Feeling compelled

I subscribe to the "mothers with cancer" blog and over the long weekend there was a post I couldn't stop thinking about because it elicited such a strong response that it kept stewing inside me.  I had five minutes this morning when Abby slept in to hurry up and write a comment back...

Here is the post (with all original links) and below it my response to the author.  It's interesting. I joined the group because I wanted fresh perspective from these other women.  Instead I am finding moping, grieving, complaining type of posts with a few fun or beneficial posts thrown in.  Is this to be the reality of young women living or having survived breast cancer?  I may die tomorrow but I'm not going to spend ONE second thinking about it today.  Why waste any part of a 24 hour, or make that 18 hour period, I have each day on something I can't control?

smiling can’t cheat death (by laurie)I’m a reasonably happy person. And I believe that concentrating on the half full part of the glass has helped me to cope with many aspects of my life, including breast cancer. However, there have been times when a good wallow or a raging tantrum have been just as necessary and cathartic.
And I don’t, for even a second, think that people who worried too much, or got mad or who didn’t have a positive attitude brought cancer or their own deaths upon themselves. Nor do I believe that temperament or attitude is what causes one person to go into remission and another to succumb to the illness. I find the belief system that blames the patient to be repugnant.
In many ways, cancer is a crap shoot. It helps to have excellent medical care, good nutrition and the resources that help you cope with the disease and the treatments’ side effects. But luck plays a big role in survival as well.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, and so it appears have other women. Yesterday, I stumbled on a great post at Uneasy Pink, by Katie, who, in turn, pointed the way to Coco, guest-posting at Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer. These women really tell it like it is.
Last week, Canada lost Jack Layton, a leader who was, by all accounts active, optimistic and happy. And we lost him way too young. Many media reports used the common phrase “lost his battle with cancer.” Jack didn’t lose a battle – there was no failure on his part – he got cancer and died. No amount of positive thinking could have changed that.

(Shout out to my friend Sharon, who first used the phrase “tyranny of positive thinking” in my presence. She has kindred spirits out there, too).

My comment:

Jessica Berman says:  I agree that dying from cancer can be a complete crap shoot. I agree that stifling negative emotions is hurtful – that as they come up you MUST feel them to work them out. Suppressing emotions is exactly what the “new age” followers say causes dis-ease. You are actually agreeing with the Louise Hays of the world without acknowledging it. What I don’t agree with in your post is saying that a positive attitude isn’t important. It is extremely important. I found the other two links of the blog posts a bit extreme. I agree that these “support” groups that don’t allow honest, raw emotions are in fact NOT supportive or even remotely helpful (they are in fact causing even more dis-ease by not allowing their members to discuss their true feelings). Perhaps I am naive since I was diagnosed only a year ago while six months pregnant with my second child or because I have only been NED for 5 months….but I do whole-heartedly feel that breast cancer woke me up to life and to living. And believe me I was a pretty happy person before diagnosis..or so I thought. My diagnosis made me face my own mortality. It made me face deep dark demons, find out my true friends and support network, stop living a life of obligation, resentment, strife and to learn to forgive and move on; it helped me separate the wheat from the chaff, to seek out only those things that give me pleasure and make me happy because life is too short. Life is too precious. A positive attitude has helped me live my days in the POSITIVE…so rather than thinking “Damn it, I have to take those stupid Xeloda chemo pills again” — I have shifted to “I am going to take these amazing pills that will help save my life and be thankful that this medicine is available to me”… YES, I deal with cancer on a daily basis, my life is forever changed since my diagnosis. Sometimes I just look at my husband or myself in the mirror and say “well, this SUCKS” but then as soon as the words leave my lips I feel better for acknowledging that ugly feeling and quickly move on to thinking that my life could be a lot worse…It could be a life that was taken tragically in an accident or natural disaster as I watch the humbling morning news. But I don’t mourn the life I had before in the “old” normal..instead I am embracing this new normal because I am so very thankful to be here, to see my kids grow and thrive, to see my body miraculously dealing with all the drugs I am taking and still allow me to feel great. I truly feel that living life with a positive attitude, regardless of the length of your life, will allow you to live a more fulfilled life. It’s not the years in your life but the life in your years, right? I’d much rather be thinking and feeling positive in my time left on earth than wallowing in fear, self-doubt, anger or resentment in the time I have left. Life is precious so I am living it in the present moment and enjoying the NOW. Being present AND POSITIVE in each and every moment as much as possible…

Friends, I hope you are finding uplifting moments in each day and if you have strife I hope that having a positive attitude gives you the grace to face any challenge.

All my love,
Jess