A few updates

I'm starting to come out of my coma from the new chemo regimen on Wednesday. They so did not prepare me for this round. Or perhaps it was just that my body is so weak from recovering from the Angio, the Abraxane, the sprained ankle, the PT from the left breast, etc, etc, that the side effects are hitting me stronger than usual. I have been sleeping non-stop since Wednesday. That early morning, painful wake up call threw me off but I've been working with my RN Paige on relief. The next night, since I couldn't pick up my Rx, I took half a vicodin and an ativan. I am not a pill pusher. I can't stand taking pills. I was desperate for relief. That combo seriously knocked me out. Normally, when I rest after chemo I will watch a TV show while eating lunch or surf the iPad but I haven't been able to keep my eyes open at all. For real. Now I'm able to take Tramadol for the pain and went back to my melatonin for sleep. The serious pain meds give me hangover headaches and make me super nauseous so I have to take zofram to eat. Ugh. I just want off all this stuff. STAT. 

I was immediately reminded of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Seriously, this is how I feel. "I'm kicking my ass…do you mind"?!?! 

I had the liver MRI Thursday evening. More poking for an IV because they couldn't use my port. I used my "off limits" left arm but my right side is pretty cooked. Very odd time for an MRI but I digress. It wasn't my favorite MRI so far, brain and breast were easier. The liver MRI requires lots of breathing in and holding your breath. To top it off, at one point, the tech forgot to tell me that I could breath again so I had to press my call button and remind him to tell me that it was OK to breathe!! WTH. I'm so glad that's over...

Friday, I met with Philomena. The procedure is out. As I see it, nothing was a waste. The Angio revealed important live saving information before it was too late. I'm grateful for that. Right now, the only thing I can do is systemic treatment, we're going with the Carboplatin/Gemzar combo. On my stage IV breastcancer.com discussion boards my liver mets sisters have had good success on this combo for knocking the liver mets out of the park. That is my plan too.

This was the first time I've felt Philomena be glum at an appointment. She said it's not grim but she said "yes, things are progressing and we need to stop it;" I still have a lot of chemo regimens available to try but she sees this a lot with her younger patients. Cancer is more aggressive. She said she wants me to meet with the researcher at Cedars who handles the Phase 1 trials. She has a patient the same age as me who had tried even more chemo regimens without success and then went in a phase 1 trial that has kept it stable for 9 months. When I hear things like that I think, awesome. But what I also hear is "9 months" like that is some kind of prize. I want this f-ing cancer gone and I want to be NED in 2014. Universe please make this happen. This process right now is really difficult. I am losing faith. I think this is because I feel so bad physically. I can't wait to get back up some energy and get back to walking, ballet and yoga. I know I need to keep my body physically happy so I can be mentally happy too.

Tomorrow is the Susan Love "Walk with Love" walk here in my neighborhood. I am going to walk, I will listen to my body but with each breath and each step forward I am going to appreciate that I am alive and fighting to live. I will appreciate that I am a warrior. I will appreciate the warm day, the breeze through the trees, the love and support of my family and friends, and the community in which I live.

I breathe in peace and I exhale gratitude. Prana.

Love,
Jess