Leo's birth was so much easier than the last time with the twins. With the twins it was much more dramatic and scary. I hemorrhaged and had to have a transfusion and a uterine balloon while Dr. Tabsh threatened to take my uterus since it wasn't contracting properly and I was losing too much blood. I told him "no way" since I think I still wanted my uterus even though at the time David and I thought we were "done" with one boy and one girl... Thankfully I was left in tact so that I could go on to carry this little miracle Leo. This birth - piece of cake. Dr. Daly was fabulous as was Dr. Matsunaga and the entire staff. On a funny note, Dr. Daly had her scrubs on, hair net and was all scrubbed in for the surgery but had these really long dangly gold and pearl earrings on and I couldn't stop thinking "has she ever lost an earring in a patient?" Thankfully she still had both earrings when the surgery was over!! The epidural was smooth enough even though I was scared shitless to do it since last time I just had a spinal tap that wore off while I was undergoing the uterus chaos. And if you've given birth you know that when the RNs and Doctors come around to check if your uterus in contracting by pushing down hard on it YOU KNOW that the pain from that isn't much fun!!
Leo was skin to skin within minutes of birth. He was on my chest and immediately started wiggling to the breast. The instinctual mammalian response was amazing. I really have to thank Dr. Gordon for being there and ensuring the skin to skin contact for us and no extra poking or unnecessary tests for Leo. When Dr. Gordon was examining Leo he said "Wow! Big hands and big balls!" Too funny! David seemed to be very amused buy that...
Nursing was giving me some major problems as I've indicated above... I was really pushing myself to be with Leo, only keep him at the breast (particularly since I only have a month to breastfeed him), only have him sleep next to me (even when I was alone all night when David had to go home to be with Abby) and by night three I was bonkers. Plus...I made the mistake of watching Sleepless in Seattle on demand in the hospital on Day 3. In the opening scene the husband is explaining to the son about how Mommy died suddenly (she died from cancer) and how you can't try to make sense of the death because it will just make you crazy. I couldn't believe they had this film available in a hospital on demand!!! She dies of cancer!! Why on earth is that appropriate for hospital patients???
Anyway, I was having too many sordid thoughts that night and that's when I realized I wasn't superwoman. I was walking laps in the hospital with Ashley while they took Leo to the nursery to be weighed. We walked by the nursery and I heard a baby crying and peeked in to see Leo looking so fragile and weak, a little yellow and his cry was sounding faint from not having any fluids (except hopefully SOME colostrum) since birth. As I walked into the nursery I heard a nurse tell another nurse (they didn't know I was in the room) that Leo looked very dehydrated and had lost the 10% of his body weight. I just broke down right there and then sobbing. I looked at the nurse who was weighing Leo and said "please get me a bottle of formula and a nipple right away"... I gave him the formula and he was immediately better. That is when I decided that given my current health that now was not the time to try to be a superhero breastfeeder and tax me and tax him. He was nursing and I could still bond with him that way but I wasn't going to drive myself crazy nursing with cracked and bleeding nipples when he is going to be bottle fed eventually anyway. David was on board with that immediately. He won't tell me so but he is so concerned about the breastfeeding and whether I am taxing myself too much. He just doesn't want me overdoing it, he wants me focused on getting well for the long haul. I understand that completely. But I also know the pure joy and attachment that grows from breastfeeding your child. I LOVED breastfeeding Abby. When she was still getting up once a night I would go in there and nurse her in side-lying position and just cuddle her little body and massage her back and her legs. We'd snuggle so close and just enjoy each other. It brought me so much joy which is why I wasn't bothered in the slightest to get up once a night for several months until she outgrew that feeding. When it's great, it's truly wonderful. You even forget about the blocked ducts, thrush, sore or cracked nipples. It goes away but that love you feel from your child when their little fingers caress your breast while you feed them and you hug their little bodies oh so tight...you just can't replace that. I love breastfeeding Leo and that is why I am doing as much of it as I can but I am also not going to stress myself out if I skip a feeding at night so I can get a more solid block of sleep.
So I'm going to focus first on getting better. Is that good grammar or WHAT?!?! As I'm typing that Leo is sitting here in his boppy pillow looking at me and grunting. He's doing his business in his pants. Squish. I've come up with a temporary nickname for him - Sponge Bob Squirt Pants. David asked me last night if it was normal for him to poop so much. Yep. It's pretty great and healthy. He's getting enough milk from Mommy during the day even without any bottle during the day. Of course breastfeeding him after getting through the initial rough patch would be easy street. He latches on now like a pro (although sometimes his hands get in his own way) and he seems pretty content. We'll both enjoy it while we can!
Oh yeah, so back to more nanny drama nonsense. On Sunday (also on Day 3) our live-in housekeeper texted David at the hospital to get her paycheck and wanted to talk to him about something. When he told me that I said "Oh, I bet she's going to quit"... so Roxana quit Sunday afternoon while I was in the hospital. Nice, huh? Given her latest negotiations and attitude issue it is a blessing but the timing is horrible. I'll post more on that topic another day cause it was a whole lot of drama that had me up the next night typing an email while shaking in the hospital I was so mad. More to come...
Here are other random thoughts I've been having while I am supposed to be in new mommy heaven but I'm still stuck thinking about cancer. I'm starting to wonder if I should just have a hysterectomy as well once my breast surgeries are over. I believe the Chemo will damage my eggs that I have left so it's not like we'll have more children so do I really need those parts? Although Sharon tells me I still have to go on the tamoxifen even after a hysterectomy so that's annoying...either way it will be menopause for me at the young age of 34 (or 35 if that happens after May 1st)... I'm also wondering though if I should be more aggressive with the breast surgeries as well since I don't understand why the chance of recurrence is that same with lumpectomy and radiation and double mastectomy and radiation. I have a lot of questions for Dr. McAndrew when she gets back from vacation on January 3rd... And why am I not scheduled to meet with her until January 31st. That seems really late. Don't I need to get started again with treatment? Last Chemo was November 23rd...
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