Time to get positive people. It's a beautiful 70 degrees outside. The sun is shining. I am feeling fine. I'm making peace. I'm moving forward. I'm taking things as they come. I'm making things happen. I'm focusing on the positive. I'm also trying to see the glass as half full not half empty. I want to stop complaining about how things were and how I don't want things to change. Life isn't fair. Life brings challenges. I think what makes you a great person is how you handle those challenges. I want to handle them gracefully. I want to let things roll off my shoulders with ease. I want to stay focused on the things that are truly important in my life. (Thank you Lorraine for reminding me of that!).
As such, I have started clearing out the clutter in my relationships, my home, and last, but most important, my mind. My mind is the biggest hurdle for me. I keep thinking that if I work on the first two the last will be easier. I feel the more I focus on what is important - my health, the family that David and I have created with our two bambinos, my larger family and close friends - I will have a better life. I like the way Lorraine put it - my "changed for the better" life!!
I'm not stressed about life as much as it may have sound in the previous posts, I'm making peace with the fact that my life has changed and my future will be different. It's been hard to "let go". I am going to focus on my important relationships and learn how to give up control (easier said than done, of course!!). It's been most difficult to give up control of things that are majorly important to me. Like spending all my time with Abby and Leo, studying and learning how best to raise them...now I've got to let other people do it with me so I can go see this doctor, go get that test or go have that treatment. My critical relationships are being temporarily disrupted so I can heal. I know I need to heal emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. The challenge for me then is not to focus too much on the immediate present. Not to making myself feel like I need to go to classes everyday with Abby or nurse Leo once every three hours but to simplify it to spending quality time with her no matter where we are and to not put pressure on myself if I need to give Leo a bottle. I don't think there's anything more important than your kids so I'll be focusing on those relationships. So when I'm feeling well that is where you'll find me. Hanging with the Abster and Leo the Lion.
Of course then there's the other most important relationship, my marriage. The fact is that for most people while raising two young kids your marriage gets pushed to the side. Then top that with cancer. David and I are so busy coping and surviving that we have no time to focus on each other and our own relationship. He's been pretty amazing about our situation and for that I am beyond grateful. He has been an incredible rock for me. When we got married, our Rabbi told us that the temptation of married couples is to come home at the end of the day and give your partner your worst. To take out on them the day's frustrations because we feel safe. He made us promise that instead we would always give our partner our best. Sometimes that is really difficult to do. But really, when you stop to think about it, what's the point of giving strangers your best? When will you ever see them again? Doesn't your partner deserve more than a stranger or an acquaintance? Monday when I was feeling crummy it was David that cared enough to fish out my melancholy even though I was giving him the silent treatment. How horrible am I? What did he do to deserve that? Nothing. He deserves nothing but my absolute best. I shouldn't take him for granted. I have to remind myself of that daily.
So let's talk about fun stuff. Stuff like how easily Leo nurses and how he just wants to snuggle with me all the time. If I've been with Abby for a while and he's been with the nanny and I walk in the room so he hears my voice, he wails. He wants his momma. That makes me feel like a million, billion, gagillion dollars. It happens without fail that he hears me or senses my presence that he just wants to snuggle with momma (my favorite Home Alone 2 line again - "I knew it was you, I could smell ya, gettin' off the elevator"). I love it!! It's so nice to be loved and wanted. He needs me. Maybe that is why selfishly I am trying to breastfeed as much as possible. There's nothing that compares with the feeling you get when your child is snuggled up to you skin to skin and nursing like that. Love it. Love it. Love it.
Secondly, let me tell you about Abby and shoes. S H O E S. Abby is obsessed with shoes and walks around her room and the house interchanging her shoes, often walking around with mismatch shoes (one rain galosh and one sneaker; one dress shoe and one croc; one slipper and one flip flop). Plus she likes to get into her bureau and her closet to put on random hats and barrettes, or headbands or jackets all of course with a ton of necklaces cascading down her neck like Mr. T. She is a character!! And she is beyond obsessed with Mommy right now. If I have the baby it is "no, leo, no leo" and "baby's room" or "right there" - then she shows me where I can put him down so I can play with her instead. Sometimes it is endearing and funny. Sometimes not so much. But we're making it work.
Now on to medical stuff...I met Dr. Armando Giuliano, the breast cancer surgeon yesterday (he is the Chief of Science and Medicine Director for the John Wayne Cancer Institute Breast Center). It took over 3 and a half hours, most of that waiting to see him...but I really liked him. He made me feel very relaxed and at ease which, even though I love her, isn't how I feel with Dr. Funk. They have completely different energy. Most would agree that they are the two best breast surgeons in Los Angeles. Both have incredible reputations and experience. Whenever I go see Dr. Funk though (and I've waited over 2 hours to see her before too so in that regard they are the same) I always feel rushed. Her energy is a little more frenetic. Dr. Giuliano's energy is more wise professor like Albus Dumbledore. I am still reserving judgement on what I will do but it gives me something to think about. He gave me a ton of information and wasn't wishy washy on any of it. My concern with Dr. Funk is 1) she reserved the right to tell me that she saw more than 4 infected lymph nodes the first time she examined me ( but told me after my 3rd round of Chemo) and 2) first she told me that the lumpectomy and the reduction could be done at the same time (which she said would be great since I could save on the cost of the anesthesiologist) and then she told me at my last visit that she would do the surgeries separate. By the time the information sinks in and I realize that the information is different than before the visit is over and I have to wait to ask her about it the next time. Surgery is 4 months out but I'm leaning toward Giuliano now....
I'm currently squatting it at my mother in law Sue's house after my PET/CT scan. David and I went to Nate N Al's for a late breakfast/early lunch (same difference) after the scan and I let myself have my egg white with veggies and a potato pancake with apple sauce. Yum. I pumped for the first time since the hospital. I got 2.5 ounces out of the left breast (the one with cancer) and 1 ounce out of the right breast (the one without cancer). Try to make sense of that. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that. It's just so bizarre. With the twins I remember one side having more than the other but I don't remember my left being the strongest producer. It's just very odd. Will ask Dr. McAndrew her thoughts on that...
I wasn't really worried about the scan today... I'm just upset I have to leave my kids and then be away from them so long while I'm radioactive. :( We got to Tower at 8:30; saw Jose who was going to start my IV then decided to use my port instead. That's one huge benefit of doing the scan at Tower, all the nurses are well trained at using the ports. I'm generally over the whole medical part of things since I'm use to being prodded and poked. I just know it has to be done so let's do it. Bring it on!!! But using the port since I went through so much drama to have it is worth while. Anyway, got the port flushed, and ready to go, saw Sandy and got an injection of Fludeoxyglucose F 18 (being specific with the drug names here for future reference) then sat in a big arm chair covered in blankets (she says so that the brown fat in my body doesn't respond to being cold and skew the scan). Then while I sat there for an hour I had to drink a "mocha" drink of barium sulfate. Now if I NEVER have to drink that solution again I will be thankful. Ugh. Thankfully I don't have a sensitive gag reflex! After drinking two bottles of that drink I went in for the scan. It looks like a big tube and a slide, similar to a needle head and thread. The slide whisks you in and out through the tube while you lay perfectly still with your arms up over your head. The whole test took about 25 minutes. Keeping your eyes closed is key. The only thing they should have warned me about what the commanding computerized voice shouting "Breathe In... Breathe Out... Stop Breathing"...then "Breathe Normal". It was so shocking I wanted to laugh. Then I got an injection of Isovue (an Iodine agent) and I felt really warm all over. Like how a kiss from that special someone can make you feel. Ah ha ha ha ha.
Tomorrow MRI Brain and Bone Scan at St. John's... I'll go home late tonight after Abby is asleep and sleep at home then I can wake up and be with Abby and Leo!! Then 9:30 we check in for the tests. Tomorrow night we are checked into a hotel since I can't be around Abby or Leo for 24 hours after the bone scan. That worries me a little...that must be a more gnarly test. I'm not going to think about it though. It'll be fine I'm sure. Not worse than a c-section, right? Anyway, we are supposed to get the results from today's scan within 24 hours so I hope to hear from Angela and Dr. McAndrew tomorrow.
Fingers and toes crossed!!
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