Running up that hill

I am getting very emotional thinking about that Kate Bush song "Running up that hill"...I mean it makes me cry huge crocodile tears but I have no idea why. I happened to look it up and it is about a man and a woman swapping places in a deal with God to know how each other feels.  I think, however, it could be about making a deal with God for anything. We try to make deals with God all the time, don't we? That's usually the "bargaining" part of challenges we face in our lives. The bargaining phase of grief too.  Anyway, I thought the song could be about me making a deal with God so that I could flash forward to the future where I am done with this fight, cancer free, care free in a good place, happy with my husband and family with strong body, mind and spirit..."running up that road, running up that hill ... with no problems".  This is hard to imagine when I feel so tired but it makes me hopeful too.  She sings, "It doesn't hurt me. You wanna know how it feels. You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? You wanna hear about the deal I'm making? ... Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building. See, If I only could, oh....."

I'm not having a pity party. I'm just having a moment to let the grief of this come over me. That's healthy.  I am doing relatively well in this new normal actually.  I just came back from Tower Oncology and they checked my blood count and my numbers were good.  That's great news. I asked why I feel so tired then?? This round of Chemo just has me in a daze. Sharon described it best when she said "If I was moving I was OK but the minute I stopped I was just done".  That is exactly how I feel. I can push myself to go and go but if I stop, even for a second, say in the kitchen at the sink while rinsing a plate, I can just sit on the floor and close my eyes. Right then and there. I can't sleep necessarily but I need to just lie still and stare at the wall.  Angela, Head Nurse Practitioner says I'm tired because of the pregnancy AND the Chemo. Basically a double whammy. Alright-y then.

Did I mention that I started getting the mouth sores?  I don't have the typical sores but it's just my gums are irritated and red. Angela gave me a special rinse that I need to use twice a day that should take care of it within a few days.  I was doing pretty well with the L-Glutamine I thought.  Oh well.

I went to see Dr. Winters, the infectious disease guy. I was accompanied by my adopted sister Jeanne and who, on the phone Monday (before I saw Dr. Daly) suggested I see Dr. Winters, the infectious disease doc, to which I replied "I don't think I need to see someone like that, do I?"  The answer was yes!  Jeanne is like a doctor.  She knows a ton about this stuff so why did I ever doubt her?!?! So there we are in his office where there are tons of artifacts from African nations because he does a ton of work there of a more serious nature.  Boy did I feel out of place. Pregnant, Bald, With Cancer, With possibly an infected port incision in a doctor's office that specializes in travel and super bad diseases.  He takes a look at it and I show him how the actual port doesn't hurt..."Don't touch your arm ever with your hands", he warns me sternly... Hands are dirty even if you just wash them he says. Do not touch your port and do not let anyone other than a medical professional that is properly outfitted touch it.  Message received!  He said it didn't look great but he didn't think it needed to be removed. He warned me though that if the scab or the area around the scab grew or I had even a slight fever that it should be removed immediately.  The catheter goes directly into my superior vena cava, meaning directly into my bloodstream so if there was an infection it would have direct access.  Not good.  He said to keep clean it twice a day with hydrogen peroxide, apply bactroban with a q-tip, cover with sterile gauze and then wrap the arm.  After several days of that it looks and feels much better.  It is healing!  Angela said she thought it looked 80% better than last week.  We are in the clear my friends.  I am feeling great about that!

Only complication this week is that Tuesday night I heard Abby coughing a bit while she slept. Later that night she woke up crying and coughing. When I heard that I panicked for her and then I panicked for me. I really don't want to get sick. I'm not sure how my body would deal with it.  Anyway, I gave her some ibuprofen and rocked her to sleep for a while.  I know what you're thinking but I'm just one of those moms that gives preventative medicine... She was a little heavy for my pregnant belly so I put her back in her crib when she seemed to be asleep and she was not having it.  But you can only do what you can do so after 5 minutes she went back to sleep.

She woke up really early Wednesday morning. I called my mother-in-law Sue as early as possible for some extra help.  Sue lives right down the street and she is always happy to help. She's a firecracker and have I mentioned that she's over 80? I'm not going to tell her real age here so I don't get in trouble.  She's awesome. I made breakfast for Abby but I am clearly having Chemo brain because you should have seen the mess I made.  I had everything out and everywhere.  Normally when I am functioning at full capacity I can take something out, like Milk, use it then put it back. There were three milks on the kitchen island, plus evidence that I tried to make smoothies, pressed veggie juice, eggs, toast and who knows what else.  Oh yeah, oatmeal, which is what we actually ate. I just didn't care.  We ate something and then when Sue came over she played with Abby so I could rest.  Hallelejuah.  Thank Heaven for supportive mother-in-laws.  Poor Abby is sick with a cold though so it really puts a damper on the week.  She slept well last night shockingly with the help of some eucalyptus drops in her humidifier plus more ibuprofen.  She is also taking homeopathic C Plus tablets, homeopathic "immune booster" drops, gummy vitamins (those are normal everyday though), and baby probiotics.  So I'm not just a motrin junkie!

One funny story before I close this entry.  Yesterday I had to have the plumber fix Abby's drain in her tub so I'm in the kitchen and the doorbell rings...open the door, greet the plumbers and show them upstairs,  go into the master bedroom where David is and it dawns on me that I am not wearing a scarf or a cap.  Just pure baldness.  I start laughing so hard I can't stop.  David is looking at me like I've swallowed a cat and I tell him that I just let the plumbers upstairs and forgot that I have no hair!!!  I mean what a sight for the poor plumbers.  They show up to some random house and are greeted by Sinead O'Connor!!  And I act like there is nothing wrong.  And of course there isn't.  I'm in my home and I'm bald.  So what of it!?!?!  I just kept walking around bald.  I am getting more and more bold about just being bald.  I really could care less.  I don't wear a cap when I drive now either.  Who cares, right!?!?!