Hurry up already!!

Monday after radiation I took a four hour nap.  Tuesday only an hour.  Yesterday a 3 hour nap.  I am not kidding.  Zonked out naps.  I really need them.

They told me not to expect to feel better right away after finishing so I wouldn't get disappointed if I didn't. And I don't. Makes sense. The radiation keeps working in my body for two weeks after they stop blasting me.  So I'm still taking my naps and not doing much activity.  Just hanging with the babies mostly.  Unfortunately, I have to continue the Xeloda (low dose Chemo pill) that was the "boost" during radiation.  I was taking it during the week and off on weekends.  N O W...I have to take it 14 days on and 7 days off.  Not what I was hoping for but I get it.  Kill the son-of-a-bitch cancer.  This is what they call "systemic" therapy.  Systemic therapy is treatment for "living" with cancer.  Now there is the conundrum.  I am Stage IIIc where they treat to "cure" so why are they treating me like I am a Stage IV. But I'm not going to worry about it.  I'm young. I'm strong. I'm going to go with the flow.  I'm going to just "keep swimming"...as Dory from Nemo would say.

Oh and I bought a new kitchen table at the Bonham's auction last weekend (via phone), and let me tell you it is possible to get smokin' hot sweet deals on antiques in a down economy. We got a refectory table that was listed for $1500 - $2000 for a mere $500 hammer price.  There's still a buyer's premium but man, oh, man, what a deep discount.  I feel bad for the seller.  Only problem is now I need to buy chairs.  It's a fun little hobby that is keeping me sidetracked.  Anyway, now you know all my interior design secrets.

I read through Louise Hay's "Heal Your Body A-Z" book and here are the appropriate affirmations for my life.  Much of what she says in the book I have come to figure out through this process on my own (and from my own research over the years with books like The Art of Happiness, The Power of Now, etc), however, I really love her affirmations.  Some of you have asked for my affirmations so here you go my friends!  It is all about living in the present moment.  Letting go of the past. Forgiving ourselves and others.  Being free.  Being safe. Reaffirming self love.  Yes, I am drinking the kool-aid!!

PROBLEM		PROBABLE CAUSE		NEW THOUGHT PATTERN
Breast Problems		A refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Over-mothering. Overprotection. Overbearing attitudes.		I am important.  I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free
Cancer		Deep hurt. Long-standing resentment.  Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. “What the use?”		I lovingly forgive myself and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy.  I love and approve of myself.
Jaw Problems               (I clench at night)		Anger. Resentment. Desire for revenge. (Oh boy)...		I am willing to change the patterns in me that created this condition.  I love and approve of myself.  I am safe.
Lymph Problems		A warning that the mind needs to be re-centered on the essentials of life. Love and joy.		I am now totally centered in the love and joy of being alive. I flow with life. Peace of mind is mine.

I've started telling myself that I am not tired. That I feel good. That I am listening to my body's messages. That if I am going to be tired then I am going to make my body "earn" it. But that I am also honoring that my body is pushing through so much and is doing incredibly well. I am grateful for every increasing health and beauty!!! Remember that affirmation??

Also, next week I am going to start walking and hiking because I have to train for the Avon walk in Santa Barbara. Y E S I am doing it. N O excuses.  It will be truly inspirational and empowering!!

Oh, and David and I are doing a getaway mid-August for a week.  Some kind of holistic wellness retreat.  Perhaps the Amangani.  Wanted to do Enchanted or the Amangiri but it will be death valley hot so probably a no-go...  Research to be done this weekend so we can book it.  We really need this.

Night night.

D O N E..."for now"

The leader of my "mommy and me" group that I started with Abby and do now with Leo (or shall I say had been doing and will do again once I am well) taught me to use the phrase "for now" when talking about our children's habits.  He's sleeping through the night "for now" or She LOVES green beans "for now"...because their little lives keep changing so rapidly all the time.  I think I need to remember that for myself as well.  Remember that I am in treatment for cancer.  That even though I just had my last radiation treatment today that it really is the last of my treatment for now...

I think that has been the hardest part of this fight.  It's been almost a year. It feels like everyone is moving on with their lives. That's a good thing. I need to learn to find fulfillment within myself and my family.  I was thinking just this morning that because David is traveling this week I don't get to finish radiation and go home and celebrate with him. That made me sad. I am happy to be done that is true.  But it would be nice to puncuate the end of my radiation sentence with him.

For the past couple weeks I have been increasingly less social.  I just do not have the energy.  I don't have the energy to talk on the phone. Or email. Or chit chat. That has made my feelings of isolation even worse because I can't reach out to anyone because I really don't have much to say. Nor do I have the energy to listen.  That also makes me sad. I'll get healthier and then I can re-engage (that is if I have any friends left...JUST KIDDING!!).

In some ways, the absence of a social life has made my relationship with my family that much stronger.  I am grateful for that.  We have had to rely on each other through such difficult times.  How lucky I am to have a partner in life like David and two sweet kids. I do so much wish Ben could be here too (some days that eats at me more than others).  We have such beautiful babies.  I often wonder what Ben would look like now.  Sometimes I catch myself telling Leo that he is the most beautiful boy I have ever seen and then I feel guilty.  I'm positive I said the same thing to Ben.  

I came home and slept for about four hours after I got my radiation walking papers. That is not an exaggeration. Geez Louise. It felt good. I still struggle with the fact that my body desperately needs rest but all that sleeping to heal myself means less time with these little munchkins.

A sorority sister of mine sent a message seeking prayers for a friend who is fighting Bone Metastaces ("Bone Mets") that started with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. She had two recurrences and it eventually spread to her liver and bones. She blogs, Toddler Planet, as a part of a community called "Mothers with Cancer". It's a blogging community of 20 or so women. I have been reading these posts for good and bad since the kids went to bed. The good is knowing that many women who are diagnosed with cancer as young moms have done well fighting the fight and still manage to raise wonderful, intelligent and caring children. The bad is reading about all the women who lost their fight and left behind young families. I guess I shouldn't be reading these right now but it's like watching a train wreck. I just can't stop myself. Ugh.

Anyway, here is a post from one of the women who passed away. She blogs a final letter just before she passed away. It is unbelievably beautiful in its honesty.  I agree with her on many fronts.  She left behind 6 children. She lived for only a year after diagnosis... :-(

     My last blog

If you are reading this, it means I have passed. I decided to put some final thoughts together in the hope that it will be of comfort to my friends and family. But also to those of you I never met but who felt a connection to me through this blog.
Blog. I hate that word. It is so silly and trivial. I thought of this as an online journal. One designed to keep my loved ones aware of what was happening to me. I wrote as honestly as I was able. I have looked at many older entries and realized that my feelings about death, dying, and cancer changed as I grew more sick. While I never feared death I often feared treatment.
Cancer treatment is hard. Really hard. The chemo, scans, medications…it is physically daunting. I was willing to subject myself to it all to have even a little more time with my husband, children, and loved ones. It was worth it. I would say that I packed a lot of living into that year while I was dying. I was still me. I was still engaged with my friends. I still was able to love and be here for all of them when they needed me. I still changed diapers and played games. Kelly and I fought like a married couple and loved like one too.
I learned a lot over the year that I battled this dreaded disease. I learned that it is not in our best interest to hold out expectations to God. He is not Santa Clause. He does what is right and good. This was my path. My journey in this world was difficult and painful but important in my spiritual growth. I learned that we have to be happy despite our circumstances. We can’t say I will be happy when…. No sweeties be happy now because today is all you have.
I learned that all the small stuff is very small and not worth your time and attention. Gossip and resentments,worrying about things that never happen, fearing the unknown. Let it go my lovelies, breath and just be good to each other. I realized not long after my diagnosis that life is too short to spend it hurting people and holding onto the anger we have for those around us. I am no doormat, but I just let go of all that hard core resentment. God forgives us through the blood of His Son. He forgives those who hurt us as well.
I am sure that some of you are profoundly saddened by my passing. Death is far more about the living than the dead. But I believe in my whole heart that this is what was meant to be for us all. My friends rallied around us and supported us in every way imaginable. What an incredible gift. That was a lesson in selflessness for them. And in acceptance for my family. My children have many wonderful people to rely on. Their father, step father, grandparents, and friends. I have no doubt that they will be devastated. But in time these wounds will heal and reveal themselves to be battle scars that serve as a testimony to their inner fortitude. My children will move mountains.
Kelly wants to keep the journey going. He intends to chronicle about their lives without me. About the loss and the recovery from tragedy. Maybe you will all be as uplifted and comforted by his words as well. My children will write too, sharing their experience. Thank you all for participating in my life. For providing sweet words of encouragement and prayer. I pray that none of you will ever get cancer, it sucks. But if you do or someone you love does I pray some of my words are a comfort to you all. Have a wonderful life. I will have a wonderful afterlife.
Andrea Collins Smith

Almost there!

They are radiating the shit out of my skin. I am using - Aquaphor every night slathered all over, aloe vera gel, aloe vera plant (this is the best), calendula gel, and 2.5% prescription hydrocortisone.  The doctors and the technicians are all amazed by my how "well" my skin is holding up (even though I feel its pretty gnarly).  It's now pretty red and sunburned though...they say to keep doing what I'm doing because it is working (otherwise I would have been really burned early on).  Oh that and my green smoothie every morning with Glutamine and Mangosteen...

Agi was back as of Tuesday, phew.

Still feeling the three T's - toasty, tired and tight.

Monday is my last day of radiation and it can't come soon enough.  I just want to put this behind me and start to feel better.  I've decided I am STILL going to do the Avon Walk in Santa Barbara.  It will give me something to train for and I always do better when I train for something.

I'm waiting to hear from Dr. McAndrew if I have to continue with the Xeloda after I stop radiation...if I get to stop that will help me get better so much faster.  My blood has taken a beating and it needs to heal too.

Harry Potter this weekend if I rest enough first.

Abby and Leo are delicious.  Abby is loving her Bee Planet drop off program.  She actually WANTED to go this week and after I dropped her off she gave me a kiss and said "bye Mommy"!!!  Made me sad because I know she's growing up.  So I went home and snuggled with my big boy Leo.  Oh, he is just the most yummy, kissable, squeezable, happy, mellow baby.  I love them both.

In the trenches...

I feel so bad for my poor mom.  Poor Lady. She is really in the trenches with me.  On Tuesday my nanny Agi left to go for her usual hike up Westridge.  Dun dun duh... 10pm that night I got a text from her that she sprained her ankle and couldn't walk on it.  Of course I was concerned for her but...geeeeez, I was also concerned for us.  What the hell were we going to do?  My mother in law is recovering from hernia surgery. Agi is down for the count. David was traveling. Thankfully Jessica, our new fabulous college student babysitter came the next day for a few hours but that was it. This week was just me and my mom.  We ordered out every night.  There is NO food in this house and grocery shopping isn't high on the list right now... I really feel like we are fighting a war and all the reserves have been called back.  No ground support. No heavy artillery. Just me and my mom muddy in the trenches without ammunition waiting for reinforcements...

All in all, this week was VERY difficult.  I already have NO energy. Zilch. Zip. Nada.  I am pulling from every fiber within my body to drive myself to stupid radiation and then drive home to be with either Abby or Leo (he's much easier to deal with considering my energy level) for the remainder of the day.  Mainly I put Leo in the bouncer and I lay on the couch and look at him. Or I put TV on for Abby and lay down with her.  It's "resting" per se but not the true kind of rest I need.  I try my very hardest to stay awake.  If Leo napped then I tried to sleep but newborn naps aren't predictable so usually what happens is just as I get to sleep he'd wake up.  Abby is the better napper but Tuesday after Bee Planet she decided she wasn't going to take a nap.  She screamed at me for like a half hour and I gave up.  Thankfully David flew home and was able to take us the the Country Mart for dinner and then put her to bed.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  My skin is really sunburned and tight.  There is dimpling now around the expander.  Or rather, the skin is so tight it is revealing the exact form of the expander.  That's kind of depressing. I hope it doesn't stay like that.  Dr. Hayden assures me it won't but who knows.  I know that it isn't what is important.  Living. Breathing. Being. Those are the things that are important.

Thank you for all of your messages. Please be assured that I read your facebook messages, emails, texts, and blog comments.  They mean so much to me.  Wish you could all be here to take care of these kids so I could sleep. Or cook us some food. Or go grocery shopping for me.  I'm so damn tired.

Anyway, I just confirmed with the radiation technicians that my last day of radiation is Monday, July 25th.  I just completed 27 of 28 of the "normal" sessions.  Then 5 of the "boost"...that's when they really fry, er I mean, target your skin.  She also told me that the radiation keeps "working" for 2 weeks after I stop the sessions.  So the skin will keep reacting for 2 weeks afterwards.  Shit. Shit. and Shit.

Almost done.  Almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And Agi is coming back to work this Tuesday.  Hallelujah.

Oh, and I also hear that it may take me a year to fully recover to my old self.  Actually, what I will recover to is a NEW normal since I will be on lupron and tamoxifen for the next five years.  What fun for me!!!  Aren't you jealous? I get to suppress estrogen and ablate my ovaries for five years. But that is the next goal.  I need to make it five years to be out of the woods.

Here is the mediation that is taped to my bathroom mirror that I say every night and morning when I brush my teeth.  (DAVID - I don't want any snide comments!).  If I had time and energy I would do it the way that it is recommended but instead I just READ it when I brush my teeth or wash my face.  The only one I can remember when falling asleep is the metta mediation (the loving kindness mediation). Anyway, I leave this for you to explore for yourself.  Good night!!

Healing Ourselves

This meditation can help us discover an underlying cause for an ailment and/or begin to release and heal it.

Sit or lie down breathe, and relax deeply.  Starting with your toes, feet, legs, pelvis and so on, put your attention on each part of your body in turn and tell it to relax and let go of any tension.  Feel all tension dissolving and draining away.  If you wish to, do the meditation on opening the energy centers in order to get your energy really flowing.

Now imagine golden, healing light energy all around your body… feel it…sense it…enjoy it.

If there is a particular part of your body that has been ill or is in pain, ask that part of you whether it has a message for you.  Ask whether there is something you need to understand or to do, right at this moment or in your life in general.  Remain quiet for a few minutes and notice if any words, images, or feelings come to you in response to these questions.

If you get an answer, do your best to understand and follow it.  If you don’t get an answer, just continue with the process.  The answer may come to you later, perhaps in a different form than you expect.

Now send special loving, healing energy to that part of you, and any part of you that needs it, and see or feel it being healed.  You may want to have your guide, or any master or healer, there to help you do the healing.

Picture the problem dissolving and flowing energy away, or whatever image works for you.

Now imagine yourself in natural, perfect health.  Think of yourself in different situations feeling well, active, and healthy.  Imagine nurturing and caring for yourself so you stay healthy.

l

Affirmations

I am loving and healing myself on all levels – spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.

I honor and respect my body.

I listen to my body’s messages.

I am learning to take good care of myself.

I love and accept my body completely.

I am good to my body, and my body is good to me.

I deserve to be healthy and feel good.

My body is balanced, in perfect harmony with the earth and the universe.

I give thanks for ever-increasing health, beauty and vitality.

It’s natural to feel good.

l

From now on, each time you do this meditation, picture yourself in perfect health, with golden healing light around you.

Wrote a song 'bout it...

Remember that show In Living Color?  I loved that show.  There was this act where this guy, Calhoun Tubbs, would sing the blues, he'd talk then say..."wrote a song 'bout it and it went a little something like this...ah ha haaaah."  Just a random thought I had to make you smile if you remember it. I found the video on youtube so enjoy..."I've been a success at being a failure...for over 75 years...ah haaa haaah. Thank you very much!"

So I'm tired....and I wrote a song 'bout it. Like to hear it go! I was joking with my mom and said I figured out the best song to explain how I feel.  There's a song by Sublime called "Two joints" (probably a remake).  The song is about a pothead who smokes two joints in the morning. He smokes two joints at night. He smokes two joints in the afternoon, they make him feel alright. He smokes two joints before he smokes two joints and then he smokes two more. You get the idea. Anyway, replace the smoking with naps and that's my song.  I take two naps in the morning, I take two naps at night. I take two naps in the afternoon, they make me feel alright. I take two naps before I take two naps, and then I take two more.  Anyway, I'm punch drunk tired and I laugh at really ridiculous things.  So maybe that's not too funny but it is when you are delirious.

I also laughed because on the way to radiation the other morning these are the two songs I heard - Rick James' "Give it to me Baby" (lyric "I'll betcha I'll make you holler till you've had enough") and Nelly's "It's Getting Hot in Here" (lyric "so take off all your clothes").  These are very inappropriate songs but totally appropriate for radiation. Right??!?

I've started reading the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and watched the Louise Hay DVD about how "You Can Heal Your Life".  I really like both of them.  They are both helping me.  I now need to read her book after I finish Rabbi Kusner's book.

I want to talk about forgiveness.  It's important to have an open heart.  I love Oprah's quote on forgiveness. She says that "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed"... These are the things that I am working on.  Moving forward. Letting go. Forgiving myself. Forgiving other people.  Looking with hope to the future but staying very grounded in the present. BE PRESENT.

I wouldn't say that I've repaired the relationship with my father but I will say that I have let go of the hope that the past could be changed.  I have forgiven him for things that cannot be undone.  We haven't talked about the past but I'm not sure its important to, is it?  Is it important to acknowledge that things weren't great at times and emotions were hurt or is it better to move forward and start anew?  Isn't that forgiveness?  Not to dwell idly in the past.  What good is that?  The past is gone. The past is history.  The only thing we can control is the present. I don't think its prudent in any way to voice the anger I have about things in the past (except to my therapist maybe, then move on).  I'm sure he knows that he hurt me in many ways.  Why remind him of that?  Do I need an apology?  The only apology I needed was HIM making the effort to be in my life and my children's lives.  Small steps.  He made that effort.  He sought out to be a part of our lives. I honor that. I honor that intention.  Now there are no negative thoughts or angst towards him.  He's had several visits with the kids and they were lovely.  No expectations either.  I suppose I'm just letting things unfold and play out how they may.

I'm only thinking positive these days (*this is very hard to do but I say affirmations which help).  If there is anything negative I remove it from my life.  I don't have the energy to deal with any external pressures.  I loved hearing from so many of you after my last post. It really made me feel loved and helped me regroup for this battle.  I'm fighting the fight people!!!!

Oy. I mean it. Oy.

For those of you that are still out there and read my blog I really appreciate you!  I've had several people randomly tell me that they've been reading my blog and I am sincerely touched by that.  I hope that I am helping people with this blog or at least I hope I'm entertaining.  It does help to hear from you. Lately I've felt like screaming out "I'm sick, not DEAD!" many times because it gets very lonely and isolating. I've talked about that in the past but I think many people shy away from someone who's battling cancer or any type of major illness because they don't know what is appropriate.  I'm telling you right now I was in that same boat before I got sick.  Until you go through this or someone very close to you goes through this you can't fully comprehend how challenging it can be to fight this fight.

When I was first diagnosed someone told me to expect a year of hell.  It is turning out to be the most true advice.  It seems like it will be a year to the day that I will be in the hard core treatment phase (radiation finishes end of the month and then eight plus weeks after that I will have the final reconstruction surgery). My treatment plan seems like it is progressing, that's true to an extent, but it is also cumulative in it's progression.  In the beginning it was chaotic and I was busy trying to navigate through uncharted waters. I was a cancer neophyte trying to understand what I needed to do and what was happening to me.  It was akin to drinking water straight from a fire hydrant. It all started with a huge blast but now the water hose is attached so it "appears" more manageable.  It was the same with the support I received, tons of people poured in their help at the start but now it trickles in... I don't say that for you to feel sorry for me, I say that because I want you to understand what happens over time.  Radiation is hard but it's harder to see. Chemo is hard too but the fact that you lose your hair makes it easy for people to see how toxic the treatment is.  When people see my hair growing out and me looking more "healthy" they must think radiation is easier...but it's really not. All of this is cumulative.  It keeps building and building.

I'm sure part of the problem of feeling lonely is that I don't like asking for help, I've never been great about that. I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I've always done everything myself. To a fault. Currently though, the reason I don't ask now is twofold: 1) this has been going on for quite some time and I feel like I've exhausted people, resources and hospitality and 2) I don't know how people can help me really either.  What can someone do for me when all I want to do is sleep all day but can't since I've got two little kids?  Instead I end up exhausting the core group around me - David, my mom, my mother in law, my nanny, and our housekeeper.  We are all exhausted. Whew. I do not know how I can remedy that.  Any helpful ideas?

So what is appropriate or what have I enjoyed the most that makes my days brighter?  Check in with the person.  Even if it is just a text or an email that says, "hey, I thought of you today" or "hey look at this picture of my kid, isn't he funny" or "hope you're having a good day today" or even just "XO"...you get the idea.  I certainly don't expect people to invite me to dinners or parties or trips or anything like that (even though it is nice to be thought of even if I can't, yes, like I said, I'm sick NOT dead!!") because the energy required for me to do anything like that just isn't available right now but I love to know that someone is still thinking of me so I don't feel so "out of sight, out of mind".  Anyone, even if they are not sick, likes to know that someone is thinking of them.  Am I right?

I'll get off my SOAPBOX now...

The kids are doing great.  Leo is so delicious.  I mean it. I want to bite his big, fat thighs. Abby is delightful and is growing up so fast. It makes me proud and sad at the same time. She started her first "drop off" program this past Tuesday at Bee Planet.  She's done so well with it. Gosh, school for her is going to be here before I know it. Even her face is not looking so much like a baby anymore. She's becoming a little girl.  She's still precocious as ever but I appreciate her curiosity. She's talking in these really long sentences and it makes me laugh out loud (even when she's doing something naughty which makes disciplining more difficult to do while trying to keep a straight face).  They both make my days so bright.

As for me...radiation is really kicking my ass.  This is so much worse for me than Chemo.  Chemo is definitely more toxic to your whole body but let's now forget that I have to take that stupid 5-FU low dose chemo pill during radiation too which is like a double whammy.  I am so tired.  More tired than I've ever felt.  As if I haven't slept in days; as if it's just not possible to "catch up" on my sleep.  I try so hard to rest but I have so much to do now AND I don't have the second nanny.  I know that may sound ridiculous to many of you but I try to make sure my mom and mother in law aren't taxed out so I try to make sure they get chunks of hours away from all this chaos to clear their heads.  That way they can come back somewhat refreshed and ready to help some more.  Anyway, I am trying to manage - daily radiation, rest, activities with Abby (aka glue baby), rest, physical therapy, rest, doctor appointments, rest, sneaking in time for Leo, rest, eating, grocery shopping, rest, cooking dinner, all while driving all across town with very heavy eyelids. Life just sucks right now.  Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

As an example, here was my day today:

• 7:45 radiation (try to rest when I'm on the table; had to wait today but usually I am the first patient of the day so I get it over with)
• 8:15 done, stopped at UPS store to mail something, drove through car wash to kill time before PT, ran into Bill Harmsen, who always gives me a big hug (he's 6'8" or something!)
• 9:00 physical therapy (try to rest when they are working out the lymph cording in my arm, side effect of the surgery, I almost have full range of motion in my left arm though now!)
• 10:00 race home to be with Abby before Bee Planet drop off.  So tired at this point I am literally just laying on my mom's bed with eyes closed while Abby plays with a toy and asks me questions I can barely answer; then we get a delivery for party rentals because David is having a work party here at 5:30; my mom and I help get that situated...)
• 11:00 drive Abby to Bee Planet in Temescal Canyon for drop off.  I want to be the one to do this until I know she is truly comfortable with the process. (stay till 11:40 talking to Miss Laura, whom we love, love, love - Flaky people who drop out of class last minute we do not, I am seriously bummed if she has to cancel the Tuesday class)
• 11:50 Dr. Hayden's office to see Dr. Kao since there is some weird skin reaction near my incision site from the radiation; 45 minutes later I learn it is from post-inflammatory hyper-pigmentation and I need some special cream that no one in Los Angeles has since it is on back order...great)
• 12:30ish Pick up Kale salads with Tempeh from Veggie Grill. Sit with eyes closed waiting for food. Realized the day was almost half way over and I had been running around without my breast prosthesis so I just kept my purse covering my larger breast.  Who cares really. I have a hair cut like a boy, I'm not wearing make up and I have picasso boobs in public.  Big deal. 
• 1:00ish Get home and am so tired can't decide if I should sleep in the car or go inside and eat. Leo's up having his bottle and greets me with a HUGE smile. Ahhhhhh, who said I was tired again?  Play with Leo for a little bit then go upstairs to eat. 
• 2:00 leave to go pick up Abby.  My mom, with Agi and Leo in tow, is in the car to go get her and I come racing down the stairs because I want to be the one to pick her up.  I know I can be controlling about things but I really want her to understand that I said I would be back and then I came back.  So we all go.  She was really excited to see all of us.  
• 2:30 get home and I am a mess.  Abby is super tired too but since I am starting to stretch her nap she fights to take a nap....my mom finally gets her down about 3:30.  I finally get to nap then too. Oh but crap, I forgot I have an appointment with my therapist.  I am torn. I really need to talk to her but I am way to tired to drive over there and I need a nap.  I've been in such a funk I could use the mental help but opt for the nap instead.  
• Nap from 3:45ish to 5. Oh darn. Forgot about the party. I could hear things getting set up downstairs. I still look like a boy. Oops.  Get dressed and put on some make up. 
• 5:30 wake Abby up. She's a hot mess. Oscar the grouch has nothing on my daughter.
• 6:00 party starts and the caterer hasn't showed.  Thankfully it's not my party to deal with so I'm not stressing.  What stresses me out is trying to dress Abby who apparently wanted to sleep 5 more hours for her nap.  Oh well.  People are invading her house so I get it. 
• 6:00 - 9:00 try to eat, have a conversation or two all while keeping on eye on my little monkey. Boy she's in rare form when guests are here. My mom said she's being great and I guess she was but I also just wanted to sit in the corner and not move...but Abby is very, very mobile.  
• 9:00 Get Abby to bed (that is one hour past her bed time)
• Wash make up off face, brush teeth, take chemo pill, take 37,894 other pills, drink a bio-k then typed this nice little note that kept me up WAY past my bedtime.  The nap really helped though.

That's all there is. There is no more. But that's why the title is "Oy. I mean it. Oy"!!!  

Goodnight. 

Life is a Z o o...

I finally took Abby to the zoo. YAY!!! (I can get rid of that mother guilt I've put on myself for wanting to take her but not being able to as of yet).  It worked out perfectly.  They moved my radiation to 7:15 because they were having a meeting so I was done by 7:30.  Had breafkast with Abby, made my power green smoothie, my mom made our lunches, packed our crap, er I mean, gear in the car and was ready to go.  Out the door by 9:15 to arrive at the zoo promptly by 10AM when it opened.  We met my friend Leigh and her twin boys, Oliver and Noah for our special trip!!

Thanks to a good friend from high school, Thomas, we had an exciting day planned at the zoo and it was all totally comp'd; Super V I Cheese. Thomas works at the LA Zoo and had two surprises in store for all of us.  A seal feed and a giraffe feed!!!  Abby's never been before and I haven't been since I was in elementary school. This was the most amazing way to see the animals, going behind the scenes to see how the zookeepers operate. Pretty snazzy.

Abby, aka Miss Bossy Pants, during the Giraffe feeding kept telling Artemis to walk.  "Walk Giraffe, Walk!!" And so he did. What a sight. I can't wait to stay at Giraffe Manor some day. African safari we are so there!!

After the feedings we walked around the zoo. We saw the orangutans, flamingos, meerkats, and then stopped to eat lunch at the stadium steps overlooking the chimpanzees. We all really enjoyed that too.  (Mental note - I am laughing at Leigh changing Oliver's diapers on the steps...hilarious!!!)

Thank you Thomas for the most amazing day!!

Here is Abby feeding the Giraffe named Artemis, he is 19 feet tall:

Here is another of my kiss from Mira the seal, it was really cool. Literally, cool, the water they live in is 60 degrees, but it felt awesome:

And finally, here we both are telling Mira to spin, jump up, and wave bye bye. The funniest thing is in another video when Abby first saw the seal "slinking" out of the water bouncing on it's belly, she screamed with glee and said "LIZARD!"



Today was radiation number what? 18?  Oh, I 'm getting close to half way being done!  I get a break on Monday for the Fourth of July which will be very nice and very much needed.  This morning after radiation I was so sleepy driving home. I got home and went to bed and could not get out of bed for three straight hours.  I don't know if it was the zoo or radiation but it didn't matter.  What an amazing day creating memories with Abby and friends.