Uggghhhhh

So much for my powering through things.  My white blood cell count was the lowest it ever has been and my platelets were also the lowest they've ever been.  They wouldn't give me the treatment today.... BUT...it has nothing to do with my activity levels, diet or anything else I can control. It's the Chemo.  Dr. McAndrew said the only way to repair the damage is to remove the Chemo. For now, I just keep doing what I am doing and let my bone marrow repair the damage that has been done.  Next week, I will go in for another blood draw and if my numbers are back up they will give me the infusion EXCEPT this time I will be going to a different infusion calculation since my body is not handling this course of treatment well enough.  Dr. McAndrew feels that I should go to the every three week infusions instead. As a result I will also benefit from being able to get the "shot" of Neulasta which I am not eligible for on the weekly infusion schedule...  Below are my blood counts. To be discussed...

			No Chemo	After Birth	First	Second	Third	“NO”	Fourth	“NO”
Name	Test	Range	9/15/2010	12/01/10	01/24/11	01/31/11	02/07/11	02/14/11	02/21/11	02/28/11
White Blood Count	WBC	4.8 - 10.8	9.1	3.5	4.0	3.8	3.7	2.9	3.0	2.2
Red Blood Count	RBC	4.20 - 5.40	3.65	3.17	3.42	3.16	3.27	3.17	3.28	3.12
Hemoglobin	HGB	12.0 - 16.0	12.0	10.9	11.4	10.6	10.8	10.6	11.2	10.6
Hematocrit	HCT	37.0 - 47.0	36.9	31.7	33.9	31.2	31.9	31.1	32.4	30.4
Mean Corpuscular Hemoglobin	MCH	27.0 - 31.0	33.0	34.5	33.3	33.5	33.0	33.4	34.1	34.0
Platelets	PLT	130 - 400	238	240	178	221	238	198	142	80
Neutrophils (1.5 cut off)	NE#	2.0 - 6.9	7.2	3.1	2.68	2.53	2.31	1.44	1.63	0.84
Lymphocytes	LYM#	0.9 - 4.9	1.5	0.5	1.0	1.1	1.1	1.2	1.0	1.2

Yo Adrian!! I did it!

Cue - Rocky Theme Song here....Remember how I had said in an older post that I wanted to try to power through this treatment and period in my life?  Well in some ways that is holding true.  I'm like freaking Rocky Balboa.  I am making myself feel better.  OK, my last post was soooooo Debbie Downer. I am not a downer personality generally but I do have some moments. Anyway, today was a good day.  Things are looking better and I am feeling better since my last post.

Friday I took Abby to her class at Wilshire Boulevard and she had a great time. Somehow I managed to avoid her eating cupcakes. Amaaaaazing. She had some challah and then wanted to leave the table to go play and by doing so left before the dreaded cupcakes arrived. Miracle.  I do not understand how parents use any little excuse to give their toddlers sugar like that, it was the end of the "session" but adult sized cupcakes aren't the best way to say "party" in my opinion. At least make them the little mini cupcakes.  Everything we eat in America is already oversized so I can't even imagine the actual grams of sugar in one of the larger size frosted cupcakes that these little pint sized toddlers were eating in class. Yikes!!  Thankfully Abby is a great eater. Today she was munching on broccoli, grilled chicken, and sweet potato fries like candy with a side of sunomono cucumber salad.  Then I was cleaning up some sunflower sprouts I got from the farmer's market and she was munching on those. Love that girl!    The only huge question I have though is even though she doesn't have too much sugar she is still bouncing off the walls. What a handful. She's like a bunny rabbit.  Hop hop hop all day long!

After class we came home and took a nap.  I took a two hour nap.  It was great.  I did not get to exercise Friday but that nap was delicious and well deserved.  So on to today....I woke up at 6am and then Abby was up at 6:30.  Two days ago when I got home from Ballet I asked Abby where she wanted to go to lunch and she screams "Nate n Al's"!!  Clear as a bell.  Nate N Al's and "bagel"!!!  Too funny.  I told her I wasn't going to drive all the way to Beverly Hills at lunch time.  So this morning I was determined to take her to Nate N Al's.  We got ready in a flash...this was also Leo's first trip to Nate N Al's.  David had an 8:30AM call in the office so we took separate cars then sped over there to see Glo-glo (our waitress Gloria).  It worked out nicely.  Leo was fine in the car until the last 2 minutes before I parked. Great timing.  Then the car seat fit nicely into the booth. I was eating my egg white veggie scramble and latke with one hand while feeding Leo the bottle with the other. David was managing hand to hand combat with Abby.  Then we scooted out of there in no time flat. David went to the office and I went home, handed the baby to Aggie and then took Abby to dance class.

After dance class we went to Susie's house to drop off some goodies then we had lunch at Cafe Vida where David joined us.  Then another two hour nap for moi. Yummy.  Then I got to go for a run solo!  No taking the dogs or taking Abby in the stroller. It felt so weird.  I got to use my ipod. Yeaaahhhh! I ran around BCC like Rocky Balboa.  I was on fire. I felt like I was running 50 miles an hour and was full of fire in my belly.  Here's my playlist - Daft Punk's - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger; Grandmaster Flash - White Lines; Public Domain - Operation Blade; Trans X - Living on Video; Scooter - Move Your Ass; Fatboy Slim - Love Island; Paul Johnson - Get Get Down.  Some oldies and goodies. Hard care shake your ass music. Felt really good.  I ran BCC in 20 minutes so David said I was doing 9 minute miles which is really good for bald, fat and crazy me.  Yo Adrian, I did it!!!!

There may be something to this "powering through" idea I have but I don't want to jinx anything.  I'm still taking things one day at a time.  XOXO

Let the games begin...

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. This round of Chemo knocked me out. I could tell a difference immediately when I got home from Chemo Monday afternoon and I didn't want to go for a hike or handle hand to hand combat with Abby.  I just wanted to lay in bed.  Plus with the timing of Chemo on Mondays I generally don't get to take a nap.  When I get home Abby is just waking up from her nap...so no rest for the weary.

In general I just feel worn out. My left leg has been bothering me again.  It's like an achy dull pain that travels up my leg but it is concentrated in my left ankle.  I am still able to do everything is primarily hurts most at night when I'm trying to go to sleep.  Annoying!

Despite how I feel I am still making myself exercise.  I went to acupuncture and had the tuina massage on Tuesday then went directly to ballet.  Wednesday I headed to pilates. Thursday, I was really dragging but took my big butt over to ballet anyway.  I'm glad I did.  Yes, I am still the fattest, baldest, least coordinated woman there but I really enjoy it.  Leave it to getting cancer to make you do the things you'd wish you'd done long ago.  Life is short so start living your life today! 

I went yesterday to Shelly's to get some gear. A black leotard, convertible tights, and a skirt (a non-sheer thank you very much). I wanted something thick to cover the rear.  Today I will try to get out to do some kind of jog or hike with Abby (although this may prove difficult given the weather today).  Maybe I'll try the Tracy Anderson post-partum workout or just USE the amazing yet rarely touched treadmill we have in the gym...

After my workouts I make sure to rest or get a nap in.  I really try to sleep. I really do. Sometimes it just doesn't work out though. I am doing my best to "protect" my nap times. I do have a hard time balancing my time still between the kids (it's usually one or the other, if I get a break from Abby then I literally sneak upstairs to be with Leo), exercising, eating or napping. Then there is still the bill paying and errands.  It doesn't sound like much but my whole day is occupied.  I had to specifically carve out time to write a condolence card to Dr. McAndrew. That was very important and it took some time since I wanted to include the prayers that Rabbi Kirschner had shared with us when Ben died. I found them very comforting and I hope she does too. 

After Pilates Wednesday I went over to David's barber Miguel and he cleaned up the back of my neck to make it look more like a hair cut (not just growth from being bald)!

I ordered the new blackberry torch so I could retire my curve 8310. David said the guys in the store would laugh at me for having such an old device.  That's why I ordered it over the phone instead. Plus I have a special unlimited data plan that they don't offer anymore so I wasn't going to take a chance that they screw me over with a different plan for more money and less data! So far I am loving it.

I scheduled my first plastic surgeon consultation.  The first doctor I am seeing is Dr. Jay Orringer. By chance I am familiar with his office since he shares the penthouse floor with my dentist, Dr. Knopf.  At least I won't get lost.  I have so many questions that I have to start getting answers for.  1) Lumpectomy...and then what? 2) Reduction and Lift? This allows me to keep my own breast tissue and nipples. And if I do that procedure, how long will that last? Will I be wishing I had a double masectomy 25 years from now? Surgical details? Recovery time? Do I have this done at time of Lumpectomy or wait?  Dr. McAndrew said that if I have the reduction and lift before radition she said I may have to have a revision due to tissue shrinkage from the radiated breast...so should I just wait to have any additional surgeries until after radiation?  If so, will I have a big hole in my breast where the tissue from the lumpectomy was removed? Can I cover that with a "chicken cutlet" (all you B cuppers and under will know what I am talking about!) OR 3) Double Masectomy? Possibility of nipple sparing masectomy?  Surgical details and extended recovery time?  Type of reconstruction? There are several options to reconstruction that I just don't understand at the moment. Reconstruction with or without implants? Use my own tissue? That sounds promising.  I also need to get a mommy tuck anyway so maybe I can just have a whole team of plastic surgeons come in and have a field day putting me back together.  My stomach is fine muscle-wise after the twins so I don't need a full tummy tuck but there's some extra skin that needs to disappear.  I know that any of these surgeries will require serious recovery.  Not so fun with two little munchkins.  Anyway, my appointment is next Wednesday afternoon. 

Time to go get ready for WBT with Abby so she can see Miss Eeevvvaaaah!

And now for another installment of...

the breast cancer lady.  That is a direct rip off one of my favorite stories - The Laughing Man in the book Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger.  It's a good one.

I am sitting at Tower Oncology and my counts are good.  I'm almost done with my taxol and now my favorite nurse Pia is giving me the Carboplatin (30 minutes more max she is promising me until I am done).  I am so sad because after I saw Dr. McAndrew on Monday she got a call that her 47 year old brother passed away and she flew home to her family back east.  Her brother was the primary caretaker of their mother and two days after he passed away their mother passed away. I don't have any of the details but what terrible news. What a travesty. I am in disbelief.  How horrible to have to lose two close family members in one week. I can't even imagine. My prayers are with her family.

This morning my friend the "New" Vizhier picked me up.  I say new because she got a new sassy haircut with thick carpet bangs.  Hot!  And now Kristen is here to pick me up.  Kristen is a hot blond with amazing style.  And then here I am...gosh, I hate feeling like the ugly duckling.  But I digress, I lost the two pounds I gained from last week.  Although to be very honest I'm not too worried about the weight.  I think since I am working out I am also putting on muscle mass which I am positive I lost while pregnant and not working out.  What's the saying? Nine months up and nine months down to lose the baby weight?  Sounds realistic to me.  For now I'm just trying to get fit slowly and enjoy myself doing it. Hence the odd ballet classes and random exploration of different exercise options. Tai Chi anyone?  I'm looking forward to my acupuncture and tuina session tomorrow with Dr. Kumiko and then ballet class afterwards.  Then lunch with Abby and naptime.

I asked Pia about the steroids. She said that they would make me hyper and that they last for 2 days max. Well, now I know the truth.  I asked if maybe I should do a little less?  She said that I am already getting the lowest dose.  I am just very sensitive to the stuff apparently.  'Roids, man!!  LOL.

And now for...

Something completely different...things seem to be getting back to "normal" again.  I say "normal" in quotes because I feel we have this new level of "normal" around here that is NOT in any way normal.  I mean here I am hoping that my blood counts will be good so that I can get Chemo.  Ugh, why do I want to have this stuff pumped into my veins?  Because I want to get better, that's why.  That's what I keep telling myself.  It's why even though I am tired I have exercised AND napped almost every day this week.  I didn't Friday but it was because I didn't have time for a nap and knew I shouldn't press my luck by trying to exercise that day as well.  We'll see what the analysis says tomorrow.  I'm pretty sure it will be all systems go since I'm feeling pretty good.

Leo is doing SOOOOO much better.   His appetite has returned. I've only had to suction his nose a few times, not every feeding like I was before.  Tammy at Dr. Gordon's office gave me a "nosefrida" to suction his nose.  I kid you not, it is marketed as "the nosefrida. the snot sucker." and it really, truly works.  It isn't invasive like the bulb syringes they give you in the hospital and it is powerful since you control the amount of suction.  I get a little winded doing it but Leo doesn't seem to actually mind it. A little saline then suction and voila! Tons of snot. The bulb syringe would make him scream. This one doesn't.  It is much less scary and effective.  Kudos to the Swedes for inventing and marketing such a wonderful tool.  Every mom should have one! I probably sound like a commercial but I am being completely honest here...now go get one.

Abby is also doing better.  She was healthy then went to a class and the next day had a runny nose.  Dr. Gordon said that the thing with RSV is that the symptoms take a long time to go away.  He likened it to a healing scab, sometimes it flakes off and a new scab has to form.  This week it's been green boogars and an on and off runny nose.  I would like us all to get better now please!!  Dr. Gordon has limited all of our social activity.  We can't be around anyone who is remotely sick and we can't take Leo anywhere at all.

I haven't had much time to do things for myself since I either want to be with Abby or Leo or both (or napping or exercising) but I happened to watch the Dr. Oz on Autism.  Now Dr. Oz is supposed to be so insightful and helpful and I am now even more confused about the disorder.  The one thing I will say about it is that the likelihood of having a child with autism increases for woman who get pregnant at age 35 and older.  They also mentioned that women over 35 increasingly have to use fertility drugs to get pregnant.  The same statistics are also true for SIDS cases. Now, I wouldn't take back anything I did to get pregnant with the twins but I have these horrible mixed emotions when it comes to fertility drugs.  It is a huge industry and it helps many families but I think no real studies will be done on the links to SIDS, Autism and the like because no one wants to go there.  Just a random thought I had (which I'm sure won't be too popular when I ask my doctors about it)...

Did I tell you all that Leo is 12 pounds already?  He is so precious.  Cooing up a storm and smiling.  He loves his momma too even though I probably get to spend a 1/4 of my time with him.  Abby will not let me out of her sight so I spend most of my time with her.

Thursday we couldn't go to Miss Nancy's class (sad emoticon) so Agnes took her to the park and I went to my adult ballet class.  Ballet class was great.  There was a 60+ year old woman there who was the epitome of grace.  Beautiful, tall, slender, and clearly a former dancer.  Not only was she decked in gorgeous dance gear she was also in pointe shoes.  Crazy. No, insane! I tried so hard not to stare but I was just in awe of her.  Clearly, I was still the baldest, fattest, least coordinated woman in class but I still don't care.  It was a great class (and oh, by the way, my inner thighs were so sore from battement tendu and changement (don't worry, I had to look up the terms) that I almost couldn't walk Friday, hmmmm, maybe another reason I didn't exercise that day) and afterwards I met Abby and Agnes at the Park.  She was so excited to see me that she was crying and screaming.  Yikes. Then I had to calm her down and try to get her to sit in the car seat. Aggie and I did the "oh, the police officer is going to come and give mommy a ticket...is he coming?" and that worked. We went to California Chicken Cafe for lunch and after we ordered a Santa Monica police officer walked in and was waiting in line to order.  I asked Abby if she wanted to say hello to the police officer and she was super excited.  He was super nice. I told him that I was just telling Abby that she has to sit in the car seat in the car because it is the law and he kneeled down and told her "you have to sit in your car seat because it keeps you safe, okay?" and she looked at him with huge eyes and slowly nodded her head up and down.  I have never seen her is such awe.

Two minutes later a fireman and firewoman walked in.  I said, "Oooooh, Abby look at the fire man!"  She saw the red truck outside (it was a paramedic fire truck) and she looked at it and said "Red, Whoooo, Whoooo" (that's what a firetruck sounds like using my own onomatopoeia) and then she says "Abby Berman, Abby Berman" as she read the "Los Angeles Fire Department Paramedic Ambulance" sign - anytime she sees writing without photos she thinks it says her name "Abby Berman" since that's what we write for her all the time on restaurant paper tablecloths and writing pads...Anyway, Aggie made the perfect joke that we should take a photo but all that was missing was a doctor.  We had a policeman, a fireman, but no doctor...Too funny.  Abby had a blast though.  That was a special moment with her.  She is growing up so fast!

Lots of other stuff happened this week but it's too much detail.  For the most part it was all about healing and getting the family healthy including myself.  I am feeling pretty good. I jogged yesterday and today with Abby.  We went to the farmer's market for all kinds of fresh fruit and veggies that we will use in my new Vitamix blender to make healthy smoothies.  We also went to Ninjaya, the japanese market for lots of cool stuff including pasta shaped like Hello Kitty.  Ridiculous!  I made the sauce to soak my black miso cod and later this week I am going to make miso soup, the real way with dried sardines...ha!!

On a side note, I figured out how to get Abby to sit in the stroller long enough so that I can run for a half hour. She hates the stroller.  She has never been a stroller girl, she just can't sit still. She would rather walk around herself. Anyway, I pulled out the old portable DVD player with her little kiddie headphones and she sits there perfectly in the Bob.  I AM A GENIUS!  Except for today when I thought I charged it but then didn't and so the stupid thing wouldn't work and she's screaming for Elmo...thankfully Ashley came with us and let Abby use her iPhone with Super Dance and Veggietales.  I guess I better get an iPhone, or as my sister Lindsey put it earlier today...an iBabysitter.

Fingers crossed for good blood counts tomorrow!!!

Leo is back home!

Leo came home last night around 5pm.  So happy to have him here.  He's still having a few coughing spells but he gets over them much quicker and it doesn't freak me out as much.  Hooraaaaayyyyyy!!

Looking brighter!

So...Abby was up last night at 2AM and at 4AM.  The first time she was just screaming for me and standing up in her crib so I rocked and cuddled her for about 10 minutes then she wanted back in bed. Then the second time she just cried out but when I went to see what was wrong she was cuddling her lovies and putting herself back to sleep so I didn't touch her!

5:30AM I was up to get back to the hospital to see Leo.  As I started getting ready I noticed my nose was running.  Correction. My nose was bleeding. My first Chemo induced bloody nose. Congratulations!!! I suppose this means Dr. McAndrew and Angela were right.  It wasn't a good idea for me to have the Chemo infusion yesterday.  I'm glad it didn't happen even though I still have the anxiety from not having my treatment and continuing with the plan.  I was thoroughly exhausted yesterday.  For me, it is still possible even though I feel horrible to keep pushing myself.  I probably shouldn't do that but I can't stop myself.  My kids need me and I'm not going to go take a nap when Leo's in the hospital or Abby hasn't seen me all day and is waking up from her nap.  It's just not going to happen.

Leo is doing much, much better.  He has color. He is alert. He has a great appetite. He's smiling and being active. They just took him off the oxygen at 10AM this morning.  They are still monitoring him but Dr. Gordon is hinting that he will go home tomorrow.  I am pushing for today.  There is less and less for them to suction and his coughing spells where he can't breathe are fewer and fewer.  I would like all of us to be back home plus David is traveling today so there will be less hands on deck.  I really feel that it will just be better at home on all levels.

I went ahead and kept my acupuncture and tuina massage appointment with Dr. Kumiko.  I am so glad I did.  I feel really good right now.  I have energy and I feel invigorated.  I was feeling a little light headed and sometimes dizzy when I stood up or moved somewhere to quickly. I have been having dull headaches. Not to mention just feeling super run down and tired (part of that was not sleeping Saturday night and yesterday I felt so tired my teeth hurt).  All of these symptoms are of course manageable and easy to ignore when you are running around trying to take care of a toddler and a newborn so I don't care much BUT it sure is nice when you don't have them too.  Thank you Tao of Wellness!

I asked Dr. Kumiko what I should be doing in her opinion to "heal" my blood.  I also told her I am trying to figure out how to balance the kids, exercise and sleep.  She said that sleep AND rest are important but exercise is also important.  She said I should be doing exercise like hiking and walking, tai chi or chi gong outside, something with meditation like yoga if I can.  I have no idea why I can't get back on the yoga bandwagon.  I use to love it.  Now the thought of going to a 1.5 hour class that takes 2 full hours away from the kids just doesn't seem doable at this point.  Will someone please come up with a 1 hour yoga class?!?!  I need to find an instructor to come to the house on a Sunday to do yoga with David and I.  And maybe incorporate Abby in there too.  That would be really nice.  If you know of a great instructor please email me!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! As a reminder I have cancer.  Let's celebrate with candy hearts and lots of chocolates!  Throw roses on the floor and shower me with diamonds. I'm kidding.  Just a little cancer humor to keep things light.

I'm here at Tower Oncology. I'm feeling very sluggish this morning but pushing myself as usual. We got here to Tower and my nurse today, the hilarious and fabulous Mary Lou, hooked me up to my saline drip without the cold spray. Poked and ready to go. Or so I thought...the head Nurse Practitioner Angela just told me that my blood counts came back "borderline" and she doesn't want to push it.  She knows the baby is in the hospital and she thinks that with the baby still in the hospital and everything I have going on that I should take a break this week.  I should be jumping up and down on the chair with joy but I'm not.  I mean, really, who WANTS to have Chemo and who gets disappointed when they can't get their infusion?  Insane, irrational cancer patients like myself I suppose.

Also, I was hungry and thought to order something from Kate Mantilini.  The wonderful Ann Harmsen is here this morning since she picked me up and went to pick up a sandwich for me from there.  I feel tired and wanted some comfort food so she and I selected the "Basil-Lemon chicken breast sandwich with sun-dried tomatoes on grilled rosemary bread with basil aioli".  It looks and smells delicious.  I took a bite and WHOA...salt overload.  I don't eat out much anymore and I can really tell a difference in homemade vs. restaurant food. I still ate half of it of course.  I am hungry and I don't feel all that great so I need some nourishment.  The side of sauteed kale was better and I ate the rest of that while I am waiting for Dr. McAndrew's decision...

Well, I'm a no-go for Chemo this week.  My numbers are too low and Dr. McAndrew feels that I should  take a break and take the opportunity to focus on the baby.  I know it's the best decision but I still feel so conflicted.  I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to fight this tumor but my blood counts aren't within my control.  They are telling me it is Chemo induced and has nothing to do with the exercise, diet or stress of the past week. She also said that if I didn't have a baby in the hospital they would have pushed it.  So...until next week Chemo I bid you adieu!

Are Ya Kidding Me?!?!?

Well, yesterday at 8Am Leo started to have a coughing attack and it made me very uneasy.  I sat with him in the steam shower again and even though it seemed to help his breathing was still labored.  Our amazing night nurse Brandi had told me the only time I need to worry is when his breathing seems hard. I put my ear to his chest and listened to his breathing and there was wheezing.  I sat with him in the shower some more while speed dialing and emailing Dr. Gordon.  This is why I like having a subscription to Dr. Gordon. Cell phone and immediate access.  Leo went to sleep and the timing was perfect for him to sleep then go in the office and see Dr. Jody Lappin (Dr. Gordon offered a house call but I couldn't wait).  By 10AM I was in the office, Leo had an oxygen mask with albuterol for a breathing treatment and they were checking his oxygenation.  Flash forward to two hours later and Leo is checked into Santa Monica UCLA hospital for the virus RSV.  What was to us a bad cold became dangerous for our little two month old.  Now believe me the irony of being in the hospital with our 2 month old son on the evening where two years ago in this same fucking hospital we lost our first 2 month old son is not lost on me.  However, once I took a few deep breaths I realized that this is the best place for us to be. 1) He is getting the best round the clock care he can get and 2) I am way less worried being here than if I were at home reaching the 2 month milestone with Leo on the eve of the second anniversary of Ben's death.  Too many things to deal with mentally.

It's not fun explaining our story.  Oh yeah, our two month old is sick and oh yeah, he's on donor milk because I have breast cancer and oh yeah, I'm freaking out about the timing of this whole situation because of SIDS and the two month mark and this hospital and on and on.  I am seriously surprised that the doctors haven't had me committed for having something like munchausen syndrome.  But I guess it's not like I can fake a tumor or the fact that our first born son died of SIDS on his two month birthday. Nope, can't fake any of that.  Just horrible, rotten luck.  Terrible luck actually.

Can anyone tell me more about Chinese New Year?  I know we are entering the Year of the Rabbit, a luck year? And we are ending the Year of the Tiger, right?   What does this mean?

I did not sleep at all last night. Well, it was kind of like an hour here, two hours there, that sort of thing.  I don't feel sorry for myself. I am upset that I had to leave Abby without telling her the plan. I had no idea I was going to the hospital. I had faith that I was just going to get Leo "checked out" then they would send me home and say to just let the cold take its course. As you know that didn't happen so I have not seen Abby since yesterday morning.

I had just talked to Miss Eva at Wilshire Boulevard about this exact issue.  I had to use the restroom Friday and they insisted that I tell Abby that I have to use the restroom and would be right back (I usually try to sneak in and out...bad mommy).  But here's the reason why. If for some reason I snuck out and she figured it out and was looking for me then the trust is broken.  The trust of her teachers or whomever she was left with and her trust of me.  I never really understood that so well until Friday.  And then here I go breaking that trust with her.  I made the mistake of calling home this morning and David told her it was Mommy and she was screaming and crying for me.  I'm so torn. Ugh, ugh, ugh.  I want to be with my daughter and I want to be here with my son.  Can't do both now can I?  Thankfully, the awesome nurse Maureen is back today with him so I don't feel as uneasy about leaving but I am also having my mom come to relieve me.  I am having my mom come here to the hospital WITH Abby so she can understand the situation. My mom was also one of the people who was adamant that I tell Abby when I am coming and going instead of sneaking out but I never listened (see...listen to your mother people)... So at some point last night or this morning my mom told Abby that Leo is very sick and went to the hospital and Mommy had to go with him.  Now my mom can bring her here so she can see the hospital and see that Leo is sick and Mommy is here.  Then I will leave with Abby to go have lunch and put her down for her nap and I can take a nap too.  Hope it works.  She'll be here in half an hour...

People are really wonderful and surprising.  Dr. Jody was so warm and reassuring with Leo to really ease my fears.  I heart Dr. Gordon and his practice.  They are the best.  Anyway, she didn't want me to tell anyone but when Dr. Jody came by the hospital yesterday afternoon she knew that I didn't have anymore breast milk than the bottle I had with me....so she pumped and gave me 8 ounces of fresh breast milk for Leo (she has 2.5 year old twins and a 5 month old at home).  We heart her so much.  Talk about antibodies. She's a pediatrician for goodness sake and is constantly around RSV and other germs.  It worked out perfectly until David could go back home and get more milk.  AND because he was better after the oxygen and albuterol treatment he was able to drink the milk and really calmed down and seemed 110% better so they decided not to poke him and give him an IV and fluids. Yeah!  Some light to a dark day.  He actually smiled and was very alert after a few days of being a bit out of it. Woo hoo!

Anyway, it's February 13th so I want to recognize this day in honor of Bennett.  Ben, my handsome, beautiful boy. I love you so much and I wish you were here with us and your sister causing trouble at home and being a handful just like her. You should be here bossing me around just like her. I know you were such a strong boy but you weren't able to stay with us.  We love you and miss you more than words can adequately say.  I know that your spirit lives on through us and within your sister.  Someday we will see you again. Until then know that I love you and I can't wait to hold you again.

TGIF?

I am always worried about the weekends. For one, we have less help. For two, David wants to be so helpful but he can't do a lot of the stuff as well as one of our nannies (it's a practice not a wanting issue) particularly where the baby is concerned.  I think he's afraid to hurt him because he's so little.  That or he really, really just doesn't want to change poopy diapers.  Anyway, this week went by very quickly.  

Leo's poor cold is the pits.  He cries in the most pathetic way, it makes me so sad. He sounds hoarse and dehydrated BUT he is drinking milk constantly so he can't truly be dehydrated.  He is just very congested.  I am amazed at the fact that Abby, who was also born in December in cold and flu season, didn't get a cold until after she was a year old.  I'm telling you folks. Mothers, breastmilk and anitbodies are very important.  We have breast milk from our wonderful donor Ursula and she is a pillar of health.  I don't think she's had the cold that is plaguing Los Angeles at the moment though.  Fortunately for Leo, Michaeline, our other breast milk donor HAS had the cold and flu and she's bringing over some milk for him this morning.  Amen. 

Thankfully, Leo's cold is the only thing that concerns me at the moment.  I am just fine.  I have been going for walks in the afternoon with Abby. I even did the adult ballet class with Christina yesterday.  I kid you not, I am the fattest, baldest, ugliest and most uncoordinated woman in the class but I didn't care.  It was hard. Mentally and physically for me.  Christina, who is a beautiful, petite ex-model who still looks like one, was a little ballerina and could follow along since she has studied dance. While I, on the other hand, only tried it out for a semester when I was young; then I got some weird growth in my toe and had to have surgery.  It was a benign tumor in my big right toe.  I wasn't too interested in ballet after that.  Anyway....Christina summed it up perfectly.  Ballet isn't just an exercise class.  You actually have to use your brain.  You have to count, you have to memorize the moves, you have to suck in your belly, lower your shoulders, hold out your arms, flip out your legs, pat your head and rub your tummy all at the same time.  You literally can't think about anything else.  Your mind can't stray from the task.  Could be the perfect work out for me at the moment.  The women in class were all wonderful saying I should keep it up.  I'm sure they just felt sorry for me since I was obviously so horrendous!!  I'll go again next week.  I like to torture myself.

Shabbat Shalom.  This morning is Abby's class at Wilshire Boulevard with Miss Eeevvvvvaaaaaaahhh.  It's a great class and she and I both really enjoy it.  I'm glad I can enjoy it with her in good health.

I stopped taking the Prilosec and my stomach isn't hurting anymore.  I think the magic from Dr. Mao's acupuncture is working.  Fingers crossed for this evening and weekend.  Saturday morning last week for me was difficult.  I am guessing that won't be the case.  Thank you acupuncture and thank you steroids and thank you vitamins and supplements.  Cheers! 

Poor Little Leo

Leo's got the cold.  It started last night with some congestion.  Tonight it is worse. He actually coughs. I didn't know newborns did that.  Abby didn't get her first cold until she was over a year old.  I think that's the difference with second children, they get all the germs from their older siblings.  Preschools are swimming with germs. And with kids who go to school with snotty noses whose parents claim "it's just allergies" or "he's not contagious anymore" etc. etc.  This was one reason why I really loved breastfeeding.  With Abby if I got a cold or there was a cold going around she got my antibodies.  I don't get to do that with Leo.  But at least he is still getting breast milk!!

I was supposed to meet Lily today.  Lily is my neighbor and a fellow SIDS mother.  We have talked many times but haven't met in person (and she lives right down the street!)...hopefully we make that happen next week instead.  I'm not sure if I told you about her but her story is really amazing.  She and her husband lost their precious daughter Kara at 4 months old to SIDS.  She is buried close to Bennett at Hillside Cemetery.  Kara was only a month younger than Ben. It's a sad cruel world.  For us to have to meet like that.  Instead we could have met as neighbors with children the same age if life wasn't so unfair... Flash forward to the present, Leo was born December 17th and 5 days later Lily's adopted daughter Marcelle was born.  Now we get to meet a celebrate our new little blessings.

I sat with Leo in the shower and steam (although I can't figure out how to properly work our steam shower, thanks very much waterworks (waste of money!)) while listening to Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.  He seemed very happy despite his congestion.  He sat there looking at me and then peacefully drifted off to sleep in the warm moist air.

Today my day was great.  I am feeling fine. I woke up later than Abby since I slept with Leo until 7 then had breakfast with Abby.  I was able to walk around organizing the house and finalizing the bills then got Abby ready for her class with Ms. Laura.  Abby's loves Bee Planet and I don't blame her.  It's the most creative class and it's mostly outside.  Lots of exploration.  Plus one of her best friends Harper is in the class.  All I have to do to get her to cooperate is say "do you want to go see Harper?" and then she miraculously lets me change her diaper and her clothes.  Nice.  Tomorrow I will do this same routine but say "do you want to go see Francesca?"  and "do you want to go see Miss Nancy?" and she should let me work my magic.  Oh and tomorrow is exchanging Valentine's at Brentwood Presbyterian.

Anywaaaaaay, we all went to class.  Leo, Abby, me and Agnes.  It worked out fine (except for the final portion of the hike where Abby cried passionately for me to pick her up and I wouldn't).  Life is harder for Abby now with a little brother.  She really is forced to grow up. She doesn't get to be carried around like a baby all the time like she would want.  Her crying is fake most of the time but it sure does seem to be getting more intense.  I feel so bad for her.  I try to make sure we have quality time though when I am with her so she knows how much I do love her.  She's still on the "NO, LEO" kick...

After class, the mattress was delivered and I went to pilates.  It felt great. Had a salad then took a nap. Woke up and hung out with Abby. We went for a walk with the doggies at Francesca's then they ran through the grass and picked dandelions.  It was so precious!   It was nice to be outside and walk a bit too.  I hope I am not too sore tomorrow!!

Tomorrow, ballet class with Christina and Abby gets to see Miss Nancy.  No other plans.  Perhaps another afternoon walk with the doggies. Abby really had a great time.  

Roids man!!

I'm telling you. Steroids are great. I feel amazing.  I started the prilosec first thing this morning.  I hung out with both Abby and Leo for breakfast but I didn't eat. I wasn't too hungry.  I didn't sleep well at all.  I couldn't fall asleep and when I finally did I woke up again from 2:30ish to 3:30ish with a million thoughts swimming in my head.  I finally decided to dig out a pen and pad from the nightstand and write down a to-do list.  Then I was up at 6 with Miss Abby.  Then Leo a few minutes later.  David took Abby to have breakfast with Agnes and I fed Leo. Then I brought Leo down to Agnes and hung out with Abby.  My mom was here and all was good.  Last night I stayed up organizing mail, filing and setting up bills to be paid.  I worked on that a little more and then it was time to get ready for acupuncture.

Lorraine drove all the way up from Manhattan Beach to pick me up for acupuncture.  She is the sweetest. I told her she didn't have to drive me, I'm feeling fine but she insisted.  I love seeing her so I didn't say no. I forgot to ask her if she recommends that I hide Abby's "No David!" book since she had an incident with her daughter Gabi from the book (it involves the naked butt running down the street photo)....ha ha ha!  Dr. Mao asked how I was doing so I told him about my tummy issues and taking my first prilosec.  He said he didn't like prilosec because it blocks the absorption of calcium and I need calcium during Chemo.  He said he would give me different herbs and that the acupuncture today would help.  It was a nice session.  I mean, as nice a session as you can have with a ton o' needles in you.  The heat lamps were nice and I felt comfortable lying there doing my mediation.  I asked Dr. Mao how will I know which took care of my tummy issues, the acupuncture or the prilosec this morning?  He said to stop taking the prilosec and I will see the difference.  So we'll see!  But as of now my tummy has been pretty great today.  Great news.

Oh, but let's talk about the steroids.  I am feeling H-I-G-H.  My mom looked at me Monday night after my infusion when I was trying to teach David how to Salsa dance after dinner (and after I searched for my salsa music on our audio request server obsessively for 20 minutes) and said "Oh, yeah, the steroids!" Yes. The Steroids.  I feel high for 3 days and then crash Thursday and Friday and Saturday morning.  I probably could've hiked 10 miles today up Westridge.  I am not kidding.  I got SOOOO much done today though. Acupuncture then had to take care of some Mandeville Canyon bills and checks, organize menu plan with Mercy, then take Abby to dance class, to get new ballet slippers (myself included for my adult ballet class I am starting on Thursday with Christina) and to Noah's bagels, then came home, had lunch, fed Leo, worked on our own bills, returned emails, then took a nap myself. Woke up, uploaded some photos from the camera, played with Abby and Leo, went to buy a mattress for the guest room.  Didn't really get a workout in today even though I was wearing my lulu lemon.  Oh well. But talk about being efficient. I was on a roll today.  Thank you ROIDS.

Dexamethasone is a potent synthetic member of the glucocorticoid class of steroid drugs. It acts as an anti-inflammatory and immunosuppressant. It is 20 to 30 times more potent than the naturally occurring hormone cortisol and 4 to 5 times more potent than prednisone.

Oh and can I just talk for a quick second about Abby in dance class. Now granted it is probably the most boring dance class on the planet. They never change the routine and the teacher Naomi is pretty dull but most of the other little girls love the class and follow along.  And...I'm sure since I got there 15 minutes late and didn't allow for a proper "transition" time for Abby to get warmed up that is part of the problem but...Abby would not follow directions at all today.  She was more interested in what all the other girls were wearing in class.  Pointing everything out to me. Polka dots!  Blue!  Green! Flowers in tu-tuuuuu!  Sparkles!  There was a baby in class and she kept wanting to touch the baby. Then she would run around and hop hop hop hop hop and bounce bounce bounce.  I swear I have the ADHD kid.  She's not a little lady. She was crazy.  Then she was tugging on the ballet bar to spin upside down like they taught her at JAG gym...not so great to do in ballet class where things are supposed to be controlled and classic.  Holy hell.  She needs to be in a hip hop class.  What kind of stupid crap is this anyway?  The class is beyond boring. I need to find another one for her to be free form and get out all this energy.  It would really, really be nice if someone had a REAL mommy and me dance class that was a workout for both mommy and baby.  Where we both felt like we were having fun and accomplishing something at the same time.  A sense of fulfillment.  Instead the teacher just wants to sit there with other little girls in her lap and tell the story of Cinderella.  I seriously wanted to punch the teacher in the face, especially when she gave Abby an annoyed look.  What the phaq does Cinderella have to do with dance anyway??  This is supposed to be dancing and twirling and fun. Not story time. It's not the library.  It's a dance studio.  But I digress.  (Ugh, there's those roids again.  Now I'm having roid rage...ha ha ha, I crack myself up).

Great article came out today about lymph nodes and breast cancer!

Lymph Node Study Shakes Pillar of Breast Cancer Care

By DENISE GRADY

Published: February 8, 2011

Here we go again!

I'm here at tower with the lovely jeanne robinson. I'm waiting to get the infusion. My blood counts were perfect according to my amazing nurse Pia (although we're still waiting for my blood chemistry to come back, and that includes testing my FSH for Dr. Daly).  Not sure why I need to test my FSH but I'm sure it's because Dr. Daly is convinced I will conceive a child while on Chemo.  Don't call me pessimist but I just highly doubt that will happen.  How can my ovaries produce quality eggs while on this toxic crap?

I want to say something.  I had an epiphany over the last two days.  I want to say that I'm not scared anymore.  I think the reality of my scans being clear is finally sinking in.  I'm not going to die from breast cancer.  I'm just going to have a shitty year and be annoyed to have to deal with this treatment. So for now I'm just content to have my infusion and be thankful for this amazing medicine and technology.  When I'm done with this I am going to write a book explaining how this all works, where the drugs come from, how they were developed, how the technology is advancing, etc. I'm fascinated. I mean seriously. Amazing. Just amazing.  Maybe I can go to medical school.  I think I might be missing some brain cells though to be able to receive, process and retain all the information.

Life is a box of chocolates

So Abby's feeling better.  She's finishing up her antibiotics.  Her UTI is gone and her cold is much, much better.  However, as if those two things were not enough she got some kind of yeast or fungal infection. Dr. Gordon's office has been fielding lots of calls and emails from us this week.  Antibiotics were harsh on her system and they load it with sugar so sometimes that happens I guess. But really!?!?  I mean seriously.  How does that happen to a little princess?  It could have to do with the fact that she fights me tooth and nail to change her diaper these days too.  To stop yeast you also have to stay dry. Ugh. She will either kick me, scratch me or roll all over the dirty diaper so I literally have to use my legs to pin her down and change her diaper.  Such a battle!

As if taking care of a sick kid weren't enough, I got sick and had to function on overdrive to get through the week.  Then David got sick (and even though we have the same cold it does seem to hit him harder even though I had Chemo too....I'm telling you folks, hydration is SO important).  Furthermore, David's mom got sick.  My mom got sick.  Everyone is sick.  How can one little girl spread so many germs? I am praying that Agnes and Mercy do not get sick.  Oh man, that would be a huge disaster!!  Oh by the way, Agnes has been such a blessing.  She's effervescent and has great energy and is a natural with Leo.  I'm feeling great in the help department.  So thankful!

Went to a preschool interview with Abby this week (it's one on the short list).  I got ready and then at the last minute decided not to wear my wig.  My hair is now just long enough.  It's a sort of spiky, very, very short pixie cut. If I have make-up on I don't even think I look that bad, it's kind of passable.  I mean, sure, it still looks like I was a cancer patient or a jug head but have let it grow out.  It does draw odd looks and random questions from people but I don't mind.  I'm happy to have hair that is even as long as about half an inch in some places.  It will all fall out again in about another month (if I'm lucky enough to have it last that long).  Oh, Abby had a great time at the school but then didn't want to leave. I think she is going to do great with the transition to school in September.

I saw Dr. Daly, my ob/gyn this week for my final post-op check up.  It was really weird to have to discuss birth control.  I thought that Chemo would be plenty enough but she insists that since I'm "young" (emphasis is my own) that the Chemo may not shut down my ovaries entirely so there is still a risk.  How freaking surreal is that?  She even said that after the Chemo, radiation, etc. that I may be fertile again.  Wouldn't that be something? Anyway, the only possible contraception I can use is an IUD because the pill has hormones in it.  Wonder if that had anything to do with me getting the cancer in the first place.  Nope, can't go there.  All I know is apparently I won't be able to use any form of hormones going forward.  (In my head I am cursing the IVF. stupid. stupid. stupid but still worth every ounce since it brought us Abby and Ben, can't look back).

My schedule is horrific.  Let me show you (will post attachment in a minute).  I am trying to figure out how to get a work out going.  I'm armed with all sorts of various yoga classes, dance classes, and hiking routes.  I just have to figure out when the hell to do it.  I went yesterday and bought new workout clothes at Lululemon. I figure if I live in workout clothes then going for a walk or squeezing in a workout impromptu will be no problem (IN THEORY....who commented that to me, oh yeah, Brandi.  Too funny!).  Anyway, it worked so far.  I walked yesterday with Abby after her nap and then we walked today before lunch.  Nice day today, David and I went for a walk with Leo in the baby bjorn on the strand while Abby stayed and played with Agnes at the JC Beach Club.  Then we all had lunch together.  It was a gorgeous day and it was great to get out.

The thing I am most worried about with this Chemo is neurapathy (Sharon had that from this drug in her hands and feet).  I am having bouts of that from time to time (the first week it really hurt in my left arm and leg and this week it is more in my leg only) but I swear that the working out will help.  I'm hoping Dr. McAndrew will confirm this for me on Monday. I need to get strong. Only other symptoms are the tummy issues.  I am trying to remedy that with natural remedies like Bio-K probiotics and the BRAT diet.  I can't say I have much appetite but it's not like I'm not eating so it's fine. So far everything is tolerable.  Now if only I can remember to take my 31904958 vitamins and herbs at the same time each day...that would help too.

I swear that I can nominate myself for the horrible mother of the year award on so many levels last week. Ok, sure, I've been sick but I felt like Wednesday and Thursday I spent all of five minutes with Leo.  Then I lost my temper with Abby from her "Abby do it, No, mommy do it, UP, UP, UP, No feed the ducks, No go upstairs and change diaper" and her resisting diaper changes, hitting me and scratching my face.  I had to give myself a "mommy time out" and walk away several times while she cried.  On top of that,  I got a call from Pet Medical Center.  The specialist had reviewed Charlie's x-rays and he has "moderately severe hip dysplasia with remodeling".  Grrrrrreeeaaat. It is a problem with the breed but he's only 6 (although the doctor pointed out that 6 is late 30's in dog years so it's pretty normal).  Now Charlie has to be on a diet and go for daily walks on flat ground and take anti-inflammatory drugs with his glucosamine. No hikes, no running and no treats.  Poor Charlie.  I saw Ann this week and she is having puppy withdrawals so I'm hoping she starts taking him for walks and giving him some love.  I've also had Mercy walk to the dogs twice this week and they went with me and Abby on our walk as well.  Sounds like we all need to get fit and healthy together.  It's a family affair!!