We were fortunate to go away for spring break vacation as a family. We went to a place on the Big Island of Hawaii in Kona named Hualalai, which is an incredible Four Seasons resort. This trip had very mixed emotions for me. I was anxious for the flight with the kids but I was also anxious because it was at Hualalai in August 2010 that I discovered the large lump in my left breast...
The airport, flight and car rides were actually tolerable. Thank the Lord for iPads, snacks and being able to travel with a nanny. We arrived, checked into the Villa, grabbed lunch with our hostess with the mostest Susie and then headed to the pool. I was so exhausted even though it was my "off" week of chemo from the travel. The kids played in the Seashell Kiddie pool and I laid down in a chaise and tried to rest.
I was overcome with such strong emotions and thoughts. I couldn't help but to reflect back that the last time I was at this pool was such a joyful, easy time. Abby was 1 and a half and I was pregnant with Leo and felt strong and healthy. I had so many plans for the future. After having our young son taken away from us we were blessed with another boy who was growing and being nurtured in my womb. But, unknowingly, cancer was also growing and being nurtured. It was such a blow to realize how different my body is now compared to that time. It started with a little "oh wow" realization moment but quickly escalated to anger, bitterness, and resentment. I was telling G-d in my head "F-you, F-you, F-you! If you are truly there and truly all powerful why would you do this to us? Our son died. I have been mutilated, poked, poisoned, and brought close to death once and now I have to do it again. Why must we keep enduring challenge after challenge? What is that point of all this? Why me? Why us? How crazy things can drastically change in such a short amount of time"...and on and on. I tried to meditate. I tried to revert back to helpful thoughts from reading "the Shack" and other spiritual guides. Although I felt it so strongly at the time, writing this now I am thinking, "what a whiner"!...but regardless I needed to experience those emotions so I could then let go. Letting go is the biggest challenge for me. Experience to let go.
I then decided after resting and having my emotional meltdown (hey, toddlers have meltdowns so why can't I?) that I would take Leo for a long walk on the property. I am so glad that I did. One of the most difficult things about being in treatment for cancer when you are a young (ok, and even a relatively young) person is that your body is very CAPABLE. You are able to overcome the treatments and side effects so much quicker than someone who older. I can also clarify that to say that those who take care of their bodies, not just young people, are also able to overcome the treatment that much sooner. I realized as I was walking how much I love my body despite my "mommy souvenirs", lack of nipple, and the like. I felt healthy in that warm humid air, enjoying the ocean breeze as I walked my precious cargo in his stroller. It put things in perspective for me. All in all I feel pretty good most of the time. Instead of nurturing cancer, however, I am nurturing myself so that I can zap this thing (again).
The next day it happened again. This time as I was driving from the Kona Natural Foods store and started thinking about my grandpa who was born on the big island in Hilo. I was talking to him and was overcome with so much emotion, mostly missing my grandpa...I had a good, old, big fat boo-hoo cry session. (Yes, I pulled over!!) Apparently, I have been carrying emotional baggage around and needed to go on vacation to let it all out. After that second day I was free to enjoy an amazing vacation with family and friends. It was badly needed and also deserved in my humble opinion.
I've talked about this "capable" body issue with my yoga girl Andrea. She was actually the one who helped me figure out that word to describe how I was feeling. Sometimes in Yoga and Ballet I realize how strong I feel. How great it is to be able to count on that strength when I have to go through treatment. Yes, my body takes a huge beating at times but I have faith in my own recovery.
On to the good stuff. I had my scans last Monday. After two weeks of putting myself through mental agony (and poor David through several rounds of booking travel) I decided not to go back to Houston and have my scans here at Tower Oncology. Here's the gist - yes, Houston is an amazing and efficient facility BUT I love my nurses here and know the drill here. In Houston, I have to get a blood draw in one building (get poked) then I go upstairs to another area for the chest x-ray. Then I go way down the block to get my IV started so I can have the scan (poked again, and last time it took them three (painful) tries to get it right). It is a three day trip to have my scans in Houston. Here in LA it took me less than two hours to get all that done (and was only poked once and all in one building). Since I am not in a clinical trial I felt it was OK to stay here and be more comfortable. I like going to Houston with David because it is a break away from home but it was actually nice to come home and recover from my barium drink...
I didn't have my appointment with Philomena (my oncologist) until Friday so I sent an email asking for my results as soon as they came in. It was surreal, for the first time in this journey I felt like the scans were no big deal and that things would be okay. I know that my tumor markers have been coming down so I felt certain that the results would at least be stable if not shrinking. AND...I was right. Things are looking "favorable" is the word that Philomena used.
I asked her about two things I have been researching. Fasting before chemotherapy which is a breakthrough that is being presented by Dr. Valter Longo at USC. And new ER+ trial that is coming out (but for post-menopausal woman) by Dr. Dennis Slamon at UCLA who developed the drug Herceptin for those with Her2neu tumors. Doing the research about fasting led me to extremist notions like Gerson therapy and Hulda Clark which I don't think I agree with at this point. I still believe in combination alternative and western medicine (including those drugs that are tried and true). I do my weekly acupuncture and sometimes I even drink my herbs from Dr. Mao. The research though got me very curious. After going to Houston and sitting down with their nutritionist who pitched the "whole food" approach and "everything in moderation" idea I started to slip in my diet to incorporate bad things like less veggies, more meat, going back to my green tea soy lattes (that are extremely addictive and I noticed that I had to switch from a tall to a grande to keep up my energy), sweets, alcohol, etc. I mean everything in moderation, right? But you know what? I wasn't feeling that great even though I was giving in to my cravings so I mentally felt satisfied. I decided to get back on the wagon. I started being diligent again with my diet and guess what happened. Are you sitting down? I felt better. I had more energy. I don't even need those soy matcha lattes. I did my first juice fast this Sunday and Monday before starting my "on" week again and I didn't feel horrible. I was giving my body nutrient dense juices and I felt amazing. So if the mantra is to listen to my body then I know what it is saying. Vegan lifestyle please. But I'm not really being that extreme. I'm primarily a vegan but at times, an ovo-pesca-tarian who eats some goat cheese and will have wine from time to time "in moderation"!!!
Over and out. I've got like three more posts that are half written but hey, I'm a busy gal.
Feeling light and thankful,
Jess
