Here's what I now get that I was trying to understand before about death and dying. I lost a friend, Debbie, to pancreatic cancer recently. She was a mom to two young girls, four and eight. Fuck cancer!!! After losing my friend Martha the month before this threw me for another loop. A mutual friend of Debbie and mine was with her at the end. When I was finally able to talk about it and ask her how it was in the end she told me that the hospice care was beautiful and that Debbie was really ready and happy to go. This is something so painful for me to understand. If she had her choice she'd be walking around healthy as a wife and mother to those two amazing girls. Here's what I finally understand: when you are in so much pain and so debilitated that you are unable to care for yourself at even the most basic level, you want to stop your suffering. You also want to stop the anguish of those close to you. Your hope shifts from yourself to a life in the beyond full of fantasy, peace and love and to the bright and merry future for those you love and care for. You know that life will go on without you, that time heals most wounds, (I won't say all since I still miss Bennett terribly at times), and that your loved ones can thrive again. Debbie worked with and her family is still working with a Transitionalist to make the process easier. I know this time is very difficult for them. I also know they can come through it and find a new kind of normal with the memory of their beautiful and loving Debbie in their hearts. I am so sad for them right now.
I am also sad that the veil has been lifted from my eyes and I now better understand this process. I am grateful that there can be a process and a timeline for some who can "get their affairs in order". At the same time I am disappointed that there isn't a process or timeline for others who are taken suddenly and without warning.
What I have also come to understand is that you can't make decisions when you are in pain. You aren't in the right mental state. I say this to many people I meet who are recently diagnosed with cancer or other life-threatening illnesses...get the pain under control first.
I literally thought for the past three days that things were not going my way. My faith and hope was wavering. Not just in the usual seesaw, teeter totter way that I know I can bounce back from. The Angio/mapping was way more than I was prepared for. The procedure was traumatic for my body that was already weak. I slept all the time as time allowed. I battled intense UTI symptoms from the catheter; a swollen, bruised and painful groin area from the incision which inhibited my mobility; and more ankle pain from not being prepped and supported properly during the procedure. Thankfully the sore throat went away relatively quickly! The worst part was on Sunday I started having very bad stomach pain, my abdomen was swollen and bloated. Whether I ate or didn't eat I felt really uncomfortable and doubled over in pain. I kept thinking it was my liver. Fast-forward two days later to dinner and my friend Jeanne reminds me of c-section recovery and all the gas and bloating. She asked if I've tried Gas-X? Why no, no I haven't tried Gas-X. I ran out to get some and have been eating it ever since. I feel so much better! They must have pumped me full of air since I had a breathing tube and so they could fill the lungs to better see the liver. Ockham's razor - it's probably gas! After gas-x like candy and more rest my head was in a much better place to battle the next step in Agent Oso's plan: infusion day!
Here's what I got through yesterday:
1) Anxiety
2) Walking down the street to get a tea to kill time while blood work and chemistry were analyzed with David in 100 degree heat, port accessed and wrapped, wearing sandals and not having walked in over a week.
3) Carboplatin skin test - like a TB skin test to check for allergic reaction but with a burning chemotherapy agent injected just under your skin.
4) More anxious waiting - I've already had carboplatin the first go-round for six infusions so now they have to test me each time for a possible allergic reaction before we can proceed.
5) Infusion was a GO!
6) 10 minutes later intense Charlie horse cramps in both feet but primarily the right. That poor right leg - terribly bruised and healing from the groin incision and procedure, ankle still a mess, and walking in stupid sandles for 20 minutes as the first exercise since Angio. I used to get these terrible cramps all the time but ballet really got rid of them. I really, truly miss ballet and need to get back...
7) Infusions (Carboplatin them Gemzar with a side of Dex steroid, kytril and hydration) were no problem - just very tired, you know the heated tired behind the eyes kind I've referred to in the past.
8) Made it just in time to pick up Abby from school, David racing in his tesla (which has strong G-Force so I almost lost my lunch a few times...love you Honey).
Fell asleep at a reasonable time tonight but woke up at 2:45 with terrible leg pain. I laid here in agony for 15 minutes and couldn't figure out what to do... Should I call the nurse? Then, in my groggy stupor, I thought about Ockham's razor, the Gas-X and fixing the problem myself.
Think, Jessica, Think!!
1) Tylenol for pain
2) Massage the leg - Wow, huge knots in shins and calf. I had no idea.
3) Pressure point release - good kind of pain
4) Heat pad
5) Now I'm wide awake fighting urge to watch TV...and it's been an hour and a half so now I'm hungry too. So here I am typing this blog entry, which is probably just as bad but I still can't go back to sleep.
Notes to self:
1) No more walking in non-supportive shoes
2) Make PT session tomorrow before MRI about my ankle and plantar fasciitis instead of the capsular contracture in the left breast.
3) Up melatonin to 5 per night while not fasting. FYI - melatonin is not a sleep aid it is to strengthen your innate immune system according to Dr. Conklin.
4) No more cell phone at night either if can't sleep. Ask what I can take as a sleep aid during treatment.
5) Blog entry on Dr. Conklins supplement regimen and schedule.
Good morning!! It's 5:30AM. Now the F-ing sprinklers are cycling and birds are chirping. I can't get back to sleep. Time to sign off. Thanks for listening. Thank you for being here with me.
A huge thank you to Debbie K. for the surprise visit complete with gorgeous peonies, a rose quartz Ganesh (Jai Ganesh!!) and other wonderful gifts. And a heart felt thank you to Patti and Howard W. for a special box that arrived when I got home from the infusion today with a bracelet and necklace of Ganesh. (Jai, Jai Ganesh!!). The three of you lifted my spirits this week when I was really struggling!! Thank you. You people are just so crazy!! Crazy thoughtful.
Sending my love to all!
Night night.
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