Still waiting...

I am still waiting for results from the liver biopsy.... I called Dr. Mcandrew Friday -- I suppose I was fine putting it off all week so as not to seem too anxious and frankly sometimes ignorance is bliss -- but her nurse said she was at a conference in Washington and she would check for results and have her call me if anything was available. It is now 9:30PM on Monday night and I still don't have an answer.

I am now thinking that I would like to hop on a plane and go to MD Anderson to have another liver biopsy so they can analyze the sample themselves and come up with a treatment plan. I know that my hair is finally growing back and I like my "cute" short 'do but it is time to start getting this cancer out of me. It is time to get a treatment protocol in place. It is time to start making me sick so I can get better.

Waiting is infuriating at times. Thankfully it isn't too hard to wait when you had a 24-hour flu, one of your kids is sick and the other one is coming down with something too.  Life in the fast lane is so glamorous!

Tonight I started reading a book called "After Breast Cancer: A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment" by Hester Hill Schnipper and it is fabulous. It was a book I ordered after radiation when I was feeling so lost and needed help but didn't know where to turn. I ordered a few books off Amazon at the time and this was one of them. The one I started reading right away from that shipment was called "I am Not My Breast Cancer" by Ruth Peltason and that helped me at the time. I started getting stronger and wanted to stop identifying myself as a cancer patient so I apparently put all things "cancer" aside. This new book I cracked open tonight explains something I have been feeling but didn't understand -- When you are in active treatment you are so overwhelmed by the physical demands that you have little energy for the psychological issues that come with a breast cancer diagnosis. AND that is why a year coming out of treatment I still felt very lost but tried to busy myself with the mommy routine, the life mundane, attempting a social life, trying to get things back to "normal". I am still trying to process all that I have been through, all that I felt at the time and currently feel in the aftermath, and now dealing with a recurrence, which was my greatest fear realized.

The thought that I am going to have to go through it all over again doesn't phase me as much this time.  As a friend of mine texted me when I told her about the cancer coming back she said "they will ZAP it again".  At least this time I am not 6 months pregnant or require a c-section during my treatment. I know my body is still recovering from the treatment I had not so long ago but I feel stronger than I have been and I think that should count for something.

Tonight as I soaked in the epsom salt bath I looked at my body and I looked at all the scars and I was proud of myself. It was painful to think of each scar, where it came from and what the recovery was like. (Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type this)... I am like a warrior that has been to battle all too often. One port, two c-sections, a mastectomy with reconstruction, implant replacement, reduction and lift on the right breast, fat grafting, and I'm still not done. It is so easy to look at myself and think Frankenstein freak show. It is harder to look at myself with LOVE and COMPASSION. I survived all that and I will survive even more. I should be so proud. Why do I judge myself so harshly? Get out of here negativity. Leave. GO AWAY. Good bye. I am done with you. How can I look at myself with anything but awe? G-d, what I have been through!!!

Jessica, you can do this. You will do this.