Updates

I am recovering from my liver biopsy yesterday (Monday). This was after a cancelled one Thursday where I was poked three times, the first two obviously unsuccessfully and one of which popped a vein in my hand that left a large bruise!)... I was ready this time though. I planned for this one to go smoothly. I was scared shitless (at one point my teeth were chattering in the CT scan and that was even after taking a valium in the AM) but put on a good front and did totally awesome, great doctor at Cedars helped too.  I went to see Dr. Mao, my Chinese doctor and acupuncturist. I really just adore him. He told me what I know is the problem. Too must stress. Too much busy-ness and going, going, going. He said that I first of all need to give up this idea of things being perfect. To stop striving for perfectionism. I felt like he was looking right through me. The idea of perfection only leads us to failure, disappointment, and self-judging. The bar is set so high that it is unattainable and yet we get discouraged and down on ourselves because we couldn't achieve it. I laughed and told him how true it was, and yet....I picked up ballet when I was diagnosed. He said that ballet is the absolute pursuit of perfection and why not just start flogging myself?  That really did make me stop and think. He said to instead strive for wholeness and balance with body, mind and spirit.

I was having a really great pity part and feeling so lost and overwhelmed last week. As Dr. Mao put it my mind was like a run away train. He asked me how I felt before my report and I said "good" and he asked me how I felt after the news from the scans - "scared, angry, disappointed"...but physically I felt the same. He said there were studies of cancer patients whose Doctors gave some a clean bill of health regardless of their scan results and those that had the good news went on to thrive. Our minds are very powerful but the body, the mind, the soul all need to communicate.

I was at a party Saturday night and a woman who is a Christian Healer asked to pray over me. I, of course, agreed. Whatever your beliefs I feel there is an underlying connectivity to us all. I wept while she prayed and I asked her to tell God to heal my heart. My heart is still broken from losing our son, I feel it so deeply. I can't let it out. I have tried to cry lately and I just can't get it out.

I talked to a shaman this morning who talked about clearing the pathways in my body so that the body and mind can heal itself.  I also asked her to heal my heart. She said that when there is a death to someone very close to us that our bodies are taken by a cold energy she called the death energy. She started some work on my pathways but she felt there were many disconnects. Disconnects from my surgeries that are each a shock unto the body themselves. My liver needs to detox as well from all the toxic chemicals I put in my system to cure the cancer the first time.

I plan to clear out my liver so it can get rid of the cancer this time to. I am going to surround myself with positive light, from God, Jesus, the Universe, the Life Force, and from within so that I can shine.