So where was I? I feel like I've been out of the loop with everyone. Oh yeah, I started Chemo. The Chemo really "kicked in" during the ride to the pharmacy on the way home...I started getting chills and was shaking all over. David leaves to fill the script and about 10 minutes later as I'm trying desperately to figure out the heater and seat warmer in his car he calls to tell me that they have no record of anyone calling in a sript for Jessica Berman. I chatter to him to please just get back to the car and take me home. I have never felt like this. Like I needed to get warm from the inside out. I'm worried I have a fever and I could change the tempurature of the baby's amniotic fluid. Peanut hasn't kicked in a little while not that I would really be able to tell since I'm tightening my stomach through all the shivering. But I'm freaking out nonetheless. We get home and I go straight to bed under the biggest down comforter and I doze on and off for half an hour. I do some ujjayi breathing and breaths of fire and try to meditate. The deep breathing helps. About an hour later it goes away.
Suddenly I'm thirsty and hungry. I intercom David and ask him to please bring me some minestrone soup. He brings me a huge bowl with crackers too. Then I eat a whole bowl of cereal too with almond milk. I'm feeling better. I'm still pushing fluids and therefore going pee every hour on the hour but who cares. They say they pump you with poison to kill the bad cells but good cells die too so they want you to flush it out of the system as quickly as possible. Hence all the hydration and fluid pushing. I'm drinking my water with L-Glutamine to hopefully boost my immune system and prevent mouthsores. Plus I'm really worried about nausea and all the possible GI issues that may come. Please oh please I don't want any nauseau or GI issues!
I get as much sleep as possible in between running to the toilet to pee every hour. I think I got one great 2-3 hour block of sleep after 2:30 in the morning where I had a dream. Actually, I wouldn't call it a dream it was a nightmare. I was on a beautiful white sandy beach with waves crashing peacefully and my Uncle Donny (random because I don't get to see him often) was with Abby playing in the water. All of a sudden a huge rip curl wave comes barreling towards them and they are sucked under the wave. David and I scream and run toward the shore. The wave dissapears and the water is calm again while everyone panics looking for loved ones. I find my Uncle but can't find Abby. I am screaming for her but know that she just HAS to be fine. All of a sudden I don't see anything but I hear the sound of Abby gasping for air like she did in her ISR swim lessons. I follow the sound and see her in the ocean at a distance floating on her back in the water just like she learned in her lessons. Abby!!! I've found her. I swim towards her calling her name and her precious little face looks up at me and I see her beautiful blue eyes and I know she's OK. The whole time I am saying thank god she did those drowning prevention classes. Then I wake up. Strange. I should look up what that means.
Around 6:30 David is up and at 'em and I feel panicky. Will I be able to handle Abby solo until Roxana starts at 8AM (or is it 9AM today?) and I start freaking out. I get out of bed when I hear her calling for Momma and as I walk to her room I feel like I can handle it. I am just so excited to see her face and hold her. She is in a playful mood and gives me hugs while she plays with her lovies and asks for her "moo". David hears and offers to get it (oh, that's milk BTW). Such a good daddy. She's grabbing books and playing with toys and I forget all about that stupid Chemo and my stupid arm and I'm just Momma.
We go in my bed and watch Elmo and she drinks her milk. Then the shit hit the fan. Literally. She had poop and lately she will kick and hit when I have to change it. She has got a big issue with poop lately. I could write a whole new blog dedicated to Abby's bowel movements. The gist is that she doesn't like to go because it hurts so she holds it but when you do that, the colon (which is a really dumb organ) just extracts more fluid out of it making it even firmer and harder to excrete. She's on miralax to combat this but I haven't perfected the dose yet so she's either going too much or too little. Poor baby. After our nice morning she turns into Linda Blair on the changing table kicking and screaming and hitting. I tell her she has to be nice and let mommy change her diaper because we always want a clean bottom. She looks me in the face and hits my arm. I sit back and tell her I'll wait right here until she's done with her big feeling but no matter what she's going to get her diaper changed. We go on like this for about 10 minutes and then it's over. Geez, what time does Roxana start again this morning?!?! I decide to push the envelope and change her clothes too. I let her open her drawer and pick something out. OKAY...She picks her ISR swimming t-shirt that says "I can swim...just watch me". I'm a little spooked by this to say the least.
We get dressed and then it's my turn to change and she helps me pick out clothes. She goes in the closet and pulls out shirts and hangs them on the dresser knobs. First I thought this was cute but now it's pretty annoying. Plus she always wants me to wear "blue, blue, blue"... We play with necklaces and pearls and bracelets. She is just becoming such a little lady. She's like a parrot these days repeating everything she hears. I LOVE IT.
Elizabeth calls to get picked up. Roxana starts at 8 today on the new schedule, woo hoo. I have Roxana pick up Elizabeth and I make Abby some flaxseed and blueberrry oatmeal. She loves it. She's my super healthy baby. But then she sees a strawberry milk at the top of the pantry and has to have it. How the heck did that get there? I look for any other stragglers and find a chocolate and throw it out. We eat breakfast and I'm feeling alright. I play with Abby a little more then start to organize paperwork and figure out my schedule. I send Roxana to the market to get some groceries and I hang out with Abby and Elizabeth. We dance a little to music and Abby rolls on the yoga mat on the floor and plays with her blankets and lovies. When Roxana gets back I tell her I want to shower before all my morning appointments. Abby goes to play outside with Roxana and I go upstairs to find the extra, extra long plastic glove I need to wear to shower. I get one out then wander toward my bed. It looks really good. I decide to rest for 10 minutes...then a half hour later I'm still trying to motivate. Around that time I get a call from my neighbor Lily, who lost her daugher Cara at four months to SIDS. I wrote her a letter after I learned of the news almost a year ago. We are both close to Rabbi Kirschner and he had presided at Ben's service and at her daughters (and Ben and Cara are buried near each other at Hillside). Anyway, she wants to know if we'll be at the "Friends of Mandeville Canyon" party this weekend and I tell her that normally I would since I'm on the Board but I've got a full plate...I explain all to her and she can't believe it. We talk for a while as only sisters in a special SIDS sorority could. Just as I do with my good friend Karen. It's not a sorority you want to join but when you do you are glad to have others who understand your ordeal. We promise to meet in the next few weeks.
I realize at this point that I am going to be late to acupuncture. And definitely no time for a delicate plastic glove take-your-time shower. Dang it. I really, really need to take a shower. Poor David. At least I got my hair washed and blown out the other day...I get to acupuncture and also realize I forgot to eat lunch. I did it again. Nice job Brittany. I nosh on some red grapes.
I get in to see Dr. Kumiko and explain all and she promises to focus the acupuncture on the GI tract, headaches and the lack of energy. You know, the first couple times I had acupuncture I don't remember ever feeling the needles go in. Well, when Dr. Kumiko puts them in she makes sure I "feel" them. Sometimes when she inserts them I feel a tingling sensation then other times I don't. When I don't she sticks it in a little harder. Made that mistake the last time and one needle in my calf hurt about a half hour after the session. Lesson learned. Now I keep mum and really focus on each insertion which means I do feel them all go in. This time I request that she put on the mediation CD. I am laying there doing my deep breathing, thinking the word "calm" as I exhale and I am really feeling alright. At one point in the mediation Dr. Mao says I am to cup my right hand over my left hand then place them both over my powerhouse (lower abdomen). First of all, I'm not moving my arms one iota when I've got needles in both of them. Second of all, I don't have a powerhouse. I have a BABY in there. So I laugh and the baby kicks me. I decide to have a love fest with little Peanut. I keep telling him "Hi baby" and he is kicking me. I ask him if he's hungry and he kicks me. I ask him to decide what he wants for lunch and to let me know ASAP. He is just rolling around doing his somersaults and kicking me and I'm pretty happy to know he's doing just fine considering I flushed my body full of Chemo drugs.
Acupuncture. Check. Food....race over to Golden Mean a vegan cafe down the street and I get the special of "chicken" and "sausage" paella with a side green salad to go (even though Dr. Kumiko said I should only really be eating easy to digest foods which means everything cooked, nothing raw). That vegan paella was delicious. The only problem is they gave me just a child's portion and I really needed an adult, no make that a pregnant lady's portion. I scarf that down while walking to Dr. Daly's office for my Rhogham shot. As I sit there I eat the green salad. Potential GI issues or not I'm starving and I'm eating the salad. That was delicious too. Definitely going back to Golden Mean again. I finally get my shot around 1:35 and I am supposed to be at Tower Oncology for hydration at 2pm, all the way in Beverly Hills and I have to go home first too. I text my girlfriend Maggie (aka Magszie) that I am on my way home where she will meet me to drive me to Tower. I've been driving around all morning and even though I was fine I'm wondering if that was a good idea?
Maggie arrives as I pull into the garage and I jump into her car. As we are heading over to Tower I am trying to check my messages and another call was missed...that was Jennie from Tower checking in on me since I was scheduled for hydration at 1:30 (huh??#?@#) and it is now 2:15...too much stress. I really need to chill out. No nap, eating lunch late and not enough, too many appointments, etc. all these things will all catch up to me if I don't relax. So we get to Tower and I get all hooked up. Hopefully Maggie didn't get weirded out by the hook-ups and all but it wasn't too bad. We catch up for a while and it's nice to just sit there and talk. We order from an organic cafe down the street since I'm still hungry. We each get a fresh pressed veggie juice with ginger and I get a goat cheese, carmelized onion, tomato, spinach and sauteed carrot melt on whole wheat bread. Yes, that's right. Regular wheat bread. I'm too hungry. But oy, the ginger was toxic. Waaaaaay too much ginger in that juice. But since it's supposed to be good for my GI tract I drink some of it, even though it burns my throat like listerine. Oh by the way, I gained 2 pounds since yesterday from all the fluids and I look kind of puffy too. Yeah for me!
So I'm feeling alright folks. Had a nice white fish dinner (with pasta a la checca) and dairy free vegetarian soup (gave myself a free pass tonight) at La Scala with the hubby, sister-in-law Trish (who picked me up from Tower after Maggie left), Abby and Roxana. Abby of course was being a super star preferring to eat the veggie puree over the pasta marinara and being such a grown up in her booster chair all the while not making a peep. I am so proud of her. She is, however, growing up too fast and that makes me sad. I am starting to feel guilty that I haven't been spending as much time with her as I 'd like. I know I'm supposed to make it quality time but I still want more time. I can't have another hectic day like this. Hopefully things will slow down now.
Just before dinner I got the sad news that my Uncle Michael Tavares passed away today due to severe complications resulting from lithium toxicity. He was a really sweet man who loved music, animals, sports, and his family, including his "adopted" family at Las Palmas Mexican Restaurant. I am happy David got to meet him. Uncle Mike taught me to play tennis and took me to meet several tennis super stars. He led a simple and happy life and he will be missed. I hope he gets to meet Ben in Heaven and teach him about sports and music. I love you Uncle Mike. May you rest in peace.
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