Oh, ugh. Winning.

Get ready for a Debbie Downer post. I am just feeling so depressed.  Probably because it's Monday and probably because I'm here at Tower so I'm sure that's not abnormal.  I'm kind of tired though too so that usually makes me feel down in the dumps.  I was carrying the baby up the stairs this morning and I let myself succumb to the realization that I had to go to stupid Chemo.  Ugh. That immediately changed my reality and therefore my mood.  I did get to have a lovely morning with both Leo and Abby before I left so that made up for some of my doom and gloom.

We are a GO for Chemo today. I should be jumping for joy (REALLY!?!?!?) but I'm not. They are preparing my medications now except that it is for the higher dose. Before I even got here Dr. McAndrew prepared the order for the higher dose to be administered every three weeks. Pia informed me when I got here and was drawing my blood.  Sometimes the communication with my oncology team isn't so great. I thought the idea was to check my blood first then make the decision but not so.  I'm being switched to triple dose. Duh, winning!! Pia has told me that because I am switching to the higher dose I will have more pre-meds and will be at Tower all day for the infusion. Niiiiice.

On a side note, I am pissed that "they" (doctors and researchers) group stage 3 cancer with stage 4 cancer. That means I don't qualify for Dr. Guiliano's new study that supports not taking all lymph nodes during a lumpectomy with "early stage" cancers (i.e. Stage 0, 1 and 2).  As I sat in the waiting room here at Tower I read a brochure from the "Cancer Support Community" that grouped Stage 3 with Stage 4 AND recurrent AND metastatic breast cancer together. Now, that really pisses me the fuck off.  Isn't Stage 3 not considered terminal cancer?  It's still only in a few lymph nodes, I am hoping that after my surgery Dr. Giuiliano will tell me that only a few nodes were positive and therefore he didn't have to take all 17 nodes out AND furthermore that will stage my cancer at Stage 2B or Stage 3A.  Fingers crossed.

Holy moly.  I just got up to use the restroom and wheeled over my pump and my face is so flushed from the steroids.  Either that or I'm on a super drug, oh yeah, I am, it's called Jessica Berman. Winning!!  Pia has just started my benadryl drip.  Holy crap. I am slurring my words trying to talk to my mom.  Good night.  Apparently that much benadryl makes you high and knocks you out. Who knew?!?  Winning!!

Here are some of my favorite Charlie Sheen quotes to amuse you while I nap it out.  But as you know, I like Charlie don't sleep, I wait. AND furthermore most of the time, and that includes naps, I am an F-18.   Anyway...  Oh yeah, the man is off his rocker. Seriously. He is delusional and manic but most importantly a genius. He is going to make a fortune off all his tirades.  What a wack-a-doo.

What's the cure, medicine?
DUH, WINNING!!
I've got tiger blood man.
I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front.
You make a choice to win, and you win.
I'm bi-winning, I win here and I win there.
WINNING!!