This coming weekend is the Avon Walk...which I haven't trained for. I am really nervous and scared even. Technically, I could just walk 39 steps and call it a day but that just isn't my personality. Speaking of personalities I am still trying to walk my talk about being positive and seeing things in a gracious light. It sure is hard sometimes. Sometimes I feel down. Sometimes I feel blue. But I have to remember to acknowledge how I feel then let it go. Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do.
I haven't "let go" about Ben's death. I got a massage earlier in the week (figured it would help for the walk) and after explaining my story I told the masseuse that I believe in emotions manifesting themselves in our bodies. I know there is research done that documents how spouses who have been partners for lengths of time loses one to cancer the other can die of cancer or another disease shortly after. I know that isn't completely fact since it doesn't always happen but I believe that grief can still play a deep role in dis-ease. I just started balling like a baby for Ben during this massage. I know that I needed to release and let go. He's not coming back. I can never change what happened.
For the most part I am barely keeping things together as a mother with the two kids, this house, the two dogs and a nanny who isn't helping all that much (her replacement starts Monday, woo hoo!!). My focus is the kids right now. I have things I need to do for myself like wear my brava dome, another surgery, take my supplements, and take my tamoxifen. I haven't been doing these things I am ashamed to say. I take the tamoxifen sporadically. I know Dr. McAndrew said that the Lupron has my ovaries shut down and the tamoxifen is back up but I just can't get my act together. I don't even want to guess what that means psychologically. I'm at the point where I need a break from my treatment, in whatever fashion I can get it...
Ohhhhh, something really cool. I am receiving the Spirit of Hope award from the Tower Cancer Research Foundation's Magnolia Council. Check out the invitation here!
Kids are up! Back to another day of chaos!!
