I Am Not Superwoman

I hate to admit it but I am not superwoman.  I am working really hard but I have to admit to myself that I cannot do everything I want to and in the capacity I would like to.  That pisses me off.  I realized this in the hospital when I had a meltdown on night three with Leo looking jaundiced and dehydrated, my milk still hadn't come in yet and my nipples were already cracked and bleeding.  Sorry for that visual.  It takes something like major surgery to make you realize just how fragile you really are.  You can be brave and you can fight strong but you still can't control much of anything...  


Leo's birth was so much easier than the last time with the twins.  With the twins it was much more dramatic and scary.  I hemorrhaged and had to have a transfusion and a uterine balloon while Dr. Tabsh threatened to take my uterus since it wasn't contracting properly and I was losing too much blood.  I told him "no way" since I think I still wanted my uterus even though at the time David and I thought we were "done" with one boy and one girl... Thankfully I was left in tact so that I could go on to carry this little miracle Leo. This birth - piece of cake.  Dr. Daly was fabulous as was Dr. Matsunaga and the entire staff. On a funny note, Dr. Daly had her scrubs on, hair net and was all scrubbed in for the surgery but had these really long dangly gold and pearl earrings on and I couldn't stop thinking "has she ever lost an earring in a patient?" Thankfully she still had both earrings when the surgery was over!! The epidural was smooth enough even though I was scared shitless to do it since last time I just had a spinal tap that wore off while I was undergoing the uterus chaos.  And if you've given birth you know that when the RNs and Doctors come around to check if your uterus in contracting by pushing down hard on it YOU KNOW that the pain from that isn't much fun!!

Leo was skin to skin within minutes of birth.  He was on my chest and immediately started wiggling to the breast.  The instinctual mammalian response was amazing.  I really have to thank Dr. Gordon for being there and ensuring the skin to skin contact for us and no extra poking or unnecessary tests for Leo.  When Dr. Gordon was examining Leo he said "Wow! Big hands and big balls!" Too funny!  David seemed to be very amused buy that...

Nursing was giving me some major problems as I've indicated above... I was really pushing myself to be with Leo, only keep him at the breast (particularly since I only have a month to breastfeed him), only have him sleep next to me (even when I was alone all night when David had to go home to be with Abby) and by night three I was bonkers.  Plus...I made the mistake of watching Sleepless in Seattle on demand in the hospital on Day 3.  In the opening scene the husband is explaining to the son about how Mommy died suddenly (she died from cancer) and how you can't try to make sense of the death because it will just make you crazy.  I couldn't believe they had this film available in a hospital on demand!!!  She dies of cancer!!  Why on earth is that appropriate for hospital patients???  

Anyway, I was having too many sordid thoughts that night and that's when I realized I wasn't superwoman.  I was walking laps in the hospital with Ashley while they took Leo to the nursery to be weighed.  We walked by the nursery and I heard a baby crying and peeked in to see Leo looking so fragile and weak, a little yellow and his cry was sounding faint from not having any fluids (except hopefully SOME colostrum) since birth.  As I walked into the nursery I heard a nurse tell another nurse (they didn't know I was in the room) that Leo looked very dehydrated and had lost the 10% of his body weight.  I just broke down right there and then sobbing.  I looked at the nurse who was weighing Leo and said "please get me a bottle of formula and a nipple right away"... I gave him the formula and he was immediately better.  That is when I decided that given my current health that now was not the time to try to be a superhero breastfeeder and tax me and tax him.  He was nursing and I could still bond with him that way but I wasn't going to drive myself crazy nursing with cracked and bleeding nipples when he is going to be bottle fed eventually anyway.  David was on board with that immediately.  He won't tell me so but he is so concerned about the breastfeeding and whether I am taxing myself too much.  He just doesn't want me overdoing it, he wants me focused on getting well for the long haul.  I understand that completely.  But I also know the pure joy and attachment that grows from breastfeeding your child.  I LOVED breastfeeding Abby.  When she was still getting up once a night I would go in there and nurse her in side-lying position and just cuddle her little body and massage her back and her legs.  We'd snuggle so close and just enjoy each other.  It brought me so much joy which is why I wasn't bothered in the slightest to get up once a night for several months until she outgrew that feeding. When it's great, it's truly wonderful.  You even forget about the blocked ducts, thrush, sore or cracked nipples.  It goes away but that love you feel from your child when their little fingers caress your breast while you feed them and you hug their little bodies oh so tight...you just can't replace that.  I love breastfeeding Leo and that is why I am doing as much of it as I can but I am also not going to stress myself out if I skip a feeding at night so I can get a more solid block of sleep.  

So I'm going to focus first on getting better. Is that good grammar or WHAT?!?!  As I'm typing that Leo is sitting here in his boppy pillow looking at me and grunting.  He's doing his business in his pants.  Squish.  I've come up with a temporary nickname for him - Sponge Bob Squirt Pants.  David asked me last night if it was normal for him to poop so much.  Yep. It's pretty great and healthy.  He's getting enough milk from Mommy during the day even without any bottle during the day.  Of course breastfeeding him after getting through the initial rough patch would be easy street.  He latches on now like a pro (although sometimes his hands get in his own way) and he seems pretty content.  We'll both enjoy it while we can!

Oh yeah, so back to more nanny drama nonsense.  On Sunday (also on Day 3) our live-in housekeeper texted David at the hospital to get her paycheck and wanted to talk to him about something.  When he told me that I said "Oh, I bet she's going to quit"... so Roxana quit Sunday afternoon while I was in the hospital. Nice, huh?  Given her latest negotiations and attitude issue it is a blessing but the timing is horrible.  I'll post more on that topic another day cause it was a whole lot of drama that had me up the next night typing an email while shaking in the hospital I was so mad.  More to come...

Here are other random thoughts I've been having while I am supposed to be in new mommy heaven but I'm still stuck thinking about cancer.  I'm starting to wonder if I should just have a hysterectomy as well once my breast surgeries are over.  I believe the Chemo will damage my eggs that I have left so it's not like we'll have more children so do I really need those parts?  Although Sharon tells me I still have to go on the tamoxifen even after a hysterectomy so that's annoying...either way it will be menopause for me at the young age of 34 (or 35 if that happens after May 1st)... I'm also wondering though if I should be more aggressive with the breast surgeries as well since I don't understand why the chance of recurrence is that same with lumpectomy and radiation and double mastectomy and radiation.  I have a lot of questions for Dr. McAndrew when she gets back from vacation on January 3rd... And why am I not scheduled to meet with her until January 31st.  That seems really late.  Don't I need to get started again with treatment?  Last Chemo was November 23rd...

Welcome Leo Charles Berman...

Abby, Jessica and David are so happy to welcome Leo Charles Berman into this world and into the family. Born 2:30pm Friday, December 17th weighing in at 7 lbs 8 ozs and measuring 19 inches.

Baby and Mom are doing great!  Abby greeted Mommy with two major screams of "Mommaaaa!! Mommaaaa!" in an angry yet excited fashion. Abby then greeted Leo with a big kiss and gentle pats.  Leo was not in his mommy's hands at the time, however, nor was he in his mommy's hands the entire visit with big sister Abby.  Daddy picked up Leo from Grandma and Abby said "Noooo, Daddy, nooooo"  Then Daddy put Leo into the bassinet and Abby looked at Leo and said "Night, night" then promptly grabbed Daddy's hands and walked him away.  This is going to be fun!

Leo looks a lot like his Daddy but at times looks like Momma too. One thing is for sure, he is definitely Abby's little brother.  Both had the eskimo look with the black hair and almond eyes and big lips.

I'm recovering nicely, no complications like my c-section with the twins.  This was a piece of cake relatively. Dr. Daly was fabulous.  Leo has been nursing and is most content by mommy's side, I am enjoying every minute of it. Having the second child makes you appreciate all the things you took for granted the first time because you were so freaked out to do something wrong.  It's much more relaxed this go round.  You do forget how small they are!  The skills come back just like riding a bicycle.

I miss Abby so much though.  She's so much fun. It's hard to imagine that you could love another child as much as the first.  The heart just expands so you can love them both at the same time but this will be a fun love experiment.  I can't wait to be with the both of them at home (even though I'm very nervous about it too).  Things are moving along so quickly.  Need to be present in every moment!!!  Life is beautiful my friends!   So thankful for a successful delivery and a healthy addition to the family.

Wonderful lazy day

I'm going to enjoy today. I'm still in my pajamas (my monkey butt pajamas as David calls them, they have blue monkeys from Roberta Roller Rabbit, thanks Ashley)...haven't bathed yet either.

Watching Harry Potter.  Just ordered lunch from Taiko. Maggie's coming to join me for lunch and a movie in bed. Both Mercy and Roxana are here with Abby.  Abby went to her Holiday party this morning at Brentwood Pres (her last class before the holiday break). Mom is coming over later this afternoon.

Ordered a pack n play and another car seat from diapers.com...

Most interesting news is that my mother in law Sue called this morning and said that David was 8 lbs 12 ozs when he was born.  Can't wait to find out what Peanut is.  Healthy, healthy, healthy we hope!!  Shall we put in some wagers?  Over and under at 8 lbs??  I'm going for the under.

Mercy was going to make food tonight but I think I want to order La Scala since it is my last meal before I have to fast all day before the surgery.  Fasting really makes me anxious. I just love food and water too much.  No water or anything after midnight until 1pm. UGH.  Sorry to be such a baby!!

Yikes

This baby has dropped. Seriously.  I know I'm scheduled for Friday but I feel like any moment my water will break.  He is ginormous too.  I am having trouble walking and get very winded just talking. I am getting very uncomfortable.  Ugghhhhh.....

TWO MORE DAYS to go....?

Oh, Baby's room looks grrrreat. Thanks Mom. It's rearranged now so it makes sense.  Now if I can only make myself pack my hospital bag.  At least I did make the list of what I need today while lunching with Kristen (on, of course, vegetable rolls from Hillstone...)

Getting so nervous for the surgery.  But very excited to meet this little man.  Praying for a healthy boy and a quick recovery.

Oh and Abby has been mucho clingy.  Really, really clingy.  She knows something is up.  Poor girl. And all I can seem to do with her is lay on the floor while she plays.  She must think I'm very lazy. :)

Woo hoo!!

The nanny who is working today for her trial day is fabulous.  Check!

Saw Dr. Daly, only a little late to my appointment.  Peanut is doing great. Having contraction right now as I write this but we are still on for the 17th... His estimated weight right now is 7 lbs 14 ozs.  That's exactly how much I was when I was born.  Check, check!

Uploading photos from Abby's successful birthday party.  So cute. (oh, and that is my wig from Piny...looks so real, right?!?!)

It's the final countdown

Cue...cheesy "Europe" music here... The Final Countdown


What a weekend.  What a hell of a week.  I've been interviewing nannies to no avail.  Had two trials with two different nannies.  They were both okaaaaay. I feel like I'm settling since Dolores was a good fit but nonetheless...the first woman we had a trial with decided to accept a janitorial job at a museum with good benefits (I get that, we're not offering health care) and the second woman who was my 3rd choice (as David has told me I am now trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole) came for a trial Saturday and even though she was a little too chatty, she seemed to do fine with Abby, knew her way around Brentwood for errands and cooked well, at the end of the trial she started asking questions like “I’m only going to be responsible for the baby, right? "Do I have to make lunches too?" "Do I get paid holidays and vacation?" "How many breaks do I get during the day?" and then "I can’t work late on Mondays or Fridays” etc. etc.  She then proceeded to tell me that she wanted $20 an hour.  That was the final straw.  I don’t need someone who is going to negotiate from the get go (especially after just dealing with negotiations with our live-in - another issue that is bothering me).  Doesn’t set a good foundation.  AND isn’t the whole point of working with an agency that they you send candidates who understand what the job entails and the hourly wage is at a minimum?  I feel like I’ve wasted another week when I don’t have time to waste.  I should be resting....ugh.


Another agency that my friend Brynie referred us to sent me a great candidate that will do a trial today.  She is Peruvian and a little firecracker.  I think it could be a good fit.  I need someone who isn't afraid to take charge and who can also set a better example of proactive work ethic that Roxana can learn from.  Elizabeth, our wonderful housekeeper, is the best in that regard.  She is super proactive, organized and anticipates needs even before I ask her anything.  We'll see how it goes today.  I would love more than anything to be done and have someone who can get integrated before Peanut arrives.


Other than that fiasco, I've been having some contractions but just on and off.  Baby is coming Friday, the 17th.  St. John's 1pm....YIKES!!  Getting excited and anxious at the same time. 


Oh our friend Tunde came over Saturday with his 3 1/2 month old daughter and I was holding her and let me tell you it did not go over well with Miss Abby.  Oh no.  Her response was "No momma.  No Baby, no baby" repeatedly.  I then put her in the chair with me and we both held the baby. Then she rubbed her belly but then went for the face and so I told her we don't touch baby faces or eyes. Just bellys and feet.  Kind of worked.  Then I continued to hold baby Pia and she wasn't happy.  David said I was pushing it of course and testing her, which of course he's right, but it was a good thing to see her reaction.  Perhaps she'll have a better response with Peanut though since she knows he's coming.


Well, we picked a name for Peanut.  I'm not sure if I should post it though.  We've been calling him his name for a couple weeks now and it's stuck.  Abby points to my belly and calls him his name too.  And when we go in his room we say this is "X's" room. X is your baby brother...I'm hoping this all will help.  Plus I bought her a baby lion and Ashley bought her a baby lion and she has named him X and walks around with them saying his name.  I'm hoping that helps somewhat too.  If not, with the cadre of help around I plan to spend more time with Abby than Peanut except during feedings for a while until she adjusts.  "No Baby momma, no baby!!"  Ha ha ha.


Abby had a wonderful birthday parties at her toddler groups at Brentwood Pres Thursday and at Wilshire Boulevard Temple on Friday.


Holy crap, just got a reminder that I have an appt. at Dr. Daly's right NOW in ten minutes and I haven't showered or changed or anything.  Will post more in a bit.  BYE!!!

Quickly before I pass out...

Saw Dr. Funk (after waiting almost 2 hours, ugh) for an exam and ultrasound. She first did the clinical and could feel a large difference in the tumor.  She said at least 1 CM of shrinkage in the horizontal, less obvious shrinkage of the vertical (so imagine my tumor no longer looks like a ball but more like a test tube).  GOOD NEWS!!!!  She said she was very happy.  The other piece of useful information I learned was that the lumpectomy and reconstructive surgery would be done separately.  Did not know that before.

Saw Dr. Tabsh (after waiting another almost 2 hours, ugh) for Peanut's ultrasound.  Peanut is doing great and is a little over 7 lbs now.  Man is he squished in the womb though.  Poor guy.  We are on schedule for Friday, the 17th!!!

Talked to Sharon tonight who pointed out that since I may be doing the lumpectomy and reconstruction separately perhaps I could delay the second surgery and return to breastfeeding... Will need to discuss that option with Dr. Gordon and Dr. McAndrew.  Very interesting.  Also, she helped ease some of those fears I am having about treatment post-pregnancy.  She's awesome.

After the doc appointments came home to interview four nanny candidates.  Two of them were very strong.  Two more tomorrow and then I want to do the trial days and hire someone to start next week.  My mom is helping out the rest of the week, bless her, so that I have full coverage!!!  Woo hoo!!

Ducks are starting to gather again my friends.

Holy Hell

Why are Mondays always a day from hell?

I am having some contractions right now.  Now that could be from the fact that I've had a crazy, hectic, and long day.  It really started sinking in that after all the preparation and hard work I did getting my ducks in a row they were violently shifted out of the pond to stare down the barrel of Sarah Palin's hunting rifle.  Bang. Bang. Bang.  Just like that.  Plans changed.

Called the Agency and tried to figure out what to do.  At first I figured I would see if Agnes could come back this week and next and let Dolores come back in a limited capacity until she was well.  Was that realistic?  Then I would have a hobbling nanny wearing a walking boot going up and down stairs with a newborn?  Doesn't sound too realistic. But when life throws you lemons you try to make lemonade.  Thankfully my mom is here today and she knocked some sense into me.  She said "you need to take care of yourself...you need a full charge nanny, not someone who is going to be hobbling around here; you'll be trying to take care of her instead of yourself".  That advice really sunk in.  So I called the Agency and said find me a replacement ASAP.  Interviews to begin tomorrow if possible.  They are also going to see if the other woman we had a trial with found a job or not.  If not we'd love to have her (even if it could be really awkward since she was second choice).  Thanks Mom for being here for me today and for saving me from myself.

The temporary plan wouldn't have worked anyway... Agnes texted me that she got a job and wasn't available.  I am happy for her!  But that blew apart the back up plan. My mother in law Sue is out of town on a very important visit to see her older sister who is gravely ill.  My mom is supposed to work but she said she'd do whatever I needed to help.

Then above ALL that I texted my live-in nanny to see if she could work extra hours until I found a replacement for Dolores and it turned into a full on negotiation of salary and responsibilities.  What the fuck (pardon my language)?  Seriously though. I told her I was extremely disheartened that she would take the opportunity to negotiate at a time like this.  If she could find a live-in position with the same benefits for $2 more per hour then she should take it. I'd hate to lose her for Abby's sake but I know without a doubt that after we gave her the most recent pay raise she is already above market for a live-in nanny (particularly one who doesn't function as a live-in, she functions as an hourly employee who just happens to live in our house).  Anyway, she quickly texted back saying it was a misunderstanding but that when I changed her schedule to work earlier she had an opportunity to work for another family during the holidays when her shift ended for more money.  Well of course as a "live-out" babysitter or nanny you get more money but that is because you're not living there! Not sure why I would be more empathetic to that notion...declining extra hours with us so she could work for someone else?  But I get it. She's not family and she needs to make money. The more money the better. Still just rubs me the wrong way.  There's no way I'm going to pay a live-in nanny the same rate I pay a live-out nanny.  And oh by the way all of this is cash, i.e. after-tax dollars.  But don't get me started on that whole nanny payroll issue!!!

Other than all that stupid drama, sorry for the venting, there was the usual tasks that got completed today.  Bills, filing and organizing. I went to Dr. Daly and she said Peanut looks great.  I am 37 weeks today!  A few weeks ago I was just "hoping and praying" to make it to 36 weeks and here I am...woo hoo!! Dr. Daly says I am still not dilated but that depending on what Dr. Tabsh says tomorrow she wants to deliver me on the 17th.  Abby and Peanut will be 2 years and 4 days apart.

On the way home I stopped to get the white Poinsettias I've been looking for, huge pretty full stem plants, they have them at Armstrong's.  Then coming home from that I had a nice cry as I typed out an email to David.  I was feeling nostalgic about traveling with him. He's in Vegas today and tonight. When we travel he reads a huge stack of paper from work, then as he finishes he folds it in half and puts it into the seat pocket in front of him, all the while eating red licorice. It made me miss him terribly and want to be on a plane with him going somewhere fun. It was a nice thought and then I got scared. Scared that for some terrible reason I may not get to do that for as many years as we'd planned. Scared that our life together could be cut short.  Our promise is for 60 years together (after that we can go on a dating spree).  I even inscribed "to our 60 years" on his wedding ring. There is something about being in the car by myself.  I am just very vulnerable in the car.  It must be because I'm alone. All alone with my thoughts.  That can be a good or a bad thing.  I can have those scary thoughts but I can also have very emotional happy thoughts.  This time I was focused on how much I miss those easier times with David and how I long to recreate them in the future. We will travel together again.  We will take those trips back to all those wonderful places we've been and explore new places we've always wanted to see. I wish words could adequately describe how I feel about him. Sometimes I love you and I appreciate you just aren't enough.

Wow, so who put the special liquid in my kool-aid? Sorry to vent then get all sappy. Yikes. Anyway, I'm very emotional as you can tell. I'm worried yet excited that Peanut is coming so soon. I'm scared about what my recovery and next steps of treatment will be like without being pregnant. This thought plagues me daily.  How much tougher will it be when I don't have his little kicks to keep me grounded? Will the new treatment be harsher on my system so I won't be able to play with Abby and take care of Peanut?  Ugh, I hate that I'm having these thoughts all the time. I thought I would be able to rest this week and have a break to relax.  To have some time to process things in peace and quiet before the baby arrives. To try to settle and calm my mind about the next steps coming up... But that just isn't happening.  As John Lennon said "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"...  I've got my lemons. Time to make some vegan lemon bars.

Oy....vey....

My new nanny Dolores calls me yesterday afternoon with some bad news. She's upset because she broke her ankle...  She can't work for the next week at all and most likely not for the next 6 weeks because of her cast. Well that certainly throws a monkey wrench into our plans... We had just finished the new schedule which was going to start this week!  Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  I feel so bad for her. She was really upset. If it was just for the next two weeks I could make do with Agnes filling in but six weeks is just not going to happen...

Called the Agency and we'll see what happens.  I did some research online and realized that if she doesn't have a clean break broken ankle she might have to have surgery and recovery is a whole new ball game...

I feel bad for Dolores but now I feel bad for me too.  Waaaaaah!

The Little Peanut

Peanut is now set to arrive via c-section on December 17th (if not sooner).  I'm thinking he'll do me a solid and stay in there until then.  Honestly, babies are so much easier when they are still in the womb and are fed directly through the umbilical cord.  Abby is being very "momma" oriented lately too. I'm loving it. Yet secretly fearing that it will make the arrival of Peanut even more challenging...

I'm trying to get more rest as I promised Ann, Sue, my Mom and everyone else, including Dr. Daly.  Last week was my last crazy week! I was running around doing errands like mad and frankly just doing way too much.  This week I plan to stick to my room and have visitors make me tea and feed me grapes while we chat and watch television.

Aside from Holiday shopping (which I will do online this year) I have most of my ducks in a row.  Last week I got the indoor plants, crystals, and mirrors to make the suggested feng shui changes throughout the house.  Art Gallery Services came back and hung the diplomas and remaining art and mirrors.  The fresh garland arrived and the wreath and swags were placed. Saw Dr. Daly and Dr. McAndrew.  Blood Count looked fine (hemoglobin low again but not too low).  I now know the plan going forward and will mentally prepare myself for the next long haul (see previous posting about plan).

For fun stuff, first night of Hanukkah was Wednesday and we had fun lighting the candles with Grammy and opening the first presents. Abby and I went to toddler group Thursday and she just loves Miss Nancy.  She says, "Fancy Nancy" all the way to school.  She especially loves the music in her class.  Really fabulous songs.  Then Thursday night we celebrated the second night of hanukkah with Grammy and Uncle Lee Jay and Auntie Trish.  Latkes and Applesauce!!!  Friday morning we went to Miss Eva's Shabbat Shalom class and had a Hanukkah party. She loves Miss Eva. She sounded like Wall-E in the car..."Eeeeeevaaahhhh, Eeevah"... She loves her class. We said our blessings for Shabbat Shalom and for Hanukkah. She loved Noodle Kugel and more latkes with applesauce plus her favorite...Challaaaaaaahhhhh. She wore her blue velvet hanukkah dress that Grammy gave her last year, it finally fit!  She was too precious; see for yourself.

After our class some of my best girls had a lunch for me. It was so nice. I am very blessed to have such amazing friends.  We went to my new favorite old restaurant Hillstone (aka Houston's) for veggie rolls, coconut shrimp rolls, salmon, braised red cabbage, brussel sprouts, coleslaw, fries and split a burger with Maggie.  I was the first and last one eating, not too shocking!  Big thank you to my gals!!

On a side note, I got the two nanny schedules worked out; Wednesday after Dolores' first day she had cooked dinner and left it on the stove. Then when I got home from seeing Dr. McAndrew I had to heat it up and do the final prep (Roxana seems to have a mind block when it comes to anything cooking related)...that wore me out but made me realize that Dolores and Roxana need to have their schedules different.  Roxana will now work the morning-afternoon shift while Dolores works the afternoon-evening shift.  That way I don't have to worry about dinner one bit.  Plus Abby is pretty cranky in the morning so it will help to have the more familiar nanny working with her first.  This will all make my life much easier once Peanut arrives in the next week or two...

Here is my to-do list for this week.  They are things to do while sitting in bed of course.

1. Call Dr. Funk's office for another ultrasound (need to see her ASAP)
2. Call Dr. Guiliano's office for appointment
3. Call Dr. Gordon for Abby's 2 year check up (call Dr. Sachs to transfer medical records)
4. Focus on coordinating breast milk donations
5. Call Plastic Surgeons
6. I see Dr. Daly at 10:00AM Monday
7. I see Dr. Tabsh at 11:30AM Tuesday
8. Order and prep for a little tea party for Abby on Sunday the 12th to celebrate her birthday (which is actually on the 13th).  Finalize menu with Chef Jason.
9. Pick up cupcakes or something for BP Toddler class on Thursday to celebrate birthday too.
10. Fill out questionnaire for Dr. Block and get medical records for consult
11. Pack Hospital bag
12. Final touches in Peanut's nursery
13. Holiday shopping

That's it for now... I think!

Interesting Article...

My neighbor Larry Reider, first a vegetarian and now a vegan for 20 years, told me about this article.  It is an interesting article about how the power elite are going Vegan.  It doesn't, however, touch much on the fact that a vegan diet is also a cancer-free diet - but the article is from Business Week so I get audience angle.  I've been more lax on my diet the past week and will be doing so until Peanut is born since this is the time where he is packing on weight (and he's already 7 lbs).  AND since I want him to be chunky and healthy I'm eating more and more lately.  That being said, I am still eating healthy but letting myself enjoy the holidays a bit with things like Latkes and Noodle Kugel...  Once he's born though and after my month of breastfeeding - it is serious VEGAN crunch time.

Speaking of veggies, everyone must go and try the vegetable "sushi" roll at Hillstone.  Best thing EVER!!

POWER VEGANS November 4, 2010, 5:00PM EST

The Rise of the Power Vegans

Steve Wynn, Russell Simmons, Bill Clinton and a comparable cast of heavies are now using tempeh to assert their superiority. A look at what gives

It used to be easy for moguls to flaunt their power. All they had to do was renovate the chalet in St. Moritz, buy the latest Gulfstream (GD) jet, lay off 5,000 employees, or marry a much younger Asian woman. By now, though, they've used up all the easy ways to distinguish themselves from the rest of us—which may be why a growing number of America's most powerful bosses have become vegan. Steve Wynn, Mort Zuckerman, Russell Simmons, and Bill Clinton are now using tempeh to assert their superiority. As are Ford Executive Chairman of the Board Bill Ford (F), Twitter co-founder Biz Stone, venture capitalist Joi Ito, Whole Foods Market (WFMI) Chief Executive Officer John Mackey, and Mike Tyson. Yes, Mike Tyson, a man who once chewed on human ear, is now vegan. His dietary habit isn't nearly as impressive as that of Alec Baldwin, though, who has found a way to be both vegan and fat at the same time.

It shouldn't be surprising that so many CEOs are shunning meat, dairy, and eggs: It's an exclusive club. Only 1 percent of the U.S. population is vegan, partly because veganism isn't cheap: The cost comes from the value of specialty products made by speciality companies with cloying names (tofurkey, anyone?). Vegans also have to be powerful enough to even know what veganism is.

"CEOs are smart. There just hadn't been enough exposure for people to glom onto this trend," says Ingrid E. Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "The information is everywhere now. Instead of 'Better buy this blue chip,' it's 'Better eat vegan.' " When Newkirk learned Wynn had become a vegan, she didn't think the news was crazy. "Having dolphins in a small tank outside a casino is crazy," she says. "Ordering vegetables is not."

Wynn agrees. The self-described "animal nut," who included the Humane Society of the U.S. in his will, sold the Mirage Hotel—and its dolphin tank—in 2000, and gave up meat and dairy this June. Wynn was converted when his friend—telecom mogul and recent vegan Gulu Lalvani—made him watch Eating, a documentary in which director Mike Anderson explains his strict meat- and oil-free diet. "I watched it, and I changed the next morning," says Wynn. "Bang! Just like that." The transition was eased by the fact that Wynn happened to be on a yacht with a personal chef. As soon as he got home, he began spreading the gospel as only a mogul can—like buying 10,000 copies of Eating, one for each of his employees. "I'm providing the ass for the insurance. If they're sick, we're picking up the tab," says Wynn. "If I can keep them healthier, I'm acting like a smart businessman."

Though he swears it's not a condition of employment, Wynn has persuaded most of his senior management to go vegan. And since the majority of Wynn's lunch companions ask his assistant in advance what he likes to eat, he's got the upper hand at lunch before even sitting down. He can also suggest one of his own joints—Wynn now offers vegan menus at his restaurants in Las Vegas and Macau, including the steakhouses. "Last night I had dinner with Terry Semel, and we were eating at Wing Lei, the Chinese restaurant," Wynn says. "They couldn't believe the stir fry wasn't in oil. Everybody switched to my food."

Wynn's a convincing salesman, but a decade ago even he couldn't have given away free seitan. Being a vegan then was so weird that pundits listed it as a reason Dennis Kucinich couldn't be the Democratic Presidential nominee. "People weren't sure if it was another political party or an ethnic group they'd never heard of," Kucinich says. While the Ohio representative failed to win the Democratic nomination in 2004—and in 2008—Kucinich's diet has become so accepted that he was able to persuade Representative Robert A. Brady (D-Pa.), the head of the Committee on House Administration, to include vegan options in the congressional cafeteria. When Bill Clinton announced his dietary epiphany—"I got back to basically what I weighed in high school," he told Wolf Blitzer this September—Kucinich decided to finally finish his own diet book, whose working title, The Cleveland Diet, will probably be changed by its publisher. Kucinich, however, did not go vegan for power, but rather for love. Fifteen years ago, he says, "I met someone who was vegan when I went to the state senate. This was someone I was very fond of. This was kind of a courtship strategy."

This is how most guys go vegan. According to Bart Potenza, co-owner of Manhattan power vegan restaurant Candle 79, the rise of the power vegan coincides with the rise of the vegan second wife. As the Four Seasons of seitan piccata, Candle 79 regularly hosts not only Zuckerman but also News Corp. (NWSA) CEO Rupert Murdoch and former Viacom (VIA) CEO Tom Freston, who both have pro-vegan wives. "I live in the shadow of a power vegan," says Freston, whose wife, Kathy, got Oprah to convert for a three-week trial. "I'm well on the way myself. It's pretty clear the benefits are undeniable and many." In other words, as Potenza says, "I think she has him pretty much handled."

For others, veganism is a moral imperative. In 2000, Twitter co-founder Biz Stone went to visit Farm Sanctuary, an animal rescue organization with a location in upstate New York, and returned a vegan. So far it hasn't hurt business. "My meal companions are sometimes curious at most," says Stone, "but never judgmental." Though that tends to happen when you run a company with an estimated value of more than one billion dollars.

Farm Sanctuary's board includes a number of powerful vegans, including Tom Anderson, a former partner at McKinsey and CEO of college financing company Upromise. As an associate at McKinsey, he kept his veganism quiet for fear it would make him seem like a hippie. However, as he's climbed the corporate ladder, he's become increasingly eager to share the gospel of his eating ethics. In fact, he's bonded with a few executives over their shared anti-meat-and-dairy proclivities. The only times it hurts him, he claims, are when potential business partners tell hunting stories. "I'll have to say, 'I don't want to hear about that.' Then someone is on the defensive, and you don't want that in a business context," he says. Though as one associate of Dick Cheney can tell you, it's less uncomfortable than getting shot in the face.

Veganism's image, however, could still use some updating. While it remains associated with indie rock stars, such as Moby, and people with pixie haircuts, such as Ellen DeGeneres, it also counts among its newest converts ex-NBA star John Salley, Atlanta Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez, former National Hockey League brawler Georges Laraque, professional poker player Daniel Negreanu, and, less recently, pop star and amateur bodybuilder Madonna. Ultimate Fighting Championship mixed martial artist and vegan Luke Cummo says that he drinks his own urine.

And herein lies veganism's appeal to moguls: It affords them the opportunity to control their own health with the same manic id with which they control everything else. Wynn says his new diet has allowed him to get off Lipitor (PFE). Clinton's diet made him a fashion darling at his daughter's wedding this summer. "It's probably a good thing in a CEO," says Freston about veganism. "At least they won't be toppling over like those McDonald's (MCD) CEOs." This latest show of power, in other words, gives them all the more time to enjoy the Swiss chalet and the private jet.

Long Day. Part 39729899.

Sore throat gone. My salt water baking soda rinses, cough lozenges, pushing fluids, tea with honey regimen worked pretty fast...

Woke up with Abby and had breakfast. Agnes came this morning and even though Abby hears the alarm chime "front door open" and she says happily "Aggie, Aggie" she still says "no, no, no, no, no" when she sees her and clings to my leg.  Then when Agnes puts on her jacket to take the dogs for a walk she happily says "bye bye" to her.  Poor Agnes. She's the sweetest girl.  I think Abby doesn't like the hungarian accent or something.  Then after Agnes left to take the dogs she started crying hard because she wanted to go.  Is this a preview of life with her as a teenager? Oh boy.

Dolores the new nanny also started today.  It was a full house but I wanted all hands on deck so I could go to the breast cancer breakfast...

So went to Popover breakfast sponsored by the Bosom Buddies and Tower Cancer Research Foundation at Neiman's this morning.  Got a makeover. Met some amazing women.  Got bummed out by the women who have lost their struggle.  Don't like hearing those stories right now!!!

Got my wig washed at Piny's.  After showing me my halo hair lines last time he couldn't find them this time.  Waited there an hour and was irritated. And tired. And thirsty.  And uncomfortable.  Now he has to find the halos and I'll have to go back again when he does.  Wig looks brand new again though...

Went to Clementine and ran into Caryn, another preggers Mom whose daughter Ella took swim lessons with Abby.  Then ran into Renvy, Ashley and Meredith.  Had a gap of time before my appointment with Dr. McAndrew so went to Renvy's to rest in the "pink" room.  Felt like a vacation!  Very nice. Got some good rest in and then the stupid mind would not stop thinking.  I must learn to clear my mind.

Went to Tower.  Blood Count was OK.  Hemoglobin was down again but still average compared to most pregnant women so not too alarming.  Then I got way overwhelmed when we discussed the coming plan for the remainder of the treatment-----

1. Get another ultrasound to remeasure tumor.  You can still feel the big lump but it seems smaller and seems to be breaking up but still need to confirm...
2. Deliver Peanoodle Peanut
3. Scans (Pet CT and Bone Scan) 3-4 weeks after delivery
4. Continue Chemotherapy
1. Taxol and Carboplatin combo (TBD if it will be administered 4 times once a week in low dosage or 4 times once every three weeks; the risk with once a week is that if my blood counts drop too low then I have to delay treatment until I can get it again)
5. Lumpectomy (and reduction, lift, tug, pull, redirect) 3-4 weeks after 4th Chemo session
6. Recovery from surgery (forgot to ask timing on that); please oh please don't let me get lymphedema (that would require physical therapy)
7. Radiation - 5 times a week for 6-7 weeks
8. Tamoxifen -  daily pill for 5 years (adjuvant hormone therapy)

Phaaaaq.  That timeline has really overwhelmed me.  I need some time to let this all sink in.  When someone told us that it would be a "shitty" year they weren't kidding. I mean, holy cow.  I'm really "in for it" in the coming several months.  BUT I will emerge cancer free by the end of the summer and ready to celebrate!!!  

Bleh.

I have a sore throat today.  Started battling it last night.  Annoying.  There are so many signs telling me to "chill the heck out"...Fine.  I get it. I got it.  Lying in bed right now watching Eat, Pray, Love. or as David calls it "Eat, Crap, Sleep"...he's very witty my husband.  Comes up with these little lines all by himself.  Anyway, the movie does have me thinking...

About intentions. About Goals. About Affirmations.  About Visualizations...



Every day is a blessing.

I am happy to be alive, to breathe, to grow, to challenge myself physically and mentally.

I will get rid of this cancer and be a healthier, stronger, more balanced me.

I will wake up from complacency, mediocrity and haphazardness of the mind.

I will rest.

I will mediate.

I will think positively.

I will leave in each moment.

I will smile with my whole body and my whole being.

I will take charge of my life.

I will love myself more.

I will forgive myself more.

I will not try to control that which I cannot control.

I will let myself be more carefree.

I will be a supportive, loving and nurturing wife.

I love Abby so much it hurts. I love everything about her.

I will be the best mother I can be.

I will have a healthy baby boy.

I will not allow Peanut to live in Ben's shadow the first year of his life.  Or at all.  Ever.

I will live for a very long time and watch my children grow up.

I will hear lots of giggling and laughter in this house.

I will watch my daughter grow up to challenge me and I will be grateful when she does.

I will hold my son and let him be a Momma's boy if he wants to be.

I want more than anything for my children to be proud of me.  I will not disappoint them.

I will eventually go back to work. (Doing something I love and that benefits others).

I will be a productive member of my community.

I am transforming my home into a beautiful, balanced and peaceful sanctuary.



More to come...

What a crybaby!

Did you all have a nice Thanksgiving?  I hope so!  It was a beautiful day to be with family and friends and eat delicious food with all the fixings.  It was a good day to reflect on life and what and whom we are thankful for in our lives.

I have been having a hard time with the thought of being grateful and thankful.  I feel thankful but I'm also feeling ashamed.  Ashamed and embarrassed to be so rich with friends and people who care about me.  But why?  I don't feel that special.  Yet amazing, talented, wonderful people are taking the time, so much valued time, away from their schedules to do things for me.  I am really thankful for my friends and supporters. They are making a huge difference in my life and I desperately need them.

Well, that being said, I've been crying a lot. Just randomly.  Mainly because I am such a mixed bag of emotions, feeling good but feeling bad.  Thanksgiving will do that to you, I suppose.  I feel great to have awesome friends but so sad and frustrated that I have to be such a downer.  I mean, let's face it.  If I had a friend who had cancer, of any kind, while pregnant I think I'd be pretty bummed about it and I would probably think about them all the time (and maybe not know what to do to help).  I know my friends feel that way and so I try to empathize.  It is still hard to accept all the help even though I know I can't do this alone.  This cancer and pregnancy thing is pretty fucking hard. Excuse the "french".

Poor David. He finds me randomly pouring my eyes out and he gets all worried.  This morning I was up at 4AM with "to-do's" swimming in my head so I went into the other room to type them into my tasks on my blackberry.  Then I laid in the other bed till about 5:30ish and decided to check my email and responded to a sweet Thanksgiving email from Vizhier. Then I just lost my marbles and had to come back into bed with David around 6 and wake him up with my crying.  Poor David. Seriously.  He must think I am losing it but he never says so. He just hugs me till it passes and tells me he thinks it's "cute".  Anyway, usually I'm just having a "moment" and then it passes.  Sometimes I cry because I hear an amazing song on the radio. Sometimes I see Abby doing something with our nanny and I get upset that it can't be me giggling with her outside on the swings.  Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and think this is hard and too much and too fast and what the hell??!?!  I get so angry. Sometimes I am happy and overcome with appreciation to be alive and fighting cancer with a really strong little Peanut growing inside me.  And then I get sad because I know he will be the last child I will be able to have.  Definitely a mixed bag of heavy-weight emotions.

Below is the excerpt from Eve Ensler's speech that I couldn't have said better myself.  It defines how I feel so eloquently.  I read this and cry. And cry. And cry.  This is me. This is how I feel.

I want to thank all of you for following me on this blog. Thank all of you for caring for me. Thank all of you for your emails, texts, calls, comments, facebook posts, and tweets.  Thank you for the food, the rides, the company, the referrals, the advice, and the valuable time.  It means the world to me.

Cancer stopped me
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth

It made me stay in one place
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve

We are a go...

Sitting here at Tower waiting for the hydration to finish and just finished all the Chemo drugs...blood count was very "good"...hemoglobin was back up. I'm thinking it was that burger and fries so I've been sitting here debating with Piya, my lovely nurse today and Karen, my wonderful friend about it.  They both agree that it was the burger.  Plus Dr. Daly told me yesterday that I need to eat red meat twice a week until delivery because she's worried that I'm too anemic and the iron supplements are not working well enough. That being said I'm trying to decide if I'll have Apple Pan or Johnny Rockets for dinner tonight.  I've got poison running through my veins so what's a little red meat, cheese and fried potatoes going to do??

I want to share this with you.  Jennifer, Dr. Gordon's RN and lactation consultant told me about Eve Ensler's speech at the Women's Conference in Long Beach at the end of October.  This is very moving and emotional.  This will make you cry but it will make you feel empowered too.  Empowered to change our world no matter your circumstance. If you have cancer or not you will understand.


Eve Ensler - author of I Am An Emotional Creature" and "The Vagina Monologues", Founder of V-Day

The Gift of Cancer

I gave this speech on October 26 at The Women's Conference in Long Beach, CA.

It happens like this
The doctor walks towards me
His face is ashen
He says we have found something
It does not look good
There is a trap door in the seat of the waiting room
And I am falling
And as I fall I hear
The echo of him saying
Cat scan
As big as a mango
We can't be sure
This falling goes on for days
Even though I appear to be walking
And giving speeches and riding on airplanes
I am falling
As the new doctor at the new hospital
says it
says CANCER
As I wait to hear where it's coming from
And where it's gone
As I get pricked and probed and punctured
I am falling
As they first say it is not in my liver
And then later they can't be sure
Falling
Until they drug me and wheel me off
For nine hours
And when I wake up
I am in a new country
Nothing is familiar
Because the possibility of not dying
Is gone
Because I am now living in the land of the sick
Turns out my being a vegetarian-sober-nonsmoker-activist has not protected me at all

The surgeon tells me he has done 1,000 operations and he has never seen anything like it
Then he uses the word fistula
And uterus

First thing I think of course is
Congo
I knew from the first time I went to Panzi hospital in Bukavu
I stood in the place that felt like an open barn
In the place where 200 women sat on benches
Their wounded heads
Their canes
Their sweat
The strong smell of pee and shit from their fistulae
From the holes their rapist pierced into their bodies, tearing them apart
I knew from that first moment
When I looked into their faces
And saw the crimes of this century burning in their eyes
500,000 raped women
500,000 vaginas violated
500,000 bodies massacred
500,000 wombs destroyed
I had no way to protect myself
From the hugeness of the atrocity
From the insanity of this disgrace
It rolled over me like a tsunami of pain and took me
Took me took me
I have never come back
And I never will
And I knew those women now owned me
Have me
There is no other place I could ever be
No other fight that is not this fight
It's in your uterus
The tumor of rape
That is wild across the world
The tumor of rape
That exchanges women's bodies for the price of a cell phone
Or gold or diamonds
Or anything that can be extracted and stolen from their land

The tumor of rape that began growing in me when I was only five and now has matured into something the size of a mango
That's what the doctor said
Which of course is the fruit of the Congo
The most delicious in the world

The women of Congo are in my body
First gift I realize -- I am not alone
I have imagined what it feels like to lose your uterus or your ovaries
And inside the emptiness of my missing womb
There is space
There is a hunger
To just be still
Cancer stopped me
From running
Striving
Trying to prove my worth
It stopped me
From apologizing for the truth

It made me stay in one place
For 6 months
It brought me back my sister
It allowed me to commune with my friends
It forced me to take in love
And be cared for, which made me human
It took away the privilege of the well
And made me a patient
It taught me a new kind of pain
And now I see even more clearly the sick, the poor, the raped and the oppressed and I know we are family
And the majority
And that what divides us is illusion
Created by our refusal to feel
Maintained and manipulated by those in power
And I know I almost died and that it was only a couple of inches
And a few months that kept me here
And I now live with death as my companion
And sometimes she scares me and sometimes
she comforts me
But mainly she inspires me to be braver
And I no longer have any desire to be invincible
Because it isn't possible
Or accurate
I am vulnerable and porous
And outraged and crazy-happy and alive
And I know what care is
And what it isn't
How someone can stick you with a needle
And never see you
Or they can stick you and take the time so it doesn't hurt
And I fell in love with nurses
And I know that everything is ass-backwards
That we idolize people who steal our money and own everything, rather than those who get paid very little
To serve

And I know that chemo can be a metaphor
As well as a physical treatment
And that the poison is not meant for me
But the cancer
The perpetrators
The rapists
And it's okay to imagine them dead, mutilated and destroyed
Because we need an outlet for our rage
I know that after I was battered for years by my father and raped by him I held his badness, as if it were my own
And that the surgery finally removed it
And the chemo burned it off
And I know that no one will ever again
Convince me I am bad
Nor will I tolerate being undermined
And undone
I know that the abscess that grew around my wound
After the operation
The 16 ounces of puss
Became the contaminated Gulf of Mexico
And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication made me scream the way the earth cries out from the drilling

I know that everything is connected
And the scar that runs the length of my torso is the markings of an earthquake
And I am there with the 3 million
Who are living in the streets of Port au Prince
And the fire that burns in me on day 3 through 6 of treatment is the fire that is burning the forests of so much of the world

Cancer made it clear
That time is short

And we must decide
If we devote ourselves to wrestling power inside the crumbling walls of patriarchy
or
If we are ready and brave enough to build the new world

And after searching for so many years to figure out what we are doing here
I finally get that we are being alive
Alive
Alive
And there must be time to linger
And time to enjoy
And time to remember
And time for nothing
And everything is precious
The Indian sari curtains glittering in late summer sun
The man petting his ugly dog in the park
The morning fog
The coconut popsicle

And I know that avoiding suffering is impossible

Stop defending against what is being done
Stop pretending you don't see the ragged man with his arm outstretched
Or hearing the cries of the earth being slaughtered
Or rationalizing the immoral war being fought in your name
Or finding ways to let famous rapists off the hook
Stop spending 900 billion dollars on unjust wars
While 30 million Americans are unemployed
Or justifying one genocide by another
Or burying your own story because you think you can't bear how much it hurts

Dying is the only way of being born

My cancer is blessedly gone now
My hair is growing back
I have a scar
A warrior track that runs down
My 57-year-old body
Each time I look at it I am reminded that I was opened up in order to remove the darkness
I was laid bare in order to be free of the pain
I surrendered in order to find my power
Each time I see my scar
I am reminded that I was lucky
That I had insurance
That I could afford the most extraordinary and loving surgeons and doctors
That I was surrounded by an embarrassment of love and friends and family who bought me soup and presents
And rubbed my feet and made me eggs at 6 in the morning when I was ready to throw up
I am reminded that I mattered
And because of that I recovered
I know that every single person deserves this attention
Every single person
And so my scar has become a permanent tattoo
Calling for inclusion and joy

I know that what truly kept me alive is the women of Congo
Whenever I grew despondent
Or sorry for myself
I would think of the women and girls
Who still dance after 6 million
Of their brothers and sisters have perished from the earth

Who still dance even after the international power elite has forsaken them for 13 years
Who dance now knowing that V-Day's City of Joy will open February 4th
And they will have their place, their fields
Their village to turn their pain to power
And become leaders in their world

How blessed I am to be forever linked with their destiny
I could not die
Simply until they were safe and free and running things

I bow to the women of Congo and thank them for saving my life

Follow Eve Ensler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/vdayorg

Ruh-Roh Shaggy!

Saturday I woke up with a ton of energy and was feeling great. Sunday I woke up with zero energy.  What gives? I can't figure out what the cycle or set of circumstances has to be to maintain the energy.  Instead I have to just deal with what my body decides on any particular day.  Also yesterday because I had no energy but was still trying to push myself I started having contractions.  Ruh-roh...

When I saw Dr. Daly on Friday she told me I was doing too much. I needed to rest.  My cervix is getting thinner and he's starting to drop lower.  So starting yesterday all I did was rest (Saturday I still did some stuff but not TOO much).  I was in bed most of the day Sunday except for a nice breakfast out with friends (Abby's BFF Harper plus Harper's mommy and daddy).  These contractions were really worrying me.  Dr. Daly said the contractions don't count after changing positions or using the restroom. Not counting those, the other contractions just kept coming and I couldn't get comfortable.  I went to bed around 6:30 last night.  I was still waking up with them here and there but less frequent.  Today I've only had one or two.  I decided to wear a pregnancy support band and that seems to be helping.  Hopefully I'm not squishing Peanut too much though.  That freaks me out.  That being said, I need to keep him in the womb so that I can get this last round of Chemo tomorrow and still have at least 2 weeks to recover.  Two weeks or more is the best case scenario so that all the Chemo has left my system and breast ducts and so my blood counts are back up.  Fingers crossed!!

Had two nanny candidate trials Friday and Saturday.  Both were fantastic.  Ultimately, we hired the Saturday one.  She had this really calming presence about her yet she is fiercely skilled. Abby liked her and didn't cling to my leg like does when she's not sure of someone.  Great cook and very comfortable in the kitchen (she made us french toast in the morning and chicken albondigas soup and spanish rice for dinner; we were in heaven).  I left her for about 15 minutes to do something and when I came back she had started organizing Abby's drawers on her own initiative (which as you know from my previous posts, organization is something I am obsessed with...).  Love her.  She'll start next week.

Feng Shui consultant, Laura (thank you Peir), came in this morning to scope out the house and give us suggestions.  I really connected to a lot of what she was telling me.  Simple suggestions and thankfully there aren't a lot of things that would need to be remedied at a large cost.  Get rid of clutter (particularly in our garage which has REALLY been bothering me for a long time - ties into the idea of in order to receive you must also continually give), only keep things in your house that you love; that means furniture, knick knacks, artwork, photos, etc. should all be those that make you happy. Don't hang on to things just because they have some perceived value. One thing she was a big supporter of is keeping the home environment, particularly the air, clean. That translates to natural cleaning products, if you can't do your own solutions of baking soda, vinegar and water then buy seventh generation products for convenience.  Same thing both Sharon and Dr. Gordon were telling me on two different occasions.  Our health isn't just about what we put into our bodies with food and drink but what's in our home environments. Pollutants in the air, etc. He said you should be able to go under your sink and be able to drink anything under there.  Some people may think this is very radical thinking.  To me it seems like the closer we get back to nature and natural things the better our lives will be. Back to simpler times. Farming for sustenance not abundance. No chemicals. No pesticides. No hormones. No processed foods. No excess.  America is all about excess.  I'm guilty of that myself.

Anyway, enough of that "preachy" stuff or that Sarah Palin would call "hopey, changey" stuff.  I do think it makes sense to continually self-evaluate my life and make changes where necessary.  Cancer changes your life. It makes you scrutinize everything inside and outside.

Art came back today.  Woo hoo.  Abby's oil painting (of herself) for her room, as I told Kristen, it just isn't too early to encourage self-love in my opinion.  Ha ha.  The Disney cells for Peanut's room and....the diplomas.  Kristen saw the USC one and said "WOW, that really is yellow.  Maybe he really graduated in 1972?"  Too funny.  He'd be a real Doogie Howser, MD in that case.

Got some messages that I have to coordinate with for milk donations!  Very exciting.

I'm lying in bed while typing this. I'm on modified bed rest.  Chemo tomorrow and Karen is picking me up which I am happy about.  She's my fellow SIDS mom and we've helped each other through a lot. I still think that losing a child is worse than fighting cancer but I digress.  Hydration Wednesday and then Turkey day.  We're being anonymous and going to the JC Beach Club.  I just wanted to eat good food and not talk about anything with anyone.  I know that's selfish but I don't want people looking at me with pity, even with the best of intentions and care, and asking "so how ARE you?"  I just want to be mellow, eat good food and not have conversations on a day where I am supposed to be counting my many blessings.  Yes, I do have things to be thankful for, many wonderful people and things, but I don't want to think too hard about any of it.  I just want to rest.