Strong Enough

Hello people.  It is hard to get a few moments to type out this blog.  If I'm not with either one of the kids I really should be resting or tending to my health (which means doctor appointments, exercise, and/or research).  I find I have little to no time to myself.  Now David thinks this is nuts. I mean how can we have two nannies, relatives and a night nurse and not have enough time for me to do things for myself?  In a way he's right but it's all about how I prioritize things.  Right now I'm not comfortable leaving the two kids with any one person at a time (including myself, I panic when I know I have those moments where it is just me and Abby and Leo!).  This morning that happened briefly and I was holding Leo while Abby was screaming "Up, up, up" and so I was walking around holding both of them in my arms.  Talk about a work out.  At some point I am just going to have to give up and let either one of them cry a little more than usual.  This is hard for me to do since I am already feeling guilty about not being with them enough.

Having two kids is harder than you think.  It's harder physically, mentally and emotionally.  I thought, "Oh, the baby just needs to have his needs met and anyone can lovingly do that" so I'll just spend more time with Abby who is the one that needs the attention more.  Ha ha.  Easier said than done.  For one, I want to bond with Leo.  The breastfeeding is done now so I don't have that connection with him anymore.  I do want to make sure he still knows who I am.  He's getting so big so fast and I don't feel like I have the time to enjoy him.  Second, Abby is a handful and a half.  I really love her but oh boy, is she tiring.  Exhausting almost.  She's a tyrant.  I'm constantly negotiating with her and she is an avid learner of pushing my buttons.  She tries to push mommy's buttons more than anyone else too which makes it even more challenging.  Now all this is just amplified since she's been sick.  But even though she acts like a crazed baboon sometimes she has these tender moments.  If I haven't seen her from being out she runs up to me with the biggest smile on her face so full of glee.  Irreplaceable!  She'll look at me and give me the sweetest smile and say "Hiiiiii Mommaaaaaa" and just cuddle with me.  She'll caress my face and try to look "deep" into my eyes and tells me she loves me.  Is there anything better?

Abby started out last week with a urinary tract infection.  But the same day her body was dealing with that (unbeknownst to me) and her immune system was down she happened to go to a toddler group (Monday while I was at Chemo) and was exposed to a bug.  There is some horrible chest cold that is rampant in Los Angeles right now. Most people have it, are getting over it or are coming down with it to varying degrees.  I always find it odd that it will be 80 degrees out but winter colds still abound!

Anyway, Abby being sick caused quite the disaster in the peace around the house department.  She can't go to any of her classes (because unlike other parents I know I won't take my kid to school when she still has the sniffles even if it has been a few days, no fever and she's on antibiotics).  When Abby is sick the rules are thrown out the window for the most part until she gets better.  Unfortunately, that has given her license to explore her power.  Her use of the word "NO!" has expanded dramatically over the past week. She's getting really VERY good at using the word. No to this. No to that. No to everything. No to everyone. If it wasn't so painful it would be comical!  (I do have to stop myself from laughing at her most of the time since I don't want to encourage her but she's downright hilarious).

Then there's the whole sleep issue when your kid is sick. Up at random times in the night. Needing to be held. Not wanting to go to sleep PERIOD since she is congested. You get the idea.  And because she's sick we give in to her whims and demands. Thankfully David and I take turns on who gets up with her. I can't wait until she is well again to restore some order in the paradigm.  I mean, she thinks she is in complete control right now.  Uh huh.  She'll have a rude awakening in a few days when she's all done with her antibiotics.  It's already been a week and she's better for the most part but I still want to wait a few days before she mingles back into society and we shackle her back down...

Oh wait, so anyway, isn't this a blog about cancer?  What does all that have to do with cancer? Nothing at all really except to say that I have my hands full and that doesn't leave much room to deal with the side  effects of my Chemo.  Last week I noticed that I had energy right after my infusion.  I surmised that it was because I was just so happy to have it over and not have an immediate reaction.  Same thing this week but now I think it is because of the steroids they give me.  I have some energy but it fizzles out by day 3 and then I'm kind of a mess.  My stomach is a mess too.  All of this is pretty tolerable though for the most part.  But I am very scared and very anxious about how I'll do with these drugs as they accumulate in my system over the next few months.  Two down and ten more to go.

This Monday after I got home from Chemo Abby had just woken up from her nap. Ashley and I ate our lunch with Abby sitting on my lap and we started talking about the thing that was troubling me the most... Somber tone here.  From last week to this week I gained 5 pounds.  GAINED. FIVE. POUNDS. How is that even possible?  From my tummy issues I haven't even been eating and I even worked out last week doing pilates and walking.  To steal a line from my mentor Sharon, how completely rude! Let's just add insult to injury shall we?  So I started trying to figure out how I could've gained weight and the only answer for me was the stupid steroids. Seriously?!?!?!  What the hell.

Ashley and I started looking for fun workouts to do.  I've looked up yoga schedules, dance class schedules, zumba, tracy anderson method, and I even bought a work out tape for Abby and I called "get fit together"... Ashley was telling me all about Tracey Anderson method and so we checked out some videos on youtube.  For the next hour we tried to do the videos with Abby, we even tried the treadmill workouts upstairs in the gym.  We looked like complete loons.  But we felt so energized afterwards.  It just made me wonder if maybe it could be possible to "power" through the Chemo and not just meditate.  I know there is a portion of this disease that is telling me to calm down but there is also a part of this disease that makes me want to celebrate life and be liberated. I want to do some type of fun workout where I can move throughout the space and just feel free.  Loosen things up a bit, you know?  I don't want to do something so controlled right now. Maybe yoga will be something I do after Chemo?  Or maybe I can do both.  I'm just thinking out loud for a moment.

Excuse me, I just turned on the news since I wanted to check in on the situation in Egypt and saw Nancy Grace explaining about a young mother who killed her 14 week old baby because the child was interrupting her farmville time on facebook. WTF!?!?!  Hearing about this kind of thing makes me so angry. Such ignorance.  Especially at a time when the two year anniversary of Ben's death is coming up.  I can't stop thinking about it. Leo's almost 2 months old already.  Ben was only two months old when he passed away.  So fucking unfair.  It just can't happen again.  I have to believe that.  Leo's been gaining weight like a champ and looking so great.  But so did Ben right before he passed away.  I *hate* that I think this way sometimes but it's part of my history.  It's hard for me to look at Leo and not see Ben and wonder what if?  I have to push those thoughts out of my head but they are still there haunting me.  The next few weeks will be difficult I think.  I want to get through Valentine's day. No, I want to get through to Leo's first birthday and him be fine and me be done fighting breast cancer.  We can both be healthy.  That will be my new visualization.