I had my breast MRI Thursday morning as planned. David asked me several times to join me and I just didn't think it was a big deal enough for him to have to go there with me and sit outside. The MRI was routine, the typical heavy metal/techno rave concert except this time I was lying on my stomach with my breasts through two holes, my ears in headphones, my head in a vice and my arms over my head. I would say it was about as comfortable as, oh I don't know, medieval torture?! After 25 minutes it was over.
I went to Neiman's after that to see Ashley at her trunk show. It was also nice to do some retail therapy. Three pairs of shoes later I go have lunch with Ashley's mom Renvy. She had a unique experience at 36 after her second child so we talked and talked about these changes I'm currently and about to go through. One of the things Renvy talked to me about was letting people take care of me and take care of themselves. For instance, she asked if David was being a typical male about the sickness; most men walk or run away or even worse ignore or deny when their partner is sick. It can cause a lot of strife. Thankfully David has been nothing but supportive. Sometimes he just wants to "fix" things but since we go to therapy (thank you Pam) he's learned to just listen to me when I need to talk things through. I don't need someone to make a decision for me I usually just want some help in talking myself through a decision algorithm if you will. She also asked if David seemed scared. I told her I didn't think so even though I know that deep down he really is. He asked me 17 different times and ways about going. Renvy suggested that David wanted to go for me AND for him. He probably wants to be there for me and so I should just let him. That is an important lesson to learn. I am so used to trying to do everything on my own and so used to taking care of other people and not wanting to be a bother. Time to let people take care of me and not feel bad about it or feel like I am an inconvenience.
After lunch I rushed home and Abby was still sleeping. When she woke up we had a great time playing inside and outside, to and fro, upstairs and downstairs, and then we made chocolate coconut cupcakes for Daddy. Ashley came over to visit and Abby was ecstatic to show off her vocabulary she's gained in the past three weeks since Ashley has been gone. Too cute.
After dinner I got an email from Dr. Alice Chung and it felt like my world started to fall apart. She said that she talked to Dr. Philomena McAndrew about the results of the tests and that she knew Philomena would be calling me but wanted to follow up with me since there were some abnormalities shown in my nodes on the right. On the right...well we all know my cancer and my infectious nodes are on the LEFT. In her email she said that I could wait until Tuesday when I had planned to see her or I could come in sooner and can she have my phone number to call me. I immediately emailed her with my number and told her that I hadn't talked to Philomena but now I am nervous so could she please call me right away? Thankfully Ashley was giving Abby her bath so I called David to come downstairs and commiserate. It wasn't really registering with me. The right side? What the f u c k?? Alice called me about 5 minutes later, thank you iPhones and blackberry phones, and told me that there were suspicious nodes on the right that didn't show up before but that the MRI isn't entirely accurate on lymph nodes so I need to come in for an ultrasound to double check. She also said that when she spoke to Philomena that my PET/CT from a few months ago was normal and nothing showed up. She said not to worry but could I come in first thing tomorrow morning for an ultrasound? Y E S. Well the wind was really knocked out of my sails after that so I went upstairs and decided to shut myself in Leo's room and put him to sleep. I just didn't want to think about it. If there were infected nodes that are showing up NOW after months of chemotherapy and are new growths that weren't noticed last September then that meant the cancer has metastasized and I am truly a Stage 4 cancer patient. There is a HUGE difference between Stage 3 and Stage 4. Stage 4 cancer is considered NOT curable, just treatable because you can manage the disease and the symptoms but you never are considered in remission.
I was exhausted (or looking back on it now I was probably two things - in denial and a bit depressed) so I went to bed early even though I wasn't looking forward to waking up and going into the hospital for the test. I do know that knowledge is power and that most likely it wasn't going to be anything but I've been so severely disappointed in the past few months about my health that I couldn't make an educated guess either way about the potential results. All I could do was hope they were fine. We got to St. John's and waited about half an hour before seeing Alice. She came in for the clinical portion and didn't feel any palpable nodes. That was a good sign. Now on to the ultrasound. As I lay there I watched the technician roll around the armpit and breast looking at my nodes. Every node that she came to looked to me normal with a healthy layer of fat in it. No dark spots (that's cancer). Of course I'm not a radiologist but I do know after this whole experience what they are supposed to look like and they looked fine to me. I made that commented and she agreed. She went to get the radiologist and then Dr. Chung came in too. That felt ominous. They kept looking for this one internal mammary node that they thought looked suspicious. It is larger than normal. But it still looks healthy. No reason to biopsy. That was good news. He felt they were larger than normal but could be followed up in 6 months time. Good news. Phew. I asked Alice if that still meant I would be safer getting a double mastectomy and she said that it really didn't warrant such a dramatic step. I don't like that uneasy feeling and having that anxious feeling every six months won't be great for my long term health, I know that much. I was shaking but I was so relieved. They decided I should do a mammogram on the right side to check the calcifications I had when they last examined me in September. They told me to wait in this little area but instead I ran to the other side of the center to tell David that the news was good. I gave him the hugest hug and it wasn't until then that I realized just how upset I was about all of this. It isn't until you know you are in the clear and safe that you allow yourself to realize that you were actually scared as hell staring straight down into the fucking abyss.
After the mammogram we got more good news that the calcifications seem the same since last September which is further evidence that I don't need to get the prophylactic mastectomy on the right.
UGGGGHHHHHH. What a hell of a night and morning. I am so wiped out. I am so sick and tired of this emotional and physical roller coaster. Seriously. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, April 18th. I have one week before that and all I want to do is runaway. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to be anything. I just want to sit in a room and stare at the wall. I better call the therapist. I must be depressed. I mean, wouldn't you be? I am about to lose my left breast. That's a huge deal. Everyone keeps telling me to look on the bright side since after the surgery my cancer will be gone. I guess so. Or that it will be one more step towards finishing this ordeal, I'll "only" have radiation after this point. Oh yeah. Just. I'm having one of those dark periods where I can't think positive. I'm just so pissed off. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm aggravated. WTF. Serious pity party alert. Everyone keeps talking about spring break and all I can think of is that for Spring Break 2011 I am getting a mastectomy. I'm not going on vacation, I'm not taking time off from work, I'm not going somewhere fun to create memories with my kids. Nope. I'm getting a mastectomy. Nice.
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