I have a sore throat today. Started battling it last night. Annoying. There are so many signs telling me to "chill the heck out"...Fine. I get it. I got it. Lying in bed right now watching Eat, Pray, Love. or as David calls it "Eat, Crap, Sleep"...he's very witty my husband. Comes up with these little lines all by himself. Anyway, the movie does have me thinking...
About intentions. About Goals. About Affirmations. About Visualizations...
Every day is a blessing.
I am happy to be alive, to breathe, to grow, to challenge myself physically and mentally.
I will get rid of this cancer and be a healthier, stronger, more balanced me.
I will wake up from complacency, mediocrity and haphazardness of the mind.
I will rest.
I will mediate.
I will think positively.
I will leave in each moment.
I will smile with my whole body and my whole being.
I will take charge of my life.
I will love myself more.
I will forgive myself more.
I will not try to control that which I cannot control.
I will let myself be more carefree.
I will be a supportive, loving and nurturing wife.
I love Abby so much it hurts. I love everything about her.
I will be the best mother I can be.
I will have a healthy baby boy.
I will not allow Peanut to live in Ben's shadow the first year of his life. Or at all. Ever.
I will live for a very long time and watch my children grow up.
I will hear lots of giggling and laughter in this house.
I will watch my daughter grow up to challenge me and I will be grateful when she does.
I will hold my son and let him be a Momma's boy if he wants to be.
I want more than anything for my children to be proud of me. I will not disappoint them.
I will eventually go back to work. (Doing something I love and that benefits others).
I will be a productive member of my community.
I am transforming my home into a beautiful, balanced and peaceful sanctuary.
More to come...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
What a crybaby!
Did you all have a nice Thanksgiving? I hope so! It was a beautiful day to be with family and friends and eat delicious food with all the fixings. It was a good day to reflect on life and what and whom we are thankful for in our lives.
I have been having a hard time with the thought of being grateful and thankful. I feel thankful but I'm also feeling ashamed. Ashamed and embarrassed to be so rich with friends and people who care about me. But why? I don't feel that special. Yet amazing, talented, wonderful people are taking the time, so much valued time, away from their schedules to do things for me. I am really thankful for my friends and supporters. They are making a huge difference in my life and I desperately need them.
Well, that being said, I've been crying a lot. Just randomly. Mainly because I am such a mixed bag of emotions, feeling good but feeling bad. Thanksgiving will do that to you, I suppose. I feel great to have awesome friends but so sad and frustrated that I have to be such a downer. I mean, let's face it. If I had a friend who had cancer, of any kind, while pregnant I think I'd be pretty bummed about it and I would probably think about them all the time (and maybe not know what to do to help). I know my friends feel that way and so I try to empathize. It is still hard to accept all the help even though I know I can't do this alone. This cancer and pregnancy thing is pretty fucking hard. Excuse the "french".
Poor David. He finds me randomly pouring my eyes out and he gets all worried. This morning I was up at 4AM with "to-do's" swimming in my head so I went into the other room to type them into my tasks on my blackberry. Then I laid in the other bed till about 5:30ish and decided to check my email and responded to a sweet Thanksgiving email from Vizhier. Then I just lost my marbles and had to come back into bed with David around 6 and wake him up with my crying. Poor David. Seriously. He must think I am losing it but he never says so. He just hugs me till it passes and tells me he thinks it's "cute". Anyway, usually I'm just having a "moment" and then it passes. Sometimes I cry because I hear an amazing song on the radio. Sometimes I see Abby doing something with our nanny and I get upset that it can't be me giggling with her outside on the swings. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and think this is hard and too much and too fast and what the hell??!?! I get so angry. Sometimes I am happy and overcome with appreciation to be alive and fighting cancer with a really strong little Peanut growing inside me. And then I get sad because I know he will be the last child I will be able to have. Definitely a mixed bag of heavy-weight emotions.
Below is the excerpt from Eve Ensler's speech that I couldn't have said better myself. It defines how I feel so eloquently. I read this and cry. And cry. And cry. This is me. This is how I feel.
I want to thank all of you for following me on this blog. Thank all of you for caring for me. Thank all of you for your emails, texts, calls, comments, facebook posts, and tweets. Thank you for the food, the rides, the company, the referrals, the advice, and the valuable time. It means the world to me.
I have been having a hard time with the thought of being grateful and thankful. I feel thankful but I'm also feeling ashamed. Ashamed and embarrassed to be so rich with friends and people who care about me. But why? I don't feel that special. Yet amazing, talented, wonderful people are taking the time, so much valued time, away from their schedules to do things for me. I am really thankful for my friends and supporters. They are making a huge difference in my life and I desperately need them.
Well, that being said, I've been crying a lot. Just randomly. Mainly because I am such a mixed bag of emotions, feeling good but feeling bad. Thanksgiving will do that to you, I suppose. I feel great to have awesome friends but so sad and frustrated that I have to be such a downer. I mean, let's face it. If I had a friend who had cancer, of any kind, while pregnant I think I'd be pretty bummed about it and I would probably think about them all the time (and maybe not know what to do to help). I know my friends feel that way and so I try to empathize. It is still hard to accept all the help even though I know I can't do this alone. This cancer and pregnancy thing is pretty fucking hard. Excuse the "french".
Poor David. He finds me randomly pouring my eyes out and he gets all worried. This morning I was up at 4AM with "to-do's" swimming in my head so I went into the other room to type them into my tasks on my blackberry. Then I laid in the other bed till about 5:30ish and decided to check my email and responded to a sweet Thanksgiving email from Vizhier. Then I just lost my marbles and had to come back into bed with David around 6 and wake him up with my crying. Poor David. Seriously. He must think I am losing it but he never says so. He just hugs me till it passes and tells me he thinks it's "cute". Anyway, usually I'm just having a "moment" and then it passes. Sometimes I cry because I hear an amazing song on the radio. Sometimes I see Abby doing something with our nanny and I get upset that it can't be me giggling with her outside on the swings. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and think this is hard and too much and too fast and what the hell??!?! I get so angry. Sometimes I am happy and overcome with appreciation to be alive and fighting cancer with a really strong little Peanut growing inside me. And then I get sad because I know he will be the last child I will be able to have. Definitely a mixed bag of heavy-weight emotions.
Below is the excerpt from Eve Ensler's speech that I couldn't have said better myself. It defines how I feel so eloquently. I read this and cry. And cry. And cry. This is me. This is how I feel.
I want to thank all of you for following me on this blog. Thank all of you for caring for me. Thank all of you for your emails, texts, calls, comments, facebook posts, and tweets. Thank you for the food, the rides, the company, the referrals, the advice, and the valuable time. It means the world to me.
Cancer stopped me
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth
It made me stay in one place
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
We are a go...
Sitting here at Tower waiting for the hydration to finish and just finished all the Chemo drugs...blood count was very "good"...hemoglobin was back up. I'm thinking it was that burger and fries so I've been sitting here debating with Piya, my lovely nurse today and Karen, my wonderful friend about it. They both agree that it was the burger. Plus Dr. Daly told me yesterday that I need to eat red meat twice a week until delivery because she's worried that I'm too anemic and the iron supplements are not working well enough. That being said I'm trying to decide if I'll have Apple Pan or Johnny Rockets for dinner tonight. I've got poison running through my veins so what's a little red meat, cheese and fried potatoes going to do??
I want to share this with you. Jennifer, Dr. Gordon's RN and lactation consultant told me about Eve Ensler's speech at the Women's Conference in Long Beach at the end of October. This is very moving and emotional. This will make you cry but it will make you feel empowered too. Empowered to change our world no matter your circumstance. If you have cancer or not you will understand.
Eve Ensler - author of I Am An Emotional Creature" and "The Vagina Monologues", Founder of V-Day
I want to share this with you. Jennifer, Dr. Gordon's RN and lactation consultant told me about Eve Ensler's speech at the Women's Conference in Long Beach at the end of October. This is very moving and emotional. This will make you cry but it will make you feel empowered too. Empowered to change our world no matter your circumstance. If you have cancer or not you will understand.
Eve Ensler - author of I Am An Emotional Creature" and "The Vagina Monologues", Founder of V-Day
I gave this speech on October 26 at The Women's Conference in Long Beach, CA.
It happens like this
The doctor walks towards me
His face is ashen
He says we have found something
It does not look good
There is a trap door in the seat of the waiting room
And I am falling
And as I fall I hear
The echo of him saying
Cat scan
As big as a mango
We can't be sure
This falling goes on for days
Even though I appear to be walking
And giving speeches and riding on airplanes
I am falling
As the new doctor at the new hospital
says it
says CANCER
As I wait to hear where it's coming from
And where it's gone
As I get pricked and probed and punctured
I am falling
As they first say it is not in my liver
And then later they can't be sure
Falling
Until they drug me and wheel me off
For nine hours
And when I wake up
I am in a new country
Nothing is familiar
Because the possibility of not dying
Is gone
Because I am now living in the land of the sick
Turns out my being a vegetarian-sober-nonsmoker-activist has not protected me at all
The doctor walks towards me
His face is ashen
He says we have found something
It does not look good
There is a trap door in the seat of the waiting room
And I am falling
And as I fall I hear
The echo of him saying
Cat scan
As big as a mango
We can't be sure
This falling goes on for days
Even though I appear to be walking
And giving speeches and riding on airplanes
I am falling
As the new doctor at the new hospital
says it
says CANCER
As I wait to hear where it's coming from
And where it's gone
As I get pricked and probed and punctured
I am falling
As they first say it is not in my liver
And then later they can't be sure
Falling
Until they drug me and wheel me off
For nine hours
And when I wake up
I am in a new country
Nothing is familiar
Because the possibility of not dying
Is gone
Because I am now living in the land of the sick
Turns out my being a vegetarian-sober-nonsmoker-activist has not protected me at all
The surgeon tells me he has done 1,000 operations and he has never seen anything like it
Then he uses the word fistula
And uterus
Then he uses the word fistula
And uterus
First thing I think of course is
Congo
I knew from the first time I went to Panzi hospital in Bukavu
I stood in the place that felt like an open barn
In the place where 200 women sat on benches
Their wounded heads
Their canes
Their sweat
The strong smell of pee and shit from their fistulae
From the holes their rapist pierced into their bodies, tearing them apart
I knew from that first moment
When I looked into their faces
And saw the crimes of this century burning in their eyes
500,000 raped women
500,000 vaginas violated
500,000 bodies massacred
500,000 wombs destroyed
I had no way to protect myself
From the hugeness of the atrocity
From the insanity of this disgrace
It rolled over me like a tsunami of pain and took me
Took me took me
I have never come back
And I never will
And I knew those women now owned me
Have me
There is no other place I could ever be
No other fight that is not this fight
It's in your uterus
The tumor of rape
That is wild across the world
The tumor of rape
That exchanges women's bodies for the price of a cell phone
Or gold or diamonds
Or anything that can be extracted and stolen from their land
The tumor of rape that began growing in me when I was only five and now has matured into something the size of a mango
That's what the doctor said
Which of course is the fruit of the Congo
The most delicious in the world
The women of Congo are in my body
First gift I realize -- I am not alone
I have imagined what it feels like to lose your uterus or your ovaries
And inside the emptiness of my missing womb
There is space
There is a hunger
To just be still
Cancer stopped me
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth
Congo
I knew from the first time I went to Panzi hospital in Bukavu
I stood in the place that felt like an open barn
In the place where 200 women sat on benches
Their wounded heads
Their canes
Their sweat
The strong smell of pee and shit from their fistulae
From the holes their rapist pierced into their bodies, tearing them apart
I knew from that first moment
When I looked into their faces
And saw the crimes of this century burning in their eyes
500,000 raped women
500,000 vaginas violated
500,000 bodies massacred
500,000 wombs destroyed
I had no way to protect myself
From the hugeness of the atrocity
From the insanity of this disgrace
It rolled over me like a tsunami of pain and took me
Took me took me
I have never come back
And I never will
And I knew those women now owned me
Have me
There is no other place I could ever be
No other fight that is not this fight
It's in your uterus
The tumor of rape
That is wild across the world
The tumor of rape
That exchanges women's bodies for the price of a cell phone
Or gold or diamonds
Or anything that can be extracted and stolen from their land
The tumor of rape that began growing in me when I was only five and now has matured into something the size of a mango
That's what the doctor said
Which of course is the fruit of the Congo
The most delicious in the world
The women of Congo are in my body
First gift I realize -- I am not alone
I have imagined what it feels like to lose your uterus or your ovaries
And inside the emptiness of my missing womb
There is space
There is a hunger
To just be still
Cancer stopped me
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth
It made me stay in one place
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve
And I know that chemo can be a metaphor
As well as a physical treatment
And that the poison is not meant for me
But the cancer
The perpetrators
The rapists
And it's okay to imagine them dead, mutilated and destroyed
Because we need an outlet for our rage
I know that after I was battered for years by my father and raped by him I held his badness, as if it were my own
And that the surgery finally removed it
And the chemo burned it off
And I know that no one will ever again
Convince me I am bad
Nor will I tolerate being undermined
And undone
I know that the abscess that grew around my wound
After the operation
The 16 ounces of puss
Became the contaminated Gulf of Mexico
And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication made me scream the way the earth cries out from the drilling
As well as a physical treatment
And that the poison is not meant for me
But the cancer
The perpetrators
The rapists
And it's okay to imagine them dead, mutilated and destroyed
Because we need an outlet for our rage
I know that after I was battered for years by my father and raped by him I held his badness, as if it were my own
And that the surgery finally removed it
And the chemo burned it off
And I know that no one will ever again
Convince me I am bad
Nor will I tolerate being undermined
And undone
I know that the abscess that grew around my wound
After the operation
The 16 ounces of puss
Became the contaminated Gulf of Mexico
And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication made me scream the way the earth cries out from the drilling
I know that everything is connected
And the scar that runs the length of my torso is the markings of an earthquake
And I am there with the 3 million
Who are living in the streets of Port au Prince
And the fire that burns in me on day 3 through 6 of treatment is the fire that is burning the forests of so much of the world
And the scar that runs the length of my torso is the markings of an earthquake
And I am there with the 3 million
Who are living in the streets of Port au Prince
And the fire that burns in me on day 3 through 6 of treatment is the fire that is burning the forests of so much of the world
Cancer made it clear
That time is short
That time is short
And we must decide
If we devote ourselves to wrestling power inside the crumbling walls of patriarchy
or
If we are ready and brave enough to build the new world
And after searching for so many years to figure out what we are doing here
I finally get that we are being alive
Alive
Alive
And there must be time to linger
And time to enjoy
And time to remember
And time for nothing
And everything is precious
The Indian sari curtains glittering in late summer sun
The man petting his ugly dog in the park
The morning fog
The coconut popsicle
And I know that avoiding suffering is impossible
If we devote ourselves to wrestling power inside the crumbling walls of patriarchy
or
If we are ready and brave enough to build the new world
And after searching for so many years to figure out what we are doing here
I finally get that we are being alive
Alive
Alive
And there must be time to linger
And time to enjoy
And time to remember
And time for nothing
And everything is precious
The Indian sari curtains glittering in late summer sun
The man petting his ugly dog in the park
The morning fog
The coconut popsicle
And I know that avoiding suffering is impossible
Stop defending against what is being done
Stop pretending you don't see the ragged man with his arm outstretched
Or hearing the cries of the earth being slaughtered
Or rationalizing the immoral war being fought in your name
Or finding ways to let famous rapists off the hook
Stop spending 900 billion dollars on unjust wars
While 30 million Americans are unemployed
Or justifying one genocide by another
Or burying your own story because you think you can't bear how much it hurts
Stop pretending you don't see the ragged man with his arm outstretched
Or hearing the cries of the earth being slaughtered
Or rationalizing the immoral war being fought in your name
Or finding ways to let famous rapists off the hook
Stop spending 900 billion dollars on unjust wars
While 30 million Americans are unemployed
Or justifying one genocide by another
Or burying your own story because you think you can't bear how much it hurts
Dying is the only way of being born
My cancer is blessedly gone now
My hair is growing back
I have a scar
A warrior track that runs down
My 57-year-old body
Each time I look at it I am reminded that I was opened up in order to remove the darkness
I was laid bare in order to be free of the pain
I surrendered in order to find my power
Each time I see my scar
I am reminded that I was lucky
That I had insurance
That I could afford the most extraordinary and loving surgeons and doctors
That I was surrounded by an embarrassment of love and friends and family who bought me soup and presents
And rubbed my feet and made me eggs at 6 in the morning when I was ready to throw up
I am reminded that I mattered
And because of that I recovered
I know that every single person deserves this attention
Every single person
And so my scar has become a permanent tattoo
Calling for inclusion and joy
I know that what truly kept me alive is the women of Congo
Whenever I grew despondent
Or sorry for myself
I would think of the women and girls
Who still dance after 6 million
Of their brothers and sisters have perished from the earth
My hair is growing back
I have a scar
A warrior track that runs down
My 57-year-old body
Each time I look at it I am reminded that I was opened up in order to remove the darkness
I was laid bare in order to be free of the pain
I surrendered in order to find my power
Each time I see my scar
I am reminded that I was lucky
That I had insurance
That I could afford the most extraordinary and loving surgeons and doctors
That I was surrounded by an embarrassment of love and friends and family who bought me soup and presents
And rubbed my feet and made me eggs at 6 in the morning when I was ready to throw up
I am reminded that I mattered
And because of that I recovered
I know that every single person deserves this attention
Every single person
And so my scar has become a permanent tattoo
Calling for inclusion and joy
I know that what truly kept me alive is the women of Congo
Whenever I grew despondent
Or sorry for myself
I would think of the women and girls
Who still dance after 6 million
Of their brothers and sisters have perished from the earth
Who still dance even after the international power elite has forsaken them for 13 years
Who dance now knowing that V-Day's City of Joy will open February 4th
And they will have their place, their fields
Their village to turn their pain to power
And become leaders in their world
How blessed I am to be forever linked with their destiny
I could not die
Simply until they were safe and free and running things
Who dance now knowing that V-Day's City of Joy will open February 4th
And they will have their place, their fields
Their village to turn their pain to power
And become leaders in their world
How blessed I am to be forever linked with their destiny
I could not die
Simply until they were safe and free and running things
I bow to the women of Congo and thank them for saving my life
Follow Eve Ensler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/vdayorg
Monday, November 22, 2010
Ruh-Roh Shaggy!
Saturday I woke up with a ton of energy and was feeling great. Sunday I woke up with zero energy. What gives? I can't figure out what the cycle or set of circumstances has to be to maintain the energy. Instead I have to just deal with what my body decides on any particular day. Also yesterday because I had no energy but was still trying to push myself I started having contractions. Ruh-roh...
When I saw Dr. Daly on Friday she told me I was doing too much. I needed to rest. My cervix is getting thinner and he's starting to drop lower. So starting yesterday all I did was rest (Saturday I still did some stuff but not TOO much). I was in bed most of the day Sunday except for a nice breakfast out with friends (Abby's BFF Harper plus Harper's mommy and daddy). These contractions were really worrying me. Dr. Daly said the contractions don't count after changing positions or using the restroom. Not counting those, the other contractions just kept coming and I couldn't get comfortable. I went to bed around 6:30 last night. I was still waking up with them here and there but less frequent. Today I've only had one or two. I decided to wear a pregnancy support band and that seems to be helping. Hopefully I'm not squishing Peanut too much though. That freaks me out. That being said, I need to keep him in the womb so that I can get this last round of Chemo tomorrow and still have at least 2 weeks to recover. Two weeks or more is the best case scenario so that all the Chemo has left my system and breast ducts and so my blood counts are back up. Fingers crossed!!
Had two nanny candidate trials Friday and Saturday. Both were fantastic. Ultimately, we hired the Saturday one. She had this really calming presence about her yet she is fiercely skilled. Abby liked her and didn't cling to my leg like does when she's not sure of someone. Great cook and very comfortable in the kitchen (she made us french toast in the morning and chicken albondigas soup and spanish rice for dinner; we were in heaven). I left her for about 15 minutes to do something and when I came back she had started organizing Abby's drawers on her own initiative (which as you know from my previous posts, organization is something I am obsessed with...). Love her. She'll start next week.
Feng Shui consultant, Laura (thank you Peir), came in this morning to scope out the house and give us suggestions. I really connected to a lot of what she was telling me. Simple suggestions and thankfully there aren't a lot of things that would need to be remedied at a large cost. Get rid of clutter (particularly in our garage which has REALLY been bothering me for a long time - ties into the idea of in order to receive you must also continually give), only keep things in your house that you love; that means furniture, knick knacks, artwork, photos, etc. should all be those that make you happy. Don't hang on to things just because they have some perceived value. One thing she was a big supporter of is keeping the home environment, particularly the air, clean. That translates to natural cleaning products, if you can't do your own solutions of baking soda, vinegar and water then buy seventh generation products for convenience. Same thing both Sharon and Dr. Gordon were telling me on two different occasions. Our health isn't just about what we put into our bodies with food and drink but what's in our home environments. Pollutants in the air, etc. He said you should be able to go under your sink and be able to drink anything under there. Some people may think this is very radical thinking. To me it seems like the closer we get back to nature and natural things the better our lives will be. Back to simpler times. Farming for sustenance not abundance. No chemicals. No pesticides. No hormones. No processed foods. No excess. America is all about excess. I'm guilty of that myself.
Anyway, enough of that "preachy" stuff or that Sarah Palin would call "hopey, changey" stuff. I do think it makes sense to continually self-evaluate my life and make changes where necessary. Cancer changes your life. It makes you scrutinize everything inside and outside.
Art came back today. Woo hoo. Abby's oil painting (of herself) for her room, as I told Kristen, it just isn't too early to encourage self-love in my opinion. Ha ha. The Disney cells for Peanut's room and....the diplomas. Kristen saw the USC one and said "WOW, that really is yellow. Maybe he really graduated in 1972?" Too funny. He'd be a real Doogie Howser, MD in that case.
Got some messages that I have to coordinate with for milk donations! Very exciting.
I'm lying in bed while typing this. I'm on modified bed rest. Chemo tomorrow and Karen is picking me up which I am happy about. She's my fellow SIDS mom and we've helped each other through a lot. I still think that losing a child is worse than fighting cancer but I digress. Hydration Wednesday and then Turkey day. We're being anonymous and going to the JC Beach Club. I just wanted to eat good food and not talk about anything with anyone. I know that's selfish but I don't want people looking at me with pity, even with the best of intentions and care, and asking "so how ARE you?" I just want to be mellow, eat good food and not have conversations on a day where I am supposed to be counting my many blessings. Yes, I do have things to be thankful for, many wonderful people and things, but I don't want to think too hard about any of it. I just want to rest.
When I saw Dr. Daly on Friday she told me I was doing too much. I needed to rest. My cervix is getting thinner and he's starting to drop lower. So starting yesterday all I did was rest (Saturday I still did some stuff but not TOO much). I was in bed most of the day Sunday except for a nice breakfast out with friends (Abby's BFF Harper plus Harper's mommy and daddy). These contractions were really worrying me. Dr. Daly said the contractions don't count after changing positions or using the restroom. Not counting those, the other contractions just kept coming and I couldn't get comfortable. I went to bed around 6:30 last night. I was still waking up with them here and there but less frequent. Today I've only had one or two. I decided to wear a pregnancy support band and that seems to be helping. Hopefully I'm not squishing Peanut too much though. That freaks me out. That being said, I need to keep him in the womb so that I can get this last round of Chemo tomorrow and still have at least 2 weeks to recover. Two weeks or more is the best case scenario so that all the Chemo has left my system and breast ducts and so my blood counts are back up. Fingers crossed!!
Had two nanny candidate trials Friday and Saturday. Both were fantastic. Ultimately, we hired the Saturday one. She had this really calming presence about her yet she is fiercely skilled. Abby liked her and didn't cling to my leg like does when she's not sure of someone. Great cook and very comfortable in the kitchen (she made us french toast in the morning and chicken albondigas soup and spanish rice for dinner; we were in heaven). I left her for about 15 minutes to do something and when I came back she had started organizing Abby's drawers on her own initiative (which as you know from my previous posts, organization is something I am obsessed with...). Love her. She'll start next week.
Feng Shui consultant, Laura (thank you Peir), came in this morning to scope out the house and give us suggestions. I really connected to a lot of what she was telling me. Simple suggestions and thankfully there aren't a lot of things that would need to be remedied at a large cost. Get rid of clutter (particularly in our garage which has REALLY been bothering me for a long time - ties into the idea of in order to receive you must also continually give), only keep things in your house that you love; that means furniture, knick knacks, artwork, photos, etc. should all be those that make you happy. Don't hang on to things just because they have some perceived value. One thing she was a big supporter of is keeping the home environment, particularly the air, clean. That translates to natural cleaning products, if you can't do your own solutions of baking soda, vinegar and water then buy seventh generation products for convenience. Same thing both Sharon and Dr. Gordon were telling me on two different occasions. Our health isn't just about what we put into our bodies with food and drink but what's in our home environments. Pollutants in the air, etc. He said you should be able to go under your sink and be able to drink anything under there. Some people may think this is very radical thinking. To me it seems like the closer we get back to nature and natural things the better our lives will be. Back to simpler times. Farming for sustenance not abundance. No chemicals. No pesticides. No hormones. No processed foods. No excess. America is all about excess. I'm guilty of that myself.
Anyway, enough of that "preachy" stuff or that Sarah Palin would call "hopey, changey" stuff. I do think it makes sense to continually self-evaluate my life and make changes where necessary. Cancer changes your life. It makes you scrutinize everything inside and outside.
Art came back today. Woo hoo. Abby's oil painting (of herself) for her room, as I told Kristen, it just isn't too early to encourage self-love in my opinion. Ha ha. The Disney cells for Peanut's room and....the diplomas. Kristen saw the USC one and said "WOW, that really is yellow. Maybe he really graduated in 1972?" Too funny. He'd be a real Doogie Howser, MD in that case.
Got some messages that I have to coordinate with for milk donations! Very exciting.
I'm lying in bed while typing this. I'm on modified bed rest. Chemo tomorrow and Karen is picking me up which I am happy about. She's my fellow SIDS mom and we've helped each other through a lot. I still think that losing a child is worse than fighting cancer but I digress. Hydration Wednesday and then Turkey day. We're being anonymous and going to the JC Beach Club. I just wanted to eat good food and not talk about anything with anyone. I know that's selfish but I don't want people looking at me with pity, even with the best of intentions and care, and asking "so how ARE you?" I just want to be mellow, eat good food and not have conversations on a day where I am supposed to be counting my many blessings. Yes, I do have things to be thankful for, many wonderful people and things, but I don't want to think too hard about any of it. I just want to rest.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Wonderful things...
This has been a full week but many nice things have happened.
I finally met Annie (thank you Deena), a beautiful mother of two boys who is another "pregnant with breast cancer" survivor. Her story is very inspirational. She drove up here to see me from Newport! She is an eight year survivor with two recurrences but is now completely cancer free. The incredible strength of the survivors I have met really keeps me going. Annie had just moved to Newport Beach with her husband and 7 year old son from New York and just like me thought she had a blocked milk duct while pregnant with her second child. They were living in a hotel. She TOOK A TAXI to her mastectomy which she had to endure while AWAKE. Awake. I can't get over it. Then she did all the treatment during and after pregnancy to get better. Her tumor was ER+ just like mine. AND she has no family history, breastfed her son for three years, was a vegetarian, didn't touch alcohol, she was incredibly healthy and this still happened. We both can't figure out why. Why her? Why me? Thank you Annie for coming to see me. Abby loved Annie. Annie is good people and Abby knew it. She kept taking her hand and leading her all over the house. Too cute.
I'm getting a little more energy which is a good sign because it means I should be a "go" for next week's Chemo. My LAST session of FEC-100 before the baby is born and my big break to recover and bond with Peanut. As I've stated before I'm not in a rush to have him yet for the variety of reasons but I am also very much looking forward to meeting him. My precious little Peanut.
OMG. So I thought we were settled on a name and then David comes home after a week in Vegas and pushes that name to the middle name. Oy. We'll see what happens because at this point I'm settled on the name and I've been calling the baby that and it's stuck... Ha ha. Want a hint? :)
I promised Ann I would rest starting November 1st. Ugh. I haven't done it enough still. I'm a little less crazy than I was before but still not resting enough. And Sue is lovingly on my case about it too. They are both right. I DO NEED TO REST. When I get up I feel like the baby is pressuring down and we all know that I need to keep him in there. The only way to do that is to rest. I'll try scheduling that in...
I met Dr. Jay Gordon yesterday and all his wonderful staff including Jennifer, his lactation consultant. Both were fabulous. I had actually spoken with Jennifer when the twins were born since I didn't think I was producing enough milk. Nice to put a face with the name. Then it turns out that Dr. Gordon's wife Meyera I know since they were our neighbors when we lived in Santa Monica while we built this pig of a house. I always went over there with Charlie for doggy play dates. Small world. He and Myra had sent me a touching card when Ben passed away. I never forgot that. Anyway, had a nice conversation with him and I know that even though he's going to be more dough he is going to be a very strong advocate for Peanut and Abby. This is what I need to give me some peace of mind. I can reach him my email and by cell anytime, day or night, any day of the week.
Dolores from Dr. Daly's office called to apologize for the rude phone call I got. I am to ignore the bills just like Dr. Daly said and anything we get from insurance endorse over to the office. Sounds generous and more than fair to me considering how much work Dr. Daly is doing. Beazy is a super star.
THINGS TO DO:
Today - WBT class with Abby (finally...haven't gone all session); check up and ultrasound with Dr. Daly, Harry Potter with Ashley, Shabbat Shalom, Dinner with David and Abby
Next week-
Mail in 3 other preschool applications
REST
Call the Moyel for Peanut's Bris
REST
Mani/pedi and lunch or tea with Kristen (birthday girl) this weekend
REST
Hire the second nanny
REST
Get in research mode on the plastic surgeon (will be next major goal after hiring the nanny)
REST
Fill out super lengthy questionnaire from the Block Center for a consult with Dr. Block
REST
Chemo, 4th round and hydration
REST
Pick up art, diplomas from framers (very excited about this)
REST
Eat turkey with cranberry sauce
REST
I finally met Annie (thank you Deena), a beautiful mother of two boys who is another "pregnant with breast cancer" survivor. Her story is very inspirational. She drove up here to see me from Newport! She is an eight year survivor with two recurrences but is now completely cancer free. The incredible strength of the survivors I have met really keeps me going. Annie had just moved to Newport Beach with her husband and 7 year old son from New York and just like me thought she had a blocked milk duct while pregnant with her second child. They were living in a hotel. She TOOK A TAXI to her mastectomy which she had to endure while AWAKE. Awake. I can't get over it. Then she did all the treatment during and after pregnancy to get better. Her tumor was ER+ just like mine. AND she has no family history, breastfed her son for three years, was a vegetarian, didn't touch alcohol, she was incredibly healthy and this still happened. We both can't figure out why. Why her? Why me? Thank you Annie for coming to see me. Abby loved Annie. Annie is good people and Abby knew it. She kept taking her hand and leading her all over the house. Too cute.
I'm getting a little more energy which is a good sign because it means I should be a "go" for next week's Chemo. My LAST session of FEC-100 before the baby is born and my big break to recover and bond with Peanut. As I've stated before I'm not in a rush to have him yet for the variety of reasons but I am also very much looking forward to meeting him. My precious little Peanut.
OMG. So I thought we were settled on a name and then David comes home after a week in Vegas and pushes that name to the middle name. Oy. We'll see what happens because at this point I'm settled on the name and I've been calling the baby that and it's stuck... Ha ha. Want a hint? :)
I promised Ann I would rest starting November 1st. Ugh. I haven't done it enough still. I'm a little less crazy than I was before but still not resting enough. And Sue is lovingly on my case about it too. They are both right. I DO NEED TO REST. When I get up I feel like the baby is pressuring down and we all know that I need to keep him in there. The only way to do that is to rest. I'll try scheduling that in...
I met Dr. Jay Gordon yesterday and all his wonderful staff including Jennifer, his lactation consultant. Both were fabulous. I had actually spoken with Jennifer when the twins were born since I didn't think I was producing enough milk. Nice to put a face with the name. Then it turns out that Dr. Gordon's wife Meyera I know since they were our neighbors when we lived in Santa Monica while we built this pig of a house. I always went over there with Charlie for doggy play dates. Small world. He and Myra had sent me a touching card when Ben passed away. I never forgot that. Anyway, had a nice conversation with him and I know that even though he's going to be more dough he is going to be a very strong advocate for Peanut and Abby. This is what I need to give me some peace of mind. I can reach him my email and by cell anytime, day or night, any day of the week.
Dolores from Dr. Daly's office called to apologize for the rude phone call I got. I am to ignore the bills just like Dr. Daly said and anything we get from insurance endorse over to the office. Sounds generous and more than fair to me considering how much work Dr. Daly is doing. Beazy is a super star.
THINGS TO DO:
Today - WBT class with Abby (finally...haven't gone all session); check up and ultrasound with Dr. Daly, Harry Potter with Ashley, Shabbat Shalom, Dinner with David and Abby
Next week-
Mail in 3 other preschool applications
REST
Finalize baby's nursery with Sue
RESTCall the Moyel for Peanut's Bris
REST
Mani/pedi and lunch or tea with Kristen (birthday girl) this weekend
REST
Hire the second nanny
REST
Get in research mode on the plastic surgeon (will be next major goal after hiring the nanny)
REST
Fill out super lengthy questionnaire from the Block Center for a consult with Dr. Block
REST
Chemo, 4th round and hydration
REST
Pick up art, diplomas from framers (very excited about this)
REST
Eat turkey with cranberry sauce
REST
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Other updates...
I'm still trying to wrap my arms around the breastfeeding, donor breast milk situation. A wonderful friend Lindsay has volunteered to contact the organizations for me. The Milkin' Mamas group in Huntington Beach will not donate milk to me since they only help preemie babies in the NICU. I understand that. They did refer her to milkshare.com and milkmatch.org.
Contacted Wendy Halderman at the Pump Station. She called me yesterday and agreed with milkshare.com as a good place. She refers her moms with extra milk to donate there. Wish I had known that last year when I realized after pumping a ton of breast milk that Abby wouldn't take from a bottle, oh no, just fresh from Momma. I dumped a ton of frozen breast milk. How rude. Anyway, so I'm signed up for both sites and have already posted on milkshare.com. Not sure how I really feel about it since I won't personally know any of the donors and would therefore have to get it all tested before use. The donor mothers also have to be tested for HIV and it's a bit awkward to ask people that don't you think?
But alas, some great news. I contacted the San Jose Milk Bank (thank you Nina for the referral!) and they are the only LICENSED milk bank in California. They've been in operation for 36 years and are a non-profit. The milk is pasteurized, tested and confirmed healthy and clean. It comes in 4 oz. glass bottles and is $3/oz plus shipping. All I need is a prescription from our pediatrician. I would have to call our insurance company to check on potential coverage (which may be possible). This sounds like the best option of all (except of course for all my mommy friends who have already told me they will try to pump for Peanut as well). After I explained my situation to the lovely woman, Pauline, over the phone she said I definitely qualify and that Peanut would be considered a high priority. Yeah!! Also, she didn't have great things to see about milkshare and milkmatch because in order to pass along breast milk you are supposed to be licensed to do so...
I have also been corresponding more with Dr. Jack Newman, the breastfeeding guru in Canada some more. He assures me that I can breastfeed because estrogen is suppressed while breastfeeding (although he isn't sure that helps fight the cancer but is still an endorsement to feed nonetheless). He also assures me that even during the scans, but NOT once Chemo has resumed, I should be able to feed depending on the type of contrast and dyes that are used.
I am also shopping for a new pediatrician. Dr. Sachs has those weird comments that I can't get over. He's always quick in the exam rooms too (at first I liked this because we could get in and out easily and not stick around) but after reading Dr. Brazelton's book "Touchpoints" I am not convinced that quick visits and vaccine shots given with one foot out the door is the most nurturing method of pediatric medicine...
Also continued with nanny interviews. I met two candidates I really like from one of the agencies. Two more tonight and then I think I will just hire someone. Funny thing is that Abby is starting to like Agnes a bit more. Still wants mommy first but that's understandable!! I'll probably keep her in the mix for weekends or extra hours. Good to have a cadre of help on call... Now I have to expand on my work list of Nanny duties (this is a document with multiple tasks on it that I created for Roxana - now it will have to encompass much more since I won't be doing much). The difficult part is managing a bunch of people. This new nanny will have to have more authority to function similar to how I do making sure that everyone is doing their part. Last think I need is conflicting personalities and having to deal with personnel issues...
Monday was a disaster for me. I started having these hard contractions. But there were also a lot of people in the house. Elizabeth, Agnes, Abby and Grammy Sue. We got a lot of things done but I over did it, hence the contractions. Everyone wants to be helpful but that also means I have to provide direction and that requires energy too. I ended up sorting through piles of Abby's clothes, organizing the closet in the gym that had way too much stuff in it, organized items for Goodwill, had Agnes drop off baby clothes to Jeanne's house and then the stuff at goodwill. Chef Jason was here thankfully to whip up some good food. Then Mr. Babyproofer showed up and had to do his thing. So I was up and down the stairs in the gym, up and down the stairs to the bedrooms, back and forth and everywhere in between. It was a tiring day and I don't think I got a nap in. Plus, David isn't home so I had to get Abby's dinner ready, battle with her a bit to get upstairs, then bathe her (which I normally don't do since it's awkward with the port and the belly leaning into her tub) then get her into bed. I'm pretty sure I went to bed early that night and might have forgot to brush my teeth...ugh.
Yesterday didn't do much. Thankfully. Two more potential nannies were interviewed and Abby had a play date with Francesca. Today, trying not to do much either.
Annoyed!! I just got a call from someone named Stacy at Dr. Daly's office asking for a "substantial payment"....EXCUSE ME?!?!? And with a major attitude about it. Seriously!?!? I told her to talk to Dr. Daly about it since I've already paid $7,500 out of pocket and Dr. Daly told me not to make any more payments. She then says "Well, then I need to get what your insurance company has sent you"...I tell her I've probably received about 30 cents from our insurance company but I'm happy to give it to her. In the meantime I told her to talk to Dr. Daly. So unbelievably rude. Dr. Daly is the one requiring weekly monitoring...not even Dr. Tabsh had me do that with twins. Pfffft.
Contacted Wendy Halderman at the Pump Station. She called me yesterday and agreed with milkshare.com as a good place. She refers her moms with extra milk to donate there. Wish I had known that last year when I realized after pumping a ton of breast milk that Abby wouldn't take from a bottle, oh no, just fresh from Momma. I dumped a ton of frozen breast milk. How rude. Anyway, so I'm signed up for both sites and have already posted on milkshare.com. Not sure how I really feel about it since I won't personally know any of the donors and would therefore have to get it all tested before use. The donor mothers also have to be tested for HIV and it's a bit awkward to ask people that don't you think?
But alas, some great news. I contacted the San Jose Milk Bank (thank you Nina for the referral!) and they are the only LICENSED milk bank in California. They've been in operation for 36 years and are a non-profit. The milk is pasteurized, tested and confirmed healthy and clean. It comes in 4 oz. glass bottles and is $3/oz plus shipping. All I need is a prescription from our pediatrician. I would have to call our insurance company to check on potential coverage (which may be possible). This sounds like the best option of all (except of course for all my mommy friends who have already told me they will try to pump for Peanut as well). After I explained my situation to the lovely woman, Pauline, over the phone she said I definitely qualify and that Peanut would be considered a high priority. Yeah!! Also, she didn't have great things to see about milkshare and milkmatch because in order to pass along breast milk you are supposed to be licensed to do so...
I have also been corresponding more with Dr. Jack Newman, the breastfeeding guru in Canada some more. He assures me that I can breastfeed because estrogen is suppressed while breastfeeding (although he isn't sure that helps fight the cancer but is still an endorsement to feed nonetheless). He also assures me that even during the scans, but NOT once Chemo has resumed, I should be able to feed depending on the type of contrast and dyes that are used.
I am also shopping for a new pediatrician. Dr. Sachs has those weird comments that I can't get over. He's always quick in the exam rooms too (at first I liked this because we could get in and out easily and not stick around) but after reading Dr. Brazelton's book "Touchpoints" I am not convinced that quick visits and vaccine shots given with one foot out the door is the most nurturing method of pediatric medicine...
Also continued with nanny interviews. I met two candidates I really like from one of the agencies. Two more tonight and then I think I will just hire someone. Funny thing is that Abby is starting to like Agnes a bit more. Still wants mommy first but that's understandable!! I'll probably keep her in the mix for weekends or extra hours. Good to have a cadre of help on call... Now I have to expand on my work list of Nanny duties (this is a document with multiple tasks on it that I created for Roxana - now it will have to encompass much more since I won't be doing much). The difficult part is managing a bunch of people. This new nanny will have to have more authority to function similar to how I do making sure that everyone is doing their part. Last think I need is conflicting personalities and having to deal with personnel issues...
Monday was a disaster for me. I started having these hard contractions. But there were also a lot of people in the house. Elizabeth, Agnes, Abby and Grammy Sue. We got a lot of things done but I over did it, hence the contractions. Everyone wants to be helpful but that also means I have to provide direction and that requires energy too. I ended up sorting through piles of Abby's clothes, organizing the closet in the gym that had way too much stuff in it, organized items for Goodwill, had Agnes drop off baby clothes to Jeanne's house and then the stuff at goodwill. Chef Jason was here thankfully to whip up some good food. Then Mr. Babyproofer showed up and had to do his thing. So I was up and down the stairs in the gym, up and down the stairs to the bedrooms, back and forth and everywhere in between. It was a tiring day and I don't think I got a nap in. Plus, David isn't home so I had to get Abby's dinner ready, battle with her a bit to get upstairs, then bathe her (which I normally don't do since it's awkward with the port and the belly leaning into her tub) then get her into bed. I'm pretty sure I went to bed early that night and might have forgot to brush my teeth...ugh.
Yesterday didn't do much. Thankfully. Two more potential nannies were interviewed and Abby had a play date with Francesca. Today, trying not to do much either.
Annoyed!! I just got a call from someone named Stacy at Dr. Daly's office asking for a "substantial payment"....EXCUSE ME?!?!? And with a major attitude about it. Seriously!?!? I told her to talk to Dr. Daly about it since I've already paid $7,500 out of pocket and Dr. Daly told me not to make any more payments. She then says "Well, then I need to get what your insurance company has sent you"...I tell her I've probably received about 30 cents from our insurance company but I'm happy to give it to her. In the meantime I told her to talk to Dr. Daly. So unbelievably rude. Dr. Daly is the one requiring weekly monitoring...not even Dr. Tabsh had me do that with twins. Pfffft.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Slippery Slope
I have zero energy. That's why I haven't posted for a few days. I have about 3 energy spurts a day and those are spent dealing with Abby, the lovable little must-do-everything-myself-or-if-I-don't-get-my-way-will-scream-like-a-banshee-yet-must-explain-and-negotiate-everything-with-me-or-else princess. She really fatigues me but then I feel guilty when I'm not with her. The cycle is vicious. I am pushing myself so much these days. I have to. I am having a hard time letting "things" go. Stupid Type A and control freak personality, what a curse. It was very helpful before, now not so much.
Anyway, what's new? Saw Angela Thursday after talking to Dr. McAndrew on Wednesday night. My hemoglobin is the lowest it's been thus far in my treatment. She says it explains the fatigue. That my HGB is very low, low for a cancer patient and low for a pregnant woman, so doubly low for me which isn't great. No idea how to fix that. It's not like you can take a vitamin or supplement for that. Other than that I checked out fine. No mouth sores. No other issues. The other issue I mentioned was gone too. Angela looked at the Calendar and said she doesn't want me to have the baby until the week of December 13th (Abby's birthday)...Sure, I'll hold him in until then no problem. As if I could control it but YES....there is this timing issue. Will the baby want to come out? Will I get that last round of Chemo in? If I do and the baby decides to come early how my body handle it?
Forgot to mention I had seen Dr. Daly the previous day, Wednesday impromptu since she wanted to see me before I saw Dr. Tabsh on Friday. She said that Peanut looks and sounds great. My cervix isn't too soft and I'm not dilated at all yet so she didn't think I would have a problem keeping him in there until 36-37 weeks. I told Angela that and she kind of smiled and said, "OK, then just not before the 13th"... I'm sure it's because I look very big. The rest of me is small but my belly is rather large. Susan, the sonographer said I am carrying a large baby (he's still in the 78th percentile and tracking two weeks ahead) plus I have ample fluid so that means I carry big. Most people think I'm due any minute not in a month. Shocking, I know...but it's probably because I carried twins in there before that my uterus can handle it. I'm hoping to get to 37-38 weeks. The more I think about it the more stressed I get because babies are SO much easier when they are INSIDE the womb. Am I right? Once this baby comes then there's the crying, the feeding, the changing, the holding, and more plus the juggling and balancing a two year old's feelings in that whole mix. I'm not in a rush!!!
Slippery slope, the title of this post is due to my diet...As Lindsey told me yesterday, once you start to cheat it's just a slippery slope to keep doing it. True. BUT I have been craving a burger and fries for a month. Ask poor David and Kristen. I probably email them once a day asking for a burger and everyone keeps telling me no. I finally broke David down (even though, ahem, he had in-n-out for lunch on Wednesday) to go to the Apple Pan with me for a lunch date Friday. Seriously, when they say something is orgasmic, that is what it was. Hickory burger with cheese and fries. Went down so smooth. PLUS we shared coconut cream pie and chocolate cream pie. HEAVENLY! The weirdest thing is that I have been having bad heart burn lately. We walked out of there and David wanted one of my tums but I felt so amazing I didn't need anything. Doubly odd is that my heartburn isn't as bad as it was since eating that burger. Thank you Apple Pan. I love you.
Friday after my burger and a nap I went to see Dr. Tabsh for my ultrasound. As I've stated already, Peanut is 78th percentile which means he is tracking 2 weeks ahead. He said that he already weighs 5lbs 9ozs. That freaked me out a bit... When Dr. Tabsh walked in he looked at me funny and said "what did you do to your hair?" --I was wearing my Piny wig and all the nurses liked it.... I told him it was a wig and he said, let me see your head. I took it off and he said "you have a nice head, you look better without the wig"! I kept it off the rest of the ultrasound. Here are some tidbits from Dr. Tabsh. For the second time he told me to go with Dr. Guiliano for my surgery. He's simply the best he said. That didn't help since I am now having mixed feelings about Dr. Funk since she made that comment about not telling me the amount of cancerous-looking lymph nodes (more than 4 she said). Shouldn't it be my decision how to handle the news? Second, the baby is large and he was concerned it would come soon. I told him Dr. Daly wanted to me to see him again at 36 weeks and he laughed and said "Fine, come see me in 3 weeks if you are still pregnant". GREAT. Third, when I told him, no, reminded him that I was stage 3 and had more than 1 positive lymph node he had this pained looked of concern on his face. He didn't like that. He said it just didn't make sense. I was so healthy, so young, no family history, and for it to come on so sudden and so strong. Tell me about it. I told him I thought it was due to the fertility drugs and he said he didn't think so...but I told him my tumor was ER positive and grew so quickly within a few years and he seemed to buy my argument.
What else? Oh yeah, interviewed four candidates thus far in the nanny search. These people are all highly qualified, can cook, can manage more than one child, can manage a house. I want them to start yesterday. A few more interviews and then someone can get started by December 1st if not sooner. With the level of energy I have it will make a huge difference.
Will start this week with the plastic surgeon research and appointment making assuming I feel up to it. Going to meet Annie, another amazing pregnant with breast cancer survivor Tuesday which will be very nice. Even if we just sit and stare at each other for a while it will be so nice to meet her. Monday, Mr. Babyproofer is coming to finalize things in Peanut's room. The honeycomb blackout shades were installed on Friday and look great. Another box to check! Plumber has to come AGAIN this week. Contractor coming to reinstall those horribly alarming piercing door alarms for all those french doors leading to the pool. Abby can unlock and open doors now so we can't take a chance. Acupuncture Thursday. Dr. Daly again Friday. Feng Shui expert to come next Monday too. Next Tuesday will be round 4 of Chemo then hydration Wednesday. Everything is going by so quickly!!
Oh, we've decided on a name for the baby but I'm not going to tell you all just yet. SORRY!!! We're still finalizing it so probably won't announce it until he's born but this name in my head has just stuck and I've actually got David on board too... :)
Forgot to mention I had seen Dr. Daly the previous day, Wednesday impromptu since she wanted to see me before I saw Dr. Tabsh on Friday. She said that Peanut looks and sounds great. My cervix isn't too soft and I'm not dilated at all yet so she didn't think I would have a problem keeping him in there until 36-37 weeks. I told Angela that and she kind of smiled and said, "OK, then just not before the 13th"... I'm sure it's because I look very big. The rest of me is small but my belly is rather large. Susan, the sonographer said I am carrying a large baby (he's still in the 78th percentile and tracking two weeks ahead) plus I have ample fluid so that means I carry big. Most people think I'm due any minute not in a month. Shocking, I know...but it's probably because I carried twins in there before that my uterus can handle it. I'm hoping to get to 37-38 weeks. The more I think about it the more stressed I get because babies are SO much easier when they are INSIDE the womb. Am I right? Once this baby comes then there's the crying, the feeding, the changing, the holding, and more plus the juggling and balancing a two year old's feelings in that whole mix. I'm not in a rush!!!
Slippery slope, the title of this post is due to my diet...As Lindsey told me yesterday, once you start to cheat it's just a slippery slope to keep doing it. True. BUT I have been craving a burger and fries for a month. Ask poor David and Kristen. I probably email them once a day asking for a burger and everyone keeps telling me no. I finally broke David down (even though, ahem, he had in-n-out for lunch on Wednesday) to go to the Apple Pan with me for a lunch date Friday. Seriously, when they say something is orgasmic, that is what it was. Hickory burger with cheese and fries. Went down so smooth. PLUS we shared coconut cream pie and chocolate cream pie. HEAVENLY! The weirdest thing is that I have been having bad heart burn lately. We walked out of there and David wanted one of my tums but I felt so amazing I didn't need anything. Doubly odd is that my heartburn isn't as bad as it was since eating that burger. Thank you Apple Pan. I love you.
Friday after my burger and a nap I went to see Dr. Tabsh for my ultrasound. As I've stated already, Peanut is 78th percentile which means he is tracking 2 weeks ahead. He said that he already weighs 5lbs 9ozs. That freaked me out a bit... When Dr. Tabsh walked in he looked at me funny and said "what did you do to your hair?" --I was wearing my Piny wig and all the nurses liked it.... I told him it was a wig and he said, let me see your head. I took it off and he said "you have a nice head, you look better without the wig"! I kept it off the rest of the ultrasound. Here are some tidbits from Dr. Tabsh. For the second time he told me to go with Dr. Guiliano for my surgery. He's simply the best he said. That didn't help since I am now having mixed feelings about Dr. Funk since she made that comment about not telling me the amount of cancerous-looking lymph nodes (more than 4 she said). Shouldn't it be my decision how to handle the news? Second, the baby is large and he was concerned it would come soon. I told him Dr. Daly wanted to me to see him again at 36 weeks and he laughed and said "Fine, come see me in 3 weeks if you are still pregnant". GREAT. Third, when I told him, no, reminded him that I was stage 3 and had more than 1 positive lymph node he had this pained looked of concern on his face. He didn't like that. He said it just didn't make sense. I was so healthy, so young, no family history, and for it to come on so sudden and so strong. Tell me about it. I told him I thought it was due to the fertility drugs and he said he didn't think so...but I told him my tumor was ER positive and grew so quickly within a few years and he seemed to buy my argument.
What else? Oh yeah, interviewed four candidates thus far in the nanny search. These people are all highly qualified, can cook, can manage more than one child, can manage a house. I want them to start yesterday. A few more interviews and then someone can get started by December 1st if not sooner. With the level of energy I have it will make a huge difference.
Will start this week with the plastic surgeon research and appointment making assuming I feel up to it. Going to meet Annie, another amazing pregnant with breast cancer survivor Tuesday which will be very nice. Even if we just sit and stare at each other for a while it will be so nice to meet her. Monday, Mr. Babyproofer is coming to finalize things in Peanut's room. The honeycomb blackout shades were installed on Friday and look great. Another box to check! Plumber has to come AGAIN this week. Contractor coming to reinstall those horribly alarming piercing door alarms for all those french doors leading to the pool. Abby can unlock and open doors now so we can't take a chance. Acupuncture Thursday. Dr. Daly again Friday. Feng Shui expert to come next Monday too. Next Tuesday will be round 4 of Chemo then hydration Wednesday. Everything is going by so quickly!!
Oh, we've decided on a name for the baby but I'm not going to tell you all just yet. SORRY!!! We're still finalizing it so probably won't announce it until he's born but this name in my head has just stuck and I've actually got David on board too... :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Big Sigh of Relief
I finally talked to Dr. McAndrew last night just before bed. She had talked to Dr. Funk and she said that Kristi (Dr. Funk) was in error because she thought I was just about to receive my fourth round of Chemo and would already be able to tell the effects of the 3rd round. BUT I just had the 3rd round so it's still a little early. That being said, Dr. McAndrew is very optimistic she says about the results. She said that if I wasn't responding the tumor would be growing but instead it IS shrinking. She is happy with my current FEC-100 cocktail and with my progress. She is pleased with the lymph node reaction as well. She told me to just take a big deep breath.
The plan is still:
The plan is still:
- Continue with 4th round of Chemo (Thanksgiving week)
- Delivery after short Chemo break
- Recover from C-section and bond with Peanut for 3 weeks
- Peanut WILL get to be breastfed for at least a month by moi
- Scans and tests 3 weeks after delivery
- Start 2nd round of Chemo with the Taxol for 4 sessions
- After Taxol, lumpectomy, reduction, lift, tug, pull, etc.
- Radiation
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Cry me a river.
I just had a great cry in case anyone thought I was holding things in. (Grandma that means you :) Believe me I don't and I won't. It's 10:45 and I finally got Abby out of the house and off to the Park with Agnes. Agnes has great intentions but it's clear she doesn't have enough toddler experience. I am resolved because David and I talked last night and we are going to hire an additional full-time person rather than just a morning person. I wasn't thinking clearly when I decided to just get coverage for Abby but not for the baby. Who was going to be with the baby all day, me? And at the same time go to Chemo, Hydration, Acupuncture, the Hospital for scans and tests...etc. etc. Clearly that was a moment of pure Pregnancy or Chemo brain! But yesterday's news from Dr. Funk woke me up to the fact that I may not continue to have such a "tolerable" experience fighting cancer.
Anyway, now that I have some alone time I had time to read Sharon's blog. Scroll all the way down to "Just another Manic Monday" post. The entry was from right after she gave birth to Baron and had to start round 2 of Chemo with the more aggressive drug Taxol. I started crying reading about her struggle to want to be with her newborn, breastfeeding him for the last time, and then starting the more aggressive treatment. She's a very brave and courageous woman. She is my role model and I am very thankful to have her in my life. She was the first person I called when I got home from Dr. Funk yesterday so I could compare notes and ask questions. I'm happy that she is my go-to resource but sad for her that she went through this too.
Anyway, now that I have some alone time I had time to read Sharon's blog. Scroll all the way down to "Just another Manic Monday" post. The entry was from right after she gave birth to Baron and had to start round 2 of Chemo with the more aggressive drug Taxol. I started crying reading about her struggle to want to be with her newborn, breastfeeding him for the last time, and then starting the more aggressive treatment. She's a very brave and courageous woman. She is my role model and I am very thankful to have her in my life. She was the first person I called when I got home from Dr. Funk yesterday so I could compare notes and ask questions. I'm happy that she is my go-to resource but sad for her that she went through this too.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
News from Dr. Funk
I had my appointment with Dr. Funk today...this appointment was to measure my tumor and check my lymph nodes for reaction to the Chemo.
Thursday during Chemo while visiting with Joan, who always has me in stitches, I saw Dr. McAndrew. She did a physical exam and she felt that the tumor was shrinking. Err...maybe not her words but she said it "felt softer in places" and that she felt the edges were becoming more jagged...so on to the real measurement with Dr. Funk.
Anyway, got there today with Ashley, aka Dr. Pittman, and David. First she did the clinical exam (physical touch) and she felt that one side had definitely softened but that the other three edges, so to speak, she felt had stayed the same. Ugh. That was disappointing. So on to the ultrasound. She didn't seem to be overjoyed but just kept staring intently at the monitor. Click. Click. Print. More pressure. Point. Click. Print. Finally, she says she doesn't think the tumor has shrunk very much. The good news she explains is that the tissue does seem to be responding and breaking up around the edges but not enough to make her happy. On to measure the lymph nodes. She says that she remembered more than 4 nodes looking positive last time but didn't say anything at the time. Not sure whether to be upset by that but she did protect me from dwelling on the fact that my cancer could be Stage IV. I guess I'm thankful? Anyway, she notices that where there were larger wholly-black spherical cancer infected nodes there are now more oblong, more normal looking, white fat nodes. THAT is good news.
Overall she wants to talk to Dr. McAndrew but her concerns are not enough to tell me to abort Chemo and go immediately for surgery once the baby is delivered. She suggests that I may be on the low form of Chemotherapy and that post-delivery will go on the more gnarly Chemo. The current Chemo may be for containment and not geared for shrinkage. She asked if I was on Taxol. Apparently that is the stronger stuff. I know that I am not. My FEC-100 cocktail is probably the lowest, safest form for pregnancy. After she talks to Dr. McAndrew we will know how to go about the next stage of treatment. If I have the lumpectomy it will remove the tumor which would be the "marker" to determine how effective the treatment is. Determining whether the treatment is effective is tied to both tumor shrinkage and more importantly the killing of rogue cells traveling through my body. We want to make sure the cancer isn't anywhere else and that is tricky since we already know it's in my lymph nodes. This is where I take some comfort. We know that my lymph nodes are already responding to the Chemo. We have to hope that the stronger post-delivery cocktail will continue to shrink the nodes, shrink the tumor AND kill those rogue cells. Plus I have one more FEC-100 cycle before delivery too that will hopefully strenghthen the results.
My. Oh. My. I am having so many mixed emotions. It's good news (sort of) but not great news. I feel a bit defeated and let down. Fucking cancer. Fucking stupid huge 5.5cm tumor. You suck. I hate you!! Go away!!
Then I ask Dr. Funk her feeling on breastfeeding the new baby. She feels that it would be safe but that I should ask Dr. Tabsh about breastfeeding and whether it increases estrogen or not. Since my tumor is ER+ we shouldn't do anything to increase the production of estrogen. Ugh.
I am then immediately overwhelmed by the fact that I will have a newborn in about 5 weeks. While recovering from the 4th round of Chemo. While recovering from a C-section. While transitioning Abby to having a new baby in the house. I'll be undergoing a battery of scans and tests. Then I am going to go on the more aggresive Chemo drugs. I am imagining that the symptoms will be worse. Where I think I'm being so smart and doing fairly well now managing the FEC-100 cocktail who knows what the new cocktail will do. I'm imaging mouth sores, numb and tingling hands and feet, vomiting, nausea, and more all while I'm supposed to be bonding with our son. Fuck you cancer. Really, go screw yourself. You are messing everything up!!
Thursday during Chemo while visiting with Joan, who always has me in stitches, I saw Dr. McAndrew. She did a physical exam and she felt that the tumor was shrinking. Err...maybe not her words but she said it "felt softer in places" and that she felt the edges were becoming more jagged...so on to the real measurement with Dr. Funk.
Anyway, got there today with Ashley, aka Dr. Pittman, and David. First she did the clinical exam (physical touch) and she felt that one side had definitely softened but that the other three edges, so to speak, she felt had stayed the same. Ugh. That was disappointing. So on to the ultrasound. She didn't seem to be overjoyed but just kept staring intently at the monitor. Click. Click. Print. More pressure. Point. Click. Print. Finally, she says she doesn't think the tumor has shrunk very much. The good news she explains is that the tissue does seem to be responding and breaking up around the edges but not enough to make her happy. On to measure the lymph nodes. She says that she remembered more than 4 nodes looking positive last time but didn't say anything at the time. Not sure whether to be upset by that but she did protect me from dwelling on the fact that my cancer could be Stage IV. I guess I'm thankful? Anyway, she notices that where there were larger wholly-black spherical cancer infected nodes there are now more oblong, more normal looking, white fat nodes. THAT is good news.
Overall she wants to talk to Dr. McAndrew but her concerns are not enough to tell me to abort Chemo and go immediately for surgery once the baby is delivered. She suggests that I may be on the low form of Chemotherapy and that post-delivery will go on the more gnarly Chemo. The current Chemo may be for containment and not geared for shrinkage. She asked if I was on Taxol. Apparently that is the stronger stuff. I know that I am not. My FEC-100 cocktail is probably the lowest, safest form for pregnancy. After she talks to Dr. McAndrew we will know how to go about the next stage of treatment. If I have the lumpectomy it will remove the tumor which would be the "marker" to determine how effective the treatment is. Determining whether the treatment is effective is tied to both tumor shrinkage and more importantly the killing of rogue cells traveling through my body. We want to make sure the cancer isn't anywhere else and that is tricky since we already know it's in my lymph nodes. This is where I take some comfort. We know that my lymph nodes are already responding to the Chemo. We have to hope that the stronger post-delivery cocktail will continue to shrink the nodes, shrink the tumor AND kill those rogue cells. Plus I have one more FEC-100 cycle before delivery too that will hopefully strenghthen the results.
My. Oh. My. I am having so many mixed emotions. It's good news (sort of) but not great news. I feel a bit defeated and let down. Fucking cancer. Fucking stupid huge 5.5cm tumor. You suck. I hate you!! Go away!!
Then I ask Dr. Funk her feeling on breastfeeding the new baby. She feels that it would be safe but that I should ask Dr. Tabsh about breastfeeding and whether it increases estrogen or not. Since my tumor is ER+ we shouldn't do anything to increase the production of estrogen. Ugh.
I am then immediately overwhelmed by the fact that I will have a newborn in about 5 weeks. While recovering from the 4th round of Chemo. While recovering from a C-section. While transitioning Abby to having a new baby in the house. I'll be undergoing a battery of scans and tests. Then I am going to go on the more aggresive Chemo drugs. I am imagining that the symptoms will be worse. Where I think I'm being so smart and doing fairly well now managing the FEC-100 cocktail who knows what the new cocktail will do. I'm imaging mouth sores, numb and tingling hands and feet, vomiting, nausea, and more all while I'm supposed to be bonding with our son. Fuck you cancer. Really, go screw yourself. You are messing everything up!!
My Humps.
Imagine me, slick bald, hugely pregnant, blaring the Black Eye Peas song "My Humps" while I type this. Because as ironic as it is...the lyrics seem to work.
My lovely lady lumps
---
She's got me spendin'
Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
---
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Let's talk about the WORK shall we? As the preparation for Chemo was happening, the cleaning, the poking, the prodding...I just thought for a minute, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!" I don't want to do this. I shouldn't be doing this. I got angry. I got weepy. I felt panicked. Anxious about the pain. Anxious about possible side effects. Then the needle was inserted into my port and I calmed down. It was literally an instant where I just felt so vulnerable and weak. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. I am so not strong at times.
I have to find the purpose that makes me move forward. Thankfully I am pregnant so when I am having one of those down moments Peanut will kick me and wake me back up. Otherwise I do feel very alone at times. It's not possible to be with David all day. It's not possible for me to have enough energy to be with Abby all day. I am pretty much on my own to be alone with my thoughts. I have the feelings I am sure must be "normal" for all cancer patients. I DO want to sit there and feel sorry for myself. I DO want to lie in bed all day. I DO want to shrink away from reality. I DO want to have a huge pity party for myself and cry and cry and cry. Primarily I don't DO any of these things even though I want to. Sure, if it really came down to it I could have a good cry but instead I feel like it is wasted energy. I've always been a productive person and seriously, what's the use of tears at this point? Or feeling sorry for myself? Why should I feel sorry for myself? There are many things to be thankful for and THAT is what I must remember.
Back to the idea of work...this cancer is a lot of work. For me and everyone that cares about me. For me, the cancer is a crazy regime and routine and the constant fear of the unknown. For everyone that cares about me it is the same plus they are trying to figure out how best to help me even when I can't communicate what it is that I need. I think we're all doing the best we know how and that is all that we can do.
The reaction from the 3rd round of Chemo was tolerable. A couple new symptoms but still manageable. Sunday I was on the phone with Dr. Daly and Dr. McAndrew's office trying to figure out something for my latest symptom that I won't bore you with. Basically, Chemo does a number on your GI system. After getting a Rx and using an ointment I was fine. I also had to do the mouth rinse this time because I got the receding gum line issue (but not actual mouth sores) again.
It was nice to get away for the weekend. Extremely important and rewarding to check in with David and have some alone time. As much as I hate to say it I cherished my time away not having to be "momma"; to just enjoy being a selfish adult. Sleeping in. Getting pampered at the spa. Going for walks hand in hand by the water. Indulging "smartly" in delicious food. Generally, doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not having to negotiate, rationalize, or explain anything to an almost 2-year-old. It was a nice little vacation even if we probably spent the majority of the time talking about and looking at pictures of Abby!
My lovely lady lumps
---
She's got me spendin'
Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
---
What you gon' do wit all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Let's talk about the WORK shall we? As the preparation for Chemo was happening, the cleaning, the poking, the prodding...I just thought for a minute, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!" I don't want to do this. I shouldn't be doing this. I got angry. I got weepy. I felt panicked. Anxious about the pain. Anxious about possible side effects. Then the needle was inserted into my port and I calmed down. It was literally an instant where I just felt so vulnerable and weak. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. I am so not strong at times.
I have to find the purpose that makes me move forward. Thankfully I am pregnant so when I am having one of those down moments Peanut will kick me and wake me back up. Otherwise I do feel very alone at times. It's not possible to be with David all day. It's not possible for me to have enough energy to be with Abby all day. I am pretty much on my own to be alone with my thoughts. I have the feelings I am sure must be "normal" for all cancer patients. I DO want to sit there and feel sorry for myself. I DO want to lie in bed all day. I DO want to shrink away from reality. I DO want to have a huge pity party for myself and cry and cry and cry. Primarily I don't DO any of these things even though I want to. Sure, if it really came down to it I could have a good cry but instead I feel like it is wasted energy. I've always been a productive person and seriously, what's the use of tears at this point? Or feeling sorry for myself? Why should I feel sorry for myself? There are many things to be thankful for and THAT is what I must remember.
Back to the idea of work...this cancer is a lot of work. For me and everyone that cares about me. For me, the cancer is a crazy regime and routine and the constant fear of the unknown. For everyone that cares about me it is the same plus they are trying to figure out how best to help me even when I can't communicate what it is that I need. I think we're all doing the best we know how and that is all that we can do.
The reaction from the 3rd round of Chemo was tolerable. A couple new symptoms but still manageable. Sunday I was on the phone with Dr. Daly and Dr. McAndrew's office trying to figure out something for my latest symptom that I won't bore you with. Basically, Chemo does a number on your GI system. After getting a Rx and using an ointment I was fine. I also had to do the mouth rinse this time because I got the receding gum line issue (but not actual mouth sores) again.
It was nice to get away for the weekend. Extremely important and rewarding to check in with David and have some alone time. As much as I hate to say it I cherished my time away not having to be "momma"; to just enjoy being a selfish adult. Sleeping in. Getting pampered at the spa. Going for walks hand in hand by the water. Indulging "smartly" in delicious food. Generally, doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not having to negotiate, rationalize, or explain anything to an almost 2-year-old. It was a nice little vacation even if we probably spent the majority of the time talking about and looking at pictures of Abby!
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Funny Valentine
Tomorrow is our 6 year wedding anniversary. I married the most amazing man. I love him so much. Our wedding song was My Funny Valentine sung by Chet Baker and interpreted by our wedding singer from Vegas Joey Gian. We just sat here listening to it tonight after dinner here at Terranea on our anniversary get away. It is ironic how well that song fits us right now. I'm sitting here bald and we're both wearing David's boxers. Your looks are laughable. Un-photographable... Sorry for that visual everyone but we're just very comfortable sitting here relaxing in our bungalow. Very happy indeed!! I have much to be thankful for and I am focusing on that. A wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, another munchkin on the way, fighting cancer the best way I know how, supportive family and friends. Very much to be thankful for!! I am feeling rejuvenated already just being here for a few hours. Tomorrow breakfast, beach walk, manicure, pedicure, re-shave my head, lunch. massages, nap, dinner at Mar'Sel. We are missing our little Monkey but we both really need this mini vacation too.
My funny Valentine, sweet comic Valentine,
you make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable, un-photographable.
Yet, you're my favorite work of art.
Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
But don't change one HAIR for me, not if you care for me.
Stay little Valentine, stay!
Each day is Valentine's day.
Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
But please, don't change one hair for me, not if you care for me.
Stay little Valentine, stay!
Each day is Valentine´s day.
My funny Valentine, sweet comic Valentine,
you make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable, un-photographable.
Yet, you're my favorite work of art.
Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
But don't change one HAIR for me, not if you care for me.
Stay little Valentine, stay!
Each day is Valentine's day.
Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
But please, don't change one hair for me, not if you care for me.
Stay little Valentine, stay!
Each day is Valentine´s day.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Novelty
Today as I was talking to my friend Ursula I summarized that the "novelty" of my diagnosis was wearing off. When you are diagnosed with something like cancer you immediately go into survival mode. What should and can I do to survive? You research. You seek advice and counsel. You heed the advice you receive. You change your routine. You change your perspective. You do whatever you need to do to survive. You basically change your life. Because learning you have cancer changes your life. Changes your ideas for the future too. Everything changes and you feel a little out of control.
I am being very regimented about my diet, my supplements, my herbs, my port care, my acupuncture, my doctor appointments, my...everything. But I am getting really tired. This is what I mean about the novelty of the diagnosis wearing off. Sure, it could be the fact that I have no energy that is effecting my outlook on things. The baby is getting bigger and bigger and I am getting bigger too so it is harder to move about (just my belly is getting bigger, this diet has me maintaining a consistent weight). I'm sure it's the combo of being pregnant and undergoing Chemo that has me so zapped but it doesn't suit my personality at all. Since the novelty is wearing off and since I'm so tired it is getting easier for me to want to cheat on my diet, not take my vitamins or herbs and not take care of my port. It's a lot to deal with. It's a lot of maintenance and I was never a high maintenance girl. David, are you laughing at that?!?! Unless it was a big fancy event I never spent more than 20 minutes getting ready. Make-up was simple and so was my hair. I usually didn't do much of either. So now I really AM high maintenance!! Ugh, drives me nuts but I'm doing what I need to do, right?!?!?
Getting rounder means it is getting harder to spend time with Abby; since that basically means running around after her as she is literally resembling a wild chimpanzee more and more these days. I felt very sad the other day when I realized I can't spend more than half an hour at a time with her before I am just wiped out. I have to take breaks in between my time with her. That means I need lots of help around and have "staffed" the house appropriately. Regardless, I try to be around for her though even if that means I am just "in the room" while she plays with someone else. It's disheartening because I know she wants me to play with her and at times I can push myself to be up to the task. Lately I sing a lot of songs with her. Her favorites are itsy bitsy spider, she always requests "teeny, teeny" and "big, big" which are variations of the itsy bitsy spider where you disguise your voice high for "teeny" and very low for "big". She also loves "wheels on the bus", "around and around" and several others we've learned from her Brentwood Pres toddler class. The singing calms her down and entertains her and doesn't require too much energy on my part. Other than that I'm kind of useless for her. I make her lunch and do other behind the scene things but actually physically playing with her is difficult. Lately she gets so excited to see Roxana and Elizabeth. She still loves Mamma but she never use to really call for anyone else. All that's changing and I know it's a good thing for two reasons 1) cancer and 2) new baby but it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. It's sad and that is that. She's growing up. I'm doing what I can so that I can be there for her for many years to come. I'm hoping she'll still be just as attached.
On a side note Abby has discovered "fake crying". She will watch herself in the mirror while she "cries" and whines. She squishes up her nose and makes a rabbit face while projecting our her top teeth. It is quite a site. I have no idea how to deal with this new development. I don't want to encourage her too much so I am trying to ignore it when I know her "crying" isn't really serious. Oy. She is such a handful sometimes. Today was very challenging. Poor Agnes. Our new morning helper is trying very hard. She told me in her hungarian accent "she is very active girl, very active"...um yep. She's a monkey. Today she was on a terror. Since I am looking for excuses I am blaming the second molars. They must be coming in. She just got over a cold after last week so I'm hoping it isn't anything else. I kept saying how much I love the language and it has been very helpful yet it is also frustrating for her when she is telling me something with so much conviction and I just can't understand her! Poor baby. She gets very frustrated. Thank the Lord for Allison and Donna teaching me about how to help her communicate her feelings and emotions. A lot of the communication is providing helpful sentences like "yes, waiting is hard" and "I know, you're frustrated" and "that's hard to do, do you want help" etc. etc. So now at least she says "help" even though she's pulling something with all her might and gritting her teeth. That girl has got some will power and conviction. Don't tell her no or you'll regret it!!
I seriously don't understand this weather. It was super cold and rainy last week and now it is 90 degrees outside. We played by the pool this morning and I tanned my bald head. It was already 80 degrees at 8AM. How am I supposed to be wearing all these hats when it is this hot? And let me tell you nothing says cancer patient more than a baseball cap with no hair underneath. I'm hoping that as I tan my head the next few days it will look a little better and I can just go bald from now on. The frustrating thing is that my hair is growing. Why is that frustrating you ask? Well, because now I don't know if I should continue to keep is closely shaved or let it awkwardly grow out. There are still some desperate patches and that to me looks worse at the longer length. I also think my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning out. They are still there but I can tell a huge difference if I don't wear mascara and that also means I probably shouldn't wear any eye make up at all.
Art Gallery Services was here this morning. I got their name from Ann and they are fabulous. I've used them so many times. They did the family gallery wall with clustered antique frames which we affectionately call the "hall of shame". They've hung all the art in the house and they do it correctly. Abby's old wall art is now in Peanut's room. I got Abby some new art since I was redoing her bedroom and I asked the installer Luke if there was anything he could do to secure the art since it was above her crib and, of course, the answer was "no problem"... Some sticky tack and extra reinforcements later, she won't be pulling them from the wall. With her old art that I willy nilly hung up with some screws in the wall she ripped them down one nap time during a tirade. Good luck doing that now my little monkey!
We also had to redo the art in David's office and I decided to hang up my UC Berkeley diploma. Then I wondered where David's were...I found them in our photo files and decided that it was no longer acceptable to have them in a manila envelope. Men!! He's pretty busy though so I'm sure it slipped his mind. Anyway, I found both his USC and his Harvard MBA diplomas and decided to take them to be framed. I also found....very funny, both our sorority and fraternity plaques and decided to hang those too (albeit behind the office door so you only see them when the door is closed)... Poor David's USC diploma was becoming all yellow. At the framers we decided to use a more beige matte board so as not to call out the fact that it wasn't really supposed to be such a "dark" cream...I started laughing when I saw that he graduated in 1986. I was only ten. David did skip a few grades (but he is still 11 years older than me, shhhh don't tell) because he was a little smarty pants. Still I get immense pleasure when I think about what he and I were both doing in 1986. USC as an SAE frat boy back in the height of the crazy 80's. Seriously. It racks my brain.
Well, it's almost 10pm. Past my bedtime. Brentwood Pres class tomorrow in the morning then Chemo in the afternoon. Hopefully my counts are good despite the stupid flu shot. Oh yeah, Dr. Mao said I should've asked him about the flu shot. He would have advised against it. Now he tells me!!
I am being very regimented about my diet, my supplements, my herbs, my port care, my acupuncture, my doctor appointments, my...everything. But I am getting really tired. This is what I mean about the novelty of the diagnosis wearing off. Sure, it could be the fact that I have no energy that is effecting my outlook on things. The baby is getting bigger and bigger and I am getting bigger too so it is harder to move about (just my belly is getting bigger, this diet has me maintaining a consistent weight). I'm sure it's the combo of being pregnant and undergoing Chemo that has me so zapped but it doesn't suit my personality at all. Since the novelty is wearing off and since I'm so tired it is getting easier for me to want to cheat on my diet, not take my vitamins or herbs and not take care of my port. It's a lot to deal with. It's a lot of maintenance and I was never a high maintenance girl. David, are you laughing at that?!?! Unless it was a big fancy event I never spent more than 20 minutes getting ready. Make-up was simple and so was my hair. I usually didn't do much of either. So now I really AM high maintenance!! Ugh, drives me nuts but I'm doing what I need to do, right?!?!?
Getting rounder means it is getting harder to spend time with Abby; since that basically means running around after her as she is literally resembling a wild chimpanzee more and more these days. I felt very sad the other day when I realized I can't spend more than half an hour at a time with her before I am just wiped out. I have to take breaks in between my time with her. That means I need lots of help around and have "staffed" the house appropriately. Regardless, I try to be around for her though even if that means I am just "in the room" while she plays with someone else. It's disheartening because I know she wants me to play with her and at times I can push myself to be up to the task. Lately I sing a lot of songs with her. Her favorites are itsy bitsy spider, she always requests "teeny, teeny" and "big, big" which are variations of the itsy bitsy spider where you disguise your voice high for "teeny" and very low for "big". She also loves "wheels on the bus", "around and around" and several others we've learned from her Brentwood Pres toddler class. The singing calms her down and entertains her and doesn't require too much energy on my part. Other than that I'm kind of useless for her. I make her lunch and do other behind the scene things but actually physically playing with her is difficult. Lately she gets so excited to see Roxana and Elizabeth. She still loves Mamma but she never use to really call for anyone else. All that's changing and I know it's a good thing for two reasons 1) cancer and 2) new baby but it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. It's sad and that is that. She's growing up. I'm doing what I can so that I can be there for her for many years to come. I'm hoping she'll still be just as attached.
On a side note Abby has discovered "fake crying". She will watch herself in the mirror while she "cries" and whines. She squishes up her nose and makes a rabbit face while projecting our her top teeth. It is quite a site. I have no idea how to deal with this new development. I don't want to encourage her too much so I am trying to ignore it when I know her "crying" isn't really serious. Oy. She is such a handful sometimes. Today was very challenging. Poor Agnes. Our new morning helper is trying very hard. She told me in her hungarian accent "she is very active girl, very active"...um yep. She's a monkey. Today she was on a terror. Since I am looking for excuses I am blaming the second molars. They must be coming in. She just got over a cold after last week so I'm hoping it isn't anything else. I kept saying how much I love the language and it has been very helpful yet it is also frustrating for her when she is telling me something with so much conviction and I just can't understand her! Poor baby. She gets very frustrated. Thank the Lord for Allison and Donna teaching me about how to help her communicate her feelings and emotions. A lot of the communication is providing helpful sentences like "yes, waiting is hard" and "I know, you're frustrated" and "that's hard to do, do you want help" etc. etc. So now at least she says "help" even though she's pulling something with all her might and gritting her teeth. That girl has got some will power and conviction. Don't tell her no or you'll regret it!!
I seriously don't understand this weather. It was super cold and rainy last week and now it is 90 degrees outside. We played by the pool this morning and I tanned my bald head. It was already 80 degrees at 8AM. How am I supposed to be wearing all these hats when it is this hot? And let me tell you nothing says cancer patient more than a baseball cap with no hair underneath. I'm hoping that as I tan my head the next few days it will look a little better and I can just go bald from now on. The frustrating thing is that my hair is growing. Why is that frustrating you ask? Well, because now I don't know if I should continue to keep is closely shaved or let it awkwardly grow out. There are still some desperate patches and that to me looks worse at the longer length. I also think my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning out. They are still there but I can tell a huge difference if I don't wear mascara and that also means I probably shouldn't wear any eye make up at all.
Art Gallery Services was here this morning. I got their name from Ann and they are fabulous. I've used them so many times. They did the family gallery wall with clustered antique frames which we affectionately call the "hall of shame". They've hung all the art in the house and they do it correctly. Abby's old wall art is now in Peanut's room. I got Abby some new art since I was redoing her bedroom and I asked the installer Luke if there was anything he could do to secure the art since it was above her crib and, of course, the answer was "no problem"... Some sticky tack and extra reinforcements later, she won't be pulling them from the wall. With her old art that I willy nilly hung up with some screws in the wall she ripped them down one nap time during a tirade. Good luck doing that now my little monkey!
We also had to redo the art in David's office and I decided to hang up my UC Berkeley diploma. Then I wondered where David's were...I found them in our photo files and decided that it was no longer acceptable to have them in a manila envelope. Men!! He's pretty busy though so I'm sure it slipped his mind. Anyway, I found both his USC and his Harvard MBA diplomas and decided to take them to be framed. I also found....very funny, both our sorority and fraternity plaques and decided to hang those too (albeit behind the office door so you only see them when the door is closed)... Poor David's USC diploma was becoming all yellow. At the framers we decided to use a more beige matte board so as not to call out the fact that it wasn't really supposed to be such a "dark" cream...I started laughing when I saw that he graduated in 1986. I was only ten. David did skip a few grades (but he is still 11 years older than me, shhhh don't tell) because he was a little smarty pants. Still I get immense pleasure when I think about what he and I were both doing in 1986. USC as an SAE frat boy back in the height of the crazy 80's. Seriously. It racks my brain.
Well, it's almost 10pm. Past my bedtime. Brentwood Pres class tomorrow in the morning then Chemo in the afternoon. Hopefully my counts are good despite the stupid flu shot. Oh yeah, Dr. Mao said I should've asked him about the flu shot. He would have advised against it. Now he tells me!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Oh, I'm Wicked and I'm Lazy
Thank you David Byrne for one of my favorite songs. I'm doing better after a rough weekend. Stupid flu shot. It has me really low energy. We had a fabulous Halloween and Abby loved the trick or treating. It was so fun to be with her and watch her enjoy the night. I'm waiting for both the wine cellar repair guy to show up and the electrician to come fix Abby's light switch...and if they don't show up in the next 15 minutes I am going to be late for acupuncture with Dr. Mao!! I'll check in again soon and post some photos of our Halloween fun. Thursday is Chemo, Friday is hydration, this weekend is our anniversary (6 years) and we're heading to Terranea so we can relax and rejuvenate. We went last year for our first trip away from Abby (and I was still pumping); it's the perfect distance. You feel as if you are in Santa Barbara without the two and a half hour drive... I'm still itching to TP someone's house now (that's why I'm feeling wicked)...thanks Christel. So when I get the energy ya'll should watch out.
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