Are Ya Kidding Me?!?!?

Well, yesterday at 8Am Leo started to have a coughing attack and it made me very uneasy.  I sat with him in the steam shower again and even though it seemed to help his breathing was still labored.  Our amazing night nurse Brandi had told me the only time I need to worry is when his breathing seems hard. I put my ear to his chest and listened to his breathing and there was wheezing.  I sat with him in the shower some more while speed dialing and emailing Dr. Gordon.  This is why I like having a subscription to Dr. Gordon. Cell phone and immediate access.  Leo went to sleep and the timing was perfect for him to sleep then go in the office and see Dr. Jody Lappin (Dr. Gordon offered a house call but I couldn't wait).  By 10AM I was in the office, Leo had an oxygen mask with albuterol for a breathing treatment and they were checking his oxygenation.  Flash forward to two hours later and Leo is checked into Santa Monica UCLA hospital for the virus RSV.  What was to us a bad cold became dangerous for our little two month old.  Now believe me the irony of being in the hospital with our 2 month old son on the evening where two years ago in this same fucking hospital we lost our first 2 month old son is not lost on me.  However, once I took a few deep breaths I realized that this is the best place for us to be. 1) He is getting the best round the clock care he can get and 2) I am way less worried being here than if I were at home reaching the 2 month milestone with Leo on the eve of the second anniversary of Ben's death.  Too many things to deal with mentally.

It's not fun explaining our story.  Oh yeah, our two month old is sick and oh yeah, he's on donor milk because I have breast cancer and oh yeah, I'm freaking out about the timing of this whole situation because of SIDS and the two month mark and this hospital and on and on.  I am seriously surprised that the doctors haven't had me committed for having something like munchausen syndrome.  But I guess it's not like I can fake a tumor or the fact that our first born son died of SIDS on his two month birthday. Nope, can't fake any of that.  Just horrible, rotten luck.  Terrible luck actually.

Can anyone tell me more about Chinese New Year?  I know we are entering the Year of the Rabbit, a luck year? And we are ending the Year of the Tiger, right?   What does this mean?

I did not sleep at all last night. Well, it was kind of like an hour here, two hours there, that sort of thing.  I don't feel sorry for myself. I am upset that I had to leave Abby without telling her the plan. I had no idea I was going to the hospital. I had faith that I was just going to get Leo "checked out" then they would send me home and say to just let the cold take its course. As you know that didn't happen so I have not seen Abby since yesterday morning.

I had just talked to Miss Eva at Wilshire Boulevard about this exact issue.  I had to use the restroom Friday and they insisted that I tell Abby that I have to use the restroom and would be right back (I usually try to sneak in and out...bad mommy).  But here's the reason why. If for some reason I snuck out and she figured it out and was looking for me then the trust is broken.  The trust of her teachers or whomever she was left with and her trust of me.  I never really understood that so well until Friday.  And then here I go breaking that trust with her.  I made the mistake of calling home this morning and David told her it was Mommy and she was screaming and crying for me.  I'm so torn. Ugh, ugh, ugh.  I want to be with my daughter and I want to be here with my son.  Can't do both now can I?  Thankfully, the awesome nurse Maureen is back today with him so I don't feel as uneasy about leaving but I am also having my mom come to relieve me.  I am having my mom come here to the hospital WITH Abby so she can understand the situation. My mom was also one of the people who was adamant that I tell Abby when I am coming and going instead of sneaking out but I never listened (see...listen to your mother people)... So at some point last night or this morning my mom told Abby that Leo is very sick and went to the hospital and Mommy had to go with him.  Now my mom can bring her here so she can see the hospital and see that Leo is sick and Mommy is here.  Then I will leave with Abby to go have lunch and put her down for her nap and I can take a nap too.  Hope it works.  She'll be here in half an hour...

People are really wonderful and surprising.  Dr. Jody was so warm and reassuring with Leo to really ease my fears.  I heart Dr. Gordon and his practice.  They are the best.  Anyway, she didn't want me to tell anyone but when Dr. Jody came by the hospital yesterday afternoon she knew that I didn't have anymore breast milk than the bottle I had with me....so she pumped and gave me 8 ounces of fresh breast milk for Leo (she has 2.5 year old twins and a 5 month old at home).  We heart her so much.  Talk about antibodies. She's a pediatrician for goodness sake and is constantly around RSV and other germs.  It worked out perfectly until David could go back home and get more milk.  AND because he was better after the oxygen and albuterol treatment he was able to drink the milk and really calmed down and seemed 110% better so they decided not to poke him and give him an IV and fluids. Yeah!  Some light to a dark day.  He actually smiled and was very alert after a few days of being a bit out of it. Woo hoo!

Anyway, it's February 13th so I want to recognize this day in honor of Bennett.  Ben, my handsome, beautiful boy. I love you so much and I wish you were here with us and your sister causing trouble at home and being a handful just like her. You should be here bossing me around just like her. I know you were such a strong boy but you weren't able to stay with us.  We love you and miss you more than words can adequately say.  I know that your spirit lives on through us and within your sister.  Someday we will see you again. Until then know that I love you and I can't wait to hold you again.