I wanted to give the background of Leo's name. It is just "Leo" not short for Leonardo or anything else. Leo is both our grandfather's names. My grandpa Leo is actually Lionel Henry, David's grandfather is just Leo and no middle name... I have very fond memories with my grandpa Leo growing up, he is the most gentle, caring and loving person, he always made me feel very special and was always proud of me and my accomplishments, no matter how small. He has always been a huge support for me. Growing up one of my favorite things was spending Sundays with my Grandpa Leo. We would go to his favorite diner for breakfast where he had his usual cup of coffee and I had the two two two breakfast special; then we'd head to the mall for browsing and shopping. We always finished our mall jaunt with a trip to the candy store for jelly belly jelly beans. I'd get my favorite flavors (pear, cherry, and sour apple) and a couple of what I knew were his favorite (my memory isn't so great now but I know one of them was coconut). He pretended he didn't like to eat the jelly beans but would always have some (which is why I learned which were his favorites and even though they weren't necessarily my own I would always put some in my bag anyway!). It was nice to share them on the ride home from the mall. We would talk about random things. It was a really important time for me since at home things were a little chaotic but I could always count on Grandpa Leo always making that special time for me. So when it came to finding a name for our son I wanted something to honor an important person to me (I don't think David actually knows or understands my motivation for pushing the name, I've never vocalized quite like I am doing just now). For me, Leo is a name that only has positive associations. I've never met a Leo I didn't like and that includes Leo DiCaprio. The name just really makes me happy. Leo! Leo! Leo! And while I was pregnant with my little miracle I wanted to find a name that made me happy, something that we both agreed on and something that honored the little warrior growing inside me. Leo the Lion!
Leo is my little miracle on so many levels. He truly was an unexpected blessing. He was meant to be. It was natural conception after so many difficulties in the past. And now that I am breastfeeding again and my breasts have changed to accommodate the lactation the composition of the tissue has changed. I honestly feel that I wouldn't have caught this tumor if I wasn't pregnant with Leo. It was the change in tissue composition from the hormones and growth that made the lump stick out. Otherwise why didn't I notice a few months prior before I was pregnant while still breastfeeding Abby? Particularly since my tumor was almost 5.5 centimeters. How could I not have felt that before? AND furthermore if I hadn't been pregnant yet did somehow happen to find the tumor and undergo treatment I most likely wouldn't have been able to carry another child. Apparently Chemo can cause major damage to your reproductive system and eggs. Not to mention that I need to be on estrogen reducing drugs that really make pregnancy impossible. It's all very interesting and hopeful to me.
All that being said, I was having a hard time in the beginning calling him Leo. David and I talked about this. We both were having the same problem. We would say can you do this or that for Abby and...(we'd have to pause and think on it then say) Leo. For us it is so easy for Ben's name to follow in that sentence. Ben and Abby. Abby and Ben. But now it is Abby and Leo. Leo and Abby. The more I say it the easier it gets to remember. And it isn't as if Leo looks like Ben. Sure there is the resemblance and the fact that they are both newborn boys but Leo definitely has his own look. He's already wearing Ben's old clothes that he wore after he was over a month old. Leo is just bigger from the get go. In fact he's already outgrown many of the clothes that he inherited from Ben.
One thing about having a second child is that you forget how tiny newborns are and you forget how long it takes from them to do everything. It took forever and a day for Leo to keep his eyes open. I don't remember that with the twins. He is already lifting his head like a two month old (Dr. Gordon confirmed this). Other than that I am still anxiously awaiting more awake and aware time. He sleeps a lot. He wants to just eat and sleep on the breast. He wants to be close to me all the time. If he's with someone else or sleeping in his crib and I walk in or he hears me talk it's just like the line from one of my favorite movies "Home Alone 2" (I'm obsessed with the oddest movies, don't judge me)... "I knew it was you...I could smell you getting off the elevator"... It's unreal how he knows when I'm there or not.
The other thing about a second child is that you think your heart instantly grows enough to love the two of them. I think it is more of a gradual process. In the beginning, with a newborn, it feels more like a maternal primal instinctual love rather than a love that has grown out of all kinds of happy bonding and memories like with a toddler. Like I was eluding to earlier, newborns don't do much and don't have much personality for you to play with. I love both of my children but right now the love for each of them is different. I'm very protective of both Leo and Abby but what each of them needs right now differs greatly. I'm trying to be what each of them needs so that both stay happy. It's a challenging and tiring task to find that balance. So far it's been working out fine. Thankfully since I am not pregnant anymore and have healed well from the c-section I can move around much easier and have so much more energy. The things that tired me out and stressed me out over the past few weeks aren't bothering me as much right now. I have the energy to deal with issues and a more clear state of mind to let the things that don't matter roll right off my shoulders.
Speaking of prior issues, the nanny brigade is currently in training. I'm not holding my breath with anything right now in that regard. Thankfully both my mom and mother in law have been on deck helping in numerous ways throughout the day so that I have been able to stay relaxed. I'm keeping expectations low given the hell I've been through with nanny drama so I won't be too disappointed if something (or someone) doesn't work out like we planned. Mercy is incredible and such a go-getter. Ava, the newest addition and our early morning nanny seems very motivated as well. Both have wonderful, pleasant and caring personalities. Both can nanny two children. Both can cook. Both can clean. Both can work together in a team. I don't feel awkward asking them to make me a sandwich if I'm stuck upstairs nursing the baby or playing with Abby. They come to check on me and make sure I'm doing OK and don't need anything. It feels very different than it did with the last nanny and in such a good way. David was explaining how even though hind sight is 20/20 he didn't realize how bad the energy was with the last nanny; now he can appreciate how much better things are and are going to be as we move forward. It's just that the timing of everything was difficult as are the continual moving pieces we've been dealing with on a daily basis. We are hopeful that things will begin to settle down in short order! (On a side note, I will post the email chain from the last nanny that had me so pissed off in the hospital on the horrid Night 3 in another post where I can bury it. I just find it interesting and some of you may as well so you can understand why we feel the way we do about the whole situation)...
Last Thursday I had scheduled a sage cleansing with Kristen and Poopak. After they arrived my friend Elizabeth showed up to drop off some goodies as well. It was great timing to have them here for the cleansing. We walked around the house with the sage smoking and with all of our good energy and intentions. It is a nice ritual to get rid of bad energy and welcome new energy. I especially wanted to do this before the new year and since the last nanny moved out. Be gone bad energy!! Elizabeth showed us a NSEW (north south east west) blessing if you will where you ask the four corners of the Universe to bring and ensure good energy, love, health, and peace in our home. And let's not forget that mercury is no longer in retrograde!! SO DONE with that!!!
So how's Abby doing with Leo and the adjustment, you ask? Knock on wood she has been pretty fantastic. For the most part she seems him and makes a funny high pitched voice while saying "Hi Leo, Hi Leo" and then will kiss his head or kiss his feet. That's pretty spectacular. I think the fact that she has Grandma, Grammy, Daddy, Mommy, Mercy, and Elizabeth around to give her attention doesn't hurt. There's always someone tending to her needs. She does call for "Momma" a lot and continually check in on me and "touches home base" as they say. My mom advised me to have an open door policy when I got home from the hospital and that has worked well. She should always be able to check in with me and the baby has to get use to her noise and disruptions as well. The only problematic way that the adjustment and/or possible anger has manifested itself is with her sleeping habits. The first couple of nights were hard and there have been other bumpy nights here and there. We've now figured out to turn her white noise "rain" machine up higher to drown out the sound of Leo's intermittent cries. But mostly, it is because she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to check that we are still there for her. Either David or I (or both) will go in there and sooth her, rock her and then get her back into her crib to sleep. Did I tell you already about the night that I was up with her from 2-3:30 AM then slept on the floor in her room until 5:30 when I had to get up with Leo? That was fun. I mean, it didn't hurt my back at all... The hardest issue is that I haven't been able to spend as much time as I'd hoped with her. I kept saying well, anyone can give the baby what he needs (although not really while I'm breastfeeding) and then I could spend more time with Abby. It's not worked out that way for two reasons. 1) I'm breastfeeding on demand so that's not predictable and 2) Toddlers are a lot of work and very tiring to deal with while recovering from major surgery. Anyway, it's working out much better than my expectations anyway! Right now I'm doing my best to be present for Abby and play with her when I can while at the same time breastfeeding and bonding with Leo!
I swore it wouldn't happen but I succumbed to the pressure. I said no more trash TV shows...but I am now loving the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Ha!!! I've now watched all the episodes (albeit out of order) and I can't wait for more. I claim it is because I love to see all the aerial footage of our neighborhoods. Also, our new pediatrician was on an episode as well and I had to laugh. I am a "real housewife" of Brentwood I guess. Anyway, I did swear to myself that I would not follow another trash tv show but sitting in bed or a rocking chair most of the day and night breastfeeding will change your attitude about things. For sure. But you can learn a lot from a housewife. Seriously. The humble and seemingly down-to-earth, oh and one of two brunette wives, Kyle, discusses her marriage in one episode. She and her husband seem to have a wonderful relationship and have been together for quite a while. Seemingly a feat in Beverly Hills. Anyway, she explains that in the beginning it was difficult for them and their relationship when the kids were young. The mother gives 120% to raise the kids and the father gives 120% to provide for the family (the analogy is my own) and so you don't have much left at the end of the day to nurture your own relationship. Again, I'm projecting here but you are basically in survival and coping mode. That is exactly how I feel at this moment. Then, as if raising two young kids isn't hard enough I have to battle fucking cancer. I really want to get through this next year so I can get back to a more normal life. So I can be a mother. a wife. a daughter. a sister. a friend.
Love to you all. Nighty night.
All that being said, I was having a hard time in the beginning calling him Leo. David and I talked about this. We both were having the same problem. We would say can you do this or that for Abby and...(we'd have to pause and think on it then say) Leo. For us it is so easy for Ben's name to follow in that sentence. Ben and Abby. Abby and Ben. But now it is Abby and Leo. Leo and Abby. The more I say it the easier it gets to remember. And it isn't as if Leo looks like Ben. Sure there is the resemblance and the fact that they are both newborn boys but Leo definitely has his own look. He's already wearing Ben's old clothes that he wore after he was over a month old. Leo is just bigger from the get go. In fact he's already outgrown many of the clothes that he inherited from Ben.
One thing about having a second child is that you forget how tiny newborns are and you forget how long it takes from them to do everything. It took forever and a day for Leo to keep his eyes open. I don't remember that with the twins. He is already lifting his head like a two month old (Dr. Gordon confirmed this). Other than that I am still anxiously awaiting more awake and aware time. He sleeps a lot. He wants to just eat and sleep on the breast. He wants to be close to me all the time. If he's with someone else or sleeping in his crib and I walk in or he hears me talk it's just like the line from one of my favorite movies "Home Alone 2" (I'm obsessed with the oddest movies, don't judge me)... "I knew it was you...I could smell you getting off the elevator"... It's unreal how he knows when I'm there or not.
The other thing about a second child is that you think your heart instantly grows enough to love the two of them. I think it is more of a gradual process. In the beginning, with a newborn, it feels more like a maternal primal instinctual love rather than a love that has grown out of all kinds of happy bonding and memories like with a toddler. Like I was eluding to earlier, newborns don't do much and don't have much personality for you to play with. I love both of my children but right now the love for each of them is different. I'm very protective of both Leo and Abby but what each of them needs right now differs greatly. I'm trying to be what each of them needs so that both stay happy. It's a challenging and tiring task to find that balance. So far it's been working out fine. Thankfully since I am not pregnant anymore and have healed well from the c-section I can move around much easier and have so much more energy. The things that tired me out and stressed me out over the past few weeks aren't bothering me as much right now. I have the energy to deal with issues and a more clear state of mind to let the things that don't matter roll right off my shoulders.
Speaking of prior issues, the nanny brigade is currently in training. I'm not holding my breath with anything right now in that regard. Thankfully both my mom and mother in law have been on deck helping in numerous ways throughout the day so that I have been able to stay relaxed. I'm keeping expectations low given the hell I've been through with nanny drama so I won't be too disappointed if something (or someone) doesn't work out like we planned. Mercy is incredible and such a go-getter. Ava, the newest addition and our early morning nanny seems very motivated as well. Both have wonderful, pleasant and caring personalities. Both can nanny two children. Both can cook. Both can clean. Both can work together in a team. I don't feel awkward asking them to make me a sandwich if I'm stuck upstairs nursing the baby or playing with Abby. They come to check on me and make sure I'm doing OK and don't need anything. It feels very different than it did with the last nanny and in such a good way. David was explaining how even though hind sight is 20/20 he didn't realize how bad the energy was with the last nanny; now he can appreciate how much better things are and are going to be as we move forward. It's just that the timing of everything was difficult as are the continual moving pieces we've been dealing with on a daily basis. We are hopeful that things will begin to settle down in short order! (On a side note, I will post the email chain from the last nanny that had me so pissed off in the hospital on the horrid Night 3 in another post where I can bury it. I just find it interesting and some of you may as well so you can understand why we feel the way we do about the whole situation)...
Last Thursday I had scheduled a sage cleansing with Kristen and Poopak. After they arrived my friend Elizabeth showed up to drop off some goodies as well. It was great timing to have them here for the cleansing. We walked around the house with the sage smoking and with all of our good energy and intentions. It is a nice ritual to get rid of bad energy and welcome new energy. I especially wanted to do this before the new year and since the last nanny moved out. Be gone bad energy!! Elizabeth showed us a NSEW (north south east west) blessing if you will where you ask the four corners of the Universe to bring and ensure good energy, love, health, and peace in our home. And let's not forget that mercury is no longer in retrograde!! SO DONE with that!!!
So how's Abby doing with Leo and the adjustment, you ask? Knock on wood she has been pretty fantastic. For the most part she seems him and makes a funny high pitched voice while saying "Hi Leo, Hi Leo" and then will kiss his head or kiss his feet. That's pretty spectacular. I think the fact that she has Grandma, Grammy, Daddy, Mommy, Mercy, and Elizabeth around to give her attention doesn't hurt. There's always someone tending to her needs. She does call for "Momma" a lot and continually check in on me and "touches home base" as they say. My mom advised me to have an open door policy when I got home from the hospital and that has worked well. She should always be able to check in with me and the baby has to get use to her noise and disruptions as well. The only problematic way that the adjustment and/or possible anger has manifested itself is with her sleeping habits. The first couple of nights were hard and there have been other bumpy nights here and there. We've now figured out to turn her white noise "rain" machine up higher to drown out the sound of Leo's intermittent cries. But mostly, it is because she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to check that we are still there for her. Either David or I (or both) will go in there and sooth her, rock her and then get her back into her crib to sleep. Did I tell you already about the night that I was up with her from 2-3:30 AM then slept on the floor in her room until 5:30 when I had to get up with Leo? That was fun. I mean, it didn't hurt my back at all... The hardest issue is that I haven't been able to spend as much time as I'd hoped with her. I kept saying well, anyone can give the baby what he needs (although not really while I'm breastfeeding) and then I could spend more time with Abby. It's not worked out that way for two reasons. 1) I'm breastfeeding on demand so that's not predictable and 2) Toddlers are a lot of work and very tiring to deal with while recovering from major surgery. Anyway, it's working out much better than my expectations anyway! Right now I'm doing my best to be present for Abby and play with her when I can while at the same time breastfeeding and bonding with Leo!
I swore it wouldn't happen but I succumbed to the pressure. I said no more trash TV shows...but I am now loving the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Ha!!! I've now watched all the episodes (albeit out of order) and I can't wait for more. I claim it is because I love to see all the aerial footage of our neighborhoods. Also, our new pediatrician was on an episode as well and I had to laugh. I am a "real housewife" of Brentwood I guess. Anyway, I did swear to myself that I would not follow another trash tv show but sitting in bed or a rocking chair most of the day and night breastfeeding will change your attitude about things. For sure. But you can learn a lot from a housewife. Seriously. The humble and seemingly down-to-earth, oh and one of two brunette wives, Kyle, discusses her marriage in one episode. She and her husband seem to have a wonderful relationship and have been together for quite a while. Seemingly a feat in Beverly Hills. Anyway, she explains that in the beginning it was difficult for them and their relationship when the kids were young. The mother gives 120% to raise the kids and the father gives 120% to provide for the family (the analogy is my own) and so you don't have much left at the end of the day to nurture your own relationship. Again, I'm projecting here but you are basically in survival and coping mode. That is exactly how I feel at this moment. Then, as if raising two young kids isn't hard enough I have to battle fucking cancer. I really want to get through this next year so I can get back to a more normal life. So I can be a mother. a wife. a daughter. a sister. a friend.
Love to you all. Nighty night.
OMMGGGGGG You did notttt tell me this when you were calling my OK magazine "trash" at the checkout stand!!! Hahahahaha. I've never watched. You have to fill me in. Lol.
ReplyDeleteReal housewives is REAL, okay?!?! Not trash!!
ReplyDelete