The Battle We Didn't Choose

You want to know what living with stage 4 cancer is like and I just can't explain it. Today is David and my nine year wedding anniversary and you know how I feel? Defeated. More and more the thoughts are creeping in that this is too hard. It's not going to get better. I sometimes want to give up. I can see how people must get so exhausted and in so much pain that they are just "ready" to let go. I'm not just feeling down. I've felt this way for a while but I've been way to chicken shit to say it or write it. I'm fucking scared. I can't keep going the way I am going. Some days even when things are rough I have this glimmer of hope that things will get better, that there will be some miraculous cure found. That I just have to stay the course so that this miracle cure will come and make everything okay. But I see how each day my body takes a beating and it gets harder to recover. I see the scars, the side effects, the strain, and the hurt from this battle that I didn't choose. Some days I feel that since I know my time is limited and I'm going to die then I want to go out swinging. I often tell my mom and those that really know and understand what I am going through that "I can sleep when I'm dead". It's just that the death part might come faster if I continue to burn the candle at both ends.

The past two days have been difficult with the kids. They want me a lot, they want more of me than I can give. I feel guilt at every moment. Not a good enough mom. Not a good enough wife. I'm not able to manage the house, the cooking, the shopping, the making of anything small or big. We have a huge staff of people that now work for us. A live-in housekeeper, a vegan chef twice a week, a nanny, an errand assistant once a week plus the perks of pressed juice delivery twice a week and coconut and almond milk once a week. I go to acupuncture once a week. I do yoga at home with an instructor. I am privileged to live this lifestyle afforded to me by my amazing husband. I shared my guilt and emotions with my therapist and she said that all these people who say "everything happens for a reason" are full of crap. These things just happen. Bad things just happen. I didn't chose to have this happen to me. We didn't choose to have this happen to our family. It makes me sick to my stomach to watch day in and day out how this is effecting the people I love and care most for in this world.

This morning before I left for a kindergarten tour (one of the many things stressing me the fuck out - the kindergarten application process) my nanny texted me that she had a family emergency. I would feel more sympathetic except that each week there is something. I looked at her time cards and there hasn't been two straight weeks of work since she started working for us full time that something hasn't happened. Her kid is sick, she's sick, her car broke down, her mom has a legal issue, her sister has an emergency, etc. etc. She also just tried to get away with as much as she could and push limits; her hours were 11-8 but she couldn't figure out how to get here at 11 so if she was late one day she would show up early the next to "make up" her hours so her pay check was in tact. Stuff like that. Stuff that made me cringe. I would never, ever in my professional life do things like that. These things would cause stress and make me upset which just exacerbates the situation. Needless to say I didn't have enough help today since she didn't show up. And on the day when I'm feeling so exhausted that every moment I get I rest my eyes and put my head down. Is it unrealistic to think that someone could approach a job in someone's home like a professional? To be dependable and reliable? To be in the present moment at your job so that when you are supposed to buy lemons at the store you don't buy limes?  Anyway, enough of that. I know what I need to do about that situation and it isn't going to be easy but I will take care of it.

As I was feeling down and out I saw an article flash across my email from unworthy.com. "A Husband Took These Photos Of His Wife And Captured Love And Loss Beautifully" Reporter Rossalyn Warren writes: "When I saw these incredible photos Angelo Merendino took of his wife, Jennifer, as she battled breast cancer, I felt that I shouldn't be seeing this snapshot of their intimate, private lives. The photos humanize the face of cancer and capture the difficulty, fear, and pain that they experienced during the difficult times. But as Angelo commented: 'These photographs do not define us, but they are us.'"  Holy crap. It really made me feel like it was meant for me to see this. On this day, on our wedding anniversary, to know that it isn't just us going through this terrible ordeal. It also made me see how devastating this battle is on the "co-survivors" like my husband David. I so wish I could make this better for him. I so wish I could make this better for my children. Not just for me. We are all in this together. Happy Anniversary to the most loving, dedicated, and amazing husband a girl could ask and wish for. David, you are my rock and I love you more than you could ever know.  I want you to know that I LOVE YOU. That I APPRECIATE YOU. That I RESPECT YOU. We have a promise to be married for sixty years. We are at year nine. I pray that the other 51 are full of continued health, love, laughter, happiness, cuddles and giggles.

I love you Poopy-doop.
XOXO
Poops

 

In other health updates: fatigue and only one mouth sore on the 5mg. Philomena wants me to bump the dosage up to 7.5. I'm not sure when but probably when I return from our anniversary trip to Australia. Our first trip away from the kids of this length and this distance. I'm very nervous but also very excited too.