Holy Hell

Why are Mondays always a day from hell?

I am having some contractions right now.  Now that could be from the fact that I've had a crazy, hectic, and long day.  It really started sinking in that after all the preparation and hard work I did getting my ducks in a row they were violently shifted out of the pond to stare down the barrel of Sarah Palin's hunting rifle.  Bang. Bang. Bang.  Just like that.  Plans changed.

Called the Agency and tried to figure out what to do.  At first I figured I would see if Agnes could come back this week and next and let Dolores come back in a limited capacity until she was well.  Was that realistic?  Then I would have a hobbling nanny wearing a walking boot going up and down stairs with a newborn?  Doesn't sound too realistic. But when life throws you lemons you try to make lemonade.  Thankfully my mom is here today and she knocked some sense into me.  She said "you need to take care of yourself...you need a full charge nanny, not someone who is going to be hobbling around here; you'll be trying to take care of her instead of yourself".  That advice really sunk in.  So I called the Agency and said find me a replacement ASAP.  Interviews to begin tomorrow if possible.  They are also going to see if the other woman we had a trial with found a job or not.  If not we'd love to have her (even if it could be really awkward since she was second choice).  Thanks Mom for being here for me today and for saving me from myself.

The temporary plan wouldn't have worked anyway... Agnes texted me that she got a job and wasn't available.  I am happy for her!  But that blew apart the back up plan. My mother in law Sue is out of town on a very important visit to see her older sister who is gravely ill.  My mom is supposed to work but she said she'd do whatever I needed to help.

Then above ALL that I texted my live-in nanny to see if she could work extra hours until I found a replacement for Dolores and it turned into a full on negotiation of salary and responsibilities.  What the fuck (pardon my language)?  Seriously though. I told her I was extremely disheartened that she would take the opportunity to negotiate at a time like this.  If she could find a live-in position with the same benefits for $2 more per hour then she should take it. I'd hate to lose her for Abby's sake but I know without a doubt that after we gave her the most recent pay raise she is already above market for a live-in nanny (particularly one who doesn't function as a live-in, she functions as an hourly employee who just happens to live in our house).  Anyway, she quickly texted back saying it was a misunderstanding but that when I changed her schedule to work earlier she had an opportunity to work for another family during the holidays when her shift ended for more money.  Well of course as a "live-out" babysitter or nanny you get more money but that is because you're not living there! Not sure why I would be more empathetic to that notion...declining extra hours with us so she could work for someone else?  But I get it. She's not family and she needs to make money. The more money the better. Still just rubs me the wrong way.  There's no way I'm going to pay a live-in nanny the same rate I pay a live-out nanny.  And oh by the way all of this is cash, i.e. after-tax dollars.  But don't get me started on that whole nanny payroll issue!!!

Other than all that stupid drama, sorry for the venting, there was the usual tasks that got completed today.  Bills, filing and organizing. I went to Dr. Daly and she said Peanut looks great.  I am 37 weeks today!  A few weeks ago I was just "hoping and praying" to make it to 36 weeks and here I am...woo hoo!! Dr. Daly says I am still not dilated but that depending on what Dr. Tabsh says tomorrow she wants to deliver me on the 17th.  Abby and Peanut will be 2 years and 4 days apart.

On the way home I stopped to get the white Poinsettias I've been looking for, huge pretty full stem plants, they have them at Armstrong's.  Then coming home from that I had a nice cry as I typed out an email to David.  I was feeling nostalgic about traveling with him. He's in Vegas today and tonight. When we travel he reads a huge stack of paper from work, then as he finishes he folds it in half and puts it into the seat pocket in front of him, all the while eating red licorice. It made me miss him terribly and want to be on a plane with him going somewhere fun. It was a nice thought and then I got scared. Scared that for some terrible reason I may not get to do that for as many years as we'd planned. Scared that our life together could be cut short.  Our promise is for 60 years together (after that we can go on a dating spree).  I even inscribed "to our 60 years" on his wedding ring. There is something about being in the car by myself.  I am just very vulnerable in the car.  It must be because I'm alone. All alone with my thoughts.  That can be a good or a bad thing.  I can have those scary thoughts but I can also have very emotional happy thoughts.  This time I was focused on how much I miss those easier times with David and how I long to recreate them in the future. We will travel together again.  We will take those trips back to all those wonderful places we've been and explore new places we've always wanted to see. I wish words could adequately describe how I feel about him. Sometimes I love you and I appreciate you just aren't enough.

Wow, so who put the special liquid in my kool-aid? Sorry to vent then get all sappy. Yikes. Anyway, I'm very emotional as you can tell. I'm worried yet excited that Peanut is coming so soon. I'm scared about what my recovery and next steps of treatment will be like without being pregnant. This thought plagues me daily.  How much tougher will it be when I don't have his little kicks to keep me grounded? Will the new treatment be harsher on my system so I won't be able to play with Abby and take care of Peanut?  Ugh, I hate that I'm having these thoughts all the time. I thought I would be able to rest this week and have a break to relax.  To have some time to process things in peace and quiet before the baby arrives. To try to settle and calm my mind about the next steps coming up... But that just isn't happening.  As John Lennon said "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"...  I've got my lemons. Time to make some vegan lemon bars.