Home now playing chess...

Teach Me to Play Chess 

5:15 wake up
Throw Mom in the car
Racing to Cedars
Pit in stomach growing
Anxiety masked as hunger
Or possibly both
Checking in
Advanced directives
Signing my life away
Cutest elderly couple telling jokes
Happy David Lynch style
"If everything is coming your way, move, you're in the wrong lane"
Sharing the laughter
Tinged with jealousy
Taken in groups up to prepare
Icy cold stalls
Naked in gowns
Warm hospital blankets
The only civilized thing
Checks, doubles and triples
Paperwork and Data Entry
I'm so parched
Patiently waiting
Hierarchy is apparent
Doctors among gods
You can tell who's the best
R E S P E C T  and A W E
Spinal surgeon walking on air
Too be that important
A mortal god with healing hands
Regrets from not pursuing more
Could that have ever been me?

Transport to OR

Down a long creepy hall

Where is everyone?

New Sterile Room

Specialized Techs for expensive machines

Nurses with nicer jewelry

Anesthesiologist with a 9 month old

Wait, I need a breathing tube for this?

Instant dread, "only a sore throat"...
Checking for pulse spots
Why on my feet?
Access my port and dressing it up
Doing the OR prep dance
My Deity of a Doctor arrives
Everything's all set
Saw good news on the scans he says
A wish in my head
Skip the whole blasted thing?
Mom says goodbye
So thankful she's here
Everything suddenly set to warp speed
Listening through a ringing filter
Did you give me something?
"Oh, most people don't feel that"
Oxygen and two more minutes
Deep breaths
Think of happy dreams
Family playing on the beach
Perfect sunny day
Laughter and delight
Innocence and freedom

Procedure went well?
Waiting for shunt results
Bed rest for three hours
Urinate in a bed pan?
Wished to sleep more
Crabby old man needs interpreter
Screaming at nurses
Irate blood pressure warnings
Shouts "medicine" and "access"
Two hours can feel like a lifetime
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I say
Goodbye and so long!
Peace and quiet
Drinking icy cold water
Throat really hurts

Doctor came to talk
There are some issues
Angiogram better than scans
Much more disease than previously thought
10-12 lesions, seem to be dying
Scans aren't picking it up
You should get MRIs of liver
Scans are not accurate
Small lesions throughout the tissue
Too many lesions can complicate liver function
Changes procedure landscape
Barely a candidate
Liver may not tolerate spheres
Can it continue normal bodily functions if completely suppressed?
Liver function and Billirubin tests
Philomena will call to change your chemo
I'm not wanting to hear this
We opened up a spot for the procedure
If we move forward on May 21st.
See what Philomena says

I'm reeling.
Did I just hear that...
Almost a goner?
I only have one liver
The nurse says, No...
Breast cancer most researched
Plenty more chemotherapy agents
Should you not proceed with spheres
Meaning: no longer be eligible

I'm resting at home now.
Throat getting worse
Tea, Water, Applesauce, Acai bowl
Reeling from the news
Advanced liver disease
Vampire lesions sucking my blood
He says start on right over left lobe
But left had larger lesions.
Tumor markers weren't lying
They are abandoning the mother ship
Striking out on their own
Multiple small lesions all over
Worse than big main ones

Talked to Philomena
Yes, we are changing chemos
Starting early this week
Scheduling a liver MRI S-T-A-T
Talking to Doctor to postpone
21st too soon, need a month
Need one new chemo cycle
New combo may not lose hair
Good bye cold caps?
Philomena says no need,
Penguin Cold Caps say yes
I think a break is ideal
Now fasting yes, yes, yes.
But not for this week.

Lots of moving pieces
My health is a chess board
I really wish I knew how to play
This checkered board game
That has become my life
Trying to control the strategy
Before a checkmate