Are you kidding me?!

I'm going to get down to brass tacks. I got an evening phone call from Tower Hematology...on the line calling for me was Philomena McAndrew, my oncologist herself, at 8:30 at night. She called to talk about my blood work that I had asked about at my last appointment this past Friday 9/28...So last Friday I went in for my 3 month Lupron injection and my infusion of Zometa and the whole way there I was anxious, angry, and scared. I feel like I had too long away from the oncologist's office and I suppose I got spoiled being away, you know, enjoying some freedom off the cancer leash. Things were going good, I'm feeling stronger every day and things are slowly getting back to a somewhat more manageable pace. I just finished the Avon Walk and have been back at ballet full force...plus kid classes, school pick up and drop off, and looking for a new house...(that'll be another update).

McAndrew said my tumor markers are up; double from my last full blood work up from June. I have to get scans (PET/CT and bone scan) right away. I don't get it. I mean, seriously, HUH?!?!?!? I already had my breast MRI scheduled for this coming Monday, the 8th...

I just looked up that breast cancer most often metastasises into the following areas lungs, liver and bones. She asked if I had any symptoms but I don't. She said my liver functions were all good. So that sounds promising. She asked if I had a cough? No...no, I don't. I don't have a cough. I did when the kids got sick and their cold ran through the house and it took a good three weeks for mine to go away but it is now gone. So that also sounds hopeful. I asked her if it could just be an anomaly. She said it was possible but she wants me to get the scans as soon as possible.

I think I'm going to take a valium. WTF.

Except I am home alone with the kids. Maybe half an Ambien so I can sleep? I don't think I can meditate my way out of this one. I feel a little overwhelmed in my big fat head.

I feel like my body is betraying me.
I feel like perhaps my body wants to throw in the towel but my mind and my heart do not.
I have to keep fighting.
I have to keep taking care of myself.
I need to stay healthy.
I want to live.

I will start to do things better. 

Maybe this is a wake up call.

I have been bad about taking my tamoxifen regularly.

So I just took my tamoxifen and my nighttime remifemin (a natural herbal supplement to help with the side effects of the anti-estrogen therapy).

I washed my face, put on my moisturizers, brushed my teeth...The dentist has been on my back about not flossing my teeth enough. So I just did that too.

Those are the things I CAN DO. I know that worrying about what may happen won't help so I'm going to keep the status quo and rock on. Keep Calm and Carry On.