future!

I went to acupuncture this morning followed by ballet...Aimee the instructor did her best with combinations of plies, sautees, and releves to ensure that I don't walk tomorrow without some pain. I do want to say that I am proud of myself for being so dedicated with ballet. I am much better now and I even could follow the more complicated routine when we came center today. Bravo!

After ballet I went straight to Dr. Hayden's office to talk details.  It was a little frustrating since the coordinator told me that after she talked to Barbara that she decided she wanted to be there to go over the photos with me.  It makes sense of course since she is the one who can detail the process and results.  I saw a few nonetheless but I will go back next Monday to sit with her and look at more photos.  I was also concerned because when we started to discuss the surgery and date the coordinator started quoting everything for a double mastectomy.  I told her that was incorrect since Dr. Hayden was the one who convinced me to do a unilateral mastectomy with reduction and lift on the other. So we took photos and talked about a few other items and then I rushed home to eat lunch with Abba Zabba. She'll have to revise the quotes and give me final details next week.  I'm just getting anxious about that since the surgery is supposed to be the 18th which is in two freaking weeks.

Here are a few photos that make me smile.  The first is Leo about a month ago...but you can see the progression of his growth. His middle section growth seems to be inversely proportional to the amount of hair on my head.  Ha ha.

O M G

Well....I've been trying to get into Dr. Hayden's office to see photo results of surgeries similar to what I am doing.  Did I update you and tell you that I am 100% positive I am going to follow Dr. Hayden's advice and get a mastectomy on my left breast? The right breast will get a reduction and lift to match the left. I believe it will work like this - mastectomy, insert expander, pump up expander over a period of 4-6 weeks depending on when I start radiation (that is the key timeline since the expander has to be "fully loaded" before I start radiation; after radiation no more fiddling), radiation for 6 weeks then when I am done and in the clear then the surgery to replace the expander with the final size saline or silicon (another decision to make) implant will take place simultaneously with the reduction and lift of the right breast.  I think.

It's pretty funny.  When you are endowed with large breasts you think they are annoying and a burden. All your girlfriends on the "itty bitty titty committee" are jealous and always talk about wanting larger breasts.  Many of them get implants.  This is serious surgery.  I hate how living in hell-ay jades you into thinking, well, I'll just do this little surgery here and there...nip tuck. No big deal, right? Wrong. I'm scared to have this surgery. I know people who get implants are also making a huge decision but it is cosmetic. They won't have the huge scars slashed across the breasts like I will.  Now let me say I make no judgements on whether anyone chooses to get cosmetic surgery.  I had rhinoplasty myself!! I just wish I hadn't done it now that I know the difference.  My old nose was great. You are never guaranteed the results.  I have to have a second revision surgery since there is a piece of cartilage that pokes out (please don't stare at me funny now trying to see it since I've told you this!).  I've taken my sweet ass time in doing the second surgery. I'm not convinced I really want to do it even. Every single time you go under the knife you take a risk. It is serious trauma to your body. That's why I'm freaking out a bit about the surgery.

Anyway, I was talking about my breasts not my nose.  I had beautiful, amazing, fantastic breasts. I didn't know how blessed I was. I found a photo of them from a beach in Greece back in the day. First of all, to be young again like that. Oy. Second, they were divine. It's just too damn bad. Realistically after having the twins and the second baby they didn't stand a chance. They would never be like they were but I will always wonder, what it?? David commented, and rightfully so, that I am worrying too much about cosmetic outcome. It's because he loves me. He wants me to do the safest thing without doing anything unnecessary like a double mastectomy if I don't need to. Well the cat's out of the bag, I'm vain. Shit. I am really vain. I can't stop thinking about how I used to look, how I look now and how I am going to look.  It's beyond stupid. For instance, I haven't been eating too much (or shall I say, I haven't been eating my normal pig-like amounts) because Chemo has attacked my taste buds and stomach and has taken the thrill of food away from me so I've been losing weight. Yet, I *like* fact that I am losing weight. Ballet is starting to define my body and I'm getting back definition in my arms, legs, rear, and stomach.  I have a bald head from battling cancer and when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I SERIOUSLY need to get my priorities in order!!  Am I right?!?!?  LOL. 

Clearly I need to do more meditation and mental exploration.

So anyway, all that being said, I was waiting for over a week to hear from Dr. Hayden's office and I was starting to get worried. A wandering mind is not a good thing for a cancer patient.  I mean I'm not just trying to get a mommy makeover, I need to get this cancer out of me so why aren't they putting the pedal to the medal?!? See how I have no problem playing the "cancer card" to get what I want. Pathetic. Anyway, I didn't go there but the Dr.'s coordinator finally called me back Friday and had a tentative date for the surgery. Monday, April 18th.  Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.  There's an incredibly violent shift into reality that I wasn't really looking for.  Heeeeelllooooooo!

I'm looking at photos, discussing financials and surgery specifics Tuesday morning. Holy moly. I am really wigging out here. In a little over three weeks my left breast will be removed and so will a portion of my lymph nodes.

I still have to tell you about 1) how I feel certain people are sleepwalking their way through life and how I want to shake them to wake them up 2) falling seriously off the bandwagon foodwise and 3) getting serious deal fatigue with vitamins, herbs, acupuncture and the like.  But right now I am going to go spend some quality time with my little prince and princess.  *Smile*!!!

And Happy Birthday to David today!