Getting mad

I'm getting very annoyed and angry.  There's been so much crap lately that I just couldn't pinpoint what was making me feel this way.  Is it depression? Is it fear? Is it anger? Is it disappointment?


(**By the way, my night nurse Brandi told me that I don't qualify for post-partum depression since I have extenuating circumstances and since I don't exhibit any symptoms against the baby).   


I realize that I just want to be normal. I want everything back to normal.  I want to be a new mom adjusting to the challenge of dealing with a toddler and a newborn.  I want to nurse my baby boy. I want to take Abby to her classes.  I want to go to the grocery store and pick up something for dinner. I want to run out of the house without having to worry about putting a wig or hat. I want to look in the mirror and see that I have eyelashes and eyebrows.  I want to discuss something other than my health with my husband who I can tell is worried sick about me.  I want the stress of worrying to go away.  Worrying about my diet, worrying about my vitamins, worrying about herbs and supplements, worrying about my doctor appointments, worrying about my upcoming scans, worrying about whether or not I should be seeking other opinions on my treatment, etc. etc. The stupid list goes on and on.  I don't want to have fucking cancer.  I hate you cancer.  I really hate your fucking guts. 


Our wonderful night nurse Brandi was telling me about her cousin's wife who just passed away from cancer with two young children...she wasn't telling me to scare me since the wife's situation was much different and she had chose not to undergo treatment.  She was in denial. She didn't want to deal with the reality of having cancer.  She wanted it to go away.  Instead it consumed her and took her life.  I am not going to let that happen but I can certainly identify with the fact that I also don't want deal with having cancer.  It would be so much nicer if it just went away, thank you very much.  I know what I do have to take care of myself but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I want to crawl in a hole and be ignorant.  Ignorance is bliss my friends.  


I was thinking that the average person probably has a certain number of thoughts in their head at any given time.  Let's think of the person who makes your burger at McDonald's (not that I can have a burger or go to McDonald's but work with me here).  They are probably thinking about 4-5 different things at a time.  "Can I take your order? Gee, this guy has a funny nose. Can't wait to get out of here. Anything to drink?" You get the idea.  I feel like even though I am usually a high functioning individual with a type A personality that I am juggling 1,747,818 thoughts in my head at any given time throughout the day.  Cancer just piled on even more responsibility than I already had. "Nurse Baby. Dress Abby. Read Life Over Cancer. Wish I could do yoga. Train new nanny. Call our contractor. Why is there a fork in the dog bowl? Sign Abby up for her classes. Grocery store list. Menu plan for the week. Wish I could write thank you notes. Coordinate breast milk donations. Wish I could get a massage, etc. etc."  It's basically a to-do and wish list all day long in my head times 300.  


Several people have asked me if I should be getting second opinions on my treatment.  People have friends at this hospital or that center or know cutting edge doctors in New York, Texas, etc.  Plus the newest research shows that the most effective treatment methods are those based on tumor markers...this is where most of the breast cancer clinical trials are focused.  I know my friends have the best intentions but believe me when I tell you that this Type A obsessive high-functioning individual is doing all she can to get the best treatment and ensure the best results. I asked Dr. McAndrew about the trials long ago and she told me that if my situation was different she would have put me in the trials immediately. However, the situation is that I wasn't eligible because I was pregnant.  I am doing everything in my power to make sure that I am going to be around for a very long time.


I do know that I AM feeling all of these things - FEAR, I'm scared for my upcoming scans even though I tell myself that I am not (I do, deep down, have an apathetic feeling about them though); DISAPPOINTMENT, I'm disappointed that these are the last few days that I will get to breastfeed my son; ANGER, I'm angry that I have so much on my plate and can barely manage to deal with everything on a day to day basis (we all know that I already admitted to myself that I am not superwoman even though I try my hardest to be); DEPRESSION, I'm depressed that I can't just wave a magic wand and have things back to normal; GRIEF, I'm grieving a life I had which seemed much more simple even though it was still complex, a life where I could be more relaxed about what I are, what I drank, and what I did.  Nothing is going to be the same but that's life, isn't it?


I'm also trying to clear out my demons and make peace with people and things in the past. That also means moving away from unhealthy relationships that I felt dutiful to maintain. Instead, I want to make room for a happy future by clearing out any negative things that I may be holding onto from the past. When I studied at the Beverly Hills Playhouse I read (required reading) Milton Katselas' book called "Dreams Into Action" - he discusses getting rid of obstacles (including people) to achieve what you want in life.  Otherwise "you may only achieve your dreams in your dreams"...  I have to remind myself of that.  Cancer isn't something I can overcome with sheer will power but I think clearing my mind and my life of "clutter" (like the cleansing of the house and applying feng shui) will truly help heal my body.  I am giving myself permission to sever ties and dismiss people and things that aren't supportive. I want positive people. positive energy. positive future. 


I watched the Oprah episode where she interviewed J.K. Rowling. In that episode Jo Rowling discussed being estranged from her father.  Here is the dialogue - Oprah asks "Do you think you'll ever make peace?" Jo says "No, I don't. I don't. I think that it's such a huge thing to be estranged from a parent but obviously there would have to be very big reasons for that" "Do you have your reasons?"  "I have my reasons." "Any you want to share?" "It wasn't a good relationship from my point of view for a very long time but I had a need to please and I kept that going for a very long time and then there just came a point at which I had to pull up and say, I can't do this anymore."  How liberating.  How poignant. I understand having the disease where you need to please.  That need to be dutiful. To send your father father's day cards and holiday cards even though that person doesn't return that same courtesy.  It wasn't until my sister did it herself that I myself felt able to stop being dutiful and cut myself off from an unhealthy relationship.  For me the fact that I never heard from my father even though I got diagnosed with cancer was the "very big reason" for me.  Of course there is a much longer history there but for a family member not to acknowledge a concern like cancer is pretty darn lame (for lack of a better word).


You really do find out who cares about you when the shit hits the fan.  You find people whom you never thought in a million years would be there for you are suddenly your strongest supporters.  It's pretty amazing.  So for those of you who are there for me I salute you and I thank you!!