In the trenches...

I feel so bad for my poor mom.  Poor Lady. She is really in the trenches with me.  On Tuesday my nanny Agi left to go for her usual hike up Westridge.  Dun dun duh... 10pm that night I got a text from her that she sprained her ankle and couldn't walk on it.  Of course I was concerned for her but...geeeeez, I was also concerned for us.  What the hell were we going to do?  My mother in law is recovering from hernia surgery. Agi is down for the count. David was traveling. Thankfully Jessica, our new fabulous college student babysitter came the next day for a few hours but that was it. This week was just me and my mom.  We ordered out every night.  There is NO food in this house and grocery shopping isn't high on the list right now... I really feel like we are fighting a war and all the reserves have been called back.  No ground support. No heavy artillery. Just me and my mom muddy in the trenches without ammunition waiting for reinforcements...

All in all, this week was VERY difficult.  I already have NO energy. Zilch. Zip. Nada.  I am pulling from every fiber within my body to drive myself to stupid radiation and then drive home to be with either Abby or Leo (he's much easier to deal with considering my energy level) for the remainder of the day.  Mainly I put Leo in the bouncer and I lay on the couch and look at him. Or I put TV on for Abby and lay down with her.  It's "resting" per se but not the true kind of rest I need.  I try my very hardest to stay awake.  If Leo napped then I tried to sleep but newborn naps aren't predictable so usually what happens is just as I get to sleep he'd wake up.  Abby is the better napper but Tuesday after Bee Planet she decided she wasn't going to take a nap.  She screamed at me for like a half hour and I gave up.  Thankfully David flew home and was able to take us the the Country Mart for dinner and then put her to bed.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  My skin is really sunburned and tight.  There is dimpling now around the expander.  Or rather, the skin is so tight it is revealing the exact form of the expander.  That's kind of depressing. I hope it doesn't stay like that.  Dr. Hayden assures me it won't but who knows.  I know that it isn't what is important.  Living. Breathing. Being. Those are the things that are important.

Thank you for all of your messages. Please be assured that I read your facebook messages, emails, texts, and blog comments.  They mean so much to me.  Wish you could all be here to take care of these kids so I could sleep. Or cook us some food. Or go grocery shopping for me.  I'm so damn tired.

Anyway, I just confirmed with the radiation technicians that my last day of radiation is Monday, July 25th.  I just completed 27 of 28 of the "normal" sessions.  Then 5 of the "boost"...that's when they really fry, er I mean, target your skin.  She also told me that the radiation keeps "working" for 2 weeks after I stop the sessions.  So the skin will keep reacting for 2 weeks afterwards.  Shit. Shit. and Shit.

Almost done.  Almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And Agi is coming back to work this Tuesday.  Hallelujah.

Oh, and I also hear that it may take me a year to fully recover to my old self.  Actually, what I will recover to is a NEW normal since I will be on lupron and tamoxifen for the next five years.  What fun for me!!!  Aren't you jealous? I get to suppress estrogen and ablate my ovaries for five years. But that is the next goal.  I need to make it five years to be out of the woods.

Here is the mediation that is taped to my bathroom mirror that I say every night and morning when I brush my teeth.  (DAVID - I don't want any snide comments!).  If I had time and energy I would do it the way that it is recommended but instead I just READ it when I brush my teeth or wash my face.  The only one I can remember when falling asleep is the metta mediation (the loving kindness mediation). Anyway, I leave this for you to explore for yourself.  Good night!!

Healing Ourselves

This meditation can help us discover an underlying cause for an ailment and/or begin to release and heal it.

Sit or lie down breathe, and relax deeply.  Starting with your toes, feet, legs, pelvis and so on, put your attention on each part of your body in turn and tell it to relax and let go of any tension.  Feel all tension dissolving and draining away.  If you wish to, do the meditation on opening the energy centers in order to get your energy really flowing.

Now imagine golden, healing light energy all around your body… feel it…sense it…enjoy it.

If there is a particular part of your body that has been ill or is in pain, ask that part of you whether it has a message for you.  Ask whether there is something you need to understand or to do, right at this moment or in your life in general.  Remain quiet for a few minutes and notice if any words, images, or feelings come to you in response to these questions.

If you get an answer, do your best to understand and follow it.  If you don’t get an answer, just continue with the process.  The answer may come to you later, perhaps in a different form than you expect.

Now send special loving, healing energy to that part of you, and any part of you that needs it, and see or feel it being healed.  You may want to have your guide, or any master or healer, there to help you do the healing.

Picture the problem dissolving and flowing energy away, or whatever image works for you.

Now imagine yourself in natural, perfect health.  Think of yourself in different situations feeling well, active, and healthy.  Imagine nurturing and caring for yourself so you stay healthy.

l

Affirmations

I am loving and healing myself on all levels – spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.

I honor and respect my body.

I listen to my body’s messages.

I am learning to take good care of myself.

I love and accept my body completely.

I am good to my body, and my body is good to me.

I deserve to be healthy and feel good.

My body is balanced, in perfect harmony with the earth and the universe.

I give thanks for ever-increasing health, beauty and vitality.

It’s natural to feel good.

l

From now on, each time you do this meditation, picture yourself in perfect health, with golden healing light around you.