Ho Hum

I cannot get myself out of this funk. Today I woke up, took care of Leo for two hours, then put him down to get dressed then had to drive to Vicenti Foods (since I forgot that I had to bring toddler sandwiches to Abby's Easter party at Sunshine preschool) and buy supplies. Came home and frantically made little sandwiches and cut them into little shapes using cookie cutters.  Someone suggested that to me and it stuck in my head. I think the kids would have cared less. It irritated me that, of course, the easy stuff like "fruit" or "cookies" were accounted for by the time the sign up sheet got to me so I had to sign up for "toddler food"...I mean what the hell is that exactly?  If people are bringing sugar and sugar they sho' ain't gonna be wantin' turkey sandwiches now are they!?!?!  Anyway, I made cream cheese and strawberry jelly sandwiches and turkey and cheese sandwiches lovingly cut into ovals, butterflies, cars and hands.  A hand sandwich, anyone?  That's a play on ham sandwich. I do crack myself up. Anyway, made the sandwiches then rushed over to Sunshine, played with Abby then made the switch with my mom so I could go to Tower.  Drove to Tower Oncology for my CBC, pre-op blood work and EKG.  My blood numbers were really low. So I had to have the shot, but this time at least is was a neupogen shot, not the neulasta. Still sucks but I least this is the home stretch...all these things get me through to the surgery on Monday.  I need to be healthy for the surgery.  I sped home to eat some lunch and hang out with Abby a bit then I left for acupuncture, tuina massage and to try infrared sauna for the first time. I am doing three of these sessions this week in hopes of detoxing the chemo drugs out of my system.


I explained to my acupuncturist how I feel so fatigued about everything. I haven't taken my vitamins or herbs in over a week (actually more). I didn't want to get acupuncture. I told her no needles today. I was already poked twice, first for blood tests then for the neupogen. I just don't want to do any of this anymore. Thankfully I dozed off snoring for about half an hour during the acupuncture. I really needed a nap.

I also told my acupuncturist that the discipline of trying to do everything "right" is exhausting. She said I've been on a long journey but it's almost over. Surgery, recovery, then six weeks of radiation. But it just doesn't feel that way to me. How come now that I should see the light at the end of the tunnel I can't make it the extra mile to cross the finish line?  I'm probably just scared.  I mean, I know I am scared. I don't want to even think about my surgery.  I also told her about my scare Thursday and Friday and she said that was a serious roller coaster.  She's right. I haven't climbed the track to the top again yet though. I'm still in a low area of obvious depression. She also said that not only am I dealing with that from cancer but she also pointed out that I am dealing with post-partum issues too. Ugh.


I drove home from my tuina massage, pulled into the garage and sat in my car and cried. I need a break. I just didn't want to be home. The monotony of it all. The routine of it all. I'm not just tired of the cancer treatment I'm tired of everything.  I feel like I've lost my desire for so many things, that zest and that zeal. I used to be such a happy and upbeat person. I'm no good to anyone including myself right now.  I talked to David while he was in Sydney today and told him how I feel mentally tired, physically tired (I'm sure from the low blood counts), emotionally tired and spiritually tired. I told him I just want to check into a spa and take a break. He, of course, agreed and said I should. It sounds good in a way but how do you get away and take a break from your kids without feeling guilty and selfish? I felt like such a bad mother because I didn't want to go inside the house. I didn't want to eat dinner in the kitchen with Abby gabbing in my ear or give her or Leo a bath or put them to bed. It's a high stress thing raising an active 2 year old. I'm constantly on alert and in a state of agitation. She is constantly negotiating something and is generally the "boss" of me. No mommy. Mommy do this. Mommy do that. It's unbearable sometimes. I have to give myself "mommy" time outs a lot lately.  My patience is really running low.  Maybe I need that break more than ever.  A very good friend pointed out to me that I really am no good to the kids if I'm not able to be good to myself, especially now.

I gathered myself up and went inside.  Abby was just sitting down to dinner with my mom and she was so excited to see me.  She wouldn't let me put her down.  I had to go to the restroom and so she had to come too.  She was excitingly talking to me about something and I told her I loved her. She said "I love you momma" and I just looked at her little precious face and started crying. I couldn't keep it together.  I didn't want to alarm her so I told her mommy was "very sad" right now.  She didn't freak out instead she gave me the biggest hug squeezing my neck. How does a 2 year old understand how to comfort her own mother? I stood there letting her hug me.  How do you want to take a break from that and not feel like a horrible person?  I have to figure this out. I need some help maybe.  As David and I so often joke "that's it, I'm calling Pam"...