Bleh

I don't like Mother's day. Holidays are for when you are well and have energy to spoil yourself and others. And with Holidays come expectations and I always (pessimistically) felt that if you have expectations you'll just be let down. I know how apathetic that sounds. It's like my birthday, the day is usually a let down. Anyway, I don't have a lot of energy to do things (for myself or others, I used to be so awesome in that department when I had my wits about me). Because of what is going on I do have a lot of guilt which I know I am not supposed to but I can't help it. It's a bad cycle. My poor mom and mother-in-law are over here taking care of the babies and I can't help. It really frustrates me. I wish I could honor them and let them know how much I appreciate them and everything they are doing. But what can I do? They look so tired.  Abby is precocious and Leo is a 21 pound sack of potatoes and everyone who is taking care of him is hurting their back.  I feel like when I say "thank you" the words fall flat and don't seem to be enough.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  From the bottom of my heart I appreciate all that you do.  Mom's and Grandma's are the best.

The one thing I will say that made me happy today is that I used my good arm to hold the baby for about one minute and Abby for another minute later in the day.  I keep thinking how much I cannot wait to be able to hold them and squeeze them against my chest and give them proper hugs.  Hugs that only a mommy can give you.  My mom gives me those.  She always tells me "I can't get you anything" but what she gives me is so much better than any thing you could ever possibly buy. In fact it isn't anything you could buy. She loves me and she takes care of me like only she can.  She does her very best and for that I am so thankful.  I wouldn't be who I am without her. I couldn't be healing myself without her. Mom, I love you and all that you do. Thank you for being here 24/7 to take care of me. I am so happy to have the relationship with you that I do now.  I know we've had to work on that and we've had our ups and downs but you are the most beautiful person inside and out and I'm lucky to have you as my mom.  Next Mother's day we'll get back to our normal Mother's day breakfasts with you and Grandma and Lindsey (and now Abby) for the usual Hoff's Hut brunch.  Bleh...(about the food) but I'll be smiling with glee for sure that we are all together.  XOXOXOXOXO