Doing fine

I've been too busy (in a good way) to post and that is a good thing. It's spring break!! I'm a girl gone wild!! Woo hoo...

I just returned from an amazing 10 day trip to Hawaii for Spring Break, and I swam, ran, yoga'd,  played with the kids every day. Unfortunately on the evening of the second to last day I went for a run (hard core by my standards and was running full force like some kind of athlete, I may have been influenced by the lava man triathlon the previous day but I digress) and fell, twisting and spraining my ankle and getting some nasty cuts in the process. I was running on a back street of the hotel property and just lost my footing, I think on some finely ground lava rocks. The next day was David's birthday celebration and I wanted to do all kinds of things for that but there went those plans, along with plans to swim in the ocean one or two more times before we left. Bummer, dude.

 

After I woke up from a nap on the fourth day or our trip I checked my phone and saw a flurry of activity in a message board I was tagged in. My friend and fellow Stage IV cancer warrior Martha Mata died. She had an exploratory surgery for a biopsy that Friday but I had heard she got through it. I was shocked and rattled to hear such bad news. I wanted (and selfishly needed) for her to be okay and get through her treatments. I know how hard she yearned for things to be back to normal for her. She was a year younger than me in school but we really knew each other through our conversations as adults and as cancer survivors. Her death is so tragic. It really struck me hard. I know how much she enjoyed First Descents and going on adventures. For those of you who don't know, I am pretty petrified of the ocean. It feels like a monstrous beast that you don't mess with. I made sure to do things that she liked to do. I stand up paddle boarded, dove into the ocean, body surfed waves (one of which Abby saw me get go under and she flipped out but I came right back up with a thumbs up), ran, walked, enjoyed the sunsets, the wind, the water, the air and all because she no longer can. I tried talking to her while I did these things. I asked her when I was floating on the ocean if it was easier for her now. My heart told me that she was at peace. I decided to take my anger and grief and fuel it into an appreciation for my own life and my own fight. To keep fighting in her name. Fuck you cancer.  Fuck you for robbing Martha of life during her prime years. She fought you bravely with her whole heart. You are a conniving, ugly, manipulative, horrible, and heartless disease. We are going to figure out how to beat you.

Have you read this? Anti-CD47 cancer therapy clinical trials

I started fasting the last day, our travel day which made it easier since there isn't anything remotely healthy to eat at airports or on the airplane so I had nuts, tea and water all day. It sure was hard to wake up with the time change, losing three hours of sleep, but woke up and drove myself to chemo. Back to reality. Everything was fine. I was very worried my counts would be down since I exercised like a mad person and did have two nights of wine drinking and dessert eating. I indulged, it's vacation! The rest of the time was fish, salads, fruits, rice, no gluten, etc. OKAY?! (I'm really telling myself that). My blood counts were good. Up from two weeks ago. They took tumor markers again but at this point I am just not that interested. They go up and they go down. I'm focusing on what the scans say. I did the cold caps, drank tea, water and some soup. Biggest let down was that I was due for my two injections. Big f'ing bummer, dude. They really knock me out. Lupron and Xgeva. I save them for the end when I'm not hooked up or freezing my scalp to get the two gnarly pricks. Then I drove home to the kiddos! The following days over the weekend I spent recovering from the ankle issue, chemo issue, and injections.

My good friend Daniel forwarded some very relevant articles to me over the break. This was one of the trials I was looking to get into BUT I'm not actually post-menopausal so I didn't qualify. Forced chemical menopause is not the same.... These new trials are being managed by Dr. Dennis Slamon at UCLA (among others) who I had talked to at my initial diagnosis. He and his team are the researchers who developed Herceptin for Her2 positive types of tumors...nonetheless these new trials are important and interesting to me because they target estrogen receptor positive, her2 negative types of tumors.

Pfizer breast cancer drug results impressive

Breast Cancer drug shows groundbreaking results

Pfizer drug double time to breast cancer tumor growth in trial

Oh yeah, coming up on Thursday I have my consultation with Dr. Mark Friedman regarding the Radioembolization. I haven't started researching this yet. Not sure I should. He plans to walk me through the outpatient procedures (with an S) at the first appointment. Here is one interesting article about the procedure, if it in fact is one in the same: Y-90 Radioembalization

Enough cancer talk. I loved this mug I used while in Hawaii. It took everything within me not to pack it into my suitcase. I need to remember this on a daily basis. No matter what life throws your way, you can take some deep breaths and work to find peace in your heart and mind. I am thankful to my husband and family for being able to take such an amazing vacation. To have time away from reality. To have time to heal and relax and recenter.

Lately I've been listening to audible books for my book clubs, the first was The Flamethrowers by Rachel Kushner (good but not my favorite),  next was We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Fowler (very well done) and my favorite was A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. I loved this book. It had me laughing, crying and engrossed until the end. I am loving all these books because they let me escape to different lives, periods, and places. Books are the most wonderful form of distraction. I am especially becoming addicted to the audio books. And anything else portable which leads me to my next point....

I am really loving (and yes, laugh if you will since I am very behind the times of all you techno-savvy peeps) are the TED talks. There's an iphone and ipad app and you can watch or listen (depending on how much memory you want to use) to the talks while on the go. There are two that my therapist recommended I watch, both by Dr. Brene Brown. Please look them up -  the first is on VULNERABILITY and the second is on SHAME. They are only about 20 minutes or less each and they are pretty powerful. Another one I enjoyed was by a comedian with cerebral palsy. We all have our own struggles and paths, it's all about the journey, right?

I am worthy of LOVE and BELONGING.

I have the courage to be IMPERFECT.

I have the COMPASSION to be kind to myself first and then to others.

I fully embrace VULNERABILITY.

I let myself be SEEN and be HEARD.

I LOVE with my whole heart.

I STRUGGLE.

I am UNCERTAIN.

I practice GRATITUDE and lean into JOY.

I AM ENOUGH.

I AM ENOUGH.

I AM ENOUGH.

I AM ENOUGH.

I AM ENOUGH.

Why does typing that last sentence make me cry and shrink down? Three little words that are so powerful. Each day I am learning to embrace that concept. I am enough. I am strong. I am healthy. I am happy. I am at ease. I am peace.

May you be well.
XOXO