Loving Kindness

I wish I could be kinder to myself. My body is really taking a beating.  That doesn't mean that my mind and spirit has to take a beating too.  I am finally getting over this darn cold. And my hair started falling out Wednesday so I had to give in two days later and shave my head. Aunt Flow came to visit too on Friday. At least I was able to go to ballet this week despite the cold and the unexpected visit (which opens up a whole different can of worms since Dr. Daly was trying to figure out if I could get pregnant on Chemo). The other thing that is bothering me is that I have really lost (I'd say over the past few weeks) my joy for food. I don't really crave anything and nothing "sounds" good to me.  I just kind of pick something that I would normally eat, eat it and then move on. I'm eating less too. The only thing I like these days are my green smoothies.  I really just want vegetables.  It could be that I have brainwashed myself and it really isn't a conscious choice anymore to be a vegetarian.

Anyway, I also wonder if it was inevitable that my hair would fall out again or that maybe if I didn't get a cold and a visit from Aunt Flow that my hair would still be attached to my head. Or it could be the stress from trying to be supermom and spend quality time with each kid, trying to make a decision about a breast and a plastic surgeon, trying to make a decision about my breasts, yada yada yada. It's enough to make anyone positively insane.

All that being said, I really want to learn to be kinder to myself.  Our therapist Pam was telling me about a meditation from a lecture she went to with Sharon Salzberg.  It's called the Loving Kindness Meditation or sometimes called the Metta Meditation.  I have been obsessed, or as much as I can be, in all my free time with learning about this.  The first time that I did this I had streams of tears as I read the meditation out loud to myself.  (Eventually I will be able to do this quietly in my mind as well...)

So the loving-kindness meditation is an ancient meditation practice taught by the Buddha himself which is designed to bring unconditional love to your Self, your loved ones and to beings throughout the universe. It helps bring peace to various situations taking place in your life. It also allows you to look at the world in a more positive light.  It brings about positive attitudinal changes - as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind.

Here are the instructions as taken from "A Path With Heart" by Jack Kornfield, (Bantham Books 1993) but it is also possible to recite to oneself the Buddha's discourse on kindness

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"Begin by repeating the following phrases over and over for 15-20 minutes once or twice daily in a quite place for several months. At first this meditation may feel mechanical or awkward or even bring up the opposite feelings of irritation and anger. If this happens, it is especially important to be patient and kind toward yourself, allowing whatever arises to be received in a spirit of friendliness and kind affection. In its own time, even in the face of inner difficulties, loving- kindness will develop."

"Sit in a comfortable fashion. Let your body relax and be at rest. As best you can, let your mind be quiet, letting go of plans and preoccupations. (THIS IS SO VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO). Then begin to recite inwardly the following phrases directed to yourself. You begin with yourself because without loving yourself it is almost impossible to love others."

May I be filled with loving-kindess
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy

"As you say the phrases, you may also wish to use the image from the Buddha's instructions: picture yourself as a young and beloved child, or sense yourself as you are now, held in the heart of loving-kindness. Repeat the phrases again and again, letting the feelings permeate your body and mind."

"Practice this meditation repeatedly for a number of weeks until the sense of loving-kindness for yourself grows."

"When you feel ready, in the same meditation period you can gradually expand the focus of your loving-kindness to include others. After yourself, choose a benefactor, someone in your life who has truly cared for you. Picture them and carefully recie the same phrases: May he/she be filled with loving- kindness and so forth. When loving-kindess for your benefactor has developed, begin to include other people you love in the meditation, picturing them and reciting the same phrases, evoking a sense of loving-kindness ofor them."

"After this, you can gradually begin to include others: friends, community members, neighbors, people everywhere, animals, the whole earth, and all beings. Then you can even experiment with including the most difficult poeple in your life, wishing that they, too, be filled with loving-kindess and peace. With some practice a steady sense of loving-kindness can develop and in the course of 15 or 20 minutes you will be able to include many beings in your meditation, moving from yourself, to a benefactor and loved ones, to all beings everywhere."

"Then you can learn to practice it anywhere. You can use this meditation in traffic jams, in buses and airplanes, in doctors' waiting rooms, in a thousand other circumstances. As you silently practice this loving-kindness meditation among people, you will immediately feel a wonderful connection with them -- the power of loving-kindness. It will calm your life and keep you connected to your heart."