I got a flu shot yesterday. Could that be why this morning I could do nothing but lay in bed? I literally had zero energy. I had to get out of bed around 9 so David could get on a conference call and go to a meeting. I decided to take Abby to get a bagel. She really is a delight to be with even when I am trying so hard to keep myself together. She was jumping up and down looking at the bagels. Then we sat in the big bar chairs at the counter to eat and drink. She had a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese that I cut into little bite size chunks and I had egg and tomato on half a whole wheat scooped out bagel. We shared a fresh squeezed orange juice (which reminded me that I didn't do any of my supplements, vitamins or herbs that morning). She also grabbed a box of "taxi's, taxi's" for a snack later. I am loving how fast her vocabulary is building. Not only is she a little parrot but she answers questions and expresses her own ideas.
We came home and Roxana took over so I could lay down again. I needed to change my port dressing but I didn't have any more gauze nor did I have the energy. I took off the old bandage, poured some hydrogen peroxide on and just let it air dry. I still believe that it is getting better but it is taking so long to heal. I need to be patient. After this week I think I will be able to let it breathe but it really looks gross and I don't delight in freaking people out. Oh and I took my glutamine, vitamins, and herbs while I ate the vegetarian ratatouille for lunch. Then I conked out for a nap.
Speaking of other people...I finally motivated around 4pm and went to the drug store to buy the gauze. As I was checking out of CVS I heard a woman say "Sir?" and I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or to the Manager standing next to me so I turned around and then she says "Oh, when are you due?!?!" I was so bewildered. I told her "mid-December" then glared. I seriously think she called me "Sir" not the manager. I was wearing nothing but my black fedora over my bald head. I was so shocked but then I just started laughing on the way to the car. UGH!!
Last night Christel came over to bring me some vegetarian ratatouille but I was craving sushi so we went to Pearl Dragon. I think that's the first time in a long while that I've been out to dinner. We pretty much eat at home or order in these days. It was nice to get out. I wore a hat but halfway through dinner I just took it off and went bald. It's pretty dark in Pearl Dragon but honestly, I just didn't care. Christel pointed out that I was like Amber Rose (Kanye West's ex-girlfriend) except that I haven't bleached my hair or tanned my head. I think I am going to call Portofino Sun Center and see if they can spray tan my head. Then maybe the contrast won't be so bad and I can just walk around bald (which is what I really want to do). The only problem is that I still have this port dressed and if people see that AND they see my bald head they can easily tell I'm a cancer patient. But seriously, why do I care? I don't care if I make them uncomfortable. I know it must be incredibly awkward to see a bald, pregnant, cancer patient but it is what it is. At the same time, I don't like looking at my own bald head because it is still in that awkward transitional phase of white, bald patches, break outs...so until I get that looking better I won't subject other people to it either. So that is to be continued...
We had to stop at Maggie's house to pick up a coupon that she left for me in her mailbox. On the way there we kept laughing saying that we were going to TP (toilet paper) a couple of her trees as a joke. We almost stopped at Ralphs to pick up the TP. Then we remembered that Maggie doesn't always get our stupid American childhood humor because she grew up in Poland. We decided against it. Then when we got there we thought we could put a bag of poop in her mailbox instead! We decided against that too. We weren't sure that Maggie would appreciate the humor of it. Then we thought about maybe TP'ing Susie's house since she lives just a few doors down from Maggie. It was just funny to pretend we were going to do these things... We laughed till we cried on the ride home. I have a feeling if we all lived closer together that there would be some major neighborhood TP and poop-bag wars going on...
People keep telling me that I am so strong and so brave. How do I do it? I just don't feel that way. I don't feel that strong. I don't feel that brave. I feel that I am doing what anyone else would do to survive and be there for their family. I think I am naturally a fighter though. I am extremely competitive. I mean, ask Christel, I once made her play extra games of tennis with me after work so I could be sure to beat her. I literally wouldn't let her leave. I believe that "there is no such thing as I can't...only won't". I usually find a way to get my way. I'm a hard worker. Dreams don't come true for the dreaming, they manifest only through planning and hard work. Fighting cancer is no exception.
Also. I forgot to mention that yesterday I saw Dr. Daly and had my first in-office monitoring. Nurse Jan hooked me up to the machines and I had to press this button on a push control connected to the device every time he moved. It looked like one of those devices that if I pressed the button someone somewhere would get an electric shock... Anyway, shortly after she hooked my up I found a comfortable position and he just went wild. Jan walked right back in and said "he has hiccups"...but he was also moving up a storm kicking me as well. It was nice to lay there listening to his heart beat while he kicked the crap out of me. He seemed to be having a grand old time. :) After the monitoring, Dr. Daly checked my cervix and even though he's in position there was no dilation. Whew. Then it was on to the ultrasound... Susan was there today and she told me they got a new machine. The new machine has 4D! Peanut is still measuring two weeks ahead. He's already 4.5 pounds at 31.5 weeks. He was babbling again and then he turned around onto his stomach and put his butt in our direction. Too funny. (OK all you Monty Python fans, in unison..."I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"). Susan was able to get a nice 4D photo of his nose, lips, and cheeks. He is beautiful. I know I'm biased but she said it first! Big, juicy lips and cheeks. His nose looks a little more like mine than David's but we'll find out soon enough!
Also, also. Forgot to mention Abby and Francesca as Laverne and Shirley at our dress rehearsal at BP toddler group. I have GOT to upload the photos so that you can see how ridiculously cute they were. It was so fun to watch them. Kudos to Suzanne for making the best costumes ever! The best part is that it is something they can wear easily and don't want to take off. Many of the other kids kept taking off parts or all of their costumes and the girls just kept theirs on. Brilliant!!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Up yours Billy Joel
As I was driving to acupuncture yesterday in my awesome buick enclave I was flipping through my XM stations and Classic Vinyl was featuring Billy Joel..."only the good die young". Guess, what. Screw you Billy Joel. Not going to happen! Maybe I should start running with the sinners...
Anyway, Sue, My MIL (mother-in-law) came over early today and is going to help me. She showed up super early and is making us breakfast so I have a quick minute to post an update! Yeah for Sue! Yeah for cream of what and poached eggs! Yeah for sleeping like a log last night! Yeah for a beautiful sunrise that Abby and I are watching out the master bedroom balcony window. Red! Orange! Purple! Blue! Oh wait, now it's a little too bright. Going to close that curtain now... OK, that's better.
What have I done this week? Last time the Monday-Wednesday period the week and a half after my first cycle was the hardest. I am surprisingly doing well. I have better energy than last time. I have been really good about taking my supplements, vitamins, sticking to my diet yet still allowing myself to be a normal pregnant woman with cravings and have a cheat day (like last night where Ashley brought over La Scala and I had my veggie puree soup, tuna chopped salad no cheese, and spaghetti bolognese) and I think all of this is contributing to my health. No mouth sores. Good blood counts. I only have one nail bed on my thumb that is turning black. I have a good energy level (that's relative of course).
I went to the Tower Cancer Research Foundation luncheon and fundraiser Monday with Sharon. It was a nicely done event at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I sported my new wig and maternity clothes. I received lots of compliments. Not sure if that is because people suspected I was a patient or not....Hmmmm. I shouldn't be that obvious! Anyway, we saw Dr. McAndrew and she gave us big hugs. Later in the ballroom she grabbed my hand and said I want you to meet someone. She walked me over to her table and sitting right next to her was one of my mommy friends Suzann. This is the same mommy friend I just ran into at the farmer's market and cried right after picking out some beets. Well, seeing her made me cry again when I told her that I am feeling pretty great and then I cried even more when she said that she would try to pump for breast milk for Peanut. She's due end of November with her second baby, a little girl. I could tell this was going to be an emotional lunch.
Sharon and I sat there and tried to not cry the whole time with all the speakers talking about those with cancer that were no longer with us. Not exactly the best thing to listen to while undergoing or having just undergone treatment!! After Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa, spoke we made a pact to leave after the lunch if the speakers kept going into topics of death...but we didn't need to after all. The next speaker was Beverlye Hyman Fead who wrote a book called "Nana, What's Cancer?" and she was pretty inspirational. The next speaker, Gail Parent, left us wondering why she was even speaking at a Cancer Fundraiser, she just went on and on about famous actresses she had worked with...a little painful. Nonetheless, we ended up having a nice lunch and I bought the centerpiece to bring home and brighten up the kitchen. Then I took a nice nap...
Monday other than the luncheon I got lots of things accomplished. The plumber came back and finished the adjustments. The computer guy came and fixed the printers and the network again. Peanut's dresser was delivered. Agnes, the new mother's helper, started Monday and Abby seemed to like her. My mom was here and Elizabeth, our housekeeper, was here so it was a full house with lots of activity but Abby really seemed to enjoy herself. She is really loving her new swing set. Thank goodness. If she didn't use it I'm sure I wouldn't hear the end of it since it cost a pretty penny!! It has come in very handy this last week while she had a cold and couldn't go to class or have play dates.
Elmo's world is over and now it's time for breastfast! I'll check in again soon. But not to worry, I'm doing really well. The only thing that is bothering me about that is it makes me think 1) is it not working? 2) is the baby's placenta absorbing too much of the Chemo? 3) am I like the lady on house that had two cancers and one was feeding the other and so she couldn't treat it in time? Stupid, dark thoughts that I know aren't true but they still creep in there. I should be thankful to be doing well. I should be proud of doing well since I am being so good about my routine and regimen. Right?!?!?
Anyway, Sue, My MIL (mother-in-law) came over early today and is going to help me. She showed up super early and is making us breakfast so I have a quick minute to post an update! Yeah for Sue! Yeah for cream of what and poached eggs! Yeah for sleeping like a log last night! Yeah for a beautiful sunrise that Abby and I are watching out the master bedroom balcony window. Red! Orange! Purple! Blue! Oh wait, now it's a little too bright. Going to close that curtain now... OK, that's better.
What have I done this week? Last time the Monday-Wednesday period the week and a half after my first cycle was the hardest. I am surprisingly doing well. I have better energy than last time. I have been really good about taking my supplements, vitamins, sticking to my diet yet still allowing myself to be a normal pregnant woman with cravings and have a cheat day (like last night where Ashley brought over La Scala and I had my veggie puree soup, tuna chopped salad no cheese, and spaghetti bolognese) and I think all of this is contributing to my health. No mouth sores. Good blood counts. I only have one nail bed on my thumb that is turning black. I have a good energy level (that's relative of course).
I went to the Tower Cancer Research Foundation luncheon and fundraiser Monday with Sharon. It was a nicely done event at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I sported my new wig and maternity clothes. I received lots of compliments. Not sure if that is because people suspected I was a patient or not....Hmmmm. I shouldn't be that obvious! Anyway, we saw Dr. McAndrew and she gave us big hugs. Later in the ballroom she grabbed my hand and said I want you to meet someone. She walked me over to her table and sitting right next to her was one of my mommy friends Suzann. This is the same mommy friend I just ran into at the farmer's market and cried right after picking out some beets. Well, seeing her made me cry again when I told her that I am feeling pretty great and then I cried even more when she said that she would try to pump for breast milk for Peanut. She's due end of November with her second baby, a little girl. I could tell this was going to be an emotional lunch.
Sharon and I sat there and tried to not cry the whole time with all the speakers talking about those with cancer that were no longer with us. Not exactly the best thing to listen to while undergoing or having just undergone treatment!! After Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa, spoke we made a pact to leave after the lunch if the speakers kept going into topics of death...but we didn't need to after all. The next speaker was Beverlye Hyman Fead who wrote a book called "Nana, What's Cancer?" and she was pretty inspirational. The next speaker, Gail Parent, left us wondering why she was even speaking at a Cancer Fundraiser, she just went on and on about famous actresses she had worked with...a little painful. Nonetheless, we ended up having a nice lunch and I bought the centerpiece to bring home and brighten up the kitchen. Then I took a nice nap...
Monday other than the luncheon I got lots of things accomplished. The plumber came back and finished the adjustments. The computer guy came and fixed the printers and the network again. Peanut's dresser was delivered. Agnes, the new mother's helper, started Monday and Abby seemed to like her. My mom was here and Elizabeth, our housekeeper, was here so it was a full house with lots of activity but Abby really seemed to enjoy herself. She is really loving her new swing set. Thank goodness. If she didn't use it I'm sure I wouldn't hear the end of it since it cost a pretty penny!! It has come in very handy this last week while she had a cold and couldn't go to class or have play dates.
Elmo's world is over and now it's time for breastfast! I'll check in again soon. But not to worry, I'm doing really well. The only thing that is bothering me about that is it makes me think 1) is it not working? 2) is the baby's placenta absorbing too much of the Chemo? 3) am I like the lady on house that had two cancers and one was feeding the other and so she couldn't treat it in time? Stupid, dark thoughts that I know aren't true but they still creep in there. I should be thankful to be doing well. I should be proud of doing well since I am being so good about my routine and regimen. Right?!?!?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Weekend...
Made it out last night for my first social outing. I wore my new wig from Piny. Let me take a moment to reflect back to Saturday where I waited an hour AND a half to see him (and when I say "I" what I really mean is "my sister Lindsey and I") and then it took another half hour for him to actually cut and style the wig. Anyway, as I was sitting there I told Lindsey that I have really been enjoying just being bald. It feels good. I feel bold. I feel natural. What's wrong with that? After Piny works his magic my sister says she likes it even though I'm not convinced. I wanted to look like a brunette Heidi Klum (with her new Project Runway "mommy-do") but I feel I look like more Pete Rose instead (thank you Liz Lemon)...
We head off to Pea in the Pod so I can pick up a few items to comfortably make it through the next two months of pregnancy (and hopefully be somewhat stylish). We walk in and the sales woman who helps me is a sweet African American woman, Eve, who is bald. I pick some things and go back to the dressing room. I pick up the front of my wig and tell Eve, "I'm bald under here" and she rubs her head and says "Me too"... We both have a good laugh. She asks why I'm bald and I tell her Chemo for Stage III breast cancer. And she tells me "Stage IV Uterine Cancer"... She just finished her last round of Chemo. We share our stories so what should have been a half hour clothing trip turned into an hour. It turns out that you think your situation is bad but it can always be worse. Eve wants to be a mother and had to, as she says, "have all her plumbing" removed so that won't happen for her without adoption. I know that I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter and a son on the way. For those of you that are praying for me, can you say a prayer for Eve too?
After that my sister and I drove home and I got to spend a short time with Abby before we headed to the wine tasting. I had one sip of wine and it really didn't interest me. What a shame. There were some truly amazing wines being poured. It was a horizontal of about 14 different To Kalon region wines, some really spectacular wines that David got to enjoy. I was such a trooper and thankfully I was able to sit for the majority of the evening because all my friends rock. Thank you to Joe and Lorraine for having us! I received many compliments on my Heidi Klum/Dorothy Hamill/Pete Rose wig. I'm sure I'll be sporting it at many more dinners and events, however for the most part I will go au natural! ;-)
Speaking of au natural, I am still waiting for the manual on baldness. After I got home last night I took off the wig (which was applied with tape which I am sure is NOT great for the fuzz left on my head) and my scalp was a little irritated. When I shower lately I'm not sure how often I should be washing my head so I seem to forget to do it. Sounds horrible but what is there to wash? I decided to wash my scalp nonetheless and saw more breakouts on my head. Ugh. Not happy. That only means I am not washing my scalp often enough or that the stupid hats are irritating my skin. There must be some adjustment period for baldness and I just haven't reached it yet.
This morning I woke up with some energy. Abby woke up on the earlier side but since she's got that runny nose I can't hold her to the "six three oh" rule so we got up early and started our day. We were early for Cafe Vida so we walked over to Coffee bean and got a decaf green tea no sugar added tea latte. They told me that had a Splenda base but really I am going to have to learn how to have tea without almond milk or some kind of milky additive. I have become addicted to milk in my tea. It's so warming and comforting. Anyway, Sharon blasted me since I'm just adding unnecessary sugar. Plus Abby loves it my way too so I'm giving her extra sugar she doesn't need either. Blah blah. Can't I just have one thing that isn't too bad and I can use like a treat? Abby gets some of my tea in her own little cup and it is the cutest thing ever. She's walking in her gray UGG boots with her cupcake beanie hat from Auntie Trish while holding and sipping her tea latte. When did she grow up?!?!?! All of a sudden she's this little person walking and talking and demanding a tea latte. Yikes.
As we walk back to Cafe Vida we see Matt, Maggie and Harper drive by on their way to Vida too. Abby starts screaming "Harper, Harper, Harper" then as we cross the street she says "and Maaaggie", oh she's too cute. She's just letting all these words come out and now she's talking in sentences too. The other morning I told her I was going to play "goolie goochie" which is really just my version of the tickle monster. I start pinching my thumbs and forefinger together and say "goolie goochie" and she looks at me and says "Uh oh Momma, no Goolie Goochie"!! I laughed so hard I almost cried.
We had a nice breakfast with them and Peter and Susie joined us too. We had fun. After that I really wanted to go to the farmer's market for some fruits and veggies. I gave David some checks to deposit then I took Abby to the market. She was actually sitting in the stroller seemingly relaxed so I took advantage and left her in there (sitting in the stroller for longer than 5 minutes is a huge feat for Abby). I got to my favorite apple vendor "Ha's farms" and the folk singers were set up right in front of their stand so I parked her to listen while I picked out some fruit. Perfect...until she started screaming, OUT OUT OUT. So fine, she got out and I told her we have to pay so she says "Money". This girl already knows all about money. She took some money and paid the vendor for me. I've always had her "pay" even when she was little and I walked around with her in the baby bjorn. Then she says "thank you"!!
We ran into one of my mommy friends and she says that I look like I am doing well and have good energy. And she's right. I said that I felt good and I did have a lot of energy this morning. After that I went to my next favorite vendor and as I'm standing there I am so overcome with emotion that I start to get teary-eyed picking out some beets. I just felt so happy. Happy to be alive, happy to be with Abby and David, happy to have Peanut in my belly, happy to be fighting breast cancer in the best way I know how, happy to have energy and participate in the world. It just felt nice.
We got home and I finished one of Abby's preschool applications. There was a questionnaire portion to the application so I finessed the answers I had previously worked on a couple nights before. It felt good to accomplish that so I could send it in this week. I like checking things off my list. After that David picked up some yummy salads from Cafe Montana and after eating I fell asleep for about two hours. Or shall I say I crashed? It was really nice to have that spurt of energy in the morning though. And nice to spend all that time with Abby. She really is tiring. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. Lately I can spend about half an hour with her and then I am spent.
This week - tomorrow Agnes, the new morning "mother's helper" starts, I have a the Tower Oncology luncheon and fundraiser with Sharon tomorrow (and get to meet more of the Bosom Buddies breast cancer survivors), more of Peanut's nursery furniture is being delivered, and I think that's it. Tuesday the plumber. Wednesday is acupuncture with Dr. Kumiko. If Abby is better this will also be the week of her getting dressed up for her Toddler groups on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday is Dr. Daly. Then it is Halloween weekend! Kristen's mom Suzanne has already finished LaVerne and Shirley's coordinating sweaters. I can't wait to see them!! We're thinking little circle skirts too. Just in case people don't "get" the LaVerne and Shirley angle, Abby and Francesca will look like coordinating girls in 50's attire.
Abby did not want to go to sleep tonight. She was screaming and crying which is so unlike her. I am preparing myself for either a long night, a same day appointment to the doctor and possibly canceling the luncheon plans, or some combination thereof. She's not had an ear infection before but she's had UTI's in the past so I'm hoping that it's just her being uncomfortable and not wanting to sleep while sick instead of something more serious. She's had the runny nose for days now so I imagine that if it was something more serious it would have presented itself much sooner plus she would run a fever. You see, I'm really getting very good at all this doctor stuff.
That's all folks. I'm praying for good health for Abby. I'm praying for a good week for me since last time in the Chemo cycle this coming Monday - Wednesday were the hardest for me. Oh yeah, shhhh, don't tell anyone but I stopped doing the Rx mouth rinse and went back to the baking soda/salt rinse plus kept the religious L-glutamine 3x a day routine and all has been well. No mouth sores!
Oh forgot to mention that Dr. Newman got back to me within 15 minutes of sending my initial "breast feeding with cancer" question the other day. I guess that peaked his interest. Here is his response (and as a reminder I was comparing my situation to another in his book where he recommended a mother wait to continue Chemo treatment so that she could breastfeed her child for a few months longer):
We head off to Pea in the Pod so I can pick up a few items to comfortably make it through the next two months of pregnancy (and hopefully be somewhat stylish). We walk in and the sales woman who helps me is a sweet African American woman, Eve, who is bald. I pick some things and go back to the dressing room. I pick up the front of my wig and tell Eve, "I'm bald under here" and she rubs her head and says "Me too"... We both have a good laugh. She asks why I'm bald and I tell her Chemo for Stage III breast cancer. And she tells me "Stage IV Uterine Cancer"... She just finished her last round of Chemo. We share our stories so what should have been a half hour clothing trip turned into an hour. It turns out that you think your situation is bad but it can always be worse. Eve wants to be a mother and had to, as she says, "have all her plumbing" removed so that won't happen for her without adoption. I know that I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter and a son on the way. For those of you that are praying for me, can you say a prayer for Eve too?
After that my sister and I drove home and I got to spend a short time with Abby before we headed to the wine tasting. I had one sip of wine and it really didn't interest me. What a shame. There were some truly amazing wines being poured. It was a horizontal of about 14 different To Kalon region wines, some really spectacular wines that David got to enjoy. I was such a trooper and thankfully I was able to sit for the majority of the evening because all my friends rock. Thank you to Joe and Lorraine for having us! I received many compliments on my Heidi Klum/Dorothy Hamill/Pete Rose wig. I'm sure I'll be sporting it at many more dinners and events, however for the most part I will go au natural! ;-)
Speaking of au natural, I am still waiting for the manual on baldness. After I got home last night I took off the wig (which was applied with tape which I am sure is NOT great for the fuzz left on my head) and my scalp was a little irritated. When I shower lately I'm not sure how often I should be washing my head so I seem to forget to do it. Sounds horrible but what is there to wash? I decided to wash my scalp nonetheless and saw more breakouts on my head. Ugh. Not happy. That only means I am not washing my scalp often enough or that the stupid hats are irritating my skin. There must be some adjustment period for baldness and I just haven't reached it yet.
This morning I woke up with some energy. Abby woke up on the earlier side but since she's got that runny nose I can't hold her to the "six three oh" rule so we got up early and started our day. We were early for Cafe Vida so we walked over to Coffee bean and got a decaf green tea no sugar added tea latte. They told me that had a Splenda base but really I am going to have to learn how to have tea without almond milk or some kind of milky additive. I have become addicted to milk in my tea. It's so warming and comforting. Anyway, Sharon blasted me since I'm just adding unnecessary sugar. Plus Abby loves it my way too so I'm giving her extra sugar she doesn't need either. Blah blah. Can't I just have one thing that isn't too bad and I can use like a treat? Abby gets some of my tea in her own little cup and it is the cutest thing ever. She's walking in her gray UGG boots with her cupcake beanie hat from Auntie Trish while holding and sipping her tea latte. When did she grow up?!?!?! All of a sudden she's this little person walking and talking and demanding a tea latte. Yikes.
As we walk back to Cafe Vida we see Matt, Maggie and Harper drive by on their way to Vida too. Abby starts screaming "Harper, Harper, Harper" then as we cross the street she says "and Maaaggie", oh she's too cute. She's just letting all these words come out and now she's talking in sentences too. The other morning I told her I was going to play "goolie goochie" which is really just my version of the tickle monster. I start pinching my thumbs and forefinger together and say "goolie goochie" and she looks at me and says "Uh oh Momma, no Goolie Goochie"!! I laughed so hard I almost cried.
We had a nice breakfast with them and Peter and Susie joined us too. We had fun. After that I really wanted to go to the farmer's market for some fruits and veggies. I gave David some checks to deposit then I took Abby to the market. She was actually sitting in the stroller seemingly relaxed so I took advantage and left her in there (sitting in the stroller for longer than 5 minutes is a huge feat for Abby). I got to my favorite apple vendor "Ha's farms" and the folk singers were set up right in front of their stand so I parked her to listen while I picked out some fruit. Perfect...until she started screaming, OUT OUT OUT. So fine, she got out and I told her we have to pay so she says "Money". This girl already knows all about money. She took some money and paid the vendor for me. I've always had her "pay" even when she was little and I walked around with her in the baby bjorn. Then she says "thank you"!!
We ran into one of my mommy friends and she says that I look like I am doing well and have good energy. And she's right. I said that I felt good and I did have a lot of energy this morning. After that I went to my next favorite vendor and as I'm standing there I am so overcome with emotion that I start to get teary-eyed picking out some beets. I just felt so happy. Happy to be alive, happy to be with Abby and David, happy to have Peanut in my belly, happy to be fighting breast cancer in the best way I know how, happy to have energy and participate in the world. It just felt nice.
We got home and I finished one of Abby's preschool applications. There was a questionnaire portion to the application so I finessed the answers I had previously worked on a couple nights before. It felt good to accomplish that so I could send it in this week. I like checking things off my list. After that David picked up some yummy salads from Cafe Montana and after eating I fell asleep for about two hours. Or shall I say I crashed? It was really nice to have that spurt of energy in the morning though. And nice to spend all that time with Abby. She really is tiring. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. Lately I can spend about half an hour with her and then I am spent.
This week - tomorrow Agnes, the new morning "mother's helper" starts, I have a the Tower Oncology luncheon and fundraiser with Sharon tomorrow (and get to meet more of the Bosom Buddies breast cancer survivors), more of Peanut's nursery furniture is being delivered, and I think that's it. Tuesday the plumber. Wednesday is acupuncture with Dr. Kumiko. If Abby is better this will also be the week of her getting dressed up for her Toddler groups on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday is Dr. Daly. Then it is Halloween weekend! Kristen's mom Suzanne has already finished LaVerne and Shirley's coordinating sweaters. I can't wait to see them!! We're thinking little circle skirts too. Just in case people don't "get" the LaVerne and Shirley angle, Abby and Francesca will look like coordinating girls in 50's attire.
Abby did not want to go to sleep tonight. She was screaming and crying which is so unlike her. I am preparing myself for either a long night, a same day appointment to the doctor and possibly canceling the luncheon plans, or some combination thereof. She's not had an ear infection before but she's had UTI's in the past so I'm hoping that it's just her being uncomfortable and not wanting to sleep while sick instead of something more serious. She's had the runny nose for days now so I imagine that if it was something more serious it would have presented itself much sooner plus she would run a fever. You see, I'm really getting very good at all this doctor stuff.
That's all folks. I'm praying for good health for Abby. I'm praying for a good week for me since last time in the Chemo cycle this coming Monday - Wednesday were the hardest for me. Oh yeah, shhhh, don't tell anyone but I stopped doing the Rx mouth rinse and went back to the baking soda/salt rinse plus kept the religious L-glutamine 3x a day routine and all has been well. No mouth sores!
Oh forgot to mention that Dr. Newman got back to me within 15 minutes of sending my initial "breast feeding with cancer" question the other day. I guess that peaked his interest. Here is his response (and as a reminder I was comparing my situation to another in his book where he recommended a mother wait to continue Chemo treatment so that she could breastfeed her child for a few months longer):
Dear Mrs Berman,
I am surprised that they would do chemotherapy when you are pregnant. I wonder why they thought that it would be okay to give you these drugs while pregnant and not during breastfeeding. However, we would say that these drugs are not okay during breastfeeding.
The papillary type of thyroid carcinoma is not the same situation as breast cancer. However, it depends on how invasive this cancer is on whether you can wait or not.
However, scans (most), radiation and surgery are not contraindications to breastfeeding. Only the chemotherapy.
Guess that answers that question. Health professionals get so wrapped up in their specialty that they don't really understand other areas of medicine (like why I would get Chemo while pregnant). Anyway, I might get away with a month of breastfeeding. Everything else will have to be donated breast milk or formula. I can breastfeed even when I'm having my scans, although depending on the type of dye (radioactive or not) they use I may have to pump and dump for some portion. That's not a big deal. Once I am schedule to start the Chemo though, the breast feeling will be kaput. Now it's more a question on timing for Dr. McAndrews...
Double Whammy Awareness Month
So it is both Breast Cancer awareness month (hence ALL the pink you see everywhere and all the specials on TV in the news, talk shows, medical shows and all over print media) and it is also SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. Haven't heard about that one have you? Even though 13 babies will die everyday we just don't hear about it). I want to take a moment to raise awareness within our own community. We found an amazing organization called First Candle that helped us navigate our way through our grief after we lost Ben. They provide a SIDS handbook which we found invaluable. I am posting some info from First Candle's announcement of the awareness month and I am reposting our note for Bennett as well...
Each and every day, in communities across America, expectant moms will feel their baby’s first kick; parents will listen to their newborn’s first cry; and families will celebrate the birthday of a healthy baby.
Also each and every day, 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths; more than 70 new parents will have listened sadly their stillborn baby’s silence; and countless lives will be lost to miscarriage and other causes of infant death.
October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and First Candle is joining forces with individuals, local and national member organizations, as well as corporate and retail partners to increase awareness about these tragic causes of infant death.
We have been told that Bennett's death is due to SIDS. An organization called First Candle has been an amazing resource for us and has provided us with a SIDS handbook and other detailed materials. We have some peace knowing that there is NOTHING we could have done to prevent his death and that it is attributed to a brain stem defect (different parts of the brain for daytime and nighttime sleep; between 2-4 months the nighttime part of the brain kicks in and sometimes can't regulate seratonin levels (before 6 months of age is when 90% of all SIDS deaths occur); he died peacefully in his sleep).
We have established a memorial fund in Bennett's name with First Candle (www.firstcandle.org) so that they can continue their work in SIDS research and education. If you can please donate to this worthy cause! 1-800-221-7437 (410-653-8226)
Many people have wondered and some have even directly asked...was he sleeping on his back, was there a fan in the room, was he in his crib, did he breastfeed, did he take a pacifier....Let me say that we did all of those things and more; we even had a night nurse in the room with them to watch them sleep. NOTHING can prevent a SIDS death; it even happens to medical professionals and there is nothing they could do to stop it. The "back to sleep" and "ABC" campaign is beneficial BUT it educates parents to prevent death from suffocation NOT SIDS. So much more research and public education on SIDS is needed.
Some of you have seen this but I want to post our letter to Bennett so I can always refer to it when I need to dream about him a little more than usual:
To our beautiful son Bennett – you know how much we wanted you, always wanted you in our lives. We dreamed of you for so very long. When Mommy and Daddy got married, we would look through daddy’s baby pictures, particularly the one of Daddy eating a hot dog in his little baseball uniform and Mommy would say “I want a little hot dog boy too!” We had so many plans for you. But as John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans”… You were a little carbon copy of your Daddy and we marveled at all the things you would become. Remember Daddy scooping you up in his arms saying “I’m taking my boy!” and you lying on his chest while he read the Wall Street Journal?
You grew inside Mommy for nine months with your sister Abigail. Don’t you remember her kicks?! Oh boy! You were inside Mommy’s womb with your head up high so close to her heart. We would talk to you and sing to you and tell you how much we loved you and couldn’t wait to meet you. We bet you didn’t get tired of the Dreidel song, did you? We would laugh when you would keep your face hidden from us during all of your ultrasounds. You had us wait the whole entire pregnancy to see that beautiful face! Bennett, you were so worth the wait. We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect and gorgeous little boy.
Gentle Ben. Little buddy boy. Sleepy McFloy. Boo boo heart. Little Secret Agent Man.
5 pounds, 14 ounces. 18 inches. 10 fingers. 10 toes. Back up to Birth weight. 20 inches. Surpassing birth weight. Getting bigger than your sister… What a little chunky monkey!
Sleeping. Nursing. Business in the diapers. Heavy weight diaper contests. Squealing. Crying. More screaming than crying actually…in a good way. You were our little screaming eagle. Too lazy to nurse. Give me the bottle too! Chug, Chug, Chug. So impatient. Tummy Time. Ninja kicks. Getting a bath to some fun tunes, loving the water, kicking like a leap frog, hey…where did those little water bubbles come from?!? Rock star hair. Smiling. Cooing. Kicking. Discovering his hands. Staring into mommy’s eyes. Already such a big flirt with the ladies… Dancing and playing. Watching your mobile. Going for walks. Going with mommy to the store on our own little adventure.
Two months to the day of your birth you left us. You looked so peaceful in your sleep. Selfishly, we want so much more time with you to watch you learn, explore and grow, but we are so grateful for the time that we did have with you. We find some peace knowing that you knew how much we loved you, cared for you and nurtured you. You didn’t want for anything. You knew our happiness and our joy and flourished in it. You are our little angel boy.
Bennett, we love you so much. We have this big hole in our hearts, because you left so soon and it won’t be full until we see you again in heaven. Until that day, we know your pure heart and soul are back in God’s hands.
We love you, Mommy & Daddy
We have established a memorial fund in Bennett's name with First Candle (www.firstcandle.org) so that they can continue their work in SIDS research and education. If you can please donate to this worthy cause! 1-800-221-7437 (410-653-8226)
Many people have wondered and some have even directly asked...was he sleeping on his back, was there a fan in the room, was he in his crib, did he breastfeed, did he take a pacifier....Let me say that we did all of those things and more; we even had a night nurse in the room with them to watch them sleep. NOTHING can prevent a SIDS death; it even happens to medical professionals and there is nothing they could do to stop it. The "back to sleep" and "ABC" campaign is beneficial BUT it educates parents to prevent death from suffocation NOT SIDS. So much more research and public education on SIDS is needed.
Some of you have seen this but I want to post our letter to Bennett so I can always refer to it when I need to dream about him a little more than usual:
To our beautiful son Bennett – you know how much we wanted you, always wanted you in our lives. We dreamed of you for so very long. When Mommy and Daddy got married, we would look through daddy’s baby pictures, particularly the one of Daddy eating a hot dog in his little baseball uniform and Mommy would say “I want a little hot dog boy too!” We had so many plans for you. But as John Lennon said “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans”… You were a little carbon copy of your Daddy and we marveled at all the things you would become. Remember Daddy scooping you up in his arms saying “I’m taking my boy!” and you lying on his chest while he read the Wall Street Journal?
You grew inside Mommy for nine months with your sister Abigail. Don’t you remember her kicks?! Oh boy! You were inside Mommy’s womb with your head up high so close to her heart. We would talk to you and sing to you and tell you how much we loved you and couldn’t wait to meet you. We bet you didn’t get tired of the Dreidel song, did you? We would laugh when you would keep your face hidden from us during all of your ultrasounds. You had us wait the whole entire pregnancy to see that beautiful face! Bennett, you were so worth the wait. We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect and gorgeous little boy.
Gentle Ben. Little buddy boy. Sleepy McFloy. Boo boo heart. Little Secret Agent Man.
5 pounds, 14 ounces. 18 inches. 10 fingers. 10 toes. Back up to Birth weight. 20 inches. Surpassing birth weight. Getting bigger than your sister… What a little chunky monkey!
Sleeping. Nursing. Business in the diapers. Heavy weight diaper contests. Squealing. Crying. More screaming than crying actually…in a good way. You were our little screaming eagle. Too lazy to nurse. Give me the bottle too! Chug, Chug, Chug. So impatient. Tummy Time. Ninja kicks. Getting a bath to some fun tunes, loving the water, kicking like a leap frog, hey…where did those little water bubbles come from?!? Rock star hair. Smiling. Cooing. Kicking. Discovering his hands. Staring into mommy’s eyes. Already such a big flirt with the ladies… Dancing and playing. Watching your mobile. Going for walks. Going with mommy to the store on our own little adventure.
Two months to the day of your birth you left us. You looked so peaceful in your sleep. Selfishly, we want so much more time with you to watch you learn, explore and grow, but we are so grateful for the time that we did have with you. We find some peace knowing that you knew how much we loved you, cared for you and nurtured you. You didn’t want for anything. You knew our happiness and our joy and flourished in it. You are our little angel boy.
Bennett, we love you so much. We have this big hole in our hearts, because you left so soon and it won’t be full until we see you again in heaven. Until that day, we know your pure heart and soul are back in God’s hands.
We love you, Mommy & Daddy
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Breastfeeding and Breast Cancer
OH, I'm doing fine. Still just very low energy is the biggest side effect. Port incision seems to be healing fine. Still doesn't look that great but it looks better than before and that's all I can hope for, right? I thought I started getting the mouth sores but I think it is just my gums being inflamed. Nurse Angela doesn't agree with me. She says my mouth and throat are all red and she is worried it could erupt in mouth sores which are very unpleasant. She gave me a mouth rinse that is an equal mix of nystatin suspension (nystatin is oddly enough something used to treat nipples for thrush), mylanta (full strength) and lidocaine 2%. It is the MOST disgusting thing I have ever had to do. It has a sickly sweet taste but the consistency of it is the worst, kind of like really thick saliva. Worse than that though the lidocaine is a numbing agent so my mouth is numb after I rinse. I don't like that feeling. I think I'm fine with the baking soda and salt rinse...but I'll stick it out for a few days nonetheless.
I am doing some research on breastfeeding and chemotherapy. The news isn't great. I've emailed Dr. Jack Newman, the "know-all" guru of breastfeeding to get his opinion. In his book he suggested that a woman who had thyroid cancer while pregnant (and had surgery while pregnant) delay her second course of treatment so that she could breast feed a little longer (but I don't know if she was Stage III just that she had already had her tumor removed and was waiting to start Chemotherapy). I will also call Wendy at the Pump Station to get her input as well.
I know that I can breastfeed for at least 2 weeks before I restart the Chemo and do the battery of scans and tests. Maybe I can stretch it to a month. A month being normal and breastfeeding sounds so amazing to me. I want to bond with little Peanut when he gets here. Plus I want to recover from the C-section too. (Well, really I want to pretend I don't have cancer and am just like any other mom with a newborn - breastfeeding, sleeping, eating, playing, helping Abby adjust to her new brother, etc.).
I'm going to enlist pregnant and breastfeeding mommy friends to pump milk for Peanut. I hope I can get a good supply. So if you are one of my mommy friends and you are pregnant or breastfeeding this means YOU!!! PLEASE HELP!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Home Body.
I am missing the Los Angeles Team Mentoring event tonight. I don't have the energy for social things. I also missed the opening of the new SBE Hotel with David last night and drinks with my mommy friends. I haven't finalized my wig yet with Piny so how can I go to any of these things anyway. Ohhhhhh, I need to do that tomorrow since there is a wine event (that I can't drink for multiple reasons, boo) at the Berchtold's Saturday. Darn, darn, darn. I am getting so comfortable being bald that I am getting lazy. At this point I kind of like to see the look of surprise on people's faces when they see I am bald and pregnant. I'm sure they have no idea what to make of it. I'm sure they figure that I'm sick? Anyway, I'll get with Piny tomorrow or Saturday to remedy the situation.
Oh and I have nothing to wear. Need a few more items to add to the maternity wardrobe. I'm starting not to fit into the earlier pregnancy stuff but I'm still too small for the maternity stuff I used with the twins. And there's only less than two months left so wasting money on maternity clothes that are made with disgusting materials yet cost a lot makes me twinge. Oh, I should check out Forever 21.
Ooooooooo, Sue is coming over tomorrow early to make me poached eggs over cream of wheat. I'm not sure if it's a Southern thing or not. I never tried it before she made it for me after the twins were born. It's delicious and I'm addicted.
My Grandma Myrna sent me the funniest email reminding me that male pattern baldness runs in our family with a list of all my bald relatives. I laughed so hard! But Graaaaaandma I'm not a male! Too funny. She did remind that UNLIKE my Uncles and Grandpas that mine is going to grow back so not to worry! Love you Grandma.
Oh and I have nothing to wear. Need a few more items to add to the maternity wardrobe. I'm starting not to fit into the earlier pregnancy stuff but I'm still too small for the maternity stuff I used with the twins. And there's only less than two months left so wasting money on maternity clothes that are made with disgusting materials yet cost a lot makes me twinge. Oh, I should check out Forever 21.
Ooooooooo, Sue is coming over tomorrow early to make me poached eggs over cream of wheat. I'm not sure if it's a Southern thing or not. I never tried it before she made it for me after the twins were born. It's delicious and I'm addicted.
My Grandma Myrna sent me the funniest email reminding me that male pattern baldness runs in our family with a list of all my bald relatives. I laughed so hard! But Graaaaaandma I'm not a male! Too funny. She did remind that UNLIKE my Uncles and Grandpas that mine is going to grow back so not to worry! Love you Grandma.
Some footnotes:
- Thank you to the many people who continue to email me, post comments, and facebook me. The messages mean so much to me. I really feel very blessed, very loved AND very supported.
- Thank you to my husband David for your round the clock love. There's too much to say in a footnote for you. You continually amaze me. I am the luckiest girl.
- Thank you to my mom. When you are sick you don't want anyone else but your mom. This is still true for me. I am glad that we are getting back to how we use to be.
- Thank you to my sister Lindsey for becoming a necessary and permanent fixture around here.
- Thank you to my Berman family for the cards, gifts and constant support. I loved the present from Katie and Michael and I love the cards from my little buddy Monte and his Momma Maureen.
- Thank you to Sue for being so supportive even when you could only do so at a distance.
- Thank you to my Grandma Myrna and Grandpa Leo. I love you guys so much.
- Thank you to my Collins family, Grams and Pops, and Reyes family. I love you guys!
- Thank you to Sharon, my guardian angel who fought this fight before me and is a true warrior.
- Thank you to Ashley for my super cool Ashley Pittman jewelry (still waiting for my cheerios necklace to hang my Spencer Pratt crystal!! ha ha), books, random gifs, breast cancer research binder, coconuts, trips to the breast surgeon, education on coconut water and so much more. And thank you to Renvy, Ashley's Mom for a yummy Joan's on 3rd delivery!
- Thank you to Julie for all my vegan cookies. I keep getting a random box from the post office filled with cookies and I get so excited! So far I love them all. Choco chip, peanut butter, ginger. She's amazing! Did you check out her cooking blog yet? http://www.thecrosbykitchen.com/
- Thank you to Jennifer H. for delicious chicken tortilla soup, yummy turkey lasagna and arugula salad. I don't care that I'm not supposed to eat cheese. I ate it and I loved it. I am allowed some cheat days! It was so worth it. Plus the sunflowers brightened my days all week.
- Thank you to Moujan for yummy chicken noodle soup with whole wheat noodles that Abby and I had for dinner tonight. She kept saying "more, more, more"!!! And for my macbook air super drive so I can now listen to CD and watch DVD's. So thoughtful and ridiculously generous.
- Thank you to Meesh for food delivery last week. Sorry I flaked and decided that I don't like real Food Daily anymore. Beggars shouldn't be choosers!
- Thank you to Maggie for playdates with Harper, driving me to appointments and breakfasts at Vida. And the email messages. And the promises to go with me to prenatal yoga.
- Thank you to Susie for food drop offs, email support and making me laugh with your stories.
- Thank you to Kristen and Suzanne for tons of groceries, prepared food and helping to coordinate my schedule and keep me organized. I couldn't do this without that key support.
- Thank you to Lorraine for help with mediation and for generous gifts of meditation CD's.
- Thank you to Vizhier for driving me to appointments, food, Abby wigs and trips to PINY!
- Thank you to Ann for trips to Tower Oncology and for making me promise to chill by Nov 1st
- Thank you to Kiki for making me laugh, fart and cry. You know what I'm talking about. Darn you and your french onion soup and frisee salad with turkey bacon. Sacre bleu!
- Thank you to Peir for yummy soup, gifts, references and support. I'm meeting the Feng Shui lady soon and I love the healthy recipes from Pam.
- Thank you to my mommy friends, Brynie, Courtney, Christina, Liz, Jeyran, Joy, my Babygroup Mommas, my Bee Planet Mommas, My WBT Mommas for all their support and play dates!
- I'm getting tired and I have so many more people to thank. I just want to reiterate how thankful I am and how much all the support is helping me stay positive and stay strong.
Running up that hill
I am getting very emotional thinking about that Kate Bush song "Running up that hill"...I mean it makes me cry huge crocodile tears but I have no idea why. I happened to look it up and it is about a man and a woman swapping places in a deal with God to know how each other feels. I think, however, it could be about making a deal with God for anything. We try to make deals with God all the time, don't we? That's usually the "bargaining" part of challenges we face in our lives. The bargaining phase of grief too. Anyway, I thought the song could be about me making a deal with God so that I could flash forward to the future where I am done with this fight, cancer free, care free in a good place, happy with my husband and family with strong body, mind and spirit..."running up that road, running up that hill ... with no problems". This is hard to imagine when I feel so tired but it makes me hopeful too. She sings, "It doesn't hurt me. You wanna know how it feels. You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me? You wanna hear about the deal I'm making? ... Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building. See, If I only could, oh....."
I'm not having a pity party. I'm just having a moment to let the grief of this come over me. That's healthy. I am doing relatively well in this new normal actually. I just came back from Tower Oncology and they checked my blood count and my numbers were good. That's great news. I asked why I feel so tired then?? This round of Chemo just has me in a daze. Sharon described it best when she said "If I was moving I was OK but the minute I stopped I was just done". That is exactly how I feel. I can push myself to go and go but if I stop, even for a second, say in the kitchen at the sink while rinsing a plate, I can just sit on the floor and close my eyes. Right then and there. I can't sleep necessarily but I need to just lie still and stare at the wall. Angela, Head Nurse Practitioner says I'm tired because of the pregnancy AND the Chemo. Basically a double whammy. Alright-y then.
Did I mention that I started getting the mouth sores? I don't have the typical sores but it's just my gums are irritated and red. Angela gave me a special rinse that I need to use twice a day that should take care of it within a few days. I was doing pretty well with the L-Glutamine I thought. Oh well.
I went to see Dr. Winters, the infectious disease guy. I was accompanied by my adopted sister Jeanne and who, on the phone Monday (before I saw Dr. Daly) suggested I see Dr. Winters, the infectious disease doc, to which I replied "I don't think I need to see someone like that, do I?" The answer was yes! Jeanne is like a doctor. She knows a ton about this stuff so why did I ever doubt her?!?! So there we are in his office where there are tons of artifacts from African nations because he does a ton of work there of a more serious nature. Boy did I feel out of place. Pregnant, Bald, With Cancer, With possibly an infected port incision in a doctor's office that specializes in travel and super bad diseases. He takes a look at it and I show him how the actual port doesn't hurt..."Don't touch your arm ever with your hands", he warns me sternly... Hands are dirty even if you just wash them he says. Do not touch your port and do not let anyone other than a medical professional that is properly outfitted touch it. Message received! He said it didn't look great but he didn't think it needed to be removed. He warned me though that if the scab or the area around the scab grew or I had even a slight fever that it should be removed immediately. The catheter goes directly into my superior vena cava, meaning directly into my bloodstream so if there was an infection it would have direct access. Not good. He said to keep clean it twice a day with hydrogen peroxide, apply bactroban with a q-tip, cover with sterile gauze and then wrap the arm. After several days of that it looks and feels much better. It is healing! Angela said she thought it looked 80% better than last week. We are in the clear my friends. I am feeling great about that!
Only complication this week is that Tuesday night I heard Abby coughing a bit while she slept. Later that night she woke up crying and coughing. When I heard that I panicked for her and then I panicked for me. I really don't want to get sick. I'm not sure how my body would deal with it. Anyway, I gave her some ibuprofen and rocked her to sleep for a while. I know what you're thinking but I'm just one of those moms that gives preventative medicine... She was a little heavy for my pregnant belly so I put her back in her crib when she seemed to be asleep and she was not having it. But you can only do what you can do so after 5 minutes she went back to sleep.
She woke up really early Wednesday morning. I called my mother-in-law Sue as early as possible for some extra help. Sue lives right down the street and she is always happy to help. She's a firecracker and have I mentioned that she's over 80? I'm not going to tell her real age here so I don't get in trouble. She's awesome. I made breakfast for Abby but I am clearly having Chemo brain because you should have seen the mess I made. I had everything out and everywhere. Normally when I am functioning at full capacity I can take something out, like Milk, use it then put it back. There were three milks on the kitchen island, plus evidence that I tried to make smoothies, pressed veggie juice, eggs, toast and who knows what else. Oh yeah, oatmeal, which is what we actually ate. I just didn't care. We ate something and then when Sue came over she played with Abby so I could rest. Hallelejuah. Thank Heaven for supportive mother-in-laws. Poor Abby is sick with a cold though so it really puts a damper on the week. She slept well last night shockingly with the help of some eucalyptus drops in her humidifier plus more ibuprofen. She is also taking homeopathic C Plus tablets, homeopathic "immune booster" drops, gummy vitamins (those are normal everyday though), and baby probiotics. So I'm not just a motrin junkie!
One funny story before I close this entry. Yesterday I had to have the plumber fix Abby's drain in her tub so I'm in the kitchen and the doorbell rings...open the door, greet the plumbers and show them upstairs, go into the master bedroom where David is and it dawns on me that I am not wearing a scarf or a cap. Just pure baldness. I start laughing so hard I can't stop. David is looking at me like I've swallowed a cat and I tell him that I just let the plumbers upstairs and forgot that I have no hair!!! I mean what a sight for the poor plumbers. They show up to some random house and are greeted by Sinead O'Connor!! And I act like there is nothing wrong. And of course there isn't. I'm in my home and I'm bald. So what of it!?!?! I just kept walking around bald. I am getting more and more bold about just being bald. I really could care less. I don't wear a cap when I drive now either. Who cares, right!?!?!
I'm not having a pity party. I'm just having a moment to let the grief of this come over me. That's healthy. I am doing relatively well in this new normal actually. I just came back from Tower Oncology and they checked my blood count and my numbers were good. That's great news. I asked why I feel so tired then?? This round of Chemo just has me in a daze. Sharon described it best when she said "If I was moving I was OK but the minute I stopped I was just done". That is exactly how I feel. I can push myself to go and go but if I stop, even for a second, say in the kitchen at the sink while rinsing a plate, I can just sit on the floor and close my eyes. Right then and there. I can't sleep necessarily but I need to just lie still and stare at the wall. Angela, Head Nurse Practitioner says I'm tired because of the pregnancy AND the Chemo. Basically a double whammy. Alright-y then.
Did I mention that I started getting the mouth sores? I don't have the typical sores but it's just my gums are irritated and red. Angela gave me a special rinse that I need to use twice a day that should take care of it within a few days. I was doing pretty well with the L-Glutamine I thought. Oh well.
I went to see Dr. Winters, the infectious disease guy. I was accompanied by my adopted sister Jeanne and who, on the phone Monday (before I saw Dr. Daly) suggested I see Dr. Winters, the infectious disease doc, to which I replied "I don't think I need to see someone like that, do I?" The answer was yes! Jeanne is like a doctor. She knows a ton about this stuff so why did I ever doubt her?!?! So there we are in his office where there are tons of artifacts from African nations because he does a ton of work there of a more serious nature. Boy did I feel out of place. Pregnant, Bald, With Cancer, With possibly an infected port incision in a doctor's office that specializes in travel and super bad diseases. He takes a look at it and I show him how the actual port doesn't hurt..."Don't touch your arm ever with your hands", he warns me sternly... Hands are dirty even if you just wash them he says. Do not touch your port and do not let anyone other than a medical professional that is properly outfitted touch it. Message received! He said it didn't look great but he didn't think it needed to be removed. He warned me though that if the scab or the area around the scab grew or I had even a slight fever that it should be removed immediately. The catheter goes directly into my superior vena cava, meaning directly into my bloodstream so if there was an infection it would have direct access. Not good. He said to keep clean it twice a day with hydrogen peroxide, apply bactroban with a q-tip, cover with sterile gauze and then wrap the arm. After several days of that it looks and feels much better. It is healing! Angela said she thought it looked 80% better than last week. We are in the clear my friends. I am feeling great about that!
Only complication this week is that Tuesday night I heard Abby coughing a bit while she slept. Later that night she woke up crying and coughing. When I heard that I panicked for her and then I panicked for me. I really don't want to get sick. I'm not sure how my body would deal with it. Anyway, I gave her some ibuprofen and rocked her to sleep for a while. I know what you're thinking but I'm just one of those moms that gives preventative medicine... She was a little heavy for my pregnant belly so I put her back in her crib when she seemed to be asleep and she was not having it. But you can only do what you can do so after 5 minutes she went back to sleep.
She woke up really early Wednesday morning. I called my mother-in-law Sue as early as possible for some extra help. Sue lives right down the street and she is always happy to help. She's a firecracker and have I mentioned that she's over 80? I'm not going to tell her real age here so I don't get in trouble. She's awesome. I made breakfast for Abby but I am clearly having Chemo brain because you should have seen the mess I made. I had everything out and everywhere. Normally when I am functioning at full capacity I can take something out, like Milk, use it then put it back. There were three milks on the kitchen island, plus evidence that I tried to make smoothies, pressed veggie juice, eggs, toast and who knows what else. Oh yeah, oatmeal, which is what we actually ate. I just didn't care. We ate something and then when Sue came over she played with Abby so I could rest. Hallelejuah. Thank Heaven for supportive mother-in-laws. Poor Abby is sick with a cold though so it really puts a damper on the week. She slept well last night shockingly with the help of some eucalyptus drops in her humidifier plus more ibuprofen. She is also taking homeopathic C Plus tablets, homeopathic "immune booster" drops, gummy vitamins (those are normal everyday though), and baby probiotics. So I'm not just a motrin junkie!
One funny story before I close this entry. Yesterday I had to have the plumber fix Abby's drain in her tub so I'm in the kitchen and the doorbell rings...open the door, greet the plumbers and show them upstairs, go into the master bedroom where David is and it dawns on me that I am not wearing a scarf or a cap. Just pure baldness. I start laughing so hard I can't stop. David is looking at me like I've swallowed a cat and I tell him that I just let the plumbers upstairs and forgot that I have no hair!!! I mean what a sight for the poor plumbers. They show up to some random house and are greeted by Sinead O'Connor!! And I act like there is nothing wrong. And of course there isn't. I'm in my home and I'm bald. So what of it!?!?! I just kept walking around bald. I am getting more and more bold about just being bald. I really could care less. I don't wear a cap when I drive now either. Who cares, right!?!?!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Hanging in there...
Saw Dr. Daly yesterday. Peanut is doing great. I was 30 weeks yesterday and he is measuring 31 weeks 5 days, almost 2 weeks ahead. He is already in birth position and his torso is laying on my right side with his feet stretching out over to my left side. This explains why my left side is black and blue. Kidding. He is a very strong kicker though. During the ultrasound he was opening and closing his mouth. At first it seemed like he was yawning then we figured out that he was trying to talk to us. Very precious.
Dr. Daly didn't like the port incision so she is getting me in to see Dr. Robert Winters who is an infectious disease doctor. I think that sounds more serious than it is. He told me to use bactroban and keep it covered. NOT what Cedars told me. It already is feeling better. I am praying for the best.
Had a good session with Pam, our therapist. Dealing with cancer is extremely difficult. It is emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting and hard on relationships. It is hard for the person with cancer and hard for the spouse. We are both trying to figure out how to work through this and we are both tapped to the max with responsibilities. Thankfully things are going well for David at work but that means he is the busiest he's ever been. We're both super stressed out. What's the most difficult is that it's only been less than a month and a half of learning about the diagnosis and since have been thrust with lighting speed into a marathon we never wanted to run. I am very thankful to have such a special partner that is incredibly supportive. It's hard on him because he doesn't always know what to do and I don't always know how to tell him what I want. And usually that's because I don't even know myself what I need.
There needs to be a manual for being bald. I have been wearing all these warm comfy knitted caps to cover my beautiful baldness. While they are comfortable and discreet they are also very WARM. The warmth has made my head a little itchy. I noticed some skin flaking off so decided to look in the mirror, I am doing less and less of that these days, and also noticed that my skin in breaking out in little pimples at the hairline. I had cradle cap. Just like a newborn baby. Excellent! So I used a soft bristle brush to scrub my scalp for about 15 minutes. It was like a winter wonderland of white scalp flakes...and tons of hair came out, it looked like the sink after David shaves in the morning. Took a shower and experienced even more hair loss. I'm becoming a shiny female Telly Savalas. I've been sleeping with a warm hat from the North Face but decided I better let as much air hit the scalp as possible. Same goes for anytime I am at home now, I will be a Sinead O'Connor look-a-like...
Interviewed some people for the morning position. I think it will help tremendously, particularly when the new baby arrives. Note to self to get on baby names. Calling him Peanut all the time is not helping. We have a list of names but none of them are "calling" us so strongly that we can make a decision!
Acupuncture today at 4pm after seeing Dr. Winters at 2pm. Calling Piny to finalize my wig now that I need to wear it without clips. Two more morning nanny interviews, Abby dance class and ADT security comes to fix whatever made the alarm go off Saturday morning at 2:30AM...
Dr. Daly didn't like the port incision so she is getting me in to see Dr. Robert Winters who is an infectious disease doctor. I think that sounds more serious than it is. He told me to use bactroban and keep it covered. NOT what Cedars told me. It already is feeling better. I am praying for the best.
Had a good session with Pam, our therapist. Dealing with cancer is extremely difficult. It is emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting and hard on relationships. It is hard for the person with cancer and hard for the spouse. We are both trying to figure out how to work through this and we are both tapped to the max with responsibilities. Thankfully things are going well for David at work but that means he is the busiest he's ever been. We're both super stressed out. What's the most difficult is that it's only been less than a month and a half of learning about the diagnosis and since have been thrust with lighting speed into a marathon we never wanted to run. I am very thankful to have such a special partner that is incredibly supportive. It's hard on him because he doesn't always know what to do and I don't always know how to tell him what I want. And usually that's because I don't even know myself what I need.
There needs to be a manual for being bald. I have been wearing all these warm comfy knitted caps to cover my beautiful baldness. While they are comfortable and discreet they are also very WARM. The warmth has made my head a little itchy. I noticed some skin flaking off so decided to look in the mirror, I am doing less and less of that these days, and also noticed that my skin in breaking out in little pimples at the hairline. I had cradle cap. Just like a newborn baby. Excellent! So I used a soft bristle brush to scrub my scalp for about 15 minutes. It was like a winter wonderland of white scalp flakes...and tons of hair came out, it looked like the sink after David shaves in the morning. Took a shower and experienced even more hair loss. I'm becoming a shiny female Telly Savalas. I've been sleeping with a warm hat from the North Face but decided I better let as much air hit the scalp as possible. Same goes for anytime I am at home now, I will be a Sinead O'Connor look-a-like...
Interviewed some people for the morning position. I think it will help tremendously, particularly when the new baby arrives. Note to self to get on baby names. Calling him Peanut all the time is not helping. We have a list of names but none of them are "calling" us so strongly that we can make a decision!
Acupuncture today at 4pm after seeing Dr. Winters at 2pm. Calling Piny to finalize my wig now that I need to wear it without clips. Two more morning nanny interviews, Abby dance class and ADT security comes to fix whatever made the alarm go off Saturday morning at 2:30AM...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tired and Annoyed
Not the best of weekends but I'm too tired to elaborate further. This Chemo round is a little harder on my system than last time but it also could be that I'm just more fatigued from being further along in the pregnancy...Anyway, I'm like a broken record. Tired, tired, tired. Bleh.
I'm worried about my port incision. I'm posting a photo of it. Sorry it's so disgusting but I'm posting it because I'm pretty sure I'm going to see someone about it tomorrow but if anyone has any medical opinions about it let me know! I am really, really pissed off at Cedars. I went back Friday to have it checked out and wouldn't you know it, they had me see the SAME imbecile surgeon that installed it look at it for me. Conflict of interest? He is what he told me "oh....yeah we don't like to see that. It looks like the steri-strips didn't keep the incision in place so it separated and got necrotic. But now it looks like it's healing, there's a lot of fibrous growth in the scab so let's leave it for now. If it gets worse we'll have to remove the port." I want to sue that jack-ass so bad. I'm going to see Dr. Daly tomorrow for a check-up on Peanut and will ask her to get me in to see someone right away at St. John's. I need a second opinion desperately.
I'm worried about my port incision. I'm posting a photo of it. Sorry it's so disgusting but I'm posting it because I'm pretty sure I'm going to see someone about it tomorrow but if anyone has any medical opinions about it let me know! I am really, really pissed off at Cedars. I went back Friday to have it checked out and wouldn't you know it, they had me see the SAME imbecile surgeon that installed it look at it for me. Conflict of interest? He is what he told me "oh....yeah we don't like to see that. It looks like the steri-strips didn't keep the incision in place so it separated and got necrotic. But now it looks like it's healing, there's a lot of fibrous growth in the scab so let's leave it for now. If it gets worse we'll have to remove the port." I want to sue that jack-ass so bad. I'm going to see Dr. Daly tomorrow for a check-up on Peanut and will ask her to get me in to see someone right away at St. John's. I need a second opinion desperately.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Whew. Long couple of days.
Let's run down the checklist from this week:
- Hair started falling off in clumps Tuesday. I technically could have let it "thinned out" over time since I have so much hair but it isn't the greatest feeling in the world to touch your head or wash you hair and have lots of hair fall out. I decided to just nip it in the bud and go bald. I started out with a mohawk but that lasted only a few minutes. Instead I just shaved it entirely and very close to the scalp. Boy does it feel weird. It's a bit drafty... Apparently, according to friends (who can be biased of course), I have a nicely shaped head but I still feel awkward flaunting it so I got a few hats in the neighborhood boutiques. Two knit hats and two fedoras and one hat the I am calling my Charles Dickens' "Oliver Twist" hat. I also need them for the functionality of keeping my head warm. Thank Heaven that it is chilly and foggy outside so the use of hats doesn't look to conspicuous...
- Painters are now done. Abby's room looks like a little girl's room now. Originally for the twins to be in the same room I went for this beautiful neutral toile fabric from Cowtan & Tout with a coordinating striped fabric. Well, when it became just Abby's room it really looked a little too boyish. Deep pale yellow walls, antique blue trim on her furniture and the striped crib skirts had too much yellow, blue and red in it to really be a girly room. It has bothered me for some time but still felt that since I spent a fortune on the fabrics I should let it go. After looking at all the catalogues for Peanut's furniture I got inspired to update Abby's room. I still did not want to spend much though. I decided on a nice oatmeal gray for her walls (similar to the background color of the toile) and then to pull out the pink animals on the toile I had the painters repaint her trim "cinco de mayo", a pretty dusty rose pink. It looks awesome. I am so happy with the results. And it's not too sickly sweet or anything either. Pat myself on the back, ha ha!!
- Bug bombing and spraying are all done inside and outside. Used the three hours we had to be out of the house to take dogs to the Vet for baths and shot updates too.
- Landscapers fixed the area near the swing set so we can move the set over and back.
- Started looking for a part time "mother's helper" to add to our cadre of help so that Mondays and mornings are covered. They will help me with Abby, run errands to the grocery store, trader joe's, dry cleaners, household issues like calling and managing workers and hopefully help with some food prep. They won't have so much to do at first but it will ramp up once the baby is here and/or if I have some bad chemo days and really can't do much...
- Acupuncture and more chinese herbs. Check. Scheduled down the acupuncture to once a week to make things a little more manageable. I bought Dr. Mao's meditation for stress relief CD as well.
- Second session of Chemo was Thursday. When I got there they did not like the way my port incision looked. It has a big dark scab with a red ring of irritation around it. Well, we all know about the imbecile surgeon who installed the port and my wonderful experience with the surgery. This is just more evidence as to why I have a major beef with Cedar Sinai's Procedure Center. Both Angela, Head Nurse Practitioner and Dr. McAndrew told me I need to go back to the Procedure Center to have them check it out. If the port gets infected then they have to take it out. There was some debate as to whether or not they should use the port and finally Dr. McAndrew said to seal off the scab and use the port anyway. It's the oddest feeling when you hope that you get to proceed with your Chemo session. Yes, please, pump me with the poison. Please kill all the bad cancer cells in my body and obliterate this 5CM tumor!! After some delay we got down to business. The needle was inserted into the port and all was tolerable. After they started the drips of hydration and the "before Chemo" medications (anti-nausea, anti-allergy, etc.) I was able to have a discussion with Dr. McAndrew. Can I just say how much I love this doctor. She is beautiful inside and out, so intelligent and knowledgable and has the most comforting bedside manner. I got all my questions answered and felt so much better. My friend Maggie, think of a tall, blonde Polish Grace Kelly and super smart (she's a former finance girl too), drove me to Tower for the session. She took scrupulous notes for me while I talked to Dr. McAndrew. It's very important when you have these doctor appointments to have someone with you as a second set of ears since when you get home you forget half of what they tell you!! Here is the gist of what we discussed:
- I am scheduled for FOUR Chemo sessions before Peanut is delivered. My fear of having to have this baby too early is gone. No need for an amnio. No need for a 32-34 week delivery with the potential of NICU time. If the baby wants to come early for natural reasons then so be it. I will have my fourth session the week of Thanksgiving. My counts have been good so she figures I can do it a few days early and then after that fourth session take my time, recover and then deliver Peanut 2-4 weeks after that. His due date is 12/27 but it seems like he will be early to mid-December just like Abby. And if for some reason the baby started coming early like a week after my fourth session, she thinks I will still be able to handle it due to my blood counts. That made me feel a while lot better!
- I can breastfeed the baby for 2 weeks or so until I recover from the C-section and have to do the battery of scans to fully check me out... I know it's not much and some people may think "What?!?! You're going to put your baby to breast when you have breast cancer?"... The answer is yes. Abby breast fed for 17 months and that whole time I had breast cancer and didn't know it. If for some reason any cancer cells were in the milk they die in the stomach. For me, I just want to have that bonding experience with Peanut. My favorite thing about breastfeeding is holding them so close to you and cuddling with them. They are so warm and precious. (Of course all that depends on how long I've had to recover from the fourth Chemo session to delivery so that the drugs have left my system).
- I do not qualify for any clinical trials of new breast cancer drugs or treatments due to the unique situation of my being pregnant...
- I do not qualify for "proton" therapy since it is still experimental for breast cancer radiation.
- I can get a flu shot and I can continue with my pregnancy massages. My massage therapist also suggested lymphatic drainage massage and Dr. McAndrew said I could do that too but it isn't necessary right now since I haven't had the surgery to remove my lymph nodes.
- Speaking of surgery, she thinks I will be fine with a lumpectomy and reduction followed by targeted radiation and tamoxifen (long term hormone therapy) instead of a double mastectomy. I don't like the idea of taking chances and wouldn't want to cut corners in anyway that could impact my health. She felt the idea of a prophylactic double mastectomy wouldn't increase or decrease my chance of recurrence since I am not a BRCA gene carrier.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Getting spiritual...
I was really angry when Ben passed away. I was really angry when I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not the most religious of people but I do feel that G-d is present and works in my life. I didn't understand why He would let these things happen to me. What did I do? Did or do I deserve this in some way? Am I being punished for something? Seriously, what the heck?
Whenever I have a spiritual crisis I talk to my mom. She is a deeply spiritual person who loves G-d, reads her bible and has a connection to nature, creatures and people. She is beautiful inside and out. Whenever I had a problem of moral or emotional climate I would call her and she would quote me a scripture and pray with me. I've strayed from that since I entered the work force but I was always comforted by the fact that if I did have some huge problem she and her guidance were there for me.
When I was still trying to process the news of my diagnosis I asked my mom why He would do this. Didn't we sacrifice enough by losing our first born son? I'm generally a nice person. I take care of myself and other people. I'm not doing sinister and crazy things. She just looked at me and said, "I don't think He works like that"... He is not a vengeful G-d. He does not do things to spite his creations. He also doesn't cause and can't prevent every bad thing that befalls people. It has taken me a while to process that message. It's just been sitting there in my head percolating.
I am having a hard time lately. I am doing a lot and I'm pretty exhausted. To top it off, even though I am exhausted beyond all belief I can't necessarily sleep because my mind is racing and won't slow down. One of the things I've thought about it G-d and that message my mom told me. I am not blaming Him for my cancer. I am not blaming Him for not protecting Ben. I am not blaming him for the bad things that happen to me. What I have resolved to do is find the good in the bad. I have resolved to see the silver lining in all of my challenging situations. I have resolved to thank Him for those good things and be positive and be gracious.
Thank you Lord for an amazing, caring, generous, kind, loving, handsome, brave and fun husband. Thank you Lord for the most gorgeous, crazy, intelligent, crystal blue-eyed daughter who challenges me every chance she gets but has the most wonderful bravado. Thank you Lord for giving me two amazing months with my beautiful son Bennett. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be present here and now, for allowing me to be healthy despite breast cancer. Thank you for the ability to breathe, to move, to eat, to think, to sing, to talk so that I can nourish this tiny baby warrior that is growing within me. Thank you Lord for blessing us with the opportunity to raise another son despite our fears resulting from the loss our first. Thank you Lord for my family members that are supportive and available for me in my time of need and for the fact that they have always been there for me even in the slightest of ways. Thank you Lord for truly unbelievable friends and neighbors that have become our extended family, who, despite their own incredibly busy lives, have and continue to make themselves available to us over and over again. For all these things and so much more I am grateful.
Please Lord help me through this struggle. Help me have the strength to continue to move forward, to be present as a wife, to be present as a mother, to be present as a daughter, a sister and a friend despite what challenges fighting this disease brings me. I can't do this alone. I need His help and I need the help and love of my family and friends. I will get through this. I will beat this disease.
Whenever I have a spiritual crisis I talk to my mom. She is a deeply spiritual person who loves G-d, reads her bible and has a connection to nature, creatures and people. She is beautiful inside and out. Whenever I had a problem of moral or emotional climate I would call her and she would quote me a scripture and pray with me. I've strayed from that since I entered the work force but I was always comforted by the fact that if I did have some huge problem she and her guidance were there for me.
When I was still trying to process the news of my diagnosis I asked my mom why He would do this. Didn't we sacrifice enough by losing our first born son? I'm generally a nice person. I take care of myself and other people. I'm not doing sinister and crazy things. She just looked at me and said, "I don't think He works like that"... He is not a vengeful G-d. He does not do things to spite his creations. He also doesn't cause and can't prevent every bad thing that befalls people. It has taken me a while to process that message. It's just been sitting there in my head percolating.
I am having a hard time lately. I am doing a lot and I'm pretty exhausted. To top it off, even though I am exhausted beyond all belief I can't necessarily sleep because my mind is racing and won't slow down. One of the things I've thought about it G-d and that message my mom told me. I am not blaming Him for my cancer. I am not blaming Him for not protecting Ben. I am not blaming him for the bad things that happen to me. What I have resolved to do is find the good in the bad. I have resolved to see the silver lining in all of my challenging situations. I have resolved to thank Him for those good things and be positive and be gracious.
Thank you Lord for an amazing, caring, generous, kind, loving, handsome, brave and fun husband. Thank you Lord for the most gorgeous, crazy, intelligent, crystal blue-eyed daughter who challenges me every chance she gets but has the most wonderful bravado. Thank you Lord for giving me two amazing months with my beautiful son Bennett. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be present here and now, for allowing me to be healthy despite breast cancer. Thank you for the ability to breathe, to move, to eat, to think, to sing, to talk so that I can nourish this tiny baby warrior that is growing within me. Thank you Lord for blessing us with the opportunity to raise another son despite our fears resulting from the loss our first. Thank you Lord for my family members that are supportive and available for me in my time of need and for the fact that they have always been there for me even in the slightest of ways. Thank you Lord for truly unbelievable friends and neighbors that have become our extended family, who, despite their own incredibly busy lives, have and continue to make themselves available to us over and over again. For all these things and so much more I am grateful.
Please Lord help me through this struggle. Help me have the strength to continue to move forward, to be present as a wife, to be present as a mother, to be present as a daughter, a sister and a friend despite what challenges fighting this disease brings me. I can't do this alone. I need His help and I need the help and love of my family and friends. I will get through this. I will beat this disease.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Where was I? Oh yeah...
"Chemo brain"is a clinically proven side effect to Chemotherapy. This trumps pregnancy brain and Mommy brain any day. If I do not write it down I will not remember it. If I do not put it into my blackberry calendar I will not remember it. Try as I might it I just keep forgetting things. Although I do have a lot of balls I am juggling in the air at the present moment!!
I don't know how it happens but I'm still doing too much. Anyway, it's been a long two days. Here's the most important updates: 1) mysterious bug bite is not infected or anything more to worry about so I can move on; 2) we don't have any bugs in any of our bedrooms (oh no, just the two stealth mission impossible creepy crawlers that happened to target me in two different bedrooms on two different nights) but we will bomb the house anyway this Thursday morning and 3) I am molting like a chicken except instead of feathers I am losing my hair. I'm going tomorrow afternoon to get my head shaved. As a friend of mine, Thomas, pointed out the look I am going for is more Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta and Sinead O'Connor - Bald and Beautiful than spur of the moment Britney Spears - Bald and Ugly. His words not mine but I agree. Bald and Ugly would not be so great!!
As for a more detailed look at the past two days and my upcoming week - I am attaching a link to a PDF of my schedule for this week so you can see the madness that has become my daily life. And this is even the scaled down and de-scheduled version compared to last week! -Jessica and Abby's schedule-
Lorraine came over and helped my upload all the meditation CD's including the special cancer support series with the Hemi-Sync technology. We also figured out how to get all my music uploaded onto this super light and ultra thin but no CD or DVD drive macbook air that I am currently using to write... It was also the needed push I needed to get both my ipod and nano updated and hooked up as well. Now I can meditate anytime and anywhere. Or I can just listen to my favorite tunes and calm the heck down. Music gives me good energy. At this moment I am listening to a homemade medley of The Sundays, Cowboy Junkies and Lisa Loeb. Some of my college CD's....good times.
Went to see Dr. Landres, my general physician since I couldn't get in to see my dermatologist until Friday. I tried pulling the pregnant with breast cancer card but still couldn't get in sooner. So I settled with seeing my GP. After waiting what seemed an eternity (since I needed to eat lunch) I sat with him in his office and waited for him to open up my computer file. He types notes while he talks to you... Um yeah, so he had to update his files with all the new info...29 weeks pregnant now, breast cancer, stage 3, lymph node positive, medical team, treatment, drug cocktail, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, glad he's all up to date and was told that the bug bite wasn't infected (if it was it would be red, swollen, hot and cause a fever). At least I got that question answered for a bargain $125. Oy. Normally, I wouldn't have gone but since I need to take every precaution I forced myself to go.
Movers were here today. What was supposed to be a simple move of furniture and assembly of new baby furniture turned into a five hour ordeal. Ugh. ugh. ugh. It's over now and everything is in it's place. Nursery looks really spare BUT it scared me a little bit because this baby is coming and he's coming in 8 weeks or less. I tried to talk to Abby about Mommy having a baby and it being her little brother and how he'll sleep in the room next door but I'm not quite sure she "got it". Was busy vacuuming and helping arrange things that I lost track of time and skipped my shower and was late for lunch with Elizabeth. I call Elizabeth and she is already there....boy do I feel terrible. But if there is anyone who understands what I'm going through and can be empathetic it is my gorgeous friend Elizabeth. She's my spiritual warrior friend that can speak to me on a deep and spiritual level. She came over instead and I pushed my acupuncture appointment back to 5pm (thankfully since I wouldn't be able to make that either). It is always nice to talk to Elizabeth since we always talk openly and honestly about our deeper emotions. The best advice she gave me today was to "lower my standards" and start accepting that I can't do everything and that it is OKAY. Sage advice. I hope I was helpful to her too in some way.
The last portion of my staples from the surgery for the port came off this morning. It looks alright, it has formed a nice scab but I can tell that it is really a deep, deep cut. There will be a large scar there for sure. I'm sure the fact that the imbecile surgeon worked on it twice in the same incision doesn't help things. I tried putting a band aid on it and that was a bad idea since I am truly allergic to the adhesive. I never really figured that out since I didn't wear band-aids too often. Ce la vie. At least now I know. Hopefully some neosporin and open air will continue to help the process.
I am stalking my postman waiting for my cookies from Julie. Best vegan cookies I've ever had!! They should be here any day now. I am greatly looking forward to them.
Tomorrow the painters are here again... I think I'm skipping the Cassidy toddler program tomorrow. Me and Abby can hang out and do something here at home. Then she'll nap and I want to try to make prenatal yoga tomorrow with teacher Alex. At 3pm I will be shaving my head at the little barber shop my husband goes to up in Brentwood Village. Kristen is going with me for support and she is going to bring scarves to help me figure out how the heck to style them on my bald head. I'm so unstylish and lazy though that if I don't look too hideous with the shaved head I am just going to be G.I. Jane. I'll just wear a little more make-up to balance out my look, maybe a brighter shade of lipstick?
Alright folks. Time for bed. I'm exhausted. I'm sure you're not surprised. I say it way too often! Keep the emails and comments coming. I love hearing from you.
I don't know how it happens but I'm still doing too much. Anyway, it's been a long two days. Here's the most important updates: 1) mysterious bug bite is not infected or anything more to worry about so I can move on; 2) we don't have any bugs in any of our bedrooms (oh no, just the two stealth mission impossible creepy crawlers that happened to target me in two different bedrooms on two different nights) but we will bomb the house anyway this Thursday morning and 3) I am molting like a chicken except instead of feathers I am losing my hair. I'm going tomorrow afternoon to get my head shaved. As a friend of mine, Thomas, pointed out the look I am going for is more Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta and Sinead O'Connor - Bald and Beautiful than spur of the moment Britney Spears - Bald and Ugly. His words not mine but I agree. Bald and Ugly would not be so great!!
As for a more detailed look at the past two days and my upcoming week - I am attaching a link to a PDF of my schedule for this week so you can see the madness that has become my daily life. And this is even the scaled down and de-scheduled version compared to last week! -Jessica and Abby's schedule-
Lorraine came over and helped my upload all the meditation CD's including the special cancer support series with the Hemi-Sync technology. We also figured out how to get all my music uploaded onto this super light and ultra thin but no CD or DVD drive macbook air that I am currently using to write... It was also the needed push I needed to get both my ipod and nano updated and hooked up as well. Now I can meditate anytime and anywhere. Or I can just listen to my favorite tunes and calm the heck down. Music gives me good energy. At this moment I am listening to a homemade medley of The Sundays, Cowboy Junkies and Lisa Loeb. Some of my college CD's....good times.
Went to see Dr. Landres, my general physician since I couldn't get in to see my dermatologist until Friday. I tried pulling the pregnant with breast cancer card but still couldn't get in sooner. So I settled with seeing my GP. After waiting what seemed an eternity (since I needed to eat lunch) I sat with him in his office and waited for him to open up my computer file. He types notes while he talks to you... Um yeah, so he had to update his files with all the new info...29 weeks pregnant now, breast cancer, stage 3, lymph node positive, medical team, treatment, drug cocktail, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, glad he's all up to date and was told that the bug bite wasn't infected (if it was it would be red, swollen, hot and cause a fever). At least I got that question answered for a bargain $125. Oy. Normally, I wouldn't have gone but since I need to take every precaution I forced myself to go.
Movers were here today. What was supposed to be a simple move of furniture and assembly of new baby furniture turned into a five hour ordeal. Ugh. ugh. ugh. It's over now and everything is in it's place. Nursery looks really spare BUT it scared me a little bit because this baby is coming and he's coming in 8 weeks or less. I tried to talk to Abby about Mommy having a baby and it being her little brother and how he'll sleep in the room next door but I'm not quite sure she "got it". Was busy vacuuming and helping arrange things that I lost track of time and skipped my shower and was late for lunch with Elizabeth. I call Elizabeth and she is already there....boy do I feel terrible. But if there is anyone who understands what I'm going through and can be empathetic it is my gorgeous friend Elizabeth. She's my spiritual warrior friend that can speak to me on a deep and spiritual level. She came over instead and I pushed my acupuncture appointment back to 5pm (thankfully since I wouldn't be able to make that either). It is always nice to talk to Elizabeth since we always talk openly and honestly about our deeper emotions. The best advice she gave me today was to "lower my standards" and start accepting that I can't do everything and that it is OKAY. Sage advice. I hope I was helpful to her too in some way.
The last portion of my staples from the surgery for the port came off this morning. It looks alright, it has formed a nice scab but I can tell that it is really a deep, deep cut. There will be a large scar there for sure. I'm sure the fact that the imbecile surgeon worked on it twice in the same incision doesn't help things. I tried putting a band aid on it and that was a bad idea since I am truly allergic to the adhesive. I never really figured that out since I didn't wear band-aids too often. Ce la vie. At least now I know. Hopefully some neosporin and open air will continue to help the process.
I am stalking my postman waiting for my cookies from Julie. Best vegan cookies I've ever had!! They should be here any day now. I am greatly looking forward to them.
Tomorrow the painters are here again... I think I'm skipping the Cassidy toddler program tomorrow. Me and Abby can hang out and do something here at home. Then she'll nap and I want to try to make prenatal yoga tomorrow with teacher Alex. At 3pm I will be shaving my head at the little barber shop my husband goes to up in Brentwood Village. Kristen is going with me for support and she is going to bring scarves to help me figure out how the heck to style them on my bald head. I'm so unstylish and lazy though that if I don't look too hideous with the shaved head I am just going to be G.I. Jane. I'll just wear a little more make-up to balance out my look, maybe a brighter shade of lipstick?
Alright folks. Time for bed. I'm exhausted. I'm sure you're not surprised. I say it way too often! Keep the emails and comments coming. I love hearing from you.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
We will rock you
I heard Queen's song today "We will rock you" and I thought it could be a good anthem for my cancer. Except I looked up the lyrics and meaning and it seems to be about 3-chord bands and saying "we will rock you" could mean WE will entertain you unlike those bands. However...I am going to alter this to mean "We will own you" and "We will beat you"... I will beat you cancer. I will own you cancer.
David got home this afternoon. Abby and I both really missed him. We all napped for a bit then David and I snuck out to a late lunch. After a nice lunch we went to Moondance, a little jewelry boutique because I wanted a little evil eye talisman to wear to ward off the bad energy. I selected a delicate Hamsa ("Hand of "G-d") symbol with a blue sapphire for the eye. It hangs so lightly on my wrist and it is a gentle reminder to take a breath, think positive thoughts and move forward.
My mom came over around 4 and Abby started jumping up and down to see "Gamma". Very cute. Abby was showing off all her new words and then a few more words to her vocabulary, that at the moment I cannot remember.
Symptoms wise I am still mainly just tired. I noticed my right ear ringing with a momentary hearing loss but it only happened twice and I'm sure it's probably nothing. Peanut is kicking up a huge storm. He is really just going at my internal organs like he's pissed they are in his way. That's been lots of fun. My hair is starting to shed a lot more. I'm afraid to touch it too much...I do have a LOT of hair so I'm hoping it slowly falls and thins out as opposed to falling out in large clumps (even though I know I'm not that lucky).
I watched the Nina Karp produced breast cancer video and it was really helpful. I want to pass it around to everyone. It was extremely educational. I cried through so much of it but overall it was insightful and helped me understand much more about this disease and about my upcoming journey. One of the women on the video said that the hair falls out at day 20. And it does so in clumps. I'm still crossing my fingers. At the end of the day, I don't care about my stupid hair. I care about my life. The hair will grow back and you know what, the short hair feels real good and is quite easy peasy.
The bites from the other night have turned into two weird blisters and so I'm going to force my way into the dermatologist's office tomorrow. Kristen's Mom Suzanne and and sister Staci called me after Staci talked to a friend who was bit by a brown recluse spider and got some weird rash the started to eat her skin. OMG. So horribly disgusting. My bite doesn't sound that bad and for the love of G-d DON'T EVER look up images of brown recluse spiders when you have a mysterious bug bite. Holy crap on a cracker. I almost vomited in my mouth. I doubt that's what I'm dealing with but I'm just going to make sure everything is OK and check it out anyway... My mom made me laugh when she said "Seriously?!?! A spider in your mouth. That's NEVER happened to me... How did that even happen?"
Lots of stuff this week. Dermatologist tomorrow. Lorraine and Mediation tomorrow. Acupuncture Tuesday. Chemo Thursday. Hydration Friday. Toddler classes. Just another normal week I suppose!
David got home this afternoon. Abby and I both really missed him. We all napped for a bit then David and I snuck out to a late lunch. After a nice lunch we went to Moondance, a little jewelry boutique because I wanted a little evil eye talisman to wear to ward off the bad energy. I selected a delicate Hamsa ("Hand of "G-d") symbol with a blue sapphire for the eye. It hangs so lightly on my wrist and it is a gentle reminder to take a breath, think positive thoughts and move forward.
My mom came over around 4 and Abby started jumping up and down to see "Gamma". Very cute. Abby was showing off all her new words and then a few more words to her vocabulary, that at the moment I cannot remember.
Symptoms wise I am still mainly just tired. I noticed my right ear ringing with a momentary hearing loss but it only happened twice and I'm sure it's probably nothing. Peanut is kicking up a huge storm. He is really just going at my internal organs like he's pissed they are in his way. That's been lots of fun. My hair is starting to shed a lot more. I'm afraid to touch it too much...I do have a LOT of hair so I'm hoping it slowly falls and thins out as opposed to falling out in large clumps (even though I know I'm not that lucky).
I watched the Nina Karp produced breast cancer video and it was really helpful. I want to pass it around to everyone. It was extremely educational. I cried through so much of it but overall it was insightful and helped me understand much more about this disease and about my upcoming journey. One of the women on the video said that the hair falls out at day 20. And it does so in clumps. I'm still crossing my fingers. At the end of the day, I don't care about my stupid hair. I care about my life. The hair will grow back and you know what, the short hair feels real good and is quite easy peasy.
The bites from the other night have turned into two weird blisters and so I'm going to force my way into the dermatologist's office tomorrow. Kristen's Mom Suzanne and and sister Staci called me after Staci talked to a friend who was bit by a brown recluse spider and got some weird rash the started to eat her skin. OMG. So horribly disgusting. My bite doesn't sound that bad and for the love of G-d DON'T EVER look up images of brown recluse spiders when you have a mysterious bug bite. Holy crap on a cracker. I almost vomited in my mouth. I doubt that's what I'm dealing with but I'm just going to make sure everything is OK and check it out anyway... My mom made me laugh when she said "Seriously?!?! A spider in your mouth. That's NEVER happened to me... How did that even happen?"
Lots of stuff this week. Dermatologist tomorrow. Lorraine and Mediation tomorrow. Acupuncture Tuesday. Chemo Thursday. Hydration Friday. Toddler classes. Just another normal week I suppose!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
APPROVED FOOD LIST
Many of you wonderful peeps who have expressed an interest in cooking for us which is so awesome and appreciated! Here is a list of my approved foods. The diet is primarily vegan, no dairy, except for some approved proteins while I am pregnant. Organic is best. They suggest that cooked foods are better to aid digestion (and my potential stomach issues during my Chemo treatment) than cold foods (i.e. cold salads vs. cooked vegetables). Stir-fry, soups and roasted vegetables have become staples. I haven't done much pasta though, however, I have in the past had brown rice pasta and it worked...
"Food is the best medicine. Medicine is the best food." - Hippocrates
Foods containing anti-cancer properties:
"Food is the best medicine. Medicine is the best food." - Hippocrates
Foods containing anti-cancer properties:
- Cruciferous vegetables
- Broccoli
- Broccoli Sprouts
- Brussels Sprout
- Cabbage
- Collard Greens
- Kale
- Horseradish
- Rutabaga
- Turnip
- Chinese Cabbage
- Cauliflower
- Broccoli Rabe
- Daikon
- Bok Choy
- Radish
- Spinach
- Arugula
- Mizuna
- Mustard Seeds
- Kohlrabi
- Tuber Vegetables
- Beet
- Potato
- Carrot
- Sweet Potato
- Taro
- Yams
- Jicama
- Parsnips
- Legumes
- Red, White, Pinto, and Navy beans
- Chickpeas
- Lentils
- Green Beans
- Peanuts
- Peas
- Asparagus
- Artichoke
- Squash
- Yellow
- Acorn
- Butternut
- Spaghetti
- Pumpkin
- Zucchini
- Mushrooms
- Shiitake
- Maitake
- Wood ear
- Crimini
- Portobello
- Seaweed
- Okra
- Tomato
- Turmeric - curry
- Ginger
- Garlic, Onion, Leek
- Berries
- Blueberries
- Blackberries
- Raspberries
- Strawberries
- Goji Berries
- Cranberries
- Acai
- Mangostein
- Citrus Fruits
- Grapes - especially red grapes
- Whole Gains
- Brown rice
- Quinoa
- Amaranth
- BREAD - sprouted wheat is all I will do
- Fermented Soy
- Tempeh
- Miso
- Natto
- Green and Black Tea (naturally decaffeinated)
- Herbs
- Oregano
- Cilantro
- Rosemary
- Sage
- Nuts and Seeds
- Flax seed
- Goat Dairy
- Coconut Water
- Protein (while pregnant)
- Eggs
- Chicken
- Turkey
- Fish (up to 3x per week)
Foods to avoid:
- Processed and refined foods
- Fried, Fatty and Burnt foods
- Refined sugar
- Artificial sweetener
- Alcohol
- Coffee
- Red Meat
- Preservatives, artificial colors and flavors
- Hormone-fed dairy and animal products
- AND BECAUSE MY TUMOR IS ESTROGEN RECEPTOR POSITIVE - NO SOY -- I can do limited amounts of tofu, edamame, etc. which is soy in its purest form but no soy-based substitutes or processed soy like soy cheese, soy burgers, etc. )
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