Hot. Wet. Mess.

Finally got some sleep last night.

Abby wakes up we make a protein shake and I throw in some raw kale and some L-Glutamine. Tastes pretty good actually. Wheat bread with organic peanut butter.

Pick up Elizabeth, our irreplaceable housekeeper, at the bottom of the hill.

Come back get both of us dressed and we're off to her new Toddler class at Brentwood Presbyterian.  I immediately run into the director and ask to bend her ear. I tell her my situation and how I may not make some classes so is it possible for someone else to bring Abby?  She says grandparents and relatives can bring her and even though they general don't allow nannies to bring children they would make an exception for me. We have a great time at class. Abby is being well behaved and has fun. I look around at the mommies and I'm the only pregnant one. I wonder if I'm the only one with Breast Cancer too.  Probably. Two for two.

Home for lunch. Put some soup and a plum for myself to go. Run out the door while Abby has a mini-meltdown because she doesn't want me to leave. Lately when she sees Roxana she knows the transition is coming and gets real whiny. Poor baby. I don't want to go but I'm late for my appointment with Dr. Mao at the Tao of Wellness.

Listen to my messages and it's Carla from Dr. McAndrew's office. She's scheduled my Port procedure and EKG for Friday at 7:30AM. I get panicky and then I get really pissed. I asked Dr. McAndrew if I could have the weekend off to feel normal before I start to undergo all the procedures. She said not a problem. So I'm confused and upset and I can't keep it together. I am so angry at this point. I don't want to have the Port put in Friday and have to endure a weekend of potential pain (since I have heard the Port procedure isn't exactly a piece of cake and can hurt for a while afterwards).  I realize that I am starting to get really scared. And angry. And panicky. I pull over and call Carla and leave a message telling her that I appreciate her trying to squeeze me in and get the process started immediately but given that I was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago this is all moving so fast and I am freaking out. Dr. McAndrew said it wouldn't be a problem to do the Port monday and start Chemo on Thursday so can I please do that? Anyway, David calls me and I am a hot wet mess. Note to self that you really shouldn't drive while crying. Anyway, I tell him how scared I am and how much I just wanted to have this weekend to myself and pretend like none of this is happening.  He wants to call Carla himself. I told him I left a message already but I know that he wants to do this and that's just fine with me. I have to start letting people help me. I need to start letting people help me.  I pull myself together. Just letting myself realize that I am scared about this made me feel better. No use denying it.

Drive over to the appointment. Put $2 in the meter. Go upstairs and learn that I've arrived at the ART of Wellness. Ugh. Drive down the block to the TAO of Wellness. Scarf down soup in the hallway. Read through the Tao of Wellness magazine. I really like this stuff. It's all about balance in your life, in your diet, in your mind. Why didn't I find this sooner? As I'm eating Carla calls me back to apologize and says she has rescheduled my Port and EKG for Monday at 1pm and 4pm respectively, my chemo "class" with Ann, RN for tomorrow at 3:30pm and Chemo to start Tuesday at 1:30. I am beyond thrilled. What a relief. I can now relax a bit...

Finally go in to have my consultation with Dr. Mao and his associate Kumiko. Love him. Love this "Integrative Oncology" approach. After our discussion we head to a patient room and I get ready for my accupuncture. I lay down, the needles go in, I listen to the mediation tape and do deep breathing. I'm out like a light for the half hour. So many emotions, so many things happening too fast. I'm wiped out.

My half hour ends and Dr. Mao comes in to discuss nutrition and diet. I get my approved list of cancer-fighting and estrogen-reducing foods (necessary since the tumor is ER+) and given the pregnancy I am even approved to eat chicken, eggs, fish and GOAT dairy. Cheese! I can have some cheese! I am very, very excited by this news. Good thing I love feta.

I want to go home and nap but I also need groceries. Everyone has offered to go grocery shopping for me but I don't know how I let someone do that just yet. I always need stuff within the next day or so. Anyway, despite David's wishes I go to Trader Joe's armed with my new list from Dr. Mao. In the store I feel really good. It felt so good to just do something normal and ordinary. I felt anonymous and I loved it. Almost on my way out I run into child psychologist Betsy Brown Braun whom I know through our dear friend Ann Harmsen.  Literally the night before I ordered Betsy's book while on the phone with Sharon (Sharon's recommendation). Her book is "Tell Me What to Say" which helps you discuss topics like sickness and new siblings with your toddlers. I tell Betsy the situation and her response is "FUCK". Yeah, that's how I feel too! Anyway, she tells me that I shouldn't say that I am sick. Sick is a cough or a cold or the flu. Instead it is "Mommy has a problem in her breast and she is taking medicine to fix it". And she wants to make sure that Abby doesn't associate the birth of her baby brother with Mommy's problem. She makes me promise to call her.

On my drive home I talk to my friend/sister Jeanne and try to figure out what they heck to do about the hair and wig situation. She suggests I cut it into a bob and keep the pony tail to make into a wig using my own hair. Then I can have a wig made that's the same short bob style that will be easier to manage and will look similar to my pre-bald state. I'm thinking this sounds good. Will need to do wig research and phone calls next week. Jeanne's going to help.

I get home and I just hit the wall. I put away the perishables and go upstairs to veg out. These marathon days are starting to catch up with me. 20 minutes later I hear "Momma!....Momma!" So I go downstairs to see the little princess. I forget I'm tired and decide to make dinner. I am going to make some wild salmon and I was really excited to make my friend Julie's recipe of what I thought was a bok choy and mushroom saute but as I go to print the recipe I am dissapointed to learn that it is actually a "Spicy Lemony Shiitake Mushroom and Broccoli Rabe" so I don't have the right ingredients. UGH!!  I find another recipe on Epicurious.com for Salmon "Bulgogi" with Bok Choy and Mushrooms and decide to try it out. It comes together super quick and super easy. I use some of the marinade to braise the veggies. I serve it with brown rice. Holy Moly. It turns out ridiculous. Freaking delicious.  Next time I will add some asparagus too and given all the soy sauce no extra salt or pepper.  Alas, I'm very proud of myself.

I make my first "brew" of my special chinese herbs to drink. Not too bad! Sit down to go through the mail and read a lovely and inspiring note from my best friend in High School Aiyana. I wish she lived closer instead of on a farm in Boston!!

In closing, as I sit here and think about all the appointments coming up, I contemplate my last normal weekend. I think this weekend should be about taking a pause and about relaxation and fun.  Oh, and it's Yom Kippur. I'd really like to "close the book" on this chapter and start new anyway!