Hello..and why won't you cover that?

I'm currently on hold with the insurance company. For some reason they won't cover a PET/CT scan but they will cover a PET scan and a CT scan on different days. Help me out with the ridiculousness of that one... You get better diagnostic imaging with the combined test and it is becoming the standard of care (even for medicare) so why is my insurance company making me jump through hoops? I suppose I'll find out in a moment when the representative on the other line figures it out for herself and gets back to me.

I had my bone scan yesterday so currently I am on hiatus from the kids while I am radioactive. Nuclear medicine is amazing to me. You literally get an injection of a radioactive material (called a tracer); specifically Technetium (99mTc) medronic acid. Ooh, that doesn't sound good and apparently it isn't since you can't be around children or pregnant women for 24 hours.  Crazy.

Thank the bureaucracy for loop holes because we think we found one that lets me get the combined PET/CT scan. In a nutshell we have New York insurance but if you are getting radiology services in California then it goes through Anthem and that is a plan with Blue Cross of California that doesn't required authorization or hoop jumping or walking backward while tying your shoe reciting the pledge of allegiance for coverage. I am keeping my fingers crossed for the test to happen!

Since I posted last I have talked to so many of my survivor friends who have been so helpful. I have reconnected with Annie and my heart is so full. I really missed her. She reminded me of something very important. The cancer may or may not be back. We hope that it isn't. If it is we know that it is possible to live with cancer treatment over the long term. She is a ten year survivor and each year there are better medicines and new technology that increase survival rates and quality of living with treatment. She said that some women, like her, have to treat cancer like any other chronic disease like diabetes or lupus. She goes for weekly treatment and still raises her precious boys (who are now big boys).

I am feeling downright calm right now, despite the fact that yesterday on my bone scan I noticed a hot spot lighting up in my T4 or T5 area of my spine. I don't remember recent trauma there so I am concerned but I am not a radiologist. A lovely woman in my Cancer Support Group last night (my first meeting ever of that sort and I loved it) said she had elevated tumor markers, things lighting up on different areas of the scans and after more and more (unnecessary) scans it ended up being nothing. Her markers went back down. This is the second story I've heard like this. Now I am just waiting to hear from Dr. McAndrew today once the radiologist releases the report....

Breast MRI Monday. PET/CT Tuesday, hopefully, it was originally going to be CT Tuesday and PET Wednesday but why should I have to get poked four different days and drink that disgusting barium drink two days in a row if I don't have to...?

I know that one thing I need to work on is asking for help. So many of my capable and compassionate girl friends have offered their help but I don't know how they can. I appreciate their support and their offers. It is nice to feel loved. So thank you everyone!!

It seems like the kind of support that helps most right now is from other survivors who understand the specifics of what I am going through. Scans, blood work, markers, experience, drugs, treatments, etc. I am getting much better, thanks to that mindfulness awareness study group, about identifying and understanding my own feelings. I am able to identify them and say it out loud to someone who understands and if no one is around then at least out loud to the universe. It reminds me of all the developmental lingo for raising young children - "I'm mad!!" or "I'm so excited!!" or "I'm angry and I want that toy!" - "It's hard to wait!" that is what I am teaching both myself and my kids.

I really love Abby's new school. The Director, Michele, and the teachers, Hillary, Crystal and Carly are totes amaze. Abby is like a different kid because of their influence. She has become this nurturing, compassionate little girl and I am so proud. The teachers said she is "quite the little Momma bear" and parents are coming up and telling me that Abby helped Ella carry her lunch box and Abby was helping Devin put on her shoes. I couldn't be more proud. I am raising a menchy kid!! Woo hoo.  Anyway, I was a bit of a mess Wednesday after learning about the tumor markers at the Parent meeting and the director sat with me for a while to discuss the situation. She suggested that now that Abby is older I introduce the word "cancer" into Abby's vocabulary so that whether or not I have a recurrence that she will understand what is going on, and even use more specific terms for the medications, etc. Before I told her that "mommy had a boo boo in her breast and the doctor fixed it with surgery and special medicine" but now she is always asking questions and pointing out that I only have one nipple and wanting to touch the side that was hurt. She is very concerned and nurturing. I don't hide anything from her. I want her to understand that everyone is different, that we may not look the same under our clothes but there is nothing to be ashamed of with our bodies. I am proud of my body and my boo boos and I know I am a stronger person because of them. She always asks me if it hurts and I say "it did at first but now it doesn't and I'm getting stronger every day".  I reread the Betsy Brown Braun book about "just tell me what to say" and talking about serious illness. Depending on what I find out I know our conversation with her will be more grown up, more specific, and more engaging.

First and foremost I want this to be nothing. However, I know that if the cancer has spread, we can deal with it. We can treat it and I will stay strong even when it is hard because I am a survivor, I am a fighter, and I want to see my family thrive.