As I was thinking about hair and hats and wigs I was reminded of one of my favorite skits..."Itchy, itchy"... Click on the link below. Unfortunately, you have to watch a commercial before you can view but such is life. It is worth it to hear him say "Childwen"..."did you know that? Well, it's true!"
John Malkovich...'Twas the Night Before Christmas...
So funny, I'm lizzing!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dogs. Dogs for Sale. 50 cents a dog.
The title is a play off of "Caps for Sale", one of Abby's bedtime books...as if you didn't know that already but just in case.
Berkeley (pronounced "Bark-lay" but spelled like my alma mater and our honeymoon hotel in London, Berkeley) has some issues. He's always had a sensitive demeanor and stomach and definitely has the "second" dog syndrome. He's just so needy. And when you have other things on your plate the last thing you like to see is a sad, anxious dog...it makes you feel guilty. Ugh, ugh, ugh. He needs a home where he can be in someone's lap all day long, get taken for long walks, and fed ground lamb for dinner. That's just not happening for him at the Berman household. Meesh needs to adopt him!
Monday he snuck into the media room, which is Abby's playroom, and right in front of me, squatted and took a piss on the corner of the antique rug. Little piss-pot! Arrggggh. Then he's not been eating his food in the morning. Stomach issues possibly but also he is just a picky brat who wants something other than dog food. Too bad. Anyway, this morning I go downstairs and see Charlie but not Berkeley. Berkeley!?!?! I hear him trot down the stairs from the gym. Uh oh! I run up to the gym and the little piss-pot peed on one of the exercise balls in a huge puddle on the floor. I seriously don't have time for this crap. Someone please come take him to live with you. I'll only ask for 50 cents. But you can't take Charlie. Charlie's my boy! David gets so mad when I say stuff about giving Berkeley away. He thinks I'll be real upset if something happened to him. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he'd be in a better place. Yikes, just listen to me. I'm terrible!
So on the dissapointing news front...my wish to delay the inevitable and pretend like I might be in the 1% of Chemo patients that don't lose their hair has been seriously compromised. Piny (the wig guy) is leaving for vacation for two weeks starting next week. They called me today to schedule me for Saturday. This means my $3,000 bargain wig is ready! The next time I was planning on seeing him was 10 days after Chemo to shave my head. I was regarding it so nonchalantly but if my dreams are any indication I am not prepared for this. Sunday night I dreamt that I kept waking up and my hair was falling off in clumps on my pillow. I dreamt that 4 or 5 times that night. And since then I have been scrutinizing any flake or hair that falls off my head. Ugh. The nurses and other cancer patients suggest that when your hair starts to fall out that you just take the reigns and shave your head. It is a lot to deal with psychologically to take a shower or wake up and have huge clumps of long hair fall out. Instead, it is best to nip it in the bud. Basically, now my anxiety has been given a violent shift to reality since I now am seeing Piny this Friday. (Which is Day 8 not Day 10 after Chemo!)
We had a joint session with Pam today and she suggested a short cropped cut. I kept thinking about that. She also suggested that I wear a scarf around my head for a little bit each day so Abby gets used to it. If only I could figure out how to tie one around my head without my ears protruding out that would allow me to look very Jackie O. I'll need to get some huge fabulous sunglasses. I have now decided that I am going to go Pixie with my hair Friday so Piny can take the remnants and make the "halo" hair pieces with my long locks. By the way, I did look up Locks for Love and apparently it is Florida based so I don't think I would get quite the dramatic and charitable feel shaving my head then fed-exing the dead hair off. Plus they are using the hair to help cancer patients and I'm one now so I figure I'll just cut out the middle man and help myself with my own locks. Sound good? Vizhier is bringing over some Disney dress-up wigs for Abby so we can explore the world of dress-up and the fact that wigs aren't scary at all since Princesses wear them too... :) I figure having a Pixie "do" will help me get used to not having hair and then when it starts to fall out it won't be as dramatic as with my long, cascading locks that fall to my low back. Say goodbye long hair. I know. Get over it. It's just hair. Oh yeah? Well you try it and then you can point fingers!!!
Tomorrow, Abby's Brentwood Pres toddler class then off to Tower Oncology for my blood work then back to Santa Monica for Dr. Mao at Tao of Wellness. Oh, then dealing with the hair issue Friday. I'm living life in the fast lane.
Didn't make it to Yoga today. Ann brought over my favorite chicken soup and we had a good talk until Abby started turning into Linda Blair again not wanting to take a nap. Then I went upstairs and sang some songs with her, she requested I sing "aranya" meaning the itsy-bitsy spider and after a few rounds I put her back in her crib to go to sleep. Holy moly. She started jumping up in down in her crib and screaming like a banshee. Then when I left the room she yanked the camera/monitor off the wall and knocked down her art on the wall as well. I couldn't believe it. At least I know she's determined and has a very strong will. I went back in and moved her crib away from the wall. I told her it's time for nite-nite and mommy and Abby are going to take naps now. Mommy is not going to come back in until you wake up from your nap. That went over well. More screaming. Then within 15 minutes she was out like a light. And I crashed too. FINALLY. I took a nap. I actually slept during the day. Hallelujah. Things are looking brighter. Abby slept like a log and I had to wake her up at 3:30. She was just fine. She missed her JAG gym class but who cares. She got to go play with one of her BFF's Harper instead. Score!
Oh yeah, and the painters have been here since Tuesday to repaint windows and siding that has begun to chip. It's should be a great time to paint since it dries fast in the heat. Well...wouldn't you know that with my luck it actually rained a bit tonight! I just hope that doesn't last. Last thing I need is for painters to have to delay. Lovely.
Berkeley (pronounced "Bark-lay" but spelled like my alma mater and our honeymoon hotel in London, Berkeley) has some issues. He's always had a sensitive demeanor and stomach and definitely has the "second" dog syndrome. He's just so needy. And when you have other things on your plate the last thing you like to see is a sad, anxious dog...it makes you feel guilty. Ugh, ugh, ugh. He needs a home where he can be in someone's lap all day long, get taken for long walks, and fed ground lamb for dinner. That's just not happening for him at the Berman household. Meesh needs to adopt him!
Monday he snuck into the media room, which is Abby's playroom, and right in front of me, squatted and took a piss on the corner of the antique rug. Little piss-pot! Arrggggh. Then he's not been eating his food in the morning. Stomach issues possibly but also he is just a picky brat who wants something other than dog food. Too bad. Anyway, this morning I go downstairs and see Charlie but not Berkeley. Berkeley!?!?! I hear him trot down the stairs from the gym. Uh oh! I run up to the gym and the little piss-pot peed on one of the exercise balls in a huge puddle on the floor. I seriously don't have time for this crap. Someone please come take him to live with you. I'll only ask for 50 cents. But you can't take Charlie. Charlie's my boy! David gets so mad when I say stuff about giving Berkeley away. He thinks I'll be real upset if something happened to him. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he'd be in a better place. Yikes, just listen to me. I'm terrible!
So on the dissapointing news front...my wish to delay the inevitable and pretend like I might be in the 1% of Chemo patients that don't lose their hair has been seriously compromised. Piny (the wig guy) is leaving for vacation for two weeks starting next week. They called me today to schedule me for Saturday. This means my $3,000 bargain wig is ready! The next time I was planning on seeing him was 10 days after Chemo to shave my head. I was regarding it so nonchalantly but if my dreams are any indication I am not prepared for this. Sunday night I dreamt that I kept waking up and my hair was falling off in clumps on my pillow. I dreamt that 4 or 5 times that night. And since then I have been scrutinizing any flake or hair that falls off my head. Ugh. The nurses and other cancer patients suggest that when your hair starts to fall out that you just take the reigns and shave your head. It is a lot to deal with psychologically to take a shower or wake up and have huge clumps of long hair fall out. Instead, it is best to nip it in the bud. Basically, now my anxiety has been given a violent shift to reality since I now am seeing Piny this Friday. (Which is Day 8 not Day 10 after Chemo!)
We had a joint session with Pam today and she suggested a short cropped cut. I kept thinking about that. She also suggested that I wear a scarf around my head for a little bit each day so Abby gets used to it. If only I could figure out how to tie one around my head without my ears protruding out that would allow me to look very Jackie O. I'll need to get some huge fabulous sunglasses. I have now decided that I am going to go Pixie with my hair Friday so Piny can take the remnants and make the "halo" hair pieces with my long locks. By the way, I did look up Locks for Love and apparently it is Florida based so I don't think I would get quite the dramatic and charitable feel shaving my head then fed-exing the dead hair off. Plus they are using the hair to help cancer patients and I'm one now so I figure I'll just cut out the middle man and help myself with my own locks. Sound good? Vizhier is bringing over some Disney dress-up wigs for Abby so we can explore the world of dress-up and the fact that wigs aren't scary at all since Princesses wear them too... :) I figure having a Pixie "do" will help me get used to not having hair and then when it starts to fall out it won't be as dramatic as with my long, cascading locks that fall to my low back. Say goodbye long hair. I know. Get over it. It's just hair. Oh yeah? Well you try it and then you can point fingers!!!
Tomorrow, Abby's Brentwood Pres toddler class then off to Tower Oncology for my blood work then back to Santa Monica for Dr. Mao at Tao of Wellness. Oh, then dealing with the hair issue Friday. I'm living life in the fast lane.
Didn't make it to Yoga today. Ann brought over my favorite chicken soup and we had a good talk until Abby started turning into Linda Blair again not wanting to take a nap. Then I went upstairs and sang some songs with her, she requested I sing "aranya" meaning the itsy-bitsy spider and after a few rounds I put her back in her crib to go to sleep. Holy moly. She started jumping up in down in her crib and screaming like a banshee. Then when I left the room she yanked the camera/monitor off the wall and knocked down her art on the wall as well. I couldn't believe it. At least I know she's determined and has a very strong will. I went back in and moved her crib away from the wall. I told her it's time for nite-nite and mommy and Abby are going to take naps now. Mommy is not going to come back in until you wake up from your nap. That went over well. More screaming. Then within 15 minutes she was out like a light. And I crashed too. FINALLY. I took a nap. I actually slept during the day. Hallelujah. Things are looking brighter. Abby slept like a log and I had to wake her up at 3:30. She was just fine. She missed her JAG gym class but who cares. She got to go play with one of her BFF's Harper instead. Score!
Oh yeah, and the painters have been here since Tuesday to repaint windows and siding that has begun to chip. It's should be a great time to paint since it dries fast in the heat. Well...wouldn't you know that with my luck it actually rained a bit tonight! I just hope that doesn't last. Last thing I need is for painters to have to delay. Lovely.
All Cancer and no Internet makes Jess a mad girl
I haven't had internet since Sunday! Screw Time Warner Cable. I still can't understand why with all these large homes as potential customers in Brentwood that Verizon can't fork out the dough to expand their Fios network. But I digress. I have been in our attic crawl space three times already which isn't too comfortable to do while smuggling large honeydew melons and a giant basketball under your shirt. I don't recommend trying it. Anyway, for some reason it is working at this very moment EVEN though the druids from TWC won't be here to "fix" my connectivity problem until Thursday afternoon.
Speaking of, it's 7:22 in the AM and little Miss Abby is still sleeping. Very nice.
For a quick update I am generally feeling little side effects. Knock on wood. No mouth sores, no GI issues, no nausea. The biggest issue is fatigue. I start out the day energized and then after being with Abby in the morning, feeding us and the dogs and the fish breakfast and changing out of pajamas I have zero energy. When I walk upstairs my legs feel like lead and I run out of breath if I try to go to fast. That being said, I did try to nap for an hour Monday but got frustrated that my brain wouldn't cooperate with my body so I instead got up and walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes. It really helped. Yesterday though, with all the appointments, I didn't get to do that but need to find TIME to do so going forward!
Today is Wednesday, September 29th. I am going to take Abby to her Cassidy Toddler Class and then I am going to try to make prenatal Yoga at 12:30. The teacher, Alex, is a really peaceful and relaxing person and I need to be around that.
Yesterday I finally saw Dr. Tabsh. I made the mistake of thinking that appointment was Monday but thankfully I called to confirm (after waiting around all morning for the appointment). Anyway, he said "Peanut is Perfect" and tracking way ahead of schedule. He also said that whomever is talking to me about getting an amnio so I can try to deliver earlier than 36 weeks is wrong. He said I can get to 36 weeks and deliver and that is that. No need for amnio and no need to rush, plus Peanut will be a big baby so we don't have to worry too much he says. Whew.
Yesterday was really stressful though. I have got to figure out how to manage all these appointments. Dr. Tabsh always runs late. My appointment was at 12:30 and I saw him at 2:30 (although since I call to check in I actually only waited about a half hour in the office, complete with a filtration mask and tons of hand washing and hand sanitizing while I was at the hospital, I'm sure people thought I had the plague). I ended up having to reschedule my therapy appointment for 5pm but had forgot that I was supposed to meet Marty, our designer (so I can punt off the rest of the nursery and other house related items to do) at 4pm. I really forgot this which upset me because it was really important...ugh, I am claiming cancer brain and pregnancy brain. If I don't put things in my blackberry calendar I am lost... Basically, lots of driving around, no nap, rushing, and shuttling between offices stressed me out and STRESS feeds my tumor. BAD. That stressed me out even more...
While waiting in Dr. Tabsh's office I started glancing through the book Life Over Cancer and was learning about stress, meditation, exercise, and supplements that target estrogen receptor positive tumors. I need to get with Lorraine ASAP so she can help me upload the meditation CD's and teach me how to meditate, plus I just love hanging out with her anyway. She's very calming.
I realize that there is so much information out there and I have just scratched the surface. I told Pam, my therapist, yesterday that I feel like I'm back in college and I walked into one of my most difficult classes and the professor says "POP QUIZ!" and I realize I haven't studied all semester and oh by the way, it's in Latin which I've never studied before, and pass the quiz or you'll get kick out of Cal but no pressure since you have to keep your heart rate below 85. I am in a race and I just want to figure out to SLOW things down to make them more manageable. I think getting on top of my schedule and delegating tasks is the right start. I feel I have to get all my ducks in a row so I can prepare for the worst case scenario (in terms of side effects of course, I haven't had too many of THOSE kind of dark thoughts, so don't worry). I understand that I may feel OK right now but that this is just the beginning; that the Chemo is cumulative on my body and I want to be prepared for that.
Hmmmm, fresh pressed veggie juice (kale, beets, ginger, carrots, apple, celery, cucumber) and toast with peanut butter aren't enough for breakfast for me this morning so I'm off to make an egg. Then take Abby to class. Then get to Yoga. Then relax this afternoon... (Oh but will also call Time Warner and Air Conditioner Guys again...).
OMG, last night Kristen came over with Indian food, which I do not know how to eat. I asked her to educate me. She ordered the most delicious dishes (all vegetarian except for my Chicken Tikka Masala, I need the protein remember?) and I am in love. Tasty. David doesn't like Indian food, or so he says, not sure he's actually tried it though. It's worth the hastle to get him to try it. Seriously, it was delicious and healthy. We talked for a while then watched Glee. That was a great night. Thanks to my beautiful friend Kristen for doing that so impromptu. I needed to just hang out for a bit even though I stayed up past my bed time! Ha ha.
Alright, I'm finally leaving for class!
Speaking of, it's 7:22 in the AM and little Miss Abby is still sleeping. Very nice.
For a quick update I am generally feeling little side effects. Knock on wood. No mouth sores, no GI issues, no nausea. The biggest issue is fatigue. I start out the day energized and then after being with Abby in the morning, feeding us and the dogs and the fish breakfast and changing out of pajamas I have zero energy. When I walk upstairs my legs feel like lead and I run out of breath if I try to go to fast. That being said, I did try to nap for an hour Monday but got frustrated that my brain wouldn't cooperate with my body so I instead got up and walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes. It really helped. Yesterday though, with all the appointments, I didn't get to do that but need to find TIME to do so going forward!
Today is Wednesday, September 29th. I am going to take Abby to her Cassidy Toddler Class and then I am going to try to make prenatal Yoga at 12:30. The teacher, Alex, is a really peaceful and relaxing person and I need to be around that.
Yesterday I finally saw Dr. Tabsh. I made the mistake of thinking that appointment was Monday but thankfully I called to confirm (after waiting around all morning for the appointment). Anyway, he said "Peanut is Perfect" and tracking way ahead of schedule. He also said that whomever is talking to me about getting an amnio so I can try to deliver earlier than 36 weeks is wrong. He said I can get to 36 weeks and deliver and that is that. No need for amnio and no need to rush, plus Peanut will be a big baby so we don't have to worry too much he says. Whew.
Yesterday was really stressful though. I have got to figure out how to manage all these appointments. Dr. Tabsh always runs late. My appointment was at 12:30 and I saw him at 2:30 (although since I call to check in I actually only waited about a half hour in the office, complete with a filtration mask and tons of hand washing and hand sanitizing while I was at the hospital, I'm sure people thought I had the plague). I ended up having to reschedule my therapy appointment for 5pm but had forgot that I was supposed to meet Marty, our designer (so I can punt off the rest of the nursery and other house related items to do) at 4pm. I really forgot this which upset me because it was really important...ugh, I am claiming cancer brain and pregnancy brain. If I don't put things in my blackberry calendar I am lost... Basically, lots of driving around, no nap, rushing, and shuttling between offices stressed me out and STRESS feeds my tumor. BAD. That stressed me out even more...
While waiting in Dr. Tabsh's office I started glancing through the book Life Over Cancer and was learning about stress, meditation, exercise, and supplements that target estrogen receptor positive tumors. I need to get with Lorraine ASAP so she can help me upload the meditation CD's and teach me how to meditate, plus I just love hanging out with her anyway. She's very calming.
I realize that there is so much information out there and I have just scratched the surface. I told Pam, my therapist, yesterday that I feel like I'm back in college and I walked into one of my most difficult classes and the professor says "POP QUIZ!" and I realize I haven't studied all semester and oh by the way, it's in Latin which I've never studied before, and pass the quiz or you'll get kick out of Cal but no pressure since you have to keep your heart rate below 85. I am in a race and I just want to figure out to SLOW things down to make them more manageable. I think getting on top of my schedule and delegating tasks is the right start. I feel I have to get all my ducks in a row so I can prepare for the worst case scenario (in terms of side effects of course, I haven't had too many of THOSE kind of dark thoughts, so don't worry). I understand that I may feel OK right now but that this is just the beginning; that the Chemo is cumulative on my body and I want to be prepared for that.
Hmmmm, fresh pressed veggie juice (kale, beets, ginger, carrots, apple, celery, cucumber) and toast with peanut butter aren't enough for breakfast for me this morning so I'm off to make an egg. Then take Abby to class. Then get to Yoga. Then relax this afternoon... (Oh but will also call Time Warner and Air Conditioner Guys again...).
OMG, last night Kristen came over with Indian food, which I do not know how to eat. I asked her to educate me. She ordered the most delicious dishes (all vegetarian except for my Chicken Tikka Masala, I need the protein remember?) and I am in love. Tasty. David doesn't like Indian food, or so he says, not sure he's actually tried it though. It's worth the hastle to get him to try it. Seriously, it was delicious and healthy. We talked for a while then watched Glee. That was a great night. Thanks to my beautiful friend Kristen for doing that so impromptu. I needed to just hang out for a bit even though I stayed up past my bed time! Ha ha.
Alright, I'm finally leaving for class!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Here am I sitting in a tin can. Far above the world.
Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do....
Feeling lonely and isolated even though I know I have a lot of support. I think one thing that being ill does to you is make you realize that you are truly alone in this world. We are born into this world alone and leave this world alone. It's an isolating feeling. I hate feeling this way. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter and a little Peanut on the way. I have wonderful friends and family. Still I feel alone sometimes. I know what you're thinking, yes, I'm probably having a little pity party and feeling sad. You're probably right. I better call Pam, my therapist, to make an appointment though nonetheless. It's always good to hear her insights.
I did way too much yesterday. I spent pretty much all day with Abby yesterday except for about an hour nap. David was out of pocket from 10:30-5:30 with work and the USC game with a few friends. I didn't see him much. My sister was thankfully here to keep me and Abby company and Roxana helped organize Abby's drawers and room. Ashley (aka Dr. Pittman) came over with some fresh coconuts from the Raw Vegan place on Main Street. Coconut water is really refreshing. And Dr. Kumiko recommended I have coconut water because it is hydrating and calming to my stomach.
I felt like I had a good amount of energy but when I knew I needed a nap I watched TV with Lindsey and postponed it a bit. I mean, I really needed to see the new Glee episode anyway. I love the show just to hear Coach Sue Sylvester's monologues and catty comments. I even fast forward through some of the tunes. Horrible, I know. Yesterday I was in stitches with some of her comments. And is it the same actor playing Coach Beiste that played Coach Ken Tanaka? Lindsey had already watched the episode and couldn't believe she hadn't noticed that. Maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, today I'm tired. I feel like I'm operating in a daze or a fog. And even though I keep eating all these healthy meals I am still hungry. Even right after I eat. I am having a meal after a meal. Last night I had chicken francaise, brown rice pilaf and broccoli and then I had some cheerios with almond milk. This morning I had a double portion order of egg whites with broccoli, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes and peppers plus fruit and a piece of toast and I wasn't satisfied. I called Dr. Daly to ask her about this. She says I need fat. The baby needs fat. Didn't dawn on me that cutting out carbs and dairy was really cutting out all the fat in my diet. Duh. So I had another piece of toast with organic BUTTER and strawberry jam on it. So I need protein AND fat. I've been so focused on all the veggies and lean proteins that I wasn't getting enough fat. Fat helps you feel full and more satisfied. Dumb. Anyway, it will still be in moderation and it will still need to be good fats, like avocado, nuts, etc. But I won't deny myself too much either...
Ran into Dr. Funk with her husband and their triplets at Cafe Vida this morning. That was a nice surprise. I got all emotional when I saw her. It made me feel like the my "healthcare life" and my "personal life" were intersecting and that this was real. I know that's an odd statement.
One more thing. Even though I may not be able to immediately respond, I love getting your texts, facebook comments, bbms, emails and posted comments. So keep them coming please! Let me know what exciting things are going on in your life. I want to live vicariously through you. I want to be a part of your lives and enjoy your special moments. I do not want to stop living and enjoying because I am getting treated for cancer. I want to focus on something other than myself please. Help me out, won't you?
Feeling lonely and isolated even though I know I have a lot of support. I think one thing that being ill does to you is make you realize that you are truly alone in this world. We are born into this world alone and leave this world alone. It's an isolating feeling. I hate feeling this way. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter and a little Peanut on the way. I have wonderful friends and family. Still I feel alone sometimes. I know what you're thinking, yes, I'm probably having a little pity party and feeling sad. You're probably right. I better call Pam, my therapist, to make an appointment though nonetheless. It's always good to hear her insights.
I did way too much yesterday. I spent pretty much all day with Abby yesterday except for about an hour nap. David was out of pocket from 10:30-5:30 with work and the USC game with a few friends. I didn't see him much. My sister was thankfully here to keep me and Abby company and Roxana helped organize Abby's drawers and room. Ashley (aka Dr. Pittman) came over with some fresh coconuts from the Raw Vegan place on Main Street. Coconut water is really refreshing. And Dr. Kumiko recommended I have coconut water because it is hydrating and calming to my stomach.
I felt like I had a good amount of energy but when I knew I needed a nap I watched TV with Lindsey and postponed it a bit. I mean, I really needed to see the new Glee episode anyway. I love the show just to hear Coach Sue Sylvester's monologues and catty comments. I even fast forward through some of the tunes. Horrible, I know. Yesterday I was in stitches with some of her comments. And is it the same actor playing Coach Beiste that played Coach Ken Tanaka? Lindsey had already watched the episode and couldn't believe she hadn't noticed that. Maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, today I'm tired. I feel like I'm operating in a daze or a fog. And even though I keep eating all these healthy meals I am still hungry. Even right after I eat. I am having a meal after a meal. Last night I had chicken francaise, brown rice pilaf and broccoli and then I had some cheerios with almond milk. This morning I had a double portion order of egg whites with broccoli, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes and peppers plus fruit and a piece of toast and I wasn't satisfied. I called Dr. Daly to ask her about this. She says I need fat. The baby needs fat. Didn't dawn on me that cutting out carbs and dairy was really cutting out all the fat in my diet. Duh. So I had another piece of toast with organic BUTTER and strawberry jam on it. So I need protein AND fat. I've been so focused on all the veggies and lean proteins that I wasn't getting enough fat. Fat helps you feel full and more satisfied. Dumb. Anyway, it will still be in moderation and it will still need to be good fats, like avocado, nuts, etc. But I won't deny myself too much either...
Ran into Dr. Funk with her husband and their triplets at Cafe Vida this morning. That was a nice surprise. I got all emotional when I saw her. It made me feel like the my "healthcare life" and my "personal life" were intersecting and that this was real. I know that's an odd statement.
One more thing. Even though I may not be able to immediately respond, I love getting your texts, facebook comments, bbms, emails and posted comments. So keep them coming please! Let me know what exciting things are going on in your life. I want to live vicariously through you. I want to be a part of your lives and enjoy your special moments. I do not want to stop living and enjoying because I am getting treated for cancer. I want to focus on something other than myself please. Help me out, won't you?
Friday, September 24, 2010
Holy Chemo Batman
So where was I? I feel like I've been out of the loop with everyone. Oh yeah, I started Chemo. The Chemo really "kicked in" during the ride to the pharmacy on the way home...I started getting chills and was shaking all over. David leaves to fill the script and about 10 minutes later as I'm trying desperately to figure out the heater and seat warmer in his car he calls to tell me that they have no record of anyone calling in a sript for Jessica Berman. I chatter to him to please just get back to the car and take me home. I have never felt like this. Like I needed to get warm from the inside out. I'm worried I have a fever and I could change the tempurature of the baby's amniotic fluid. Peanut hasn't kicked in a little while not that I would really be able to tell since I'm tightening my stomach through all the shivering. But I'm freaking out nonetheless. We get home and I go straight to bed under the biggest down comforter and I doze on and off for half an hour. I do some ujjayi breathing and breaths of fire and try to meditate. The deep breathing helps. About an hour later it goes away.
Suddenly I'm thirsty and hungry. I intercom David and ask him to please bring me some minestrone soup. He brings me a huge bowl with crackers too. Then I eat a whole bowl of cereal too with almond milk. I'm feeling better. I'm still pushing fluids and therefore going pee every hour on the hour but who cares. They say they pump you with poison to kill the bad cells but good cells die too so they want you to flush it out of the system as quickly as possible. Hence all the hydration and fluid pushing. I'm drinking my water with L-Glutamine to hopefully boost my immune system and prevent mouthsores. Plus I'm really worried about nausea and all the possible GI issues that may come. Please oh please I don't want any nauseau or GI issues!
I get as much sleep as possible in between running to the toilet to pee every hour. I think I got one great 2-3 hour block of sleep after 2:30 in the morning where I had a dream. Actually, I wouldn't call it a dream it was a nightmare. I was on a beautiful white sandy beach with waves crashing peacefully and my Uncle Donny (random because I don't get to see him often) was with Abby playing in the water. All of a sudden a huge rip curl wave comes barreling towards them and they are sucked under the wave. David and I scream and run toward the shore. The wave dissapears and the water is calm again while everyone panics looking for loved ones. I find my Uncle but can't find Abby. I am screaming for her but know that she just HAS to be fine. All of a sudden I don't see anything but I hear the sound of Abby gasping for air like she did in her ISR swim lessons. I follow the sound and see her in the ocean at a distance floating on her back in the water just like she learned in her lessons. Abby!!! I've found her. I swim towards her calling her name and her precious little face looks up at me and I see her beautiful blue eyes and I know she's OK. The whole time I am saying thank god she did those drowning prevention classes. Then I wake up. Strange. I should look up what that means.
Around 6:30 David is up and at 'em and I feel panicky. Will I be able to handle Abby solo until Roxana starts at 8AM (or is it 9AM today?) and I start freaking out. I get out of bed when I hear her calling for Momma and as I walk to her room I feel like I can handle it. I am just so excited to see her face and hold her. She is in a playful mood and gives me hugs while she plays with her lovies and asks for her "moo". David hears and offers to get it (oh, that's milk BTW). Such a good daddy. She's grabbing books and playing with toys and I forget all about that stupid Chemo and my stupid arm and I'm just Momma.
We go in my bed and watch Elmo and she drinks her milk. Then the shit hit the fan. Literally. She had poop and lately she will kick and hit when I have to change it. She has got a big issue with poop lately. I could write a whole new blog dedicated to Abby's bowel movements. The gist is that she doesn't like to go because it hurts so she holds it but when you do that, the colon (which is a really dumb organ) just extracts more fluid out of it making it even firmer and harder to excrete. She's on miralax to combat this but I haven't perfected the dose yet so she's either going too much or too little. Poor baby. After our nice morning she turns into Linda Blair on the changing table kicking and screaming and hitting. I tell her she has to be nice and let mommy change her diaper because we always want a clean bottom. She looks me in the face and hits my arm. I sit back and tell her I'll wait right here until she's done with her big feeling but no matter what she's going to get her diaper changed. We go on like this for about 10 minutes and then it's over. Geez, what time does Roxana start again this morning?!?! I decide to push the envelope and change her clothes too. I let her open her drawer and pick something out. OKAY...She picks her ISR swimming t-shirt that says "I can swim...just watch me". I'm a little spooked by this to say the least.
We get dressed and then it's my turn to change and she helps me pick out clothes. She goes in the closet and pulls out shirts and hangs them on the dresser knobs. First I thought this was cute but now it's pretty annoying. Plus she always wants me to wear "blue, blue, blue"... We play with necklaces and pearls and bracelets. She is just becoming such a little lady. She's like a parrot these days repeating everything she hears. I LOVE IT.
Elizabeth calls to get picked up. Roxana starts at 8 today on the new schedule, woo hoo. I have Roxana pick up Elizabeth and I make Abby some flaxseed and blueberrry oatmeal. She loves it. She's my super healthy baby. But then she sees a strawberry milk at the top of the pantry and has to have it. How the heck did that get there? I look for any other stragglers and find a chocolate and throw it out. We eat breakfast and I'm feeling alright. I play with Abby a little more then start to organize paperwork and figure out my schedule. I send Roxana to the market to get some groceries and I hang out with Abby and Elizabeth. We dance a little to music and Abby rolls on the yoga mat on the floor and plays with her blankets and lovies. When Roxana gets back I tell her I want to shower before all my morning appointments. Abby goes to play outside with Roxana and I go upstairs to find the extra, extra long plastic glove I need to wear to shower. I get one out then wander toward my bed. It looks really good. I decide to rest for 10 minutes...then a half hour later I'm still trying to motivate. Around that time I get a call from my neighbor Lily, who lost her daugher Cara at four months to SIDS. I wrote her a letter after I learned of the news almost a year ago. We are both close to Rabbi Kirschner and he had presided at Ben's service and at her daughters (and Ben and Cara are buried near each other at Hillside). Anyway, she wants to know if we'll be at the "Friends of Mandeville Canyon" party this weekend and I tell her that normally I would since I'm on the Board but I've got a full plate...I explain all to her and she can't believe it. We talk for a while as only sisters in a special SIDS sorority could. Just as I do with my good friend Karen. It's not a sorority you want to join but when you do you are glad to have others who understand your ordeal. We promise to meet in the next few weeks.
I realize at this point that I am going to be late to acupuncture. And definitely no time for a delicate plastic glove take-your-time shower. Dang it. I really, really need to take a shower. Poor David. At least I got my hair washed and blown out the other day...I get to acupuncture and also realize I forgot to eat lunch. I did it again. Nice job Brittany. I nosh on some red grapes.
I get in to see Dr. Kumiko and explain all and she promises to focus the acupuncture on the GI tract, headaches and the lack of energy. You know, the first couple times I had acupuncture I don't remember ever feeling the needles go in. Well, when Dr. Kumiko puts them in she makes sure I "feel" them. Sometimes when she inserts them I feel a tingling sensation then other times I don't. When I don't she sticks it in a little harder. Made that mistake the last time and one needle in my calf hurt about a half hour after the session. Lesson learned. Now I keep mum and really focus on each insertion which means I do feel them all go in. This time I request that she put on the mediation CD. I am laying there doing my deep breathing, thinking the word "calm" as I exhale and I am really feeling alright. At one point in the mediation Dr. Mao says I am to cup my right hand over my left hand then place them both over my powerhouse (lower abdomen). First of all, I'm not moving my arms one iota when I've got needles in both of them. Second of all, I don't have a powerhouse. I have a BABY in there. So I laugh and the baby kicks me. I decide to have a love fest with little Peanut. I keep telling him "Hi baby" and he is kicking me. I ask him if he's hungry and he kicks me. I ask him to decide what he wants for lunch and to let me know ASAP. He is just rolling around doing his somersaults and kicking me and I'm pretty happy to know he's doing just fine considering I flushed my body full of Chemo drugs.
Acupuncture. Check. Food....race over to Golden Mean a vegan cafe down the street and I get the special of "chicken" and "sausage" paella with a side green salad to go (even though Dr. Kumiko said I should only really be eating easy to digest foods which means everything cooked, nothing raw). That vegan paella was delicious. The only problem is they gave me just a child's portion and I really needed an adult, no make that a pregnant lady's portion. I scarf that down while walking to Dr. Daly's office for my Rhogham shot. As I sit there I eat the green salad. Potential GI issues or not I'm starving and I'm eating the salad. That was delicious too. Definitely going back to Golden Mean again. I finally get my shot around 1:35 and I am supposed to be at Tower Oncology for hydration at 2pm, all the way in Beverly Hills and I have to go home first too. I text my girlfriend Maggie (aka Magszie) that I am on my way home where she will meet me to drive me to Tower. I've been driving around all morning and even though I was fine I'm wondering if that was a good idea?
Maggie arrives as I pull into the garage and I jump into her car. As we are heading over to Tower I am trying to check my messages and another call was missed...that was Jennie from Tower checking in on me since I was scheduled for hydration at 1:30 (huh??#?@#) and it is now 2:15...too much stress. I really need to chill out. No nap, eating lunch late and not enough, too many appointments, etc. all these things will all catch up to me if I don't relax. So we get to Tower and I get all hooked up. Hopefully Maggie didn't get weirded out by the hook-ups and all but it wasn't too bad. We catch up for a while and it's nice to just sit there and talk. We order from an organic cafe down the street since I'm still hungry. We each get a fresh pressed veggie juice with ginger and I get a goat cheese, carmelized onion, tomato, spinach and sauteed carrot melt on whole wheat bread. Yes, that's right. Regular wheat bread. I'm too hungry. But oy, the ginger was toxic. Waaaaaay too much ginger in that juice. But since it's supposed to be good for my GI tract I drink some of it, even though it burns my throat like listerine. Oh by the way, I gained 2 pounds since yesterday from all the fluids and I look kind of puffy too. Yeah for me!
So I'm feeling alright folks. Had a nice white fish dinner (with pasta a la checca) and dairy free vegetarian soup (gave myself a free pass tonight) at La Scala with the hubby, sister-in-law Trish (who picked me up from Tower after Maggie left), Abby and Roxana. Abby of course was being a super star preferring to eat the veggie puree over the pasta marinara and being such a grown up in her booster chair all the while not making a peep. I am so proud of her. She is, however, growing up too fast and that makes me sad. I am starting to feel guilty that I haven't been spending as much time with her as I 'd like. I know I'm supposed to make it quality time but I still want more time. I can't have another hectic day like this. Hopefully things will slow down now.
Just before dinner I got the sad news that my Uncle Michael Tavares passed away today due to severe complications resulting from lithium toxicity. He was a really sweet man who loved music, animals, sports, and his family, including his "adopted" family at Las Palmas Mexican Restaurant. I am happy David got to meet him. Uncle Mike taught me to play tennis and took me to meet several tennis super stars. He led a simple and happy life and he will be missed. I hope he gets to meet Ben in Heaven and teach him about sports and music. I love you Uncle Mike. May you rest in peace.
Suddenly I'm thirsty and hungry. I intercom David and ask him to please bring me some minestrone soup. He brings me a huge bowl with crackers too. Then I eat a whole bowl of cereal too with almond milk. I'm feeling better. I'm still pushing fluids and therefore going pee every hour on the hour but who cares. They say they pump you with poison to kill the bad cells but good cells die too so they want you to flush it out of the system as quickly as possible. Hence all the hydration and fluid pushing. I'm drinking my water with L-Glutamine to hopefully boost my immune system and prevent mouthsores. Plus I'm really worried about nausea and all the possible GI issues that may come. Please oh please I don't want any nauseau or GI issues!
I get as much sleep as possible in between running to the toilet to pee every hour. I think I got one great 2-3 hour block of sleep after 2:30 in the morning where I had a dream. Actually, I wouldn't call it a dream it was a nightmare. I was on a beautiful white sandy beach with waves crashing peacefully and my Uncle Donny (random because I don't get to see him often) was with Abby playing in the water. All of a sudden a huge rip curl wave comes barreling towards them and they are sucked under the wave. David and I scream and run toward the shore. The wave dissapears and the water is calm again while everyone panics looking for loved ones. I find my Uncle but can't find Abby. I am screaming for her but know that she just HAS to be fine. All of a sudden I don't see anything but I hear the sound of Abby gasping for air like she did in her ISR swim lessons. I follow the sound and see her in the ocean at a distance floating on her back in the water just like she learned in her lessons. Abby!!! I've found her. I swim towards her calling her name and her precious little face looks up at me and I see her beautiful blue eyes and I know she's OK. The whole time I am saying thank god she did those drowning prevention classes. Then I wake up. Strange. I should look up what that means.
Around 6:30 David is up and at 'em and I feel panicky. Will I be able to handle Abby solo until Roxana starts at 8AM (or is it 9AM today?) and I start freaking out. I get out of bed when I hear her calling for Momma and as I walk to her room I feel like I can handle it. I am just so excited to see her face and hold her. She is in a playful mood and gives me hugs while she plays with her lovies and asks for her "moo". David hears and offers to get it (oh, that's milk BTW). Such a good daddy. She's grabbing books and playing with toys and I forget all about that stupid Chemo and my stupid arm and I'm just Momma.
We go in my bed and watch Elmo and she drinks her milk. Then the shit hit the fan. Literally. She had poop and lately she will kick and hit when I have to change it. She has got a big issue with poop lately. I could write a whole new blog dedicated to Abby's bowel movements. The gist is that she doesn't like to go because it hurts so she holds it but when you do that, the colon (which is a really dumb organ) just extracts more fluid out of it making it even firmer and harder to excrete. She's on miralax to combat this but I haven't perfected the dose yet so she's either going too much or too little. Poor baby. After our nice morning she turns into Linda Blair on the changing table kicking and screaming and hitting. I tell her she has to be nice and let mommy change her diaper because we always want a clean bottom. She looks me in the face and hits my arm. I sit back and tell her I'll wait right here until she's done with her big feeling but no matter what she's going to get her diaper changed. We go on like this for about 10 minutes and then it's over. Geez, what time does Roxana start again this morning?!?! I decide to push the envelope and change her clothes too. I let her open her drawer and pick something out. OKAY...She picks her ISR swimming t-shirt that says "I can swim...just watch me". I'm a little spooked by this to say the least.
We get dressed and then it's my turn to change and she helps me pick out clothes. She goes in the closet and pulls out shirts and hangs them on the dresser knobs. First I thought this was cute but now it's pretty annoying. Plus she always wants me to wear "blue, blue, blue"... We play with necklaces and pearls and bracelets. She is just becoming such a little lady. She's like a parrot these days repeating everything she hears. I LOVE IT.
Elizabeth calls to get picked up. Roxana starts at 8 today on the new schedule, woo hoo. I have Roxana pick up Elizabeth and I make Abby some flaxseed and blueberrry oatmeal. She loves it. She's my super healthy baby. But then she sees a strawberry milk at the top of the pantry and has to have it. How the heck did that get there? I look for any other stragglers and find a chocolate and throw it out. We eat breakfast and I'm feeling alright. I play with Abby a little more then start to organize paperwork and figure out my schedule. I send Roxana to the market to get some groceries and I hang out with Abby and Elizabeth. We dance a little to music and Abby rolls on the yoga mat on the floor and plays with her blankets and lovies. When Roxana gets back I tell her I want to shower before all my morning appointments. Abby goes to play outside with Roxana and I go upstairs to find the extra, extra long plastic glove I need to wear to shower. I get one out then wander toward my bed. It looks really good. I decide to rest for 10 minutes...then a half hour later I'm still trying to motivate. Around that time I get a call from my neighbor Lily, who lost her daugher Cara at four months to SIDS. I wrote her a letter after I learned of the news almost a year ago. We are both close to Rabbi Kirschner and he had presided at Ben's service and at her daughters (and Ben and Cara are buried near each other at Hillside). Anyway, she wants to know if we'll be at the "Friends of Mandeville Canyon" party this weekend and I tell her that normally I would since I'm on the Board but I've got a full plate...I explain all to her and she can't believe it. We talk for a while as only sisters in a special SIDS sorority could. Just as I do with my good friend Karen. It's not a sorority you want to join but when you do you are glad to have others who understand your ordeal. We promise to meet in the next few weeks.
I realize at this point that I am going to be late to acupuncture. And definitely no time for a delicate plastic glove take-your-time shower. Dang it. I really, really need to take a shower. Poor David. At least I got my hair washed and blown out the other day...I get to acupuncture and also realize I forgot to eat lunch. I did it again. Nice job Brittany. I nosh on some red grapes.
I get in to see Dr. Kumiko and explain all and she promises to focus the acupuncture on the GI tract, headaches and the lack of energy. You know, the first couple times I had acupuncture I don't remember ever feeling the needles go in. Well, when Dr. Kumiko puts them in she makes sure I "feel" them. Sometimes when she inserts them I feel a tingling sensation then other times I don't. When I don't she sticks it in a little harder. Made that mistake the last time and one needle in my calf hurt about a half hour after the session. Lesson learned. Now I keep mum and really focus on each insertion which means I do feel them all go in. This time I request that she put on the mediation CD. I am laying there doing my deep breathing, thinking the word "calm" as I exhale and I am really feeling alright. At one point in the mediation Dr. Mao says I am to cup my right hand over my left hand then place them both over my powerhouse (lower abdomen). First of all, I'm not moving my arms one iota when I've got needles in both of them. Second of all, I don't have a powerhouse. I have a BABY in there. So I laugh and the baby kicks me. I decide to have a love fest with little Peanut. I keep telling him "Hi baby" and he is kicking me. I ask him if he's hungry and he kicks me. I ask him to decide what he wants for lunch and to let me know ASAP. He is just rolling around doing his somersaults and kicking me and I'm pretty happy to know he's doing just fine considering I flushed my body full of Chemo drugs.
Acupuncture. Check. Food....race over to Golden Mean a vegan cafe down the street and I get the special of "chicken" and "sausage" paella with a side green salad to go (even though Dr. Kumiko said I should only really be eating easy to digest foods which means everything cooked, nothing raw). That vegan paella was delicious. The only problem is they gave me just a child's portion and I really needed an adult, no make that a pregnant lady's portion. I scarf that down while walking to Dr. Daly's office for my Rhogham shot. As I sit there I eat the green salad. Potential GI issues or not I'm starving and I'm eating the salad. That was delicious too. Definitely going back to Golden Mean again. I finally get my shot around 1:35 and I am supposed to be at Tower Oncology for hydration at 2pm, all the way in Beverly Hills and I have to go home first too. I text my girlfriend Maggie (aka Magszie) that I am on my way home where she will meet me to drive me to Tower. I've been driving around all morning and even though I was fine I'm wondering if that was a good idea?
Maggie arrives as I pull into the garage and I jump into her car. As we are heading over to Tower I am trying to check my messages and another call was missed...that was Jennie from Tower checking in on me since I was scheduled for hydration at 1:30 (huh??#?@#) and it is now 2:15...too much stress. I really need to chill out. No nap, eating lunch late and not enough, too many appointments, etc. all these things will all catch up to me if I don't relax. So we get to Tower and I get all hooked up. Hopefully Maggie didn't get weirded out by the hook-ups and all but it wasn't too bad. We catch up for a while and it's nice to just sit there and talk. We order from an organic cafe down the street since I'm still hungry. We each get a fresh pressed veggie juice with ginger and I get a goat cheese, carmelized onion, tomato, spinach and sauteed carrot melt on whole wheat bread. Yes, that's right. Regular wheat bread. I'm too hungry. But oy, the ginger was toxic. Waaaaaay too much ginger in that juice. But since it's supposed to be good for my GI tract I drink some of it, even though it burns my throat like listerine. Oh by the way, I gained 2 pounds since yesterday from all the fluids and I look kind of puffy too. Yeah for me!
So I'm feeling alright folks. Had a nice white fish dinner (with pasta a la checca) and dairy free vegetarian soup (gave myself a free pass tonight) at La Scala with the hubby, sister-in-law Trish (who picked me up from Tower after Maggie left), Abby and Roxana. Abby of course was being a super star preferring to eat the veggie puree over the pasta marinara and being such a grown up in her booster chair all the while not making a peep. I am so proud of her. She is, however, growing up too fast and that makes me sad. I am starting to feel guilty that I haven't been spending as much time with her as I 'd like. I know I'm supposed to make it quality time but I still want more time. I can't have another hectic day like this. Hopefully things will slow down now.
Just before dinner I got the sad news that my Uncle Michael Tavares passed away today due to severe complications resulting from lithium toxicity. He was a really sweet man who loved music, animals, sports, and his family, including his "adopted" family at Las Palmas Mexican Restaurant. I am happy David got to meet him. Uncle Mike taught me to play tennis and took me to meet several tennis super stars. He led a simple and happy life and he will be missed. I hope he gets to meet Ben in Heaven and teach him about sports and music. I love you Uncle Mike. May you rest in peace.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Lights. Camera. Action.
So...after a night of tossing and turning and no sleep, I'm guessing it's from bad seaweed salad I impulsively decided to buy at Whole Foods (ugh)...but most likely from nerves, I was (but really wasn't) ready for my first Chemo treatment.
In the morning David had suggested I remove my ace bandage and check the Port. I told him "no way" but as soon he left I did just that. No one tells me what to do, remember?! My arm looked much better. I nursed my stomach pains with dry sprouted wheat toast and organic creamy peanut butter. Bleh. I really want some butter. And eggs with cheese. But I digress. Abby wasn't into the toast either. Poor baby. I put some strawberry jam on hers.
Roxana started work a few minutes later and we're playing with Abby but I'm just not feeling well at all. I go upstairs to lay down. Uhhhhhhhhhh. Then my girlfriend Peir showed up with some healthy minestrone soup with farro and boy was she a site for sore eyes. She's going to a fabulous organic chef who is teaching her and the family to eat healthier. No plastic. No non-stick pans. Whaaaaat?! I just bought new all-clad non stick omelette and saute pans at a hefty price so waaaaaah. I really need to do a lot more homework. Had some soup then went to nap while Abby went to dance class. Didn't even have the energy to sneak a peak at her in her cute little dance outfit.
I watch Glee (not the new episode but the season finale) while I eat my soup. I am balling like a baby when they sing "Don't Stop Believing". I am feeling the love and the energy. God this show kills me. I am thankful though because I needed the excuse to cry like a baby. I don't let myself cry uncontrollably enough. Who does? We always hold back our feelings and hide our emotions. One thing I learned after loosing Ben though...when someone asks me how I'm doing or feeling, I tell the truth. If I'm having a hard time, I say "I'm having a sad day but I'm working on it, thank you for asking." No more, I'm GREAT, I'm FINE, I'm GOOD just to spare someone from feeling awkward and provide a vapid response. I am in control of my feelings, good and bad, and that's an empowering thing.
Anyway....on to the good stuff. David picks me up and we head to Tower Oncology. Today I have lovely nurse Anne after I requested not to have Nurse Bill, who is incredibly able and sweet but I have a negative association with because of the "adhesive incident" (totally not his fault!). Anyway, they want me to feel comfortable and so I basically got a whole team (3) of nurses to help me for my first time. They took off the dressing and it looks a whole lot better according to them (although it still looks horrible to me).
They spray some numbing gel and insert the needle and voila! I was in business. They started with hydration and anti-nausea meds and I felt better than I had all morning. Sharon, my guardian angel, showed up and we finally got to meet in person!! I am currently getting the third and final install of my drug cocktail right now and doing fine so far. Whew. I was really, really nervous and scared but feel much better now that I know what to expect.
I'm all done right now and I ask if I'm supposed to feel any tingling near the tumor...? Because I DO. They said that's a good thing. I'm pretty happy that this stuff is killing those bad cells.
In the morning David had suggested I remove my ace bandage and check the Port. I told him "no way" but as soon he left I did just that. No one tells me what to do, remember?! My arm looked much better. I nursed my stomach pains with dry sprouted wheat toast and organic creamy peanut butter. Bleh. I really want some butter. And eggs with cheese. But I digress. Abby wasn't into the toast either. Poor baby. I put some strawberry jam on hers.
Roxana started work a few minutes later and we're playing with Abby but I'm just not feeling well at all. I go upstairs to lay down. Uhhhhhhhhhh. Then my girlfriend Peir showed up with some healthy minestrone soup with farro and boy was she a site for sore eyes. She's going to a fabulous organic chef who is teaching her and the family to eat healthier. No plastic. No non-stick pans. Whaaaaat?! I just bought new all-clad non stick omelette and saute pans at a hefty price so waaaaaah. I really need to do a lot more homework. Had some soup then went to nap while Abby went to dance class. Didn't even have the energy to sneak a peak at her in her cute little dance outfit.
I watch Glee (not the new episode but the season finale) while I eat my soup. I am balling like a baby when they sing "Don't Stop Believing". I am feeling the love and the energy. God this show kills me. I am thankful though because I needed the excuse to cry like a baby. I don't let myself cry uncontrollably enough. Who does? We always hold back our feelings and hide our emotions. One thing I learned after loosing Ben though...when someone asks me how I'm doing or feeling, I tell the truth. If I'm having a hard time, I say "I'm having a sad day but I'm working on it, thank you for asking." No more, I'm GREAT, I'm FINE, I'm GOOD just to spare someone from feeling awkward and provide a vapid response. I am in control of my feelings, good and bad, and that's an empowering thing.
Anyway....on to the good stuff. David picks me up and we head to Tower Oncology. Today I have lovely nurse Anne after I requested not to have Nurse Bill, who is incredibly able and sweet but I have a negative association with because of the "adhesive incident" (totally not his fault!). Anyway, they want me to feel comfortable and so I basically got a whole team (3) of nurses to help me for my first time. They took off the dressing and it looks a whole lot better according to them (although it still looks horrible to me).
They spray some numbing gel and insert the needle and voila! I was in business. They started with hydration and anti-nausea meds and I felt better than I had all morning. Sharon, my guardian angel, showed up and we finally got to meet in person!! I am currently getting the third and final install of my drug cocktail right now and doing fine so far. Whew. I was really, really nervous and scared but feel much better now that I know what to expect.
I'm all done right now and I ask if I'm supposed to feel any tingling near the tumor...? Because I DO. They said that's a good thing. I'm pretty happy that this stuff is killing those bad cells.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Houston. We have a problem.
No one said this was going to be easy, right?!?! I went in for Chemo Tuesday and as they removed the ace bandage protecting the surgically sealed and dressed port they noticed it was all red... Cue suspenseful music. Apparently, since we all know how LUCKY I am, my arm had a horrible allergic reaction to the adhesive. Regardless, they *still* had to remove the adhesive. Good times! My arm has some skin left thankfully. The nurse tried to let the area rest and get some air so that we could proceed but it was killing me. I think I have a higher tolerance for pain but, man oh man, I was not happy and I wasn't going to let anyone poke me with a huge gauge needle. Nurse Bill called in reinforcement and Nurse Angela (who I really like) said I shouldn't let anyone touch the arm. Whew! She called Dr. McAndrew (whom I started balling in front of when she saw me and gave me a hug). Dr. McAndrew said we need to wait...Basically, chemo was a "no go" so I am going to re-attempt it Thursday. Same bat time, same bat channel. If the arm isn't well enough by then we will do Monday. Given the pending delivery timeline it's not great news since we want 4 Chemo sessions under my belt before birth but regardless my arm has to heal so there's no chance of infection.
David will be back in town tonight so he can be with me tomorrow. You should have seen how green he was when they were taking off the dressing. He said "Okaaaaay, I'm going to look at my laptop now!" Too funny. Everything else, including hydration and accupuncture, is going to be pushed back too.
More results in today -
David will be back in town tonight so he can be with me tomorrow. You should have seen how green he was when they were taking off the dressing. He said "Okaaaaay, I'm going to look at my laptop now!" Too funny. Everything else, including hydration and accupuncture, is going to be pushed back too.
More results in today -
- Blood Count from Dr. Daly - Normal;
- Diabetes from Dr. Daly - drum roll please - Normal;
- Anti-body test - Negative, but I already know I was Rh-, which means I get a RhoGham shot. No big whoop. I'll get that later this week.
- BRCA (breast cancer gene test) - the MOST important, from Dr. Krisi Funk was NEGATIVE. The full panel was run - no mutation.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Port and Other news...
Morning appointment with Dr. Daly. Glucose test. Yuck and it immediately made me tired and now I'm freaking out that I could have pregancy-induced diabetes. As you know, I have wonderful luck these days. Note to self to buy some lotto tickets.
Give the blood, see the doctor, then I get an ultrasound. Peanut was, amazingly, looking right at the sonographer and waved "hi". I kid you not. I have the proof. He looks so precious and I am really starting to get attached to this little boy. (Side note that I have not been attached in this pregnancy mainly because of Ben and me being scared). I suppose I now have a new appreciation for this little masterpiece growing in my belly. He is tracking a week ahead of schedule and is 2lbs6ozs. I'm happy.
Meet Abby at dance class. She's not in the mood. Instead she wants to cuddle with me and sit in my lap and hang on me. She knows something is up. These kids are so intuitive. I have a band-aid on my arm from where they drew the blood this morning and she points at it. I tell her mommy has a boo-boo and ask her if she wants to kiss it. She does. It really feels all better! We just hang out and since she's not into dance class we head home and get some lunch. She throws a fit when I have to leave...
Flash-forward to after the PAS-port procedure. I now have a powerport buried in my arm...My arm kills. Let's say the Port procedure went as planned...TWICE. Yep, they "missed" the first time. The Dr. said it is like inserting a spaghetti noodle into a tiny key hole and without the flouroscopy it is "difficult" to say the least. So went through it once, went downstairs to get an x-ray, figure out that it was askew and went back up to re-do the procedure. So pissed. And really nervous and scared the second time. This time as he's doing it he asks me to let him know if anything feels out of normal. Well aside from the burning from the alcohol to clean the incision since the previous numbing solutuon wore off...nothing yet. Burning skin! Ugh. Then out of nowhere I feel something in my throat. I tell him are you putting the catheter in my throat? Ooops, he says. Then not two seconds later I feel it behind my ear. He reassures me that it is like the catheter that's in my vein "got off at the 10 when it should have stayed on the 405"...Finally I feel my heart bulge and palpitate. I yell, "MY HEART IS PALPITATING!!!!!" He says that's a good sign! Pffff. Then it's pretty much done. He sews me up, puts on the dressing and the ace bandage and I'm free to leave one-hour late for my EKG.
We get to EKG and it's closed. I flag down a lady in the hall and she tries to help me. Poor woman. She says she can't do it because I don't have the paperwork. WTF. David is fuming. Still I give him the eye and tell nice nurse Jacki that I really appreciate her staying late and helping me so that I don't have to come back. She promises to leave a note for her supervisor and I can have Carla from Dr. McAndrew's office fax over the proper paperwork tomorrow. Get the EKG done in less than 15 minutes and we are done. Spent all afternoon at the hospital again.
Give the blood, see the doctor, then I get an ultrasound. Peanut was, amazingly, looking right at the sonographer and waved "hi". I kid you not. I have the proof. He looks so precious and I am really starting to get attached to this little boy. (Side note that I have not been attached in this pregnancy mainly because of Ben and me being scared). I suppose I now have a new appreciation for this little masterpiece growing in my belly. He is tracking a week ahead of schedule and is 2lbs6ozs. I'm happy.
Meet Abby at dance class. She's not in the mood. Instead she wants to cuddle with me and sit in my lap and hang on me. She knows something is up. These kids are so intuitive. I have a band-aid on my arm from where they drew the blood this morning and she points at it. I tell her mommy has a boo-boo and ask her if she wants to kiss it. She does. It really feels all better! We just hang out and since she's not into dance class we head home and get some lunch. She throws a fit when I have to leave...
Flash-forward to after the PAS-port procedure. I now have a powerport buried in my arm...My arm kills. Let's say the Port procedure went as planned...TWICE. Yep, they "missed" the first time. The Dr. said it is like inserting a spaghetti noodle into a tiny key hole and without the flouroscopy it is "difficult" to say the least. So went through it once, went downstairs to get an x-ray, figure out that it was askew and went back up to re-do the procedure. So pissed. And really nervous and scared the second time. This time as he's doing it he asks me to let him know if anything feels out of normal. Well aside from the burning from the alcohol to clean the incision since the previous numbing solutuon wore off...nothing yet. Burning skin! Ugh. Then out of nowhere I feel something in my throat. I tell him are you putting the catheter in my throat? Ooops, he says. Then not two seconds later I feel it behind my ear. He reassures me that it is like the catheter that's in my vein "got off at the 10 when it should have stayed on the 405"...Finally I feel my heart bulge and palpitate. I yell, "MY HEART IS PALPITATING!!!!!" He says that's a good sign! Pffff. Then it's pretty much done. He sews me up, puts on the dressing and the ace bandage and I'm free to leave one-hour late for my EKG.
We get to EKG and it's closed. I flag down a lady in the hall and she tries to help me. Poor woman. She says she can't do it because I don't have the paperwork. WTF. David is fuming. Still I give him the eye and tell nice nurse Jacki that I really appreciate her staying late and helping me so that I don't have to come back. She promises to leave a note for her supervisor and I can have Carla from Dr. McAndrew's office fax over the proper paperwork tomorrow. Get the EKG done in less than 15 minutes and we are done. Spent all afternoon at the hospital again.
Sunday. A day of reckoning.
Sunday was another exhausting day. I organized some kitchen, junk, dog and Abby drawers because they've been left undone for a while and our housekeeper and nanny just shove things places and it makes me crazy. This time I put labels on things and am adamant that things be put away properly. I know it's just my OCD but seriously when I open drawers and cabinets and there's a mess I get stressed out. Didn't really need to do it but I needed to focus on something other than my cancer and the upcoming treatment. I am starting to get really ANGRY. I took out that anger on the mess...
Thank goodness my sister was here. She helped buffer some of my anger away from David, who really doesn't deserve it. He's just as scared as I am and I don't always know how to let him into my head or let him help. The problem with doing everything household related for your husband, I'm talking bills, errands, shopping, cooking, managing staff, home maintenance, organizing, etc. etc., is that he can't really help when shit hits the fan. He asks me why our housekeeper can't do this stuff. I don't know the answer to that except to say that I must have OCD because I like things a certain way and no one else knows that correct "way" except for psychotic me.
Got some amazing vegan chocolate chip cookies in a care package from Julie and I literally cried. I was ecstatic. They were so good and I am very happy to know that I can satisfy my sweet tooth and still be really, truly satisfied. She gave me a vegan baking cookbook and Lindsey is going to "GET ON IT" for me!! Blueberry pancakes!!
The troops gathered to help me get organized and iron out my schedule. A special shout out to my troops who gathered last minute to help me. This core group will be farming help items out shortly so if you think I left you out I didn't. You have been temporarily spared. I didn't want to overwhelm too many people (and vice versa - overwhelm myself with too many people) and have too many cooks in the kitchen the first week...
I'm feeling a bit better but still know that I'm postponed critical reading that I should be doing to prepare for the port and chemo scheduled Monday and Tuesday...maybe ignorance will be bliss in this circumstance. Plus I really need to read that Betsy Brown Braun book so I can learn to talk to Abby plus I need to read the China Study, plus, plus, plus. One day and one step at a time. Breathe.
Hubby and my girls bought me a macbook air. RIDICULOUS!! I am, however, still writing to you all from my dinosaur, 15-pound Dell Inspiron 17-inch part-computer, part-microwave laptop that I know how to use. I will tackle new technology in the chemo chair to keep me busy. I will soon be blogging to you from an Apple. :)
Thank goodness my sister was here. She helped buffer some of my anger away from David, who really doesn't deserve it. He's just as scared as I am and I don't always know how to let him into my head or let him help. The problem with doing everything household related for your husband, I'm talking bills, errands, shopping, cooking, managing staff, home maintenance, organizing, etc. etc., is that he can't really help when shit hits the fan. He asks me why our housekeeper can't do this stuff. I don't know the answer to that except to say that I must have OCD because I like things a certain way and no one else knows that correct "way" except for psychotic me.
Got some amazing vegan chocolate chip cookies in a care package from Julie and I literally cried. I was ecstatic. They were so good and I am very happy to know that I can satisfy my sweet tooth and still be really, truly satisfied. She gave me a vegan baking cookbook and Lindsey is going to "GET ON IT" for me!! Blueberry pancakes!!
The troops gathered to help me get organized and iron out my schedule. A special shout out to my troops who gathered last minute to help me. This core group will be farming help items out shortly so if you think I left you out I didn't. You have been temporarily spared. I didn't want to overwhelm too many people (and vice versa - overwhelm myself with too many people) and have too many cooks in the kitchen the first week...
I'm feeling a bit better but still know that I'm postponed critical reading that I should be doing to prepare for the port and chemo scheduled Monday and Tuesday...maybe ignorance will be bliss in this circumstance. Plus I really need to read that Betsy Brown Braun book so I can learn to talk to Abby plus I need to read the China Study, plus, plus, plus. One day and one step at a time. Breathe.
Hubby and my girls bought me a macbook air. RIDICULOUS!! I am, however, still writing to you all from my dinosaur, 15-pound Dell Inspiron 17-inch part-computer, part-microwave laptop that I know how to use. I will tackle new technology in the chemo chair to keep me busy. I will soon be blogging to you from an Apple. :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Some random thoughts
I really enjoy spending time with Abby. She is just at a really fun age. Her vocubulary is getting stronger and stronger every day. She's like my own personal parrot.
Lost it at breakfast typing an email to my girlfriends. Thankfully I can play the emotional pregnant lady card.
Getting really overwhelmed by the amount of organizing and odd and ends I need to tend do. I have to take care of my chemo schedule, Abby's schedule, nanny's schedule, extra help schedule, pregnancy schedule, accupuncture and exercise schedule, vitamin and supplement schedule, extra hygiene stuff, new diet regime, regular food for fore the family, along with the regular household bills and errands.
David and I go to CVS with Abby and get some of the new stuff, we go home Lindsey arrives and we go to smart-n-final and the petfood store. I just stock up and everything. Fishy won't ever be hungry again.
It's already 1PM when we get home...ugh. This causes me stress. I need to keep the stress DOWN! What a weekend to give Roxana the weekend off. Abby usually naps by now but I have to get her lunch and me lunch too. She eats and then I put her down. I rock her to sleep before I put her in her crib and she tells me "nite nite"... As I rock her I am wondering if I still will be able to rock her to sleep with the Port in my arm. I sincerely hope I can figure this out. I come down to have lunch myself and realize that I now can't take a nap since I have a 2:45 massage and need to leave by 2:15 to get to MDR. (It's where my favorite therapist is working today and it will be worth it).
Now, anywhere I go I notice hair. Everyone has a lot of hair. For some reason I am noticing my own hair even more. The feel of it cascading down my back, touching my shoulders, falling out from behind my ear and the weight and warmth of it. I can't sugarcoat that not having hair on my head is going to majorly suck. SUPER SUCK. I have decided to wear my hair long and down until it starts to fall out. Then in about 2 weeks when it starts to clump and fall out, I'm going to Piny and he's going to shave it all off. This really scares the bejeesus out of me. I've always had such long, healthy hair. WTF.
Finishing my lunch now but thought I'd take a moment to share with you all (and really take the time to compose myself and my thoughts). Wanted to get some random thoughts down too. The reality of this is really starting to hit me now.
Lost it at breakfast typing an email to my girlfriends. Thankfully I can play the emotional pregnant lady card.
Getting really overwhelmed by the amount of organizing and odd and ends I need to tend do. I have to take care of my chemo schedule, Abby's schedule, nanny's schedule, extra help schedule, pregnancy schedule, accupuncture and exercise schedule, vitamin and supplement schedule, extra hygiene stuff, new diet regime, regular food for fore the family, along with the regular household bills and errands.
David and I go to CVS with Abby and get some of the new stuff, we go home Lindsey arrives and we go to smart-n-final and the petfood store. I just stock up and everything. Fishy won't ever be hungry again.
It's already 1PM when we get home...ugh. This causes me stress. I need to keep the stress DOWN! What a weekend to give Roxana the weekend off. Abby usually naps by now but I have to get her lunch and me lunch too. She eats and then I put her down. I rock her to sleep before I put her in her crib and she tells me "nite nite"... As I rock her I am wondering if I still will be able to rock her to sleep with the Port in my arm. I sincerely hope I can figure this out. I come down to have lunch myself and realize that I now can't take a nap since I have a 2:45 massage and need to leave by 2:15 to get to MDR. (It's where my favorite therapist is working today and it will be worth it).
Now, anywhere I go I notice hair. Everyone has a lot of hair. For some reason I am noticing my own hair even more. The feel of it cascading down my back, touching my shoulders, falling out from behind my ear and the weight and warmth of it. I can't sugarcoat that not having hair on my head is going to majorly suck. SUPER SUCK. I have decided to wear my hair long and down until it starts to fall out. Then in about 2 weeks when it starts to clump and fall out, I'm going to Piny and he's going to shave it all off. This really scares the bejeesus out of me. I've always had such long, healthy hair. WTF.
Finishing my lunch now but thought I'd take a moment to share with you all (and really take the time to compose myself and my thoughts). Wanted to get some random thoughts down too. The reality of this is really starting to hit me now.
Friday, September 17, 2010
You spin me right round, baby, right round
Holy crap. It's Friday. This goes in the record as the craziest week of my life.
Woke up to precious Abby. Rolled around in bed with her. Made breakfast and we hang out a bit. The kitchen table has become a repository for mail, medical paperwork, receipts, and various Abby stuff. It is really bugging me. I usually clear it off nightly. Things like this are slipping through the cracks now. I have to let it go.
I get an email from my girlfriend Susie who is in contact with a co-worker who is a breast cancer survivor. She suggests that I see Piny, the wig guy immediately and also schedule a teeth cleaning because apparently you can't have one during Chemo. I call Dr. Tabsh, my maternal fetal medicine guy to leave another message. I call my dentist and explain my situation and say I need to get in before Tuesday. Receptionist will call me back. I call Piny and when I tell them I start Chemo on Tuesday they tell me to come right down before they close early for high holidays. I help Abby get into her outfit for dance class and I am just eating her up. They leave and I rush upstairs to shower and get dressed then rush out the door.
Get to Piny's salon. My friend Vizhier meets me there for moral support. I'm thinking my wig should be like a Selma Blair bob with bangs. He tells me that a blunt cut bob would make me look like an orthodox jew. I wasn't really thinking to go for that look. Anyway, his work in incredible, the hair and scalp cap look very real. He says if I want a wig with my hair length he says it would run about $6,000. Ouch. I told him my hair, despite its length, is always in a pony tail or a bun so I just need something that is "young Mom easy"...So I am getting a shoulder lenth layered wig with bangs for the bargain price of $3,000. Fantastic.
Rush out of there to get to the dentist at 12:45. She gets to work and I immediately regret making the appointment since I have to endure this pain. I am getting yelled at for not flossing enough or effectively. Anyway, she let me have it. It takes about an hour and Vizhier tells me she's at Barney's eating at the counter. I am so hungry at that point I could eat some rocks. 2:00 lunch. Another delayed meal. I order the salmon, brown rice cooked with peppers, tomatoes, spinach, asparaus and mushrooms. Delicious. I eat the entire thing but my stomach hasn't registered that it's full yet. After I show Vizhier my approved list of cancer-fighting foods she suggests that I get the banana split for dessert. It's a little tradition between us. You know I want that banana split but instead we share the fruit platter. Now I'm full.
David comes to meet us. He walks off the elevator and I think, "Oooo, he's handsome" then I realize it's my husband. That was nice. We head out to Tower Oncology for my Chemo Class. We meet with Anne, an RN, to begin. I am really starting to fade. There is so much to learn but she makes it all easy to understand. FEC-100 is my Chemo treatment and my Port will be a powerport. The port scares me the most. Guess what I get to decide? Whether or not to live in the needle for access or not or just get poked again through the skin to access the port for the Chemo. I choose to not think about this for a bit and make a note to ask Sharon about it. Anne tells us all about the side effects of Chemo and how they will help me manage the symptoms.
So today was:
Piny, the wig guru
Teeth Cleaning
Chemo Class
Next week is:
Monday - Port (1:00PM) and EKG (4:00PM)
Tuesday - Chemo (1:30PM-4:30PM)
Wednesday - Hydration (2-4PM)
This weekend. No Nanny. Gave her the weekend off because I was going to go see my grandparents in Idyllwild with my mom and sister...David was going to be in Miami. Now, I have a million things to organize and deal with and no help. So I'm making my sister come up. Poooooor Auntie Lindsey. My Mom will come up Sunday too.
I had the most amazing prenatal massage with a therapist named Guy Core. He does hot jade stone massage and he got rid of my pregnancy-induced sciatica. He also works with cancer patients and focuses on lymphatic draining. I have a 90 minute massage scheduled with him for Saturday and I am really looking forward to that.
I'm also hoping to just have some time to digest things. I'm pretty overwhelmed!
Woke up to precious Abby. Rolled around in bed with her. Made breakfast and we hang out a bit. The kitchen table has become a repository for mail, medical paperwork, receipts, and various Abby stuff. It is really bugging me. I usually clear it off nightly. Things like this are slipping through the cracks now. I have to let it go.
I get an email from my girlfriend Susie who is in contact with a co-worker who is a breast cancer survivor. She suggests that I see Piny, the wig guy immediately and also schedule a teeth cleaning because apparently you can't have one during Chemo. I call Dr. Tabsh, my maternal fetal medicine guy to leave another message. I call my dentist and explain my situation and say I need to get in before Tuesday. Receptionist will call me back. I call Piny and when I tell them I start Chemo on Tuesday they tell me to come right down before they close early for high holidays. I help Abby get into her outfit for dance class and I am just eating her up. They leave and I rush upstairs to shower and get dressed then rush out the door.
Get to Piny's salon. My friend Vizhier meets me there for moral support. I'm thinking my wig should be like a Selma Blair bob with bangs. He tells me that a blunt cut bob would make me look like an orthodox jew. I wasn't really thinking to go for that look. Anyway, his work in incredible, the hair and scalp cap look very real. He says if I want a wig with my hair length he says it would run about $6,000. Ouch. I told him my hair, despite its length, is always in a pony tail or a bun so I just need something that is "young Mom easy"...So I am getting a shoulder lenth layered wig with bangs for the bargain price of $3,000. Fantastic.
Rush out of there to get to the dentist at 12:45. She gets to work and I immediately regret making the appointment since I have to endure this pain. I am getting yelled at for not flossing enough or effectively. Anyway, she let me have it. It takes about an hour and Vizhier tells me she's at Barney's eating at the counter. I am so hungry at that point I could eat some rocks. 2:00 lunch. Another delayed meal. I order the salmon, brown rice cooked with peppers, tomatoes, spinach, asparaus and mushrooms. Delicious. I eat the entire thing but my stomach hasn't registered that it's full yet. After I show Vizhier my approved list of cancer-fighting foods she suggests that I get the banana split for dessert. It's a little tradition between us. You know I want that banana split but instead we share the fruit platter. Now I'm full.
David comes to meet us. He walks off the elevator and I think, "Oooo, he's handsome" then I realize it's my husband. That was nice. We head out to Tower Oncology for my Chemo Class. We meet with Anne, an RN, to begin. I am really starting to fade. There is so much to learn but she makes it all easy to understand. FEC-100 is my Chemo treatment and my Port will be a powerport. The port scares me the most. Guess what I get to decide? Whether or not to live in the needle for access or not or just get poked again through the skin to access the port for the Chemo. I choose to not think about this for a bit and make a note to ask Sharon about it. Anne tells us all about the side effects of Chemo and how they will help me manage the symptoms.
So today was:
Piny, the wig guru
Teeth Cleaning
Chemo Class
Next week is:
Monday - Port (1:00PM) and EKG (4:00PM)
Tuesday - Chemo (1:30PM-4:30PM)
Wednesday - Hydration (2-4PM)
This weekend. No Nanny. Gave her the weekend off because I was going to go see my grandparents in Idyllwild with my mom and sister...David was going to be in Miami. Now, I have a million things to organize and deal with and no help. So I'm making my sister come up. Poooooor Auntie Lindsey. My Mom will come up Sunday too.
I had the most amazing prenatal massage with a therapist named Guy Core. He does hot jade stone massage and he got rid of my pregnancy-induced sciatica. He also works with cancer patients and focuses on lymphatic draining. I have a 90 minute massage scheduled with him for Saturday and I am really looking forward to that.
I'm also hoping to just have some time to digest things. I'm pretty overwhelmed!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Hot. Wet. Mess.
Finally got some sleep last night.
Abby wakes up we make a protein shake and I throw in some raw kale and some L-Glutamine. Tastes pretty good actually. Wheat bread with organic peanut butter.
Pick up Elizabeth, our irreplaceable housekeeper, at the bottom of the hill.
Come back get both of us dressed and we're off to her new Toddler class at Brentwood Presbyterian. I immediately run into the director and ask to bend her ear. I tell her my situation and how I may not make some classes so is it possible for someone else to bring Abby? She says grandparents and relatives can bring her and even though they general don't allow nannies to bring children they would make an exception for me. We have a great time at class. Abby is being well behaved and has fun. I look around at the mommies and I'm the only pregnant one. I wonder if I'm the only one with Breast Cancer too. Probably. Two for two.
Home for lunch. Put some soup and a plum for myself to go. Run out the door while Abby has a mini-meltdown because she doesn't want me to leave. Lately when she sees Roxana she knows the transition is coming and gets real whiny. Poor baby. I don't want to go but I'm late for my appointment with Dr. Mao at the Tao of Wellness.
Listen to my messages and it's Carla from Dr. McAndrew's office. She's scheduled my Port procedure and EKG for Friday at 7:30AM. I get panicky and then I get really pissed. I asked Dr. McAndrew if I could have the weekend off to feel normal before I start to undergo all the procedures. She said not a problem. So I'm confused and upset and I can't keep it together. I am so angry at this point. I don't want to have the Port put in Friday and have to endure a weekend of potential pain (since I have heard the Port procedure isn't exactly a piece of cake and can hurt for a while afterwards). I realize that I am starting to get really scared. And angry. And panicky. I pull over and call Carla and leave a message telling her that I appreciate her trying to squeeze me in and get the process started immediately but given that I was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago this is all moving so fast and I am freaking out. Dr. McAndrew said it wouldn't be a problem to do the Port monday and start Chemo on Thursday so can I please do that? Anyway, David calls me and I am a hot wet mess. Note to self that you really shouldn't drive while crying. Anyway, I tell him how scared I am and how much I just wanted to have this weekend to myself and pretend like none of this is happening. He wants to call Carla himself. I told him I left a message already but I know that he wants to do this and that's just fine with me. I have to start letting people help me. I need to start letting people help me. I pull myself together. Just letting myself realize that I am scared about this made me feel better. No use denying it.
Drive over to the appointment. Put $2 in the meter. Go upstairs and learn that I've arrived at the ART of Wellness. Ugh. Drive down the block to the TAO of Wellness. Scarf down soup in the hallway. Read through the Tao of Wellness magazine. I really like this stuff. It's all about balance in your life, in your diet, in your mind. Why didn't I find this sooner? As I'm eating Carla calls me back to apologize and says she has rescheduled my Port and EKG for Monday at 1pm and 4pm respectively, my chemo "class" with Ann, RN for tomorrow at 3:30pm and Chemo to start Tuesday at 1:30. I am beyond thrilled. What a relief. I can now relax a bit...
Finally go in to have my consultation with Dr. Mao and his associate Kumiko. Love him. Love this "Integrative Oncology" approach. After our discussion we head to a patient room and I get ready for my accupuncture. I lay down, the needles go in, I listen to the mediation tape and do deep breathing. I'm out like a light for the half hour. So many emotions, so many things happening too fast. I'm wiped out.
My half hour ends and Dr. Mao comes in to discuss nutrition and diet. I get my approved list of cancer-fighting and estrogen-reducing foods (necessary since the tumor is ER+) and given the pregnancy I am even approved to eat chicken, eggs, fish and GOAT dairy. Cheese! I can have some cheese! I am very, very excited by this news. Good thing I love feta.
I want to go home and nap but I also need groceries. Everyone has offered to go grocery shopping for me but I don't know how I let someone do that just yet. I always need stuff within the next day or so. Anyway, despite David's wishes I go to Trader Joe's armed with my new list from Dr. Mao. In the store I feel really good. It felt so good to just do something normal and ordinary. I felt anonymous and I loved it. Almost on my way out I run into child psychologist Betsy Brown Braun whom I know through our dear friend Ann Harmsen. Literally the night before I ordered Betsy's book while on the phone with Sharon (Sharon's recommendation). Her book is "Tell Me What to Say" which helps you discuss topics like sickness and new siblings with your toddlers. I tell Betsy the situation and her response is "FUCK". Yeah, that's how I feel too! Anyway, she tells me that I shouldn't say that I am sick. Sick is a cough or a cold or the flu. Instead it is "Mommy has a problem in her breast and she is taking medicine to fix it". And she wants to make sure that Abby doesn't associate the birth of her baby brother with Mommy's problem. She makes me promise to call her.
On my drive home I talk to my friend/sister Jeanne and try to figure out what they heck to do about the hair and wig situation. She suggests I cut it into a bob and keep the pony tail to make into a wig using my own hair. Then I can have a wig made that's the same short bob style that will be easier to manage and will look similar to my pre-bald state. I'm thinking this sounds good. Will need to do wig research and phone calls next week. Jeanne's going to help.
I get home and I just hit the wall. I put away the perishables and go upstairs to veg out. These marathon days are starting to catch up with me. 20 minutes later I hear "Momma!....Momma!" So I go downstairs to see the little princess. I forget I'm tired and decide to make dinner. I am going to make some wild salmon and I was really excited to make my friend Julie's recipe of what I thought was a bok choy and mushroom saute but as I go to print the recipe I am dissapointed to learn that it is actually a "Spicy Lemony Shiitake Mushroom and Broccoli Rabe" so I don't have the right ingredients. UGH!! I find another recipe on Epicurious.com for Salmon "Bulgogi" with Bok Choy and Mushrooms and decide to try it out. It comes together super quick and super easy. I use some of the marinade to braise the veggies. I serve it with brown rice. Holy Moly. It turns out ridiculous. Freaking delicious. Next time I will add some asparagus too and given all the soy sauce no extra salt or pepper. Alas, I'm very proud of myself.
I make my first "brew" of my special chinese herbs to drink. Not too bad! Sit down to go through the mail and read a lovely and inspiring note from my best friend in High School Aiyana. I wish she lived closer instead of on a farm in Boston!!
In closing, as I sit here and think about all the appointments coming up, I contemplate my last normal weekend. I think this weekend should be about taking a pause and about relaxation and fun. Oh, and it's Yom Kippur. I'd really like to "close the book" on this chapter and start new anyway!
Abby wakes up we make a protein shake and I throw in some raw kale and some L-Glutamine. Tastes pretty good actually. Wheat bread with organic peanut butter.
Pick up Elizabeth, our irreplaceable housekeeper, at the bottom of the hill.
Come back get both of us dressed and we're off to her new Toddler class at Brentwood Presbyterian. I immediately run into the director and ask to bend her ear. I tell her my situation and how I may not make some classes so is it possible for someone else to bring Abby? She says grandparents and relatives can bring her and even though they general don't allow nannies to bring children they would make an exception for me. We have a great time at class. Abby is being well behaved and has fun. I look around at the mommies and I'm the only pregnant one. I wonder if I'm the only one with Breast Cancer too. Probably. Two for two.
Home for lunch. Put some soup and a plum for myself to go. Run out the door while Abby has a mini-meltdown because she doesn't want me to leave. Lately when she sees Roxana she knows the transition is coming and gets real whiny. Poor baby. I don't want to go but I'm late for my appointment with Dr. Mao at the Tao of Wellness.
Listen to my messages and it's Carla from Dr. McAndrew's office. She's scheduled my Port procedure and EKG for Friday at 7:30AM. I get panicky and then I get really pissed. I asked Dr. McAndrew if I could have the weekend off to feel normal before I start to undergo all the procedures. She said not a problem. So I'm confused and upset and I can't keep it together. I am so angry at this point. I don't want to have the Port put in Friday and have to endure a weekend of potential pain (since I have heard the Port procedure isn't exactly a piece of cake and can hurt for a while afterwards). I realize that I am starting to get really scared. And angry. And panicky. I pull over and call Carla and leave a message telling her that I appreciate her trying to squeeze me in and get the process started immediately but given that I was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago this is all moving so fast and I am freaking out. Dr. McAndrew said it wouldn't be a problem to do the Port monday and start Chemo on Thursday so can I please do that? Anyway, David calls me and I am a hot wet mess. Note to self that you really shouldn't drive while crying. Anyway, I tell him how scared I am and how much I just wanted to have this weekend to myself and pretend like none of this is happening. He wants to call Carla himself. I told him I left a message already but I know that he wants to do this and that's just fine with me. I have to start letting people help me. I need to start letting people help me. I pull myself together. Just letting myself realize that I am scared about this made me feel better. No use denying it.
Drive over to the appointment. Put $2 in the meter. Go upstairs and learn that I've arrived at the ART of Wellness. Ugh. Drive down the block to the TAO of Wellness. Scarf down soup in the hallway. Read through the Tao of Wellness magazine. I really like this stuff. It's all about balance in your life, in your diet, in your mind. Why didn't I find this sooner? As I'm eating Carla calls me back to apologize and says she has rescheduled my Port and EKG for Monday at 1pm and 4pm respectively, my chemo "class" with Ann, RN for tomorrow at 3:30pm and Chemo to start Tuesday at 1:30. I am beyond thrilled. What a relief. I can now relax a bit...
Finally go in to have my consultation with Dr. Mao and his associate Kumiko. Love him. Love this "Integrative Oncology" approach. After our discussion we head to a patient room and I get ready for my accupuncture. I lay down, the needles go in, I listen to the mediation tape and do deep breathing. I'm out like a light for the half hour. So many emotions, so many things happening too fast. I'm wiped out.
My half hour ends and Dr. Mao comes in to discuss nutrition and diet. I get my approved list of cancer-fighting and estrogen-reducing foods (necessary since the tumor is ER+) and given the pregnancy I am even approved to eat chicken, eggs, fish and GOAT dairy. Cheese! I can have some cheese! I am very, very excited by this news. Good thing I love feta.
I want to go home and nap but I also need groceries. Everyone has offered to go grocery shopping for me but I don't know how I let someone do that just yet. I always need stuff within the next day or so. Anyway, despite David's wishes I go to Trader Joe's armed with my new list from Dr. Mao. In the store I feel really good. It felt so good to just do something normal and ordinary. I felt anonymous and I loved it. Almost on my way out I run into child psychologist Betsy Brown Braun whom I know through our dear friend Ann Harmsen. Literally the night before I ordered Betsy's book while on the phone with Sharon (Sharon's recommendation). Her book is "Tell Me What to Say" which helps you discuss topics like sickness and new siblings with your toddlers. I tell Betsy the situation and her response is "FUCK". Yeah, that's how I feel too! Anyway, she tells me that I shouldn't say that I am sick. Sick is a cough or a cold or the flu. Instead it is "Mommy has a problem in her breast and she is taking medicine to fix it". And she wants to make sure that Abby doesn't associate the birth of her baby brother with Mommy's problem. She makes me promise to call her.
On my drive home I talk to my friend/sister Jeanne and try to figure out what they heck to do about the hair and wig situation. She suggests I cut it into a bob and keep the pony tail to make into a wig using my own hair. Then I can have a wig made that's the same short bob style that will be easier to manage and will look similar to my pre-bald state. I'm thinking this sounds good. Will need to do wig research and phone calls next week. Jeanne's going to help.
I get home and I just hit the wall. I put away the perishables and go upstairs to veg out. These marathon days are starting to catch up with me. 20 minutes later I hear "Momma!....Momma!" So I go downstairs to see the little princess. I forget I'm tired and decide to make dinner. I am going to make some wild salmon and I was really excited to make my friend Julie's recipe of what I thought was a bok choy and mushroom saute but as I go to print the recipe I am dissapointed to learn that it is actually a "Spicy Lemony Shiitake Mushroom and Broccoli Rabe" so I don't have the right ingredients. UGH!! I find another recipe on Epicurious.com for Salmon "Bulgogi" with Bok Choy and Mushrooms and decide to try it out. It comes together super quick and super easy. I use some of the marinade to braise the veggies. I serve it with brown rice. Holy Moly. It turns out ridiculous. Freaking delicious. Next time I will add some asparagus too and given all the soy sauce no extra salt or pepper. Alas, I'm very proud of myself.
I make my first "brew" of my special chinese herbs to drink. Not too bad! Sit down to go through the mail and read a lovely and inspiring note from my best friend in High School Aiyana. I wish she lived closer instead of on a farm in Boston!!
In closing, as I sit here and think about all the appointments coming up, I contemplate my last normal weekend. I think this weekend should be about taking a pause and about relaxation and fun. Oh, and it's Yom Kippur. I'd really like to "close the book" on this chapter and start new anyway!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Running on Empty
Run down of the day...today's theme "so much to do so little time!" Didn't take a nap and I'm basically running on fumes. Abby was fine all day. As my friend Jeanne said "Is Abby better? If so that is the fastest stomach bug ever" so I really don't know what it is. It could possibly be the fact that Mommy never lets me eat hawaiian pizza from Little Ceasar's so when nanny Roxana offers it to me I'm going to gorge myself on it and have TWO whole slices. Yuck. Bad Nanny, she knows better! No fast food for Abby even when you want to treat her. Her stomach is too sensitive for that crap. Anywhoooo, she went for her wellness appointment and she is on track and healthy. Got her flu shot today and was such a big brave girl with the doctor. Told Dr. Sachs about the baby coming and he asks when I'm due. I tell him December and Dr. Sachs, the king of inappropriate comments, says "Oh, you look much further along!" Um yeah. Thanks? Then he proceeds to call Abby short and fat, saying that she is half an inch shorter than average and about a pound over average weight. I told him the nurse didn't measure her right because she's usually taller than most kids the same age. The nerve. Anyway, I tell him about the news. He tells me that he knows of several other young women who have been diagnosed as well and that it seems to be more and more frequent. He makes me feel comforted that Peanut will be fine and we'll get through this. So I forgive him as usual for his strange comments...
Come home and get on the computer, respond to emails, make more calls, pay bills, pay Mandeville Canyon bills, and the time gets away from me so I forget to eat lunch. BAD. BAD. BAD. I have all this healthy and delicious food from Chef Jason so really I have no excuse. I pack myself a ton of food to go and change quickly to pick up David for Dr. McAndrew's office! I scarf down food at stop lights. We finally arrive at Tower Oncology and oh boy, this place looks like a machine. We check in and they are ready for me. The receptionist whips through consent forms like a tornado so fast my head spins. David asks if she has a sister that's just as good so he can hire her immediately. I glance up and see a patient walk by with a scarf on her head and I almost lose it. That really got to me for some reason. This is really happening.
OMG, then this woman, no goddess, named Portia goes over insurance and explains everything you ever did and didn't want to know about insurance, deductibles, co-insurance and stop loss. That was an education that I desperately needed.
We get back to the waiting room and before I can even finish the questionnaire or scarf down more lunch we are escorted back to meet Dr. McAndrew. I see her and get emotional. She gives me the warmest hug and tells me it's going to be OK. I don't know if it's the fatigue or the lack of eating or both but we go over so much information and I feel like I only retained about 10% of it. Basically, the gist is that I need Chemo to contain and shrink this tumor on a fast track because we need to get enough sessions in that we can start to treat and get my counts back up in time to deliver.
Gotta go! Sharon, my new BFF, is calling me so she can help me download all this info. Oh yeah, I'm starting Chemo most likely this coming Monday. How's that for being so fast it makes your head spin?
Come home and get on the computer, respond to emails, make more calls, pay bills, pay Mandeville Canyon bills, and the time gets away from me so I forget to eat lunch. BAD. BAD. BAD. I have all this healthy and delicious food from Chef Jason so really I have no excuse. I pack myself a ton of food to go and change quickly to pick up David for Dr. McAndrew's office! I scarf down food at stop lights. We finally arrive at Tower Oncology and oh boy, this place looks like a machine. We check in and they are ready for me. The receptionist whips through consent forms like a tornado so fast my head spins. David asks if she has a sister that's just as good so he can hire her immediately. I glance up and see a patient walk by with a scarf on her head and I almost lose it. That really got to me for some reason. This is really happening.
OMG, then this woman, no goddess, named Portia goes over insurance and explains everything you ever did and didn't want to know about insurance, deductibles, co-insurance and stop loss. That was an education that I desperately needed.
We get back to the waiting room and before I can even finish the questionnaire or scarf down more lunch we are escorted back to meet Dr. McAndrew. I see her and get emotional. She gives me the warmest hug and tells me it's going to be OK. I don't know if it's the fatigue or the lack of eating or both but we go over so much information and I feel like I only retained about 10% of it. Basically, the gist is that I need Chemo to contain and shrink this tumor on a fast track because we need to get enough sessions in that we can start to treat and get my counts back up in time to deliver.
Gotta go! Sharon, my new BFF, is calling me so she can help me download all this info. Oh yeah, I'm starting Chemo most likely this coming Monday. How's that for being so fast it makes your head spin?
Oh, what a night!
So...it has to be some kind of stomach bug. She was up again at 11 then midnight then 1AM. She just had to get it all out. Made the mistake of giving her a big glass of water after the first time (thought you had to keep kids hydrated) but Dr. Sears says for the first 4 hours after the first projectile vomit (nice visual, right?) you shouldn't give them anything so they can get it all out of their system. Oops. Thankfully this is the first time in her 21 months that I've had to deal with any kind of stomach sickness so I am still counting my lucky starts. Finally around 1AM she got to the dry heaves and all was well. Changed her sheet and pad about 3 times and decided to instead layer old hospital blankets (thought David was crazy for taking these) and layers of extra sheets on top of her now partially cleaned shag rug (note to self to send that out for cleaning ASAP) and I get my pillows and we have a slumber party. Miraculously, given the day I've had, I'm wide awake and full of energy. I'm excited to roll around on the floor with her, cuddle and watch her sleep. I think I am just learning to be grateful for every minute I have on this earth. But boy does that put a lot of pressure on -- to really, truly live each day to the fullest. No option to be lazy and take a day off!
My body still wakes me up around 6:30 but I lay very still and watch her sleep and adjust her sleep position. Too cute. I *try* to go back to sleep but just lay there until she wakes up around 8:00. She looks confused. She walks to the closed door and says "BLUE"! She wants her blue lovey that was in the dryer. She didn't miss a thing. By the way if you don't have extra "lovies" around for your kid I suggest you do so that if they puke all over the current one you can just keep switching them out. She has three ivory lovies but I found Ben's blue one in a box a while back and so, of course, her favorite is blue.
She has toast, applesauce and banana and some water and seems to be just fine. I have flaxseed toast with organic peanut butter and make myself a fresh veggie juice of cucumber, apple, carrot, kale, and beet. It actually tastes delicious. I'm sure I put too much of the sweeter stuff but I'll get there! Thanks Ashley for my juicer, who got it for us as a wedding gift!
Call Dr. Tabsh, my previous high-risk MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor, to make an appointment. He delivered the twins. LVM for Judy at the front desk telling her the good and bad news. Boy they aren't going to believe it since they were already so upset for us about Ben. Dr. Funk suggested I get back with him since they want to actively monitor Peanut while I undergo Chemo and will need to do an Amnio to schedule early delivery somewhere between 32-35 weeks. I don't like that idea. I am adamant about 36 weeks. Abby and Ben were born at 36.5 weeks and thankfully were 6lbsozs and 5lbs14ozs respectively and did not need the NICU. Dr. Tabsh is conservative which will work well for me in that regard. Also, when I got home from yesterday's appointments I had another bill from Dr. Daly's office for $1,300. I've already paid about $7,500 out of pocket. So even though I really like Dr. Daly given the new status and my required more aggressive monitoring going forward I am going to have to switch. The bills I keep getting make the switch that much easier. I mean seriously! Dr. Tabsh took my insurance and I loved him. But you don't go to a MFM unless you need to so...
Called the Tao of Wellness. The receptionist had a consult available with Dr. Mao in mid-October so I explained my situation and she's now squeezing me in tomorrow at noon. Accupuncture, herbal medicine and nutrition.
Also going to see a nutritionist, Derek at New Metabolism next Tuesday at 1:30. Thank you Maggie and Matt! I really need some help navigating the diet and all the conflicting information. I'm sure Dr. McAndrew's office will have some input as well...
Off to take Abby to her "wellness" appointment. Poor baby.
P.S. I apologize for any typos in my blog entries but I'm trying to do it quickly so you'll just have to get over it. :)
My body still wakes me up around 6:30 but I lay very still and watch her sleep and adjust her sleep position. Too cute. I *try* to go back to sleep but just lay there until she wakes up around 8:00. She looks confused. She walks to the closed door and says "BLUE"! She wants her blue lovey that was in the dryer. She didn't miss a thing. By the way if you don't have extra "lovies" around for your kid I suggest you do so that if they puke all over the current one you can just keep switching them out. She has three ivory lovies but I found Ben's blue one in a box a while back and so, of course, her favorite is blue.
She has toast, applesauce and banana and some water and seems to be just fine. I have flaxseed toast with organic peanut butter and make myself a fresh veggie juice of cucumber, apple, carrot, kale, and beet. It actually tastes delicious. I'm sure I put too much of the sweeter stuff but I'll get there! Thanks Ashley for my juicer, who got it for us as a wedding gift!
Call Dr. Tabsh, my previous high-risk MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor, to make an appointment. He delivered the twins. LVM for Judy at the front desk telling her the good and bad news. Boy they aren't going to believe it since they were already so upset for us about Ben. Dr. Funk suggested I get back with him since they want to actively monitor Peanut while I undergo Chemo and will need to do an Amnio to schedule early delivery somewhere between 32-35 weeks. I don't like that idea. I am adamant about 36 weeks. Abby and Ben were born at 36.5 weeks and thankfully were 6lbsozs and 5lbs14ozs respectively and did not need the NICU. Dr. Tabsh is conservative which will work well for me in that regard. Also, when I got home from yesterday's appointments I had another bill from Dr. Daly's office for $1,300. I've already paid about $7,500 out of pocket. So even though I really like Dr. Daly given the new status and my required more aggressive monitoring going forward I am going to have to switch. The bills I keep getting make the switch that much easier. I mean seriously! Dr. Tabsh took my insurance and I loved him. But you don't go to a MFM unless you need to so...
Called the Tao of Wellness. The receptionist had a consult available with Dr. Mao in mid-October so I explained my situation and she's now squeezing me in tomorrow at noon. Accupuncture, herbal medicine and nutrition.
Also going to see a nutritionist, Derek at New Metabolism next Tuesday at 1:30. Thank you Maggie and Matt! I really need some help navigating the diet and all the conflicting information. I'm sure Dr. McAndrew's office will have some input as well...
Off to take Abby to her "wellness" appointment. Poor baby.
P.S. I apologize for any typos in my blog entries but I'm trying to do it quickly so you'll just have to get over it. :)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Long. Day. Two.
This morning Peanut wakes me up at 5:45. Can't go back to sleep. Abby decides to wake up at 7:15. That was nice to lay in bed for once. She wakes up in a great mood and that makes me happy. We hang out until I have to leave for my first appointment.
While filling out my first of what I'm sure are going to be a zillion questionnaires, Dr. Daly's nurse calls to tell me the pathology report has been finalized. David runs over to pick up a copy. The results are HER-2/neu (HER2-); ER+ (estrogen positive); PR-/+ (progesterone weakly positive). The HER2- means that this is a less aggressive cancer. That is somewhat good news. But don't know what else it really means until we meet with the oncologist...
After the usual insurance, questionnaire, and vitals rigamorole we meet with Dr. Alice Chung. She is young and she is instantly engaging. She starts from the beginning going over the basics of breast cancer and then get specific to my case. She orders a digital mammogram because she is concerned about my right breast since there is a tumor in my left breast. David offers that I should do the left breast too, right??? Thank you very much husband of mine. I tell him that even though I've never had a mammogram I've heard it feels like squishing your boob in the fridge door. But he's right.
Post mammogram they discover some calcifications (calcium that deposits when cells die) in both breasts so she orders an ultrasound of the right breast and also wants a biopsy of the enlarged lymph node on the left. I get to undergo a fine needle aspiration. They take two samples and have the radiologist come down to check the results, they need two more samples. Stab, stab, stab. Finally they get what they need.
We get back to our room to discuss the results with Dr. Chung. The radiologists preliminary result is positive on the lymph node. So...I am now Stage III. This is so not what we were hoping for. The pregnancy also means we can't do full scans/MRI/imaging to acurately figure out if it has spread anywhere else. This changes what I thought was going to be the "plan"... Now the plan is 1) find an oncologist 2) start chemotherapy to shrink the tumor and kill any "rogue" cells 3) deliver the baby 4) finish chemo (with the really bad stuff post-baby) 5) Surgery 6) Radiation.
David and I both really like Dr. Chung. She is very knowledgeable and really helps me understand that this is cureable and that I have options. Her staff is incredible and everything is state of the art and immediately available since her office is within St. John's hospital. On my way out I hear Dr. Chung speaking directly to Dr. McAndrew to see if she'll see me. This surgeon isn't messing around. Now on to go see Dr. Funk...
David grabbed me a turkey sandwich in a plastic box from the hospital cafeteria that I scarf down dry since I am starving! Peanut is pissed. He is kicking me for food. Meanwhile David is raving about the amazing cafeteria at St. John's and his delicious chicken and spinach fettucini pasta that he had while I was getting my biopsy!
We race to Dr. Funk. She can't see us for another hour or so. We walk over to Neiman's for my second lunch. I can't eat my salad fast enough. Scarf that down then try to get through to Dr. McAndrew's office. I'm getting panicky to see her. Leave a message. Waaaah. Get back to Dr. Funk's office and wait. On a side note, having just been at the John Wayne Cancer Institute, the Pink Lotus Breast Center has the feel of a medical spa/plastic surgeon's office. And the staff seem very "different". I'm on a high after being with Dr. Chung so I'm being super critical here, of course.
Finally at around 4:45 we go to a room with the nurse. After she takes my vitals and gathers more info my phone buzzes and it's Dr. McAndrew's office!! She can see me tomorrow at 3pm. Hallelujah! 5pm we meet Dr. Funk. She walks in a gives me a big hug and says how sorry she is about this ordeal. She has already talked to the pathologist and accessed the records at St. John AND she has talked to Dr. McAndrew as well. We immediately get down to business. She also "starts from the beginning" but during her explanations I am learning even more detailed information than before. I don't think it's a bad thing that I am seeing two of the best breast surgeon in Los Angeles and that I am in love with both of them, is it?
Basically, the type of cancer I have and the fact that the lymph node is infected means my treatment REQUIRES radiation. And regardless of whether I decide to do a lumpectomy or a mastectomy (depends on personal choice) I will have radiation. That answers that question. The other thing is that surgery will come later. Chemotherapy has to start right away. That will be determined by the oncologist. We discuss many more details but even though I am blown away that it is stage III I am so encouraged to know more information and to know that soon I will have a plan of attack!
We race home to see Abby. She is SO excited to see Mommy. This makes my whole day. I was completely exhausted driving home and just forgot all about it when I saw those beautiful blue eyes light up. She won't let me out of her sight to even use the restroom so I know she missed me tons. We go upstairs to read some books. Apparently she had some pizza with our nanny and a lot of it. When we get upstairs she blows chunks all over herself, me and the shag rug. Poor baby. I'm hoping it was just from too much food and the excitement and not the beginning of something else. That's all I need right now! Thankfully she sees the doctor tomorrow morning for her wellness appointment. I strip her clothes, put her in the bath and brush her teeth. She seems totally unfazed and just happy to have me home. We read books put on pajamas and then I rock and sing her to sleep. I sing "good night Abby, good night Abby, good night Abby, it's time to go to sleep" and she sings "Abby" then I change it to say Mommy and she says "momma" and then Daddy and she screams "dadda" then I let out a big sigh because I'm just happy to hold her and she's being a dream and she sighs right along with me. Too precious. The she says "momma" and I say "yeah?" and she gives me a kiss. Please don't let my heart melt because I love her so much!!
Full day tomorrow! Abby to see doctor at 10:45 and me to see doctor at 3:00.
Nite-Nite.
While filling out my first of what I'm sure are going to be a zillion questionnaires, Dr. Daly's nurse calls to tell me the pathology report has been finalized. David runs over to pick up a copy. The results are HER-2/neu (HER2-); ER+ (estrogen positive); PR-/+ (progesterone weakly positive). The HER2- means that this is a less aggressive cancer. That is somewhat good news. But don't know what else it really means until we meet with the oncologist...
After the usual insurance, questionnaire, and vitals rigamorole we meet with Dr. Alice Chung. She is young and she is instantly engaging. She starts from the beginning going over the basics of breast cancer and then get specific to my case. She orders a digital mammogram because she is concerned about my right breast since there is a tumor in my left breast. David offers that I should do the left breast too, right??? Thank you very much husband of mine. I tell him that even though I've never had a mammogram I've heard it feels like squishing your boob in the fridge door. But he's right.
Post mammogram they discover some calcifications (calcium that deposits when cells die) in both breasts so she orders an ultrasound of the right breast and also wants a biopsy of the enlarged lymph node on the left. I get to undergo a fine needle aspiration. They take two samples and have the radiologist come down to check the results, they need two more samples. Stab, stab, stab. Finally they get what they need.
We get back to our room to discuss the results with Dr. Chung. The radiologists preliminary result is positive on the lymph node. So...I am now Stage III. This is so not what we were hoping for. The pregnancy also means we can't do full scans/MRI/imaging to acurately figure out if it has spread anywhere else. This changes what I thought was going to be the "plan"... Now the plan is 1) find an oncologist 2) start chemotherapy to shrink the tumor and kill any "rogue" cells 3) deliver the baby 4) finish chemo (with the really bad stuff post-baby) 5) Surgery 6) Radiation.
David and I both really like Dr. Chung. She is very knowledgeable and really helps me understand that this is cureable and that I have options. Her staff is incredible and everything is state of the art and immediately available since her office is within St. John's hospital. On my way out I hear Dr. Chung speaking directly to Dr. McAndrew to see if she'll see me. This surgeon isn't messing around. Now on to go see Dr. Funk...
David grabbed me a turkey sandwich in a plastic box from the hospital cafeteria that I scarf down dry since I am starving! Peanut is pissed. He is kicking me for food. Meanwhile David is raving about the amazing cafeteria at St. John's and his delicious chicken and spinach fettucini pasta that he had while I was getting my biopsy!
We race to Dr. Funk. She can't see us for another hour or so. We walk over to Neiman's for my second lunch. I can't eat my salad fast enough. Scarf that down then try to get through to Dr. McAndrew's office. I'm getting panicky to see her. Leave a message. Waaaah. Get back to Dr. Funk's office and wait. On a side note, having just been at the John Wayne Cancer Institute, the Pink Lotus Breast Center has the feel of a medical spa/plastic surgeon's office. And the staff seem very "different". I'm on a high after being with Dr. Chung so I'm being super critical here, of course.
Finally at around 4:45 we go to a room with the nurse. After she takes my vitals and gathers more info my phone buzzes and it's Dr. McAndrew's office!! She can see me tomorrow at 3pm. Hallelujah! 5pm we meet Dr. Funk. She walks in a gives me a big hug and says how sorry she is about this ordeal. She has already talked to the pathologist and accessed the records at St. John AND she has talked to Dr. McAndrew as well. We immediately get down to business. She also "starts from the beginning" but during her explanations I am learning even more detailed information than before. I don't think it's a bad thing that I am seeing two of the best breast surgeon in Los Angeles and that I am in love with both of them, is it?
Basically, the type of cancer I have and the fact that the lymph node is infected means my treatment REQUIRES radiation. And regardless of whether I decide to do a lumpectomy or a mastectomy (depends on personal choice) I will have radiation. That answers that question. The other thing is that surgery will come later. Chemotherapy has to start right away. That will be determined by the oncologist. We discuss many more details but even though I am blown away that it is stage III I am so encouraged to know more information and to know that soon I will have a plan of attack!
We race home to see Abby. She is SO excited to see Mommy. This makes my whole day. I was completely exhausted driving home and just forgot all about it when I saw those beautiful blue eyes light up. She won't let me out of her sight to even use the restroom so I know she missed me tons. We go upstairs to read some books. Apparently she had some pizza with our nanny and a lot of it. When we get upstairs she blows chunks all over herself, me and the shag rug. Poor baby. I'm hoping it was just from too much food and the excitement and not the beginning of something else. That's all I need right now! Thankfully she sees the doctor tomorrow morning for her wellness appointment. I strip her clothes, put her in the bath and brush her teeth. She seems totally unfazed and just happy to have me home. We read books put on pajamas and then I rock and sing her to sleep. I sing "good night Abby, good night Abby, good night Abby, it's time to go to sleep" and she sings "Abby" then I change it to say Mommy and she says "momma" and then Daddy and she screams "dadda" then I let out a big sigh because I'm just happy to hold her and she's being a dream and she sighs right along with me. Too precious. The she says "momma" and I say "yeah?" and she gives me a kiss. Please don't let my heart melt because I love her so much!!
Full day tomorrow! Abby to see doctor at 10:45 and me to see doctor at 3:00.
Nite-Nite.
Monday, September 13, 2010
longest. day. ever.
I got my first strange look at my pregnant belly from the receptionist at the radiology department at St. John's...she smiles and says to me "you must be lost"... Nope. "Is this radiology? I'm here to pick up my films and report." Amusing.
Abby knows something is up. She is acting crazy like a wild chimpanzee. I was thinking she might start flinging her own poop at one point. Screaming like a banshee too. Poor baby didn't get her usual routine today. I must take pause to make sure she has a quality day. That is the priority. Don't forget.
I'm not really a phone person. Guess that is going to change. Oy. My jaw is actually tired from talking all day. So much researching today. I'm trying to keep up with all the emails and information. I can't remember the last time I've been this tired. Not even after nursing twins all night. That was new and exciting. This, not so much.
Tomorrow - Dr. Chung and Dr. Funk; get report and films to Dr. McAndrew's office; get report and films to Dr. Slaman's office. Call Pathologist to find out where the full report is. Abby gets to go to Dance class with her two Grandma's. She should enjoy that (hopefully ceases to act like chimpanzee).
Wednesday - Abby wellness appointment (used pregnancy/cancer sympathy card to reschedule since they were going to make me come at the end of the month; shameless but I only speak the truth)
Abby knows something is up. She is acting crazy like a wild chimpanzee. I was thinking she might start flinging her own poop at one point. Screaming like a banshee too. Poor baby didn't get her usual routine today. I must take pause to make sure she has a quality day. That is the priority. Don't forget.
I'm not really a phone person. Guess that is going to change. Oy. My jaw is actually tired from talking all day. So much researching today. I'm trying to keep up with all the emails and information. I can't remember the last time I've been this tired. Not even after nursing twins all night. That was new and exciting. This, not so much.
Tomorrow - Dr. Chung and Dr. Funk; get report and films to Dr. McAndrew's office; get report and films to Dr. Slaman's office. Call Pathologist to find out where the full report is. Abby gets to go to Dance class with her two Grandma's. She should enjoy that (hopefully ceases to act like chimpanzee).
Wednesday - Abby wellness appointment (used pregnancy/cancer sympathy card to reschedule since they were going to make me come at the end of the month; shameless but I only speak the truth)
I'd like a sense of normalcy
Been on the phone on and off all morning. Didn't eat breakfast (which for those of you who know me well is a disaster since I usually fuel up with a hearty meal in the AM). Had a couple bites of kashi cereal. Got Abby dressed to take her to dance class. Meanwhile David keeps coming in to make sure I am "tackling" my list of phone calls and chimes in when I am talking to people and offers suggestions as to how I should approach my phone calls...I appreciate support but I don't have patience for micro-managers at this point. I worked in Investment Banking and Private Equity and I do have "some" level of attention to detail (I'm being snarky here). He senses my irritation, apologizes and let's me do my thing. Good man. Lack of food and being managed makes me really cranky though...
I make a few more phone calls before we leave to take Abby to dance class which I am REALLY looking forward to so I can gain some sense of normalcy. David's going to do a conference call during class and then we'll grab some lunch together before we bring Abby home for her nap. On the way there I realize I scheduled an 11AM meeting with our A/V people at the house (which they tell me I *have* to be at for reasons I don't get -- here's the to-do list so please just DO it...). Anyway, we try to figure out how we can swing the conference call, Abby in dance class and the A/V meeting and realize we have to just turn around and go home. Ugh. This really irks me. Poor Abby. She's in her little outfit and dance shoes saying "dance, dance, dance" when we get pull into the garage at home. Sorry baby, we'll do dance class tomorrow. I can tell she senses the stress right now. She needs to be having fun right now, ugh!
David gets on his call, I talk to the A/V people and go over the to-do list and they get to work. Why I needed to be here? NO IDEA. Abby's pooped for the fourth time today and I'm getting worried that something is going on with her. She seems a little warm too. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Change her out of dance clothes and go downstairs for some lunch. She has vegetable soup. I'm warming some vegetarian lentil soup and making a salad. David comes in to eat...he makes himself a deli meat melt with pop chips. Oh boy am I annoyed. Abby sees the pop chips and screams for some. So now she is inhaling pop chips instead of her soup. I hide them and tell him not to let her see them puleeeeaaasseee. He sits in the other room with his lunch. Man this is going to be really, really hard. I have to change my diet and figure out how to do so with a toddler and a grown man who eats like one. Ya think I don't want a deli melt and some pop chips too?!?!
I make a few more phone calls before we leave to take Abby to dance class which I am REALLY looking forward to so I can gain some sense of normalcy. David's going to do a conference call during class and then we'll grab some lunch together before we bring Abby home for her nap. On the way there I realize I scheduled an 11AM meeting with our A/V people at the house (which they tell me I *have* to be at for reasons I don't get -- here's the to-do list so please just DO it...). Anyway, we try to figure out how we can swing the conference call, Abby in dance class and the A/V meeting and realize we have to just turn around and go home. Ugh. This really irks me. Poor Abby. She's in her little outfit and dance shoes saying "dance, dance, dance" when we get pull into the garage at home. Sorry baby, we'll do dance class tomorrow. I can tell she senses the stress right now. She needs to be having fun right now, ugh!
David gets on his call, I talk to the A/V people and go over the to-do list and they get to work. Why I needed to be here? NO IDEA. Abby's pooped for the fourth time today and I'm getting worried that something is going on with her. She seems a little warm too. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Change her out of dance clothes and go downstairs for some lunch. She has vegetable soup. I'm warming some vegetarian lentil soup and making a salad. David comes in to eat...he makes himself a deli meat melt with pop chips. Oh boy am I annoyed. Abby sees the pop chips and screams for some. So now she is inhaling pop chips instead of her soup. I hide them and tell him not to let her see them puleeeeaaasseee. He sits in the other room with his lunch. Man this is going to be really, really hard. I have to change my diet and figure out how to do so with a toddler and a grown man who eats like one. Ya think I don't want a deli melt and some pop chips too?!?!
Phone calls with doctor's offices suck
Going to see Dr. Funk tomorrow at 2pm. Still seeing Dr. Alice Chung at 9:30AM. I had made a wellness appointment for Abby a month ago and of course THAT is also tomorrow at 9:30. I keep calling the doctor's office and the phone system keeps hanging up on me. Left messages for Dr. Slamon and his nurse practitioner at the clinic (she's not back until Wednesday however) and called Dr. McAndrew's office but their phone systems are down too. Medical office phone system disaster today for two different offices not even in the same location. Just my luck...ha ha.
Darn it, gilt.com is having a maternity focused sale and I don't even have time to check it out. This pisses me off. I mean, I still have to look good, right?!?!?
While on the phone I am reading recipes from Julie's website and am salivating. I am starving. Time to take a break and eat something. Note to self to look up vegetarian breakfast recipes. Oh maybe blueberry whole grain pancakes might be included. Wishful thinking. I have so much reading and research to do.
Darn it, gilt.com is having a maternity focused sale and I don't even have time to check it out. This pisses me off. I mean, I still have to look good, right?!?!?
While on the phone I am reading recipes from Julie's website and am salivating. I am starving. Time to take a break and eat something. Note to self to look up vegetarian breakfast recipes. Oh maybe blueberry whole grain pancakes might be included. Wishful thinking. I have so much reading and research to do.
Two new things
My friend Julie mentioned that I should look into The China Study and then five minutes later our friend Donya emails to tell me she is sending me The China Study (Campell and Campbell II) and Eat to Live (Fuhrman). I bought all kinds of dark green vegetables at the farmer's market that were outside my normal comfort level (we go to farmer's market for our fruits and veggies every week anyway) since I don't normally buy kale and bok choy. I have no idea how to cook these things. I do know how to cook beets but I don't know what to do with them RAW. If any of you have wonderful vegan and vegetarian recipes for me PLEASE post them or email them to me!!
On another note, David is extremely dismayed by my new interest in changing my diet. Here's an email excerpt he sent back to our friend Donya "on the lighter side...Thanks for f*cking up my diet. No more In-N-out or pizza now...I'm betting the China Study doesn't even support Dim Sum!" This has me in stitches laughing so hard. The China Study doesn't even let you eat Chinese food!! Funny thing is that is exactly what we had for dinner last night anyway. Oh he is too much sometimes.
My friend Ashley has told me about an article in the New England Journal of Medicine that mentions an Australian study LINKING in vitro fertilization treatments to higher rates of breast and uterine cancer in the first 12 months after exposure. She is going to send me the article. I just feel that so deeply within my bones that this is true. I can't wait to read this article.
It's 7:41 and almost 8AM to call Dr. Funk to see her today and Dr.s McAndrew and Slamon to beg and plead to see them hopefully this week too.
Didn't sleep well at all last night by the way. I hate waking up to remember I have cancer. It's so weird. Guess it's not going away. Cheers to making things happen this week. I hope to find out more about tumor type from the patholigist in the next few days. If not, I am going to track him down and squeeze it out of him.
On another note, David is extremely dismayed by my new interest in changing my diet. Here's an email excerpt he sent back to our friend Donya "on the lighter side...Thanks for f*cking up my diet. No more In-N-out or pizza now...I'm betting the China Study doesn't even support Dim Sum!" This has me in stitches laughing so hard. The China Study doesn't even let you eat Chinese food!! Funny thing is that is exactly what we had for dinner last night anyway. Oh he is too much sometimes.
My friend Ashley has told me about an article in the New England Journal of Medicine that mentions an Australian study LINKING in vitro fertilization treatments to higher rates of breast and uterine cancer in the first 12 months after exposure. She is going to send me the article. I just feel that so deeply within my bones that this is true. I can't wait to read this article.
It's 7:41 and almost 8AM to call Dr. Funk to see her today and Dr.s McAndrew and Slamon to beg and plead to see them hopefully this week too.
Didn't sleep well at all last night by the way. I hate waking up to remember I have cancer. It's so weird. Guess it's not going away. Cheers to making things happen this week. I hope to find out more about tumor type from the patholigist in the next few days. If not, I am going to track him down and squeeze it out of him.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
my head might explode from information overload
This has been a long weekend. Lots of thinking. Lots of reading. Lots of research. Lots of talking. Lots of listening. And going through the normal motions of being with Abby and being pregnant. Needless to say I'm wiped out. The support I have received in the form of emails, posts, phone calls and visits has been so welcome and so helpful. I do not feel alone in this fight against this dreaded disease. I feel incredibly encouraged.
We've also made progress in doctor referrals and in understanding more about my potential therapy. Much of it depends on factors that are still unknown. Confirming the tumor type, grade, and stage will all be critical before we really understand what we are dealing with and what the proper course of treatment will be.
Here's what I know. I'm going Monday to see Dr. Kristi Funk (breast surgeon) at the Pink Lotus Breast Center. Tuesday morning I am meeting Dr. Alice Chung (breast surgeon) at the John Wayne Cancer Institute. We are making appointments to see Dr. Dennis Slamon (oncologist) and Dr. Philomena McAndrew (oncologist). We've also got referrals for Dr. John Link (oncologist but works in Orange County); and two more at the Angeles Clinic in addition to Dr. Melani Shaum who was the first oncologist we met with - Dr. Cathie Chung (formerly at City of Hope) and Dr. Silvana Martino (however, mixed reviews). I also have referrals for plastic surgeons as well which will be helpful if I need to go that route. The unknown is the biggest issue right now.
Watching mad men. I really, really dislike Betty Draper. Her new husband is a douche too. I don't know why they annoy me so much. And holy cow, Joan has a big stick up her butt too. What's going on this season. I'm mixed. I'm also distracted too...still it's one of the better shows on TV.
Talked to Sharon today who is like an Angel from Heaven. She is a breast cancer survivor and was treated while pregnant with her second son. She is a hero. She makes me happy and feel so hopeful. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better and I'm positive I'm going to heavily rely on her through this. Poor girl!!
Talked to Sandy today too, who was incredibly helpful and my friend Karen, whom I love dearly. I'm finding it hard to reach out to some of my best friends though, which is stupid. I just feel like I've already taxed so many people when Ben passed away. I feel that I've already had a tragedy where people bring you food and take care of you and look after you. Now to have to ask again just makes me so sad and angry. I love them and I know they love me but I wish I could be the friend that has great things happen to them and gets to revel with them in delight. I know, I know...
I've been having all these weird funny thoughts and wanted to post them but major pregnancy brain. I've forgotten them all now plus I'm so tired. Bleh. Maybe I'll remember them tomorrow.
Oh, also a shout out to my gorgeous, talented, eloquent, most fabulous sister whom I love more than I can say for being here for me Saturday. I love you.
We've also made progress in doctor referrals and in understanding more about my potential therapy. Much of it depends on factors that are still unknown. Confirming the tumor type, grade, and stage will all be critical before we really understand what we are dealing with and what the proper course of treatment will be.
Here's what I know. I'm going Monday to see Dr. Kristi Funk (breast surgeon) at the Pink Lotus Breast Center. Tuesday morning I am meeting Dr. Alice Chung (breast surgeon) at the John Wayne Cancer Institute. We are making appointments to see Dr. Dennis Slamon (oncologist) and Dr. Philomena McAndrew (oncologist). We've also got referrals for Dr. John Link (oncologist but works in Orange County); and two more at the Angeles Clinic in addition to Dr. Melani Shaum who was the first oncologist we met with - Dr. Cathie Chung (formerly at City of Hope) and Dr. Silvana Martino (however, mixed reviews). I also have referrals for plastic surgeons as well which will be helpful if I need to go that route. The unknown is the biggest issue right now.
Watching mad men. I really, really dislike Betty Draper. Her new husband is a douche too. I don't know why they annoy me so much. And holy cow, Joan has a big stick up her butt too. What's going on this season. I'm mixed. I'm also distracted too...still it's one of the better shows on TV.
Talked to Sharon today who is like an Angel from Heaven. She is a breast cancer survivor and was treated while pregnant with her second son. She is a hero. She makes me happy and feel so hopeful. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better and I'm positive I'm going to heavily rely on her through this. Poor girl!!
Talked to Sandy today too, who was incredibly helpful and my friend Karen, whom I love dearly. I'm finding it hard to reach out to some of my best friends though, which is stupid. I just feel like I've already taxed so many people when Ben passed away. I feel that I've already had a tragedy where people bring you food and take care of you and look after you. Now to have to ask again just makes me so sad and angry. I love them and I know they love me but I wish I could be the friend that has great things happen to them and gets to revel with them in delight. I know, I know...
I've been having all these weird funny thoughts and wanted to post them but major pregnancy brain. I've forgotten them all now plus I'm so tired. Bleh. Maybe I'll remember them tomorrow.
Oh, also a shout out to my gorgeous, talented, eloquent, most fabulous sister whom I love more than I can say for being here for me Saturday. I love you.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Cancer fighting foods
Cancer fighting foods to incorporate into my diet. Apparently the goal is to reduce estrogen in the body. Not sure how that links to pregnancy and hormones though.
- Three cups of green tea a day can prevent breast cancer by as much as 50% because of its high EGCG antioxidant content. Squeeze a little lemon into your cup and increase the antioxidant power of your tea.
- Garlic is a good immunity booster that also has anti-inflammatory properties.
- Olive oil, borage oils and flaxseed oil contain monounsaturated fat, which can help suppress breast cancer.
- Turmeric helps decrease estrogen. As little as one teaspoon a day has been shown to reduce tumor growth. Get your daily dose by mixing it into salad dressings, rice or vegetable dishes.
- Cruciferous vegetables, such as kale, bok choy and Swiss chard bind estrogen in your GI tract and reduce tumor stimulation. They also detoxify the liver, which helps reduce the toxins flowing through your body that can irritate cells and turn them into early cancers.
- Seaweed/Kelp are high in iodine, this is another estrogen reducer.
- A daily supplement of Vitamin D (2000 IU) can prevent tumor metastasis, reduce cancer cells and aid estrogen inhibitors. Calcium-rich foods, such as sardines, salmon, milk and cheese are also highly recommended. Or, 15-20 minutes of sunshine every day can help you in getting your daily dose of Vitamin D. All of these combined can decrease your breast cancer risk by up to 50%.
- Studies show that inflammation plays a role in causing malignancies in several different organs, including the breast. Taking two Aspirin or Ibuprofen a week can reduce your chances of breast cancer by 21% to 28%. The anti-inflammatory properties in these drugs are also excellent for heart and colon health.
More research
Need help with the following research:
1) Doctors - oncologists, breast surgeons, pathologists.
2) Treatment - conservative vs. alternative
- Proton therapy at Loma Linda University (only prostate, lung and brain?)
3) Supplemental - Nutrition, accupuncture, therapy
OY. Watching the stand up to cancer benefit one day late. It is inspirational. But boy did I cry the first 10 minutes. Pity party. Ugh.
1) Doctors - oncologists, breast surgeons, pathologists.
2) Treatment - conservative vs. alternative
- Proton therapy at Loma Linda University (only prostate, lung and brain?)
3) Supplemental - Nutrition, accupuncture, therapy
OY. Watching the stand up to cancer benefit one day late. It is inspirational. But boy did I cry the first 10 minutes. Pity party. Ugh.
This is all starting to sink in...
David finally called me and I can barely speak. "I have breast cancer" I squeak to him through my sobs. My heart drops when I tell him. After all we've been through in the last few years. Another obstacle for us to overcome. "I'll be right there" he shouts into the phone. Thankfully Abby is still sleeping. I have some time to cry this out. I just keep thinking, WHY? HOW? This must have something to do with the fertility drugs. I just can't make sense of it any other way. Does the universe hate me for some reason? What the fuck did I do to cause this? Now I know through all my therapy after Ben died that asking what I did to cause this is not helpful but I ask it anyway. But seriously!!! My twin son died after being able to hold his precious soul for two months. Isn't that enough of a sacrifice in this lifetime? I am seriously getting pissed. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Jessica. You can deal with this. Well you know what? I am going to figure this out and beat this cancer. But please, please let it be curable and workable. I just want to have this baby and be a mother to these unbelievable kids. I think about how much I love Abby and her little gorgeous face. I fall apart again. I have to be strong for her. And I have to be strong for little peanut.
Abby calls me on the monitor. "Mommmmmaaaaa" in her italian accent. She's up from her nap. In this moment I am thankful to be a mother. I am thankful to be a wife. I am thankful to be alive and will do whatever I have to do to be a wife and mother for many years to come. I look around the bedroom and throw out all the candy stash (including David's). I go downstairs and start throwing away all the sweets too. That was my gut reaction.
Research time. Strategic planning. SWOT analysis. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about!
I immediately find this article on the internet and I am starting to feel hopeful. With Cancer, With Child This article from the New York Times is well-written and well-researched.
But for all the good you read, there is also the bad. I'm going to stay positive but it would really help if I had more answers. I still have no idea how bad this cancer is and until they operate they won't be able to confirm the stage.
Friday we meet my ob/gyn Dr. Daly in Santa Monica so she can feel the tumor and check out the baby's vitals. Peanut is doing just fine. I'm 24.5 weeks now and he kicks me all day long. Yep Lindsey, he kicks me square in the taco. Is that the correct use of the term? Ha ha.
We meet with Dr. Melani Shaum at the Angeles Clinic. I immediately don't like the office. There's a huge bowl of candy at reception and the front desk has music playing to loudly for my taste. I tell David to start emailing our friends to see who has oncologist referrals so I can make appointment ASAP. He tells me to calm down and let's meet the doctor first. Wise man (but he still sends out the emails per my request...). Dr. Shaum is extremely knowledgable and makes me feel at ease. She's answering all my questions and informs us that based on her reading of the report, the ultrasound and her physical exam that my cancer is most likely Stage II (not sure if it is IIA or IIB which depends on whether or not it has spread to my lymph nodes). She does note that there is one lymph node that is enlarged without any fat present (which is abnormal) but since it was not mishapen it may not actually have cancer. She had me at Stage II. I am clinging to those words. She says I will most likely have a lumpectomy within the next 1-2 weeks; then 4 weeks post-surgery would start chemotherapy. No discussion of radiation (thankfully). Dr. Shaum wants to do a chest MRI but calls Dr. Daly to confirm. Dr. Daly calls Dr. Agnew, the perinatologist who says "unless it is an absolute necessity, NO"...since they don't like the contrast dye.
I have an appointment to meet with the breast surgeon, Dr. Alice Chung at the John Wayne Cancer Institute on Tuesday morning.
Abby calls me on the monitor. "Mommmmmaaaaa" in her italian accent. She's up from her nap. In this moment I am thankful to be a mother. I am thankful to be a wife. I am thankful to be alive and will do whatever I have to do to be a wife and mother for many years to come. I look around the bedroom and throw out all the candy stash (including David's). I go downstairs and start throwing away all the sweets too. That was my gut reaction.
Research time. Strategic planning. SWOT analysis. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about!
I immediately find this article on the internet and I am starting to feel hopeful. With Cancer, With Child This article from the New York Times is well-written and well-researched.
But for all the good you read, there is also the bad. I'm going to stay positive but it would really help if I had more answers. I still have no idea how bad this cancer is and until they operate they won't be able to confirm the stage.
Friday we meet my ob/gyn Dr. Daly in Santa Monica so she can feel the tumor and check out the baby's vitals. Peanut is doing just fine. I'm 24.5 weeks now and he kicks me all day long. Yep Lindsey, he kicks me square in the taco. Is that the correct use of the term? Ha ha.
We meet with Dr. Melani Shaum at the Angeles Clinic. I immediately don't like the office. There's a huge bowl of candy at reception and the front desk has music playing to loudly for my taste. I tell David to start emailing our friends to see who has oncologist referrals so I can make appointment ASAP. He tells me to calm down and let's meet the doctor first. Wise man (but he still sends out the emails per my request...). Dr. Shaum is extremely knowledgable and makes me feel at ease. She's answering all my questions and informs us that based on her reading of the report, the ultrasound and her physical exam that my cancer is most likely Stage II (not sure if it is IIA or IIB which depends on whether or not it has spread to my lymph nodes). She does note that there is one lymph node that is enlarged without any fat present (which is abnormal) but since it was not mishapen it may not actually have cancer. She had me at Stage II. I am clinging to those words. She says I will most likely have a lumpectomy within the next 1-2 weeks; then 4 weeks post-surgery would start chemotherapy. No discussion of radiation (thankfully). Dr. Shaum wants to do a chest MRI but calls Dr. Daly to confirm. Dr. Daly calls Dr. Agnew, the perinatologist who says "unless it is an absolute necessity, NO"...since they don't like the contrast dye.
I have an appointment to meet with the breast surgeon, Dr. Alice Chung at the John Wayne Cancer Institute on Tuesday morning.
I'm pregnant and I have cancer
On our family vacation in Hawaii I noticed a large lump in my left breast. I figured it was a blocked milk duct that occured since I got pregnant while still breastfeeding little Miss Abby. A few days later I saw the ob/gyn and she said I needed a breast ultrasound. Fast forward a week and I'm getting the ultrasound and the tech saws "hmmm...I'm going to get the doctor". That made me feel real good. Pathologist comes in and says he wants to take a biopsy of the solid mass. These words mean nothing to me then but now that I've read up on cancer the word mass and solid shouldn't go together.
Next day while napping with Abby, phone rings and it's an oncologist's office calling to make my appointment. I'm naturally confused. I haven't even heard from my doctor yet I tell the receptionist, why do I need to see an oncologist? Five minutes later Dr. Daly calls me and says I have your results and you have breast cancer. I'm still sleepy. What??!?! "Oh, do I need to redo the test?" "No...you need to come see me tomorrow and I've already made an appointment for you to meet an oncologist." I swear to God that I am dreaming. This is just some horrible nightmare. Are they sure? What does this mean? How bad is it? I'm still in a foggy daze but she tells me something about the cancer being not too aggressive, moderately differentiated, but I'll need surgery right away and then chemotherapy. Yes, while pregnant. That sank in. I start balling up in tears and can't catch my breath. I don't have anyone in my family with breast cancer. I'm in good health. I take care of myself. I breastfed my daughter for 17 months. I'm pregnant right now. What the fuck? I hang up with the doctor since I can't make sense. I speed dial David at the office. NO answer. I speed dial his cell phone. NO answer. I speed dial my mom's cell phone while texting my husband to call me -- URGENT. NO answer. I speed dial my sister's cell phone. NO answer. This makes sense now, I must be stuck in some kind of nightmare because I can't get ahold of anyone I want to talk to. I pinch myself. No such luck. I am a puddle of tears. And hyperventilating. And wailing. No fucking way.
Next day while napping with Abby, phone rings and it's an oncologist's office calling to make my appointment. I'm naturally confused. I haven't even heard from my doctor yet I tell the receptionist, why do I need to see an oncologist? Five minutes later Dr. Daly calls me and says I have your results and you have breast cancer. I'm still sleepy. What??!?! "Oh, do I need to redo the test?" "No...you need to come see me tomorrow and I've already made an appointment for you to meet an oncologist." I swear to God that I am dreaming. This is just some horrible nightmare. Are they sure? What does this mean? How bad is it? I'm still in a foggy daze but she tells me something about the cancer being not too aggressive, moderately differentiated, but I'll need surgery right away and then chemotherapy. Yes, while pregnant. That sank in. I start balling up in tears and can't catch my breath. I don't have anyone in my family with breast cancer. I'm in good health. I take care of myself. I breastfed my daughter for 17 months. I'm pregnant right now. What the fuck? I hang up with the doctor since I can't make sense. I speed dial David at the office. NO answer. I speed dial his cell phone. NO answer. I speed dial my mom's cell phone while texting my husband to call me -- URGENT. NO answer. I speed dial my sister's cell phone. NO answer. This makes sense now, I must be stuck in some kind of nightmare because I can't get ahold of anyone I want to talk to. I pinch myself. No such luck. I am a puddle of tears. And hyperventilating. And wailing. No fucking way.
I have breast cancer?
I'm 34 and six months pregnant. I'm not supposed to find out that I have breast cancer. Right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)