Rough Day

I got a flu shot yesterday. Could that be why this morning I could do nothing but lay in bed? I literally had zero energy.  I had to get out of bed around 9 so David could get on a conference call and go to a meeting. I decided to take Abby to get a bagel.  She really is a delight to be with even when I am trying so hard to keep myself together.  She was jumping up and down looking at the bagels.  Then we sat in the big bar chairs at the counter to eat and drink.  She had a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese that I cut into little bite size chunks and I had egg and tomato on half a whole wheat scooped out bagel. We shared a fresh squeezed orange juice (which reminded me that I didn't do any of my supplements, vitamins or herbs that morning).  She also grabbed a box of "taxi's, taxi's" for a snack later.  I am loving how fast her vocabulary is building. Not only is she a little parrot but she answers questions and expresses her own ideas.

We came home and Roxana took over so I could lay down again.  I needed to change my port dressing but I didn't have any more gauze nor did I have the energy.  I took off the old bandage, poured some hydrogen peroxide on and just let it air dry. I still believe that it is getting better but it is taking so long to heal. I need to be patient.  After this week I think I will be able to let it breathe but it really looks gross and I don't delight in freaking people out.  Oh and I took my glutamine, vitamins, and herbs while I ate the vegetarian ratatouille for lunch.  Then I conked out for a nap.

Speaking of other people...I finally motivated around 4pm and went to the drug store to buy the gauze. As I was checking out of CVS I heard a woman say "Sir?" and I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or to the Manager standing next to me so I turned around and then she says "Oh, when are you due?!?!" I was so bewildered. I told her "mid-December" then glared. I seriously think she called me "Sir" not the manager.  I was wearing nothing but my black fedora over my bald head.  I was so shocked but then I just started laughing on the way to the car. UGH!!

Last night Christel came over to bring me some vegetarian ratatouille but I was craving sushi so we went to Pearl Dragon. I think that's the first time in a long while that I've been out to dinner. We pretty much eat at home or order in these days. It was nice to get out. I wore a hat but halfway through dinner I just took it off and went bald.  It's pretty dark in Pearl Dragon but honestly, I just didn't care. Christel pointed out that I was like Amber Rose (Kanye West's ex-girlfriend) except that I haven't bleached my hair or tanned my head.  I think I am going to call Portofino Sun Center and see if they can spray tan my head. Then maybe the contrast won't be so bad and I can just walk around bald (which is what I really want to do).  The only problem is that I still have this port dressed and if people see that AND they see my bald head they can easily tell I'm a cancer patient.  But seriously, why do I care?  I don't care  if I make them uncomfortable. I know it must be incredibly awkward to see a bald, pregnant, cancer patient but it is what it is. At the same time, I don't like looking at my own bald head because it is still in that awkward transitional phase of white, bald patches, break outs...so until I get that looking better I won't subject other people to it either.  So that is to be continued...

We had to stop at Maggie's house to pick up a coupon that she left for me in her mailbox.  On the way there we kept laughing saying that we were going to TP (toilet paper) a couple of her trees as a joke. We almost stopped at Ralphs to pick up the TP.  Then we remembered that Maggie doesn't always get our stupid American childhood humor because she grew up in Poland.  We decided against it.  Then when we got there we thought we could put a bag of poop in her mailbox instead!  We decided against that too.  We weren't sure that Maggie would appreciate the humor of it. Then we thought about maybe TP'ing Susie's house since she lives just a few doors down from Maggie.  It was just funny to pretend we were going to do these things... We laughed till we cried on the ride home.  I have a feeling if we all lived closer together that there would be some major neighborhood TP and poop-bag wars going on...

People keep telling me that I am so strong and so brave.  How do I do it?  I just don't feel that way. I don't feel that strong. I don't feel that brave.  I feel that I am doing what anyone else would do to survive and be there for their family.  I think I am naturally a fighter though.  I am extremely competitive.  I mean, ask Christel, I once made her play extra games of tennis with me after work so I could be sure to beat her. I literally wouldn't let her leave.  I believe that "there is no such thing as I can't...only won't".  I usually find a way to get my way.  I'm a hard worker.  Dreams don't come true for the dreaming, they manifest only through planning and hard work.  Fighting cancer is no exception.

Also. I forgot to mention that yesterday I saw Dr. Daly and had my first in-office monitoring.  Nurse Jan hooked me up to the machines and I had to press this button on a push control connected to the device every time he moved.  It looked like one of those devices that if I pressed the button someone somewhere would get an electric shock... Anyway, shortly after she hooked my up I found a comfortable position and he just went wild.  Jan walked right back in and said "he has hiccups"...but he was also moving up a storm kicking me as well.  It was nice to lay there listening to his heart beat while he kicked the crap out of me.  He seemed to be having a grand old time.  :)  After the monitoring, Dr. Daly checked my cervix and even though he's in position there was no dilation.  Whew.  Then it was on to the ultrasound... Susan was there today and she told me they got a new machine.  The new machine has 4D!  Peanut is still measuring two weeks ahead. He's already 4.5 pounds at 31.5 weeks.  He was babbling again and then he turned around onto his stomach and put his butt in our direction.  Too funny.  (OK all you Monty Python fans, in unison..."I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"). Susan was able to get a nice 4D photo of his nose, lips, and cheeks.  He is beautiful. I know I'm biased but she said it first! Big, juicy lips and cheeks.  His nose looks a little more like mine than David's but we'll find out soon enough!

Also, also.  Forgot to mention Abby and Francesca as Laverne and Shirley at our dress rehearsal at BP toddler group.  I have GOT to upload the photos so that you can see how ridiculously cute they were. It was so fun to watch them.  Kudos to Suzanne for making the best costumes ever!  The best part is that it is something they can wear easily and don't want to take off.  Many of the other kids kept taking off parts or all of their costumes and the girls just kept theirs on.  Brilliant!!