Today as I was talking to my friend Ursula I summarized that the "novelty" of my diagnosis was wearing off. When you are diagnosed with something like cancer you immediately go into survival mode. What should and can I do to survive? You research. You seek advice and counsel. You heed the advice you receive. You change your routine. You change your perspective. You do whatever you need to do to survive. You basically change your life. Because learning you have cancer changes your life. Changes your ideas for the future too. Everything changes and you feel a little out of control.
I am being very regimented about my diet, my supplements, my herbs, my port care, my acupuncture, my doctor appointments, my...everything. But I am getting really tired. This is what I mean about the novelty of the diagnosis wearing off. Sure, it could be the fact that I have no energy that is effecting my outlook on things. The baby is getting bigger and bigger and I am getting bigger too so it is harder to move about (just my belly is getting bigger, this diet has me maintaining a consistent weight). I'm sure it's the combo of being pregnant and undergoing Chemo that has me so zapped but it doesn't suit my personality at all. Since the novelty is wearing off and since I'm so tired it is getting easier for me to want to cheat on my diet, not take my vitamins or herbs and not take care of my port. It's a lot to deal with. It's a lot of maintenance and I was never a high maintenance girl. David, are you laughing at that?!?! Unless it was a big fancy event I never spent more than 20 minutes getting ready. Make-up was simple and so was my hair. I usually didn't do much of either. So now I really AM high maintenance!! Ugh, drives me nuts but I'm doing what I need to do, right?!?!?
Getting rounder means it is getting harder to spend time with Abby; since that basically means running around after her as she is literally resembling a wild chimpanzee more and more these days. I felt very sad the other day when I realized I can't spend more than half an hour at a time with her before I am just wiped out. I have to take breaks in between my time with her. That means I need lots of help around and have "staffed" the house appropriately. Regardless, I try to be around for her though even if that means I am just "in the room" while she plays with someone else. It's disheartening because I know she wants me to play with her and at times I can push myself to be up to the task. Lately I sing a lot of songs with her. Her favorites are itsy bitsy spider, she always requests "teeny, teeny" and "big, big" which are variations of the itsy bitsy spider where you disguise your voice high for "teeny" and very low for "big". She also loves "wheels on the bus", "around and around" and several others we've learned from her Brentwood Pres toddler class. The singing calms her down and entertains her and doesn't require too much energy on my part. Other than that I'm kind of useless for her. I make her lunch and do other behind the scene things but actually physically playing with her is difficult. Lately she gets so excited to see Roxana and Elizabeth. She still loves Mamma but she never use to really call for anyone else. All that's changing and I know it's a good thing for two reasons 1) cancer and 2) new baby but it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. It's sad and that is that. She's growing up. I'm doing what I can so that I can be there for her for many years to come. I'm hoping she'll still be just as attached.
On a side note Abby has discovered "fake crying". She will watch herself in the mirror while she "cries" and whines. She squishes up her nose and makes a rabbit face while projecting our her top teeth. It is quite a site. I have no idea how to deal with this new development. I don't want to encourage her too much so I am trying to ignore it when I know her "crying" isn't really serious. Oy. She is such a handful sometimes. Today was very challenging. Poor Agnes. Our new morning helper is trying very hard. She told me in her hungarian accent "she is very active girl, very active"...um yep. She's a monkey. Today she was on a terror. Since I am looking for excuses I am blaming the second molars. They must be coming in. She just got over a cold after last week so I'm hoping it isn't anything else. I kept saying how much I love the language and it has been very helpful yet it is also frustrating for her when she is telling me something with so much conviction and I just can't understand her! Poor baby. She gets very frustrated. Thank the Lord for Allison and Donna teaching me about how to help her communicate her feelings and emotions. A lot of the communication is providing helpful sentences like "yes, waiting is hard" and "I know, you're frustrated" and "that's hard to do, do you want help" etc. etc. So now at least she says "help" even though she's pulling something with all her might and gritting her teeth. That girl has got some will power and conviction. Don't tell her no or you'll regret it!!
I seriously don't understand this weather. It was super cold and rainy last week and now it is 90 degrees outside. We played by the pool this morning and I tanned my bald head. It was already 80 degrees at 8AM. How am I supposed to be wearing all these hats when it is this hot? And let me tell you nothing says cancer patient more than a baseball cap with no hair underneath. I'm hoping that as I tan my head the next few days it will look a little better and I can just go bald from now on. The frustrating thing is that my hair is growing. Why is that frustrating you ask? Well, because now I don't know if I should continue to keep is closely shaved or let it awkwardly grow out. There are still some desperate patches and that to me looks worse at the longer length. I also think my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning out. They are still there but I can tell a huge difference if I don't wear mascara and that also means I probably shouldn't wear any eye make up at all.
Art Gallery Services was here this morning. I got their name from Ann and they are fabulous. I've used them so many times. They did the family gallery wall with clustered antique frames which we affectionately call the "hall of shame". They've hung all the art in the house and they do it correctly. Abby's old wall art is now in Peanut's room. I got Abby some new art since I was redoing her bedroom and I asked the installer Luke if there was anything he could do to secure the art since it was above her crib and, of course, the answer was "no problem"... Some sticky tack and extra reinforcements later, she won't be pulling them from the wall. With her old art that I willy nilly hung up with some screws in the wall she ripped them down one nap time during a tirade. Good luck doing that now my little monkey!
We also had to redo the art in David's office and I decided to hang up my UC Berkeley diploma. Then I wondered where David's were...I found them in our photo files and decided that it was no longer acceptable to have them in a manila envelope. Men!! He's pretty busy though so I'm sure it slipped his mind. Anyway, I found both his USC and his Harvard MBA diplomas and decided to take them to be framed. I also found....very funny, both our sorority and fraternity plaques and decided to hang those too (albeit behind the office door so you only see them when the door is closed)... Poor David's USC diploma was becoming all yellow. At the framers we decided to use a more beige matte board so as not to call out the fact that it wasn't really supposed to be such a "dark" cream...I started laughing when I saw that he graduated in 1986. I was only ten. David did skip a few grades (but he is still 11 years older than me, shhhh don't tell) because he was a little smarty pants. Still I get immense pleasure when I think about what he and I were both doing in 1986. USC as an SAE frat boy back in the height of the crazy 80's. Seriously. It racks my brain.
Well, it's almost 10pm. Past my bedtime. Brentwood Pres class tomorrow in the morning then Chemo in the afternoon. Hopefully my counts are good despite the stupid flu shot. Oh yeah, Dr. Mao said I should've asked him about the flu shot. He would have advised against it. Now he tells me!!
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