Work B*tch...

I'm feeling better. I'm exhausted still but mentally a little better. I stopped listening to that song that makes me cry to *cough* Brittany Spears, particularly the song "Work B*tch"... You have to want it. And I WANT it. So I better work. Get motivated. Dig deep. 

Went for my infusion this morning at Tower. I got hooked up and they took my blood for counts, markers and chemistry. And unfortunately my white count and platelets came back far too low to have an infusion. I was even wearing my new Ganesh necklace from Patti!! I should say that I'm not surprised about the counts because it would explain why I've been feeling like cr*p, but I was still totally surprised. Duh. Anyway, they gave me a neupogen shot and I'm going back on Friday in hopes that my bone marrow works overtime to bump my counts back up to acceptable levels. More resting for me (just hoping no bone pain from shot)...

Thank you everyone for your emails, texts, calls and well wishes. I sure do feel loved and supported!!

What's your favorite "get pumped" song? I need to create a new playlist...!! 

Love,

Jess

Ugh

I'm having a really rough time. This sucks. I'm lying in bed all the time. I'm nauseous all the time and have to take the zofran. I also have to take mineral oil, miralax and stool softeners daily. My GI system is like what the heck?! I'm hungry but I'm not. I eat but feel sick. I'm constantly uncomfortable. That's all when I'm awake. I only get spurts of energy then I better drag my *ss back to bed. Not even watch TV and relax in bed, more like passed out cold, drooling on my pillow and waking up in a fog. It's really depressing. I'm fighting hard mentally and spiritually. I need to get through this but I feel so beat up and defeated. I assume I feel this way because it is working. But I'm not buying any of my normal internal pep talks, be happy, snap out of it bullshit. I'm just coping. The hardest part is I don't see an end in sight. Where's the light at the end of the tunnel that says "just two months of this and then you'll be done"? Or "One more month and you'll be able to recover and get strong again"...No one is telling me that... F*ck cancer.

I feel like the Calvin Harris/Florence + the Machine song "Sweet Nothing" (again, in case I blogged it already)...

There is a hollow in me now
So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

Well, let's be honest...

I'm scared for tomorrow but I'm know I'm going to get through this. The amount of love, support, advice, guidance and encouragement I have received lately is making me feel that I CAN DO THIS.

I completed the Walk with Love on Sunday and it was a truly AMAZING day. It was very special to me. First I went to get some balloons for the kids' water table and the florist and I start chatting - I paid for one bunch of balloons and left with two (her mom is Stage 2 about to finish chemo and I was telling her my story). My core team of walkers on my team were David B. Sue B., Lee Jay B. Trish B Denise D. and Courtney J. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! (I'm sorry about the team name Wonder Women since obviously it wasn't all women…I'll need a new name for next year).  I wasn't sure I would be able to do the whole walk but I showed up at the start line and people I really care about just started popping up to walk with me as surprise registered team members - Jen A., Gina C. Maggie C. Matt C. with their two kids, Blake J. Mary and Sarah K... And if that wasn't enough to fill my cup, it certainly runneth'd [sic] over when I saw the kids set up their little lemonade/water/cookie stop in front of our house, full of pink decorations and balloons AND my neighbors painted the most beautiful "GO JESS" sign that brought me to tears. I can't tell you how wonderful it was for me. Walking to raise over $230,000 for the Susan Love Foundation to stop breast cancer. Our team "Wonder Women" raised over $21,000!!!! The best part of the walk was walking up to our house and seeing all the kids hard at work, having fun, passing out their beverages. After the walk was over I came home and laid down to rest. Then I cried. I just start boo hoo'ing and couldn't stop. Happy, warm, thankful tears for my friends and family.  I am so grateful to EVERYONE who donated to our team and who participated in the walk. I also want to sincerely thank my mom and Elizabeth who were behind the scenes with the kids fetching pitchers and pitchers of water and lemonade all morning. Love you Mom. This was one of those special "life moments" for me. I was very emotional. What a big cry baby, huh, all darn day? I know. THANK YOU!!

Yes, I CAN DO THIS tomorrow. Today was a good day. My first good day in over a week since the infusion. I'm hoping that it makes the infusion tomorrow that much easier. I'm getting recovered from the angio/mapping, the first (horrible) round last Wednesday, the liver MRI, and I hate to tell you but a serious case of bowel impaction after Sunday's Walk with Love. I really couldn't tell you which part was worse (the BM issue or the leg pain the night of the infusion are a close tie) but the important thing is that I made it through the HELL of the past week. Over and done!! Stay strong Jess. You can do it!

I felt very good today. I went to acupuncture and had one of those amazing floating down the river experiences. I was able to wake up this morning with the kids and have them both in the bed with me watching Team Umizoomi and cuddling on me, one on each arm. THE BEST. I was able to hold my own at the New Parent Party for Abby's new school in the Fall. I'm not eating but I don't care really. I didn't eat anything at all Monday until a cup of cauliflower soup at dinner. Today I'm feeling the hunger pains but I'm also thankful to not put anything in my GI tract. Ugh. I suppose you could say the timing worked out great… The food at the party smelled divine… Just remember, smells are ZERO calories. It's nice to smell delicious foods and plan what I will be eating for the next two weeks until the second cycle of the infusion starts and I go back to correct fasting one week on/one week off.

I have a very crass sense of humor…my husband generally doesn't appreciate it. I suppose most people don't like fart and poo jokes though! But if you loved the link I sent you about the Haribo sugar free gummy bears, you will appreciate these next two slides from a page I discovered Sunday night (or Monday AM) while in excruciating pain trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.  I came across this page (at the end of post) and was crying laughing and yelling "is this for real?" "this is hysterical"!! I'm not saying this is what was wrong with me by the way. See "rousseau"'s answer and the part about the hurricane or "is it a bar stool?" or "bbq tongs!"…O.M.G.

Taro Gomi instructs our toddlers through his book "Everyone Poops" that it's a natural process. We all do it. He should also write a book called "Sometimes you don't poop…and that HURTS"…So yes, everyone does it. No one likes to talk about it though. Except if you're under 10 and over 60. Anyway, get over it! Everyone Poops. I sat around Tower Oncology on Monday after an abdomen x-ray, yep, an x-ray for poop to make sure there were no obstructions. The colon was just completed impacted, all the way, no obstructions, thankfully. BUT (no put intended)...they basically told me that I was "FOS" - as in, "full of shit" and then Mary Lou says "We're all just sitting around here…talking shit" No big deal. Anyway, I will tell you that should you ever suffer from impaction this is what was recommended and worked. The cause, by the way: chemo and pain meds. Nothing to do with diet. The cure - magnesium citrate drinks (given to people before a colonoscopy), mineral oil, lidocaine, and/or glycerin suppositories.

Happy pooping everyone!!!

A few updates

I'm starting to come out of my coma from the new chemo regimen on Wednesday. They so did not prepare me for this round. Or perhaps it was just that my body is so weak from recovering from the Angio, the Abraxane, the sprained ankle, the PT from the left breast, etc, etc, that the side effects are hitting me stronger than usual. I have been sleeping non-stop since Wednesday. That early morning, painful wake up call threw me off but I've been working with my RN Paige on relief. The next night, since I couldn't pick up my Rx, I took half a vicodin and an ativan. I am not a pill pusher. I can't stand taking pills. I was desperate for relief. That combo seriously knocked me out. Normally, when I rest after chemo I will watch a TV show while eating lunch or surf the iPad but I haven't been able to keep my eyes open at all. For real. Now I'm able to take Tramadol for the pain and went back to my melatonin for sleep. The serious pain meds give me hangover headaches and make me super nauseous so I have to take zofram to eat. Ugh. I just want off all this stuff. STAT. 

I was immediately reminded of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Seriously, this is how I feel. "I'm kicking my ass…do you mind"?!?! 

I had the liver MRI Thursday evening. More poking for an IV because they couldn't use my port. I used my "off limits" left arm but my right side is pretty cooked. Very odd time for an MRI but I digress. It wasn't my favorite MRI so far, brain and breast were easier. The liver MRI requires lots of breathing in and holding your breath. To top it off, at one point, the tech forgot to tell me that I could breath again so I had to press my call button and remind him to tell me that it was OK to breathe!! WTH. I'm so glad that's over...

Friday, I met with Philomena. The procedure is out. As I see it, nothing was a waste. The Angio revealed important live saving information before it was too late. I'm grateful for that. Right now, the only thing I can do is systemic treatment, we're going with the Carboplatin/Gemzar combo. On my stage IV breastcancer.com discussion boards my liver mets sisters have had good success on this combo for knocking the liver mets out of the park. That is my plan too.

This was the first time I've felt Philomena be glum at an appointment. She said it's not grim but she said "yes, things are progressing and we need to stop it;" I still have a lot of chemo regimens available to try but she sees this a lot with her younger patients. Cancer is more aggressive. She said she wants me to meet with the researcher at Cedars who handles the Phase 1 trials. She has a patient the same age as me who had tried even more chemo regimens without success and then went in a phase 1 trial that has kept it stable for 9 months. When I hear things like that I think, awesome. But what I also hear is "9 months" like that is some kind of prize. I want this f-ing cancer gone and I want to be NED in 2014. Universe please make this happen. This process right now is really difficult. I am losing faith. I think this is because I feel so bad physically. I can't wait to get back up some energy and get back to walking, ballet and yoga. I know I need to keep my body physically happy so I can be mentally happy too.

Tomorrow is the Susan Love "Walk with Love" walk here in my neighborhood. I am going to walk, I will listen to my body but with each breath and each step forward I am going to appreciate that I am alive and fighting to live. I will appreciate that I am a warrior. I will appreciate the warm day, the breeze through the trees, the love and support of my family and friends, and the community in which I live.

I breathe in peace and I exhale gratitude. Prana.

Love,
Jess

Ockham's Razor

Sometimes the simplest answer is the right one. It is challenging when you are a cancer patient to always go to the simplest theory. Some days everything feels like it is related to cancer (or dying). 

Here's what I now get that I was trying to understand before about death and dying. I lost a friend, Debbie, to pancreatic cancer recently. She was a mom to two young girls, four and eight. Fuck cancer!!! After losing my friend Martha the month before this threw me for another loop. A mutual friend of Debbie and mine was with her at the end. When I was finally able to talk about it and ask her how it was in the end she told me that the hospice care was beautiful and that Debbie was really ready and happy to go. This is something so painful for me to understand. If she had her choice she'd be walking around healthy as a wife and mother to those two amazing girls. Here's what I finally understand: when you are in so much pain and so debilitated that you are unable to care for yourself at even the most basic level, you want to stop your suffering. You also want to stop the anguish of those close to you. Your hope shifts from yourself to a life in the beyond full of fantasy, peace and love and to the bright and merry future for those you love and care for. You know that life will go on without you, that time heals most wounds, (I won't say all since I still miss Bennett terribly at times), and that your loved ones can thrive again. Debbie worked with and her family is still working with a Transitionalist to make the process easier. I know this time is very difficult for them. I also know they can come through it and find a new kind of normal with the memory of their beautiful and loving Debbie in their hearts. I am so sad for them right now. 

I am also sad that the veil has been lifted from my eyes and I now better understand this process. I am grateful that there can be a process and a timeline for some who can "get their affairs in order". At the same time I am disappointed that there isn't a process or timeline for others who are taken suddenly and without warning. 

What I have also come to understand is that you can't make decisions when you are in pain. You aren't in the right mental state. I say this to many people I meet who are recently diagnosed with cancer or other life-threatening illnesses...get the pain under control first.

I literally thought for the past three days that things were not going my way. My faith and hope was wavering. Not just in the usual seesaw, teeter totter way that I know I can bounce back from.  The Angio/mapping was way more than I was prepared for. The procedure was traumatic for my body that was already weak. I slept all the time as time allowed. I battled intense UTI symptoms from the catheter; a swollen, bruised and painful groin area from the incision which inhibited my mobility; and more ankle pain from not being prepped and supported properly during the procedure. Thankfully the sore throat went away relatively quickly! The worst part was on Sunday I started having very bad stomach pain, my abdomen was swollen and bloated.  Whether I ate or didn't eat I felt really uncomfortable and doubled over in pain. I kept thinking it was my liver. Fast-forward two days later to dinner and my friend Jeanne reminds me of c-section recovery and all the gas and bloating. She asked if I've tried Gas-X? Why no, no I haven't tried Gas-X. I ran out to get some and have been eating it ever since. I feel so much better! They must have pumped me full of air since I had a breathing tube and so they could fill the lungs to better see the liver. Ockham's razor - it's probably gas! After gas-x like candy and more rest my head was in a much better place to battle the next step in Agent Oso's plan: infusion day!

Here's what I got through yesterday:

1) Anxiety

2) Walking down the street to get a tea to kill time while blood work and chemistry were analyzed with David in 100 degree heat, port accessed and wrapped, wearing sandals and not having walked in over a week. 

3) Carboplatin skin test - like a TB skin test to check for allergic reaction but with a burning chemotherapy agent injected just under your skin.

4) More anxious waiting - I've already had carboplatin the first go-round for six infusions so now they have to test me each time for a possible allergic reaction before we can proceed.

5) Infusion was a GO!

6) 10 minutes later intense Charlie horse cramps in both feet but primarily the right. That poor right leg - terribly bruised and healing from the groin incision and procedure, ankle still a mess, and walking in stupid sandles for 20 minutes as the first exercise since Angio. I used to get these terrible cramps all the time but ballet really got rid of them. I really, truly miss ballet and need to get back...

7) Infusions (Carboplatin them Gemzar with a side of Dex steroid, kytril and hydration) were no problem - just very tired, you know the heated tired behind the eyes kind I've referred to in the past.

8) Made it just in time to pick up Abby from school, David racing in his tesla (which has strong G-Force so I almost lost my lunch a few times...love you Honey).

Fell asleep at a reasonable time tonight but woke up at 2:45 with terrible leg pain. I laid here in agony for 15 minutes and couldn't figure out what to do... Should I call the nurse? Then, in my groggy stupor, I thought about Ockham's razor, the Gas-X and fixing the problem myself.

Think, Jessica, Think!!

1) Tylenol for pain

2) Massage the leg - Wow, huge knots in shins and calf. I had no idea.

3) Pressure point release - good kind of pain

4) Heat pad

5) Now I'm wide awake fighting urge to watch TV...and it's been an hour and a half so now I'm hungry too. So here I am typing this blog entry, which is probably just as bad but I still can't go back to sleep. 

Notes to self:

1) No more walking in non-supportive shoes

2) Make PT session tomorrow before MRI about my ankle and plantar fasciitis instead of the capsular contracture in the left breast.

3) Up melatonin to 5 per night while not fasting. FYI - melatonin is not a sleep aid it is to strengthen your innate immune system according to Dr. Conklin.

4) No more cell phone at night either if can't sleep. Ask what I can take as a sleep aid during treatment.

5) Blog entry on Dr. Conklins supplement regimen and schedule. 

Good morning!! It's 5:30AM. Now the F-ing sprinklers are cycling and birds are chirping. I can't get back to sleep. Time to sign off. Thanks for listening. Thank you for being here with me.

A huge thank you to Debbie K. for the surprise visit complete with gorgeous  peonies, a rose quartz Ganesh (Jai Ganesh!!) and other wonderful gifts. And a heart felt thank you to Patti and Howard W. for a special box that arrived when I got home from the infusion today with a bracelet and necklace of Ganesh. (Jai, Jai Ganesh!!). The three of you lifted my spirits this week when I was really struggling!! Thank you. You people are just so crazy!! Crazy thoughtful. 

Sending my love to all!

Night night.

Home now playing chess...

Teach Me to Play Chess 

5:15 wake up
Throw Mom in the car
Racing to Cedars
Pit in stomach growing
Anxiety masked as hunger
Or possibly both
Checking in
Advanced directives
Signing my life away
Cutest elderly couple telling jokes
Happy David Lynch style
"If everything is coming your way, move, you're in the wrong lane"
Sharing the laughter
Tinged with jealousy
Taken in groups up to prepare
Icy cold stalls
Naked in gowns
Warm hospital blankets
The only civilized thing
Checks, doubles and triples
Paperwork and Data Entry
I'm so parched
Patiently waiting
Hierarchy is apparent
Doctors among gods
You can tell who's the best
R E S P E C T  and A W E
Spinal surgeon walking on air
Too be that important
A mortal god with healing hands
Regrets from not pursuing more
Could that have ever been me?

Transport to OR

Down a long creepy hall

Where is everyone?

New Sterile Room

Specialized Techs for expensive machines

Nurses with nicer jewelry

Anesthesiologist with a 9 month old

Wait, I need a breathing tube for this?

Instant dread, "only a sore throat"...
Checking for pulse spots
Why on my feet?
Access my port and dressing it up
Doing the OR prep dance
My Deity of a Doctor arrives
Everything's all set
Saw good news on the scans he says
A wish in my head
Skip the whole blasted thing?
Mom says goodbye
So thankful she's here
Everything suddenly set to warp speed
Listening through a ringing filter
Did you give me something?
"Oh, most people don't feel that"
Oxygen and two more minutes
Deep breaths
Think of happy dreams
Family playing on the beach
Perfect sunny day
Laughter and delight
Innocence and freedom

Procedure went well?
Waiting for shunt results
Bed rest for three hours
Urinate in a bed pan?
Wished to sleep more
Crabby old man needs interpreter
Screaming at nurses
Irate blood pressure warnings
Shouts "medicine" and "access"
Two hours can feel like a lifetime
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I say
Goodbye and so long!
Peace and quiet
Drinking icy cold water
Throat really hurts

Doctor came to talk
There are some issues
Angiogram better than scans
Much more disease than previously thought
10-12 lesions, seem to be dying
Scans aren't picking it up
You should get MRIs of liver
Scans are not accurate
Small lesions throughout the tissue
Too many lesions can complicate liver function
Changes procedure landscape
Barely a candidate
Liver may not tolerate spheres
Can it continue normal bodily functions if completely suppressed?
Liver function and Billirubin tests
Philomena will call to change your chemo
I'm not wanting to hear this
We opened up a spot for the procedure
If we move forward on May 21st.
See what Philomena says

I'm reeling.
Did I just hear that...
Almost a goner?
I only have one liver
The nurse says, No...
Breast cancer most researched
Plenty more chemotherapy agents
Should you not proceed with spheres
Meaning: no longer be eligible

I'm resting at home now.
Throat getting worse
Tea, Water, Applesauce, Acai bowl
Reeling from the news
Advanced liver disease
Vampire lesions sucking my blood
He says start on right over left lobe
But left had larger lesions.
Tumor markers weren't lying
They are abandoning the mother ship
Striking out on their own
Multiple small lesions all over
Worse than big main ones

Talked to Philomena
Yes, we are changing chemos
Starting early this week
Scheduling a liver MRI S-T-A-T
Talking to Doctor to postpone
21st too soon, need a month
Need one new chemo cycle
New combo may not lose hair
Good bye cold caps?
Philomena says no need,
Penguin Cold Caps say yes
I think a break is ideal
Now fasting yes, yes, yes.
But not for this week.

Lots of moving pieces
My health is a chess board
I really wish I knew how to play
This checkered board game
That has become my life
Trying to control the strategy
Before a checkmate

All Aboard!! Toot Toot.

First of all, Friday's scans showed stability and even some shrinkage. I don't have the report but both Dr. McAndrew and my RN Paige seemed both surprised and relieved. SO I'M HAPPY!!

Furthermore, after two days of calling and pushing the appeals department at my insurance company they notified me this morning that they are APPROVING the Y90 radio-embolization procedure!!  GOOD NEWS!!

Things are now in a rapid fire process…tomorrow pre-ops and Friday will be the angiogram/mapping procedure. I am told that is an all day process. I don't know the time or any other further details. The RN Becky told me that once the mapping is complete and analyzed then I usually go in for the actual procedure two weeks later! Not sure if that means I continue chemo in the meantime or not. More details to come...

SUCK ON THAT LIVER TUMORS.

JAI GANESH!!!
I went to this random "timeless symbols" kiosk in Santa Monica after my therapist yesterday because I saw they had dream catchers and I wanted another one for Abby. She had a random bad dream over the weekend but I digress. They also had beautiful mala beads and I was attracted to the lotus root beads, red coral beads and ebony beads so I ask the woman in the shop what they mean. Then we had a whole conversation on my life and my issues, she wasn't shy and was very direct about her investigation…She said I needed to be vegan again among other pieces of advice I didn't necessarily ask for yet didn't have the energy to politely walk away from; as David calls "the art of the dismount". Anyway, I kept chatting her up because I couldn't dismount but I was also very fascinated with the meanings and symbols. She made me a small necklace on a red string with two pure coral beads, that she said were very important and special. She also gave me a card with the Hindu elephant god - Ganesh and told me to say a mantra of "Jai" (victory) Ganesh (the elephant god). He is the god of success and the remover of obstacles. Coincidence that the next morning I got the call from the insurance company for the approval???
JAI GANESH!!!

BE GONE CANCER. YOU ARE MESSING WITH WONDER WOMAN.

My therapist told me about the coolest study ever. Do you want to be less stressed and more successful?  Reciting positive affirmations aren't the key. You also have to change your body language. If you want to be confident and take charge then take a stance like Wonder Woman. This is no JOKE. It's hysterical but completely legit. Read about it for yourself: Body Language Research Study and then watch Amy Cuddy's 20-minute TED talk.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
You look like a monkey.
And you smell like one too!

I'm fasting again. I couldn't decide if I wanted to indulge on my birthday or fast for my last session of this chemo cycle. I went with the fast because as my Aunt said to "fast for many more birthdays"…

Last night while lying in bed I started massaging my empty stomach because sometimes the fasting makes the stomach feel like a dried up rock. Sometimes you get cramps. I was only trying to be gentle to my stomach and give it a little rub. The area, however, near my stomach and liver was tender and sore. That did not seem like a good thing. I knew the minute I got here I wanted to see Dr. McAndrew.

Per my last post, our insurance company, in all their wisdom, has denied my request for the Y90 radio-embolization procedure. They say it is investigational and therefore NOT covered under our policy. Anyway…so what does that mean for me? I am still hoping they change their mind and we'll know that by Tuesday at the latest. If I can't get that treatment then another option would be a liver resection and ablation procedure. And/or changing the chemotherapy agent I am receiving at the moment. I have heard good things about the Carboplatin/Gemzar combo in combating liver tumors. Not sure what that means about my bones…we know that my bones have been responding to the Abraxane so will they keep responding on a new cocktail as well? Regardless, you never really want to change to another cocktail because that means that there's one less thing on your treatment tool belt.

The kids watch this show called Agent Oso.  He's a stuffed bear that's a special agent like James Bond. He helps kids do new things, like jumping rope, riding a scooter, using a hula hoop, etc. in three special steps. Then he earns a digital medal for completing his special assignment. David and I refer to this all the time when things are difficult or we know they are going to be rough. Traveling with the kids: Get through airport security - STEP 1!! Make it through the flight - STEP 2!! Get the rental car and get to the hotel - STEP 3!!! And so on. It really helps get through hard stuff. It adds some levity.

I'm sitting here at Tower now. This is the C*RAP that went down today. My regular nurse Mary Lou was out today, sniff sniff. I had a new nurse. I came early and got started with the caps in hopes that I could go home a half hour early. The nurses got out of their morning meeting late… Best laid plans as they say. Anyway, blood counts were fine and we were able to proceed with treatment - but still half an hour later than normal so I'll still be stuck here. Paige, my nurse practitioner came over to check in and asked about last week's reaction to the Abraxane. She added the steroids again for this infusion. The infusion went off without a hitch. (STEP 1!)

Then she told me that I'm due for my lupron and Xgeva shots. (!!!) I'm in constant denial that I need these shots because I always feel like I just got them, and I did..but it was a month ago… Even worse news is my tumor markers have jumped up dramatically in the last two weeks. About 100+ points each time. I'm ticked that they are just telling me this now…shouldn't they be checking for these things during the week for follow-up?! Anyway, this means that the tumors in the left side (or maybe elsewhere) are continuing to grow. With the added tenderness in the liver area they decided to order a CT Chest and Abdomen scan while I'm here. Chest to double check on my port and Abdomen to check on my liver.

The *very* best part about getting scans is that they are at Tower Oncology which is doubly convenient since I'm already here. The bad part is that I need a contrast and they either need to take out the huber needle I use for the infusion and insert another LARGER huber needle for the contrast or they have to start an IV. My veins are pretty much shot so I opted for the other huber needle. That really hurt. UGH. I opted not to do the cold spray because they had just taken out the other needle and it could sting. I'm not sure the cold spray would have helped that much but man, oh, man. So glad that is over.  They took me over for the scan and it was so quick. Just 20 minutes. I had to wear my cold cap in there which added another element of fun but it was totally doable. (STEP 2!!)

Next thing is to get my shots. (STEP 3!!!) I'm asking if I should go back to Zometa since the whole reason I had stopped Zometa was because I was required to come in for infusions on another day and get poked with an IV but now that I have a port and can potentially coordinate it my Friday infusions I'd rather do that. Let's put everything in through the port!! It's a power port party.

"Your special assignment was a success, because you followed three special steps! You did your three special steps…now you've earned your digi-medal"...

I was freaking out that today would be hard. And it was. I'm fasting. I was worried about having another reaction to the Abraxane. I'm wearing the cold caps. I got poked in my port twice with increasing intensity. I got scans. I got shots. But very soon I will be home and I can forget. I can breathe and focus on the moment. I can hug the kids. I can be away from this chaos until we hear about my scans results and what it all will mean. There is a crossroads coming up and a new treatment decision will need to be made but I'm not going to think about it over the weekend. I want to break my fast tomorrow night with a lovely birthday meal with my husband. I want to go see Abby perform on stage in her Matilda play and Ballet Recital and bring her bouquets of flowers. I want to enjoy a beautiful beach day with family and friends in this glorious sunshine on Sunday.  I'm still making the very best of each day (and getting through the ones I can't control)… I did my three special steps!