Wrote a song 'bout it...

Remember that show In Living Color?  I loved that show.  There was this act where this guy, Calhoun Tubbs, would sing the blues, he'd talk then say..."wrote a song 'bout it and it went a little something like this...ah ha haaaah."  Just a random thought I had to make you smile if you remember it. I found the video on youtube so enjoy..."I've been a success at being a failure...for over 75 years...ah haaa haaah. Thank you very much!"

So I'm tired....and I wrote a song 'bout it. Like to hear it go! I was joking with my mom and said I figured out the best song to explain how I feel.  There's a song by Sublime called "Two joints" (probably a remake).  The song is about a pothead who smokes two joints in the morning. He smokes two joints at night. He smokes two joints in the afternoon, they make him feel alright. He smokes two joints before he smokes two joints and then he smokes two more. You get the idea. Anyway, replace the smoking with naps and that's my song.  I take two naps in the morning, I take two naps at night. I take two naps in the afternoon, they make me feel alright. I take two naps before I take two naps, and then I take two more.  Anyway, I'm punch drunk tired and I laugh at really ridiculous things.  So maybe that's not too funny but it is when you are delirious.

I also laughed because on the way to radiation the other morning these are the two songs I heard - Rick James' "Give it to me Baby" (lyric "I'll betcha I'll make you holler till you've had enough") and Nelly's "It's Getting Hot in Here" (lyric "so take off all your clothes").  These are very inappropriate songs but totally appropriate for radiation. Right??!?

I've started reading the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and watched the Louise Hay DVD about how "You Can Heal Your Life".  I really like both of them.  They are both helping me.  I now need to read her book after I finish Rabbi Kusner's book.

I want to talk about forgiveness.  It's important to have an open heart.  I love Oprah's quote on forgiveness. She says that "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed"... These are the things that I am working on.  Moving forward. Letting go. Forgiving myself. Forgiving other people.  Looking with hope to the future but staying very grounded in the present. BE PRESENT.

I wouldn't say that I've repaired the relationship with my father but I will say that I have let go of the hope that the past could be changed.  I have forgiven him for things that cannot be undone.  We haven't talked about the past but I'm not sure its important to, is it?  Is it important to acknowledge that things weren't great at times and emotions were hurt or is it better to move forward and start anew?  Isn't that forgiveness?  Not to dwell idly in the past.  What good is that?  The past is gone. The past is history.  The only thing we can control is the present. I don't think its prudent in any way to voice the anger I have about things in the past (except to my therapist maybe, then move on).  I'm sure he knows that he hurt me in many ways.  Why remind him of that?  Do I need an apology?  The only apology I needed was HIM making the effort to be in my life and my children's lives.  Small steps.  He made that effort.  He sought out to be a part of our lives. I honor that. I honor that intention.  Now there are no negative thoughts or angst towards him.  He's had several visits with the kids and they were lovely.  No expectations either.  I suppose I'm just letting things unfold and play out how they may.

I'm only thinking positive these days (*this is very hard to do but I say affirmations which help).  If there is anything negative I remove it from my life.  I don't have the energy to deal with any external pressures.  I loved hearing from so many of you after my last post. It really made me feel loved and helped me regroup for this battle.  I'm fighting the fight people!!!!