Well....I've been trying to get into Dr. Hayden's office to see photo results of surgeries similar to what I am doing. Did I update you and tell you that I am 100% positive I am going to follow Dr. Hayden's advice and get a mastectomy on my left breast? The right breast will get a reduction and lift to match the left. I believe it will work like this - mastectomy, insert expander, pump up expander over a period of 4-6 weeks depending on when I start radiation (that is the key timeline since the expander has to be "fully loaded" before I start radiation; after radiation no more fiddling), radiation for 6 weeks then when I am done and in the clear then the surgery to replace the expander with the final size saline or silicon (another decision to make) implant will take place simultaneously with the reduction and lift of the right breast. I think.
It's pretty funny. When you are endowed with large breasts you think they are annoying and a burden. All your girlfriends on the "itty bitty titty committee" are jealous and always talk about wanting larger breasts. Many of them get implants. This is serious surgery. I hate how living in hell-ay jades you into thinking, well, I'll just do this little surgery here and there...nip tuck. No big deal, right? Wrong. I'm scared to have this surgery. I know people who get implants are also making a huge decision but it is cosmetic. They won't have the huge scars slashed across the breasts like I will. Now let me say I make no judgements on whether anyone chooses to get cosmetic surgery. I had rhinoplasty myself!! I just wish I hadn't done it now that I know the difference. My old nose was great. You are never guaranteed the results. I have to have a second revision surgery since there is a piece of cartilage that pokes out (please don't stare at me funny now trying to see it since I've told you this!). I've taken my sweet ass time in doing the second surgery. I'm not convinced I really want to do it even. Every single time you go under the knife you take a risk. It is serious trauma to your body. That's why I'm freaking out a bit about the surgery.
Anyway, I was talking about my breasts not my nose. I had beautiful, amazing, fantastic breasts. I didn't know how blessed I was. I found a photo of them from a beach in Greece back in the day. First of all, to be young again like that. Oy. Second, they were divine. It's just too damn bad. Realistically after having the twins and the second baby they didn't stand a chance. They would never be like they were but I will always wonder, what it?? David commented, and rightfully so, that I am worrying too much about cosmetic outcome. It's because he loves me. He wants me to do the safest thing without doing anything unnecessary like a double mastectomy if I don't need to. Well the cat's out of the bag, I'm vain. Shit. I am really vain. I can't stop thinking about how I used to look, how I look now and how I am going to look. It's beyond stupid. For instance, I haven't been eating too much (or shall I say, I haven't been eating my normal pig-like amounts) because Chemo has attacked my taste buds and stomach and has taken the thrill of food away from me so I've been losing weight. Yet, I *like* fact that I am losing weight. Ballet is starting to define my body and I'm getting back definition in my arms, legs, rear, and stomach. I have a bald head from battling cancer and when I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I SERIOUSLY need to get my priorities in order!! Am I right?!?!? LOL.
Clearly I need to do more meditation and mental exploration.
So anyway, all that being said, I was waiting for over a week to hear from Dr. Hayden's office and I was starting to get worried. A wandering mind is not a good thing for a cancer patient. I mean I'm not just trying to get a mommy makeover, I need to get this cancer out of me so why aren't they putting the pedal to the medal?!? See how I have no problem playing the "cancer card" to get what I want. Pathetic. Anyway, I didn't go there but the Dr.'s coordinator finally called me back Friday and had a tentative date for the surgery. Monday, April 18th. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. There's an incredibly violent shift into reality that I wasn't really looking for. Heeeeelllooooooo!
I'm looking at photos, discussing financials and surgery specifics Tuesday morning. Holy moly. I am really wigging out here. In a little over three weeks my left breast will be removed and so will a portion of my lymph nodes.
I still have to tell you about 1) how I feel certain people are sleepwalking their way through life and how I want to shake them to wake them up 2) falling seriously off the bandwagon foodwise and 3) getting serious deal fatigue with vitamins, herbs, acupuncture and the like. But right now I am going to go spend some quality time with my little prince and princess. *Smile*!!!
And Happy Birthday to David today!
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