Whatta week.

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit.  It was a crazy week last week. Oh wait, I can't use that word to qualify my week since I've been overusing it, don't you think??  That's that whole "new level of normal" thing kicking in.  It was a USUAL crazy, in layman's terms, week for me except for the addition of a) not sleeping Tuesday night b) getting a cold a few days later c) Abby waking up in the middle of the night several times over the past few days (she swears there are spiders in her bed) and d) my final interview with the last on my list of plastic surgeons. 

A) Tuesday I had made the mistake of watching the news about Japan all day (and snippets for several days before that) then Sharon came over Tuesday night to walk me through surgical options plus dealing with surgery and recovery while caring for two young kids.  I had so much on my mind and David was out of town so I could not get to sleep.  I tried and tried.  Usually, you could hang me on a doornail and I could sleep. I didn't want to take any drugs since my body is already being pumped with so much poison (that and oh, I never filled my prescriptions for any of those drugs) so I just laid there and laid there some more until I finally got to sleep around 2:30 in the morning.Then as usual was up at 6ish with Leo. I was a wreck. But of course, despite being a wreck I went to pilates.  For some reason that day was the day Milla decided to really make the session hard. Ugh.

B) Needless to say Thursday I was feeling really weak and eventually came down with a cold. Just your run of the mill, headache and sore throat which has now become chest congestion, cough and a case of the blahs.  I decided Thursday to fill my ativan prescription, or actually I should say, my very helpful mother in law Sue went and filled it for me (thank you!) and took that Thursday and Friday night with some sore throat spray in hopes that rest would ward off the cold from becoming full blown. Well good luck with that when you have a suppressed immune system off of Chemo! Oh but I only jest. It's not unmanageable, just annoying and another thing that makes me more tired on top of the Chemo.

C) Abby has entered the "magical" phase where her imagination seems to get the best of her sometimes. Case in point. Spiders.  She thinks that they are in her bed and has screaming fits. She is also like this with bees, flies and beetles. I don't know when she developed that fear but I can certainly identify. If I wasn't trying to bravely show her all the time that if we "leave the bees alone they won't hurt us" I would be running and screaming for the hills every time I saw one myself.  So we are dealing with that. Last night I pulled a Christina, only she'll know what I mean, and got into Abby's crib with her to show her that indeed there were NO spiders and indeed you CAN sleep on that half of the bed.  She seemed to be much more calm about it today during her nap so hopefully that helped.  We'll know if she actually sleeps through the night tonight.  Fingers crossed.

D) Plastic Surgeons and General Surgeons.  Ugh.....I have had so much on my plate and then to top it off I am mulling over the possibilities of potential surgeries. I have had so many conversations with so many doctors but the last interview I had with Dr. Barbara Hayden was the best.  She was amazing. She is a breast cancer survivor herself so she had a very unique perspective to share.  She also is a friend of some friends of ours so 1) I was able to get in to see her on short notice and 2) she was much more candid with me than she would ever be with a patient.  Or as she said, she wasn't being very politically correct in our interview.  She said that all the doctors will just keep providing options but none will ever suggest one thing over another since they want to cover their ass.  In the CYA methodology they provide you with statistics and make suggestions but no one wants to be held liable if a recurrence were to happen.  Of course.  Barbara said that her experience as a cancer patient completely changed and improved upon her practice as a doctor. That being said, she helped me map out the decision based on my unique situation.  In the pro's column against mastectomy (and for lumpectomy) we have 1) not a BRCA1 gene carrier and 2) radiation necessary regardless.  In the con's column for mastectomy we have 1) my age (I'm only 34 for a few more months) and the chance that it comes back in my lifetime is very high 2) the size of my tumor shows it was an aggressive cancer and may have satellite groups of cells so margins may not clear during lumpectomy and 3) radiation. Also against lumpectomy was the fact that I want to have a reduction and lift.  That creates more scar tissue which would light up in my yearly scans and make me worry more.  She said there would always be some "inconclusive" areas in an MRI or scan due to that scar tissue and they would want to do more tests which would only make me unnecessarily worry.

Now why would radiation be both a positive and negative?  Having radiation may reduce my risk of recurrence by two thirds BUT if I did have a recurrence I would then HAVE to have a mastectomy and reconstruction AND...reconstruction under radiated tissue is much more difficult and removes several reconstruction options.  She suggested that I have a mastectomy and reconstruction of the left breast. Then have the radiation, take the time to heal and then the final reconstruction. I would then have a reduction and lift of the right breast to match the left breast.  She said that the recovery would be faster and I would be in less pain.  She said having a mastectomy is hard and having a double mastectomy is doubly hard.  She wouldn't want me to do a double mastectomy unnecessarily.

After all that we had the most lovely conversation that had me in tears. About taking care of myself. About being kind to myself. About how cancer is a wake up call. About how I need to listen to my body. About how I need to NOT watch the news at all right now. About how I need to do more things like watching kid movies with my sister or cartoons with Abby. About how right now is that time to try to cancel things on my schedule, to stop having unimportant commitments, to be present in the moments, to laugh, to love, to be happy and to STOP doing anything that makes me unhappy.  About the need to keep my cortisol levels down.  Stress is the enemy!!

She also shared the unique perspective about how once you are diagnosed with a life threatening illness or have experience a profound loss (2 for 2 on that one unfortunately) you cross this invisible line in life that separates you from others who have not had to face their own mortality.  She said that is possibly why I had such a hard time with the devastation in Japan and why I should not be watching the news. Right now is not the time to be worrying for others in that way.  It's true I can't help feeling deep within my being the torment and pain that the Japanese people must be feeling. That is why I need to shield myself from having to go there. Later yes. Now not so much.  So the red cross will be getting a donation from us but until I feel stronger I will no longer be glued to CNN...

We talked about so many things and I just loved her. Oh and she happens to be one of the BEST surgeons in Los Angeles.  That means, of course, that I want no one other than her to do my surgery. So that was good news.  The bad news is that she had a couple of things to say about the general surgeons I had interviewed.  Barbara only works at St. John's so that leaves my choices to Dr. Armando Giuliano and Dr. Alice Chung (both of whom I have seen).  She leaned towards Dr. Chung which wasn't what I was thinking (she gave me some reasons that I'm not to repeat).  I really like Dr. Phillips but he doesn't work at St. John's.  Major dilemma!!  So I have some more research to do in talking with others about their experiences with Dr. Giuliano to make the final decision.

Ohhhhh, way past my bed time now.  That won't help me get better... Good night!!