I have been having a hard time with the thought of being grateful and thankful. I feel thankful but I'm also feeling ashamed. Ashamed and embarrassed to be so rich with friends and people who care about me. But why? I don't feel that special. Yet amazing, talented, wonderful people are taking the time, so much valued time, away from their schedules to do things for me. I am really thankful for my friends and supporters. They are making a huge difference in my life and I desperately need them.
Well, that being said, I've been crying a lot. Just randomly. Mainly because I am such a mixed bag of emotions, feeling good but feeling bad. Thanksgiving will do that to you, I suppose. I feel great to have awesome friends but so sad and frustrated that I have to be such a downer. I mean, let's face it. If I had a friend who had cancer, of any kind, while pregnant I think I'd be pretty bummed about it and I would probably think about them all the time (and maybe not know what to do to help). I know my friends feel that way and so I try to empathize. It is still hard to accept all the help even though I know I can't do this alone. This cancer and pregnancy thing is pretty fucking hard. Excuse the "french".
Poor David. He finds me randomly pouring my eyes out and he gets all worried. This morning I was up at 4AM with "to-do's" swimming in my head so I went into the other room to type them into my tasks on my blackberry. Then I laid in the other bed till about 5:30ish and decided to check my email and responded to a sweet Thanksgiving email from Vizhier. Then I just lost my marbles and had to come back into bed with David around 6 and wake him up with my crying. Poor David. Seriously. He must think I am losing it but he never says so. He just hugs me till it passes and tells me he thinks it's "cute". Anyway, usually I'm just having a "moment" and then it passes. Sometimes I cry because I hear an amazing song on the radio. Sometimes I see Abby doing something with our nanny and I get upset that it can't be me giggling with her outside on the swings. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and think this is hard and too much and too fast and what the hell??!?! I get so angry. Sometimes I am happy and overcome with appreciation to be alive and fighting cancer with a really strong little Peanut growing inside me. And then I get sad because I know he will be the last child I will be able to have. Definitely a mixed bag of heavy-weight emotions.
Below is the excerpt from Eve Ensler's speech that I couldn't have said better myself. It defines how I feel so eloquently. I read this and cry. And cry. And cry. This is me. This is how I feel.
I want to thank all of you for following me on this blog. Thank all of you for caring for me. Thank all of you for your emails, texts, calls, comments, facebook posts, and tweets. Thank you for the food, the rides, the company, the referrals, the advice, and the valuable time. It means the world to me.
Cancer stopped me
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth
It made me stay in one place
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve
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