I've been thinking a lot about my grandfather. I know that he never went to the doctor. Even when something was bothering him. My grandma says that the last time he went to the doctor was about 23 years ago when he had a tumor the size of an egg growing under his arm. She said that since that time he never wanted to go back. What really troubles me is that even though he smoked practically his whole life, it wasn't severe emphysema that killed him. It was a toothache that led to infection that led to dehydration that led to kidney failure that led to three acute strokes. That stage of events may not be completely accurate but that is what the doctors were estimating. The part that upsets me is that it is possible that he could have prevented his demise. The other part that really, truly troubles me is that my grandpa probably wouldn't have gone through cancer treatment like I did. He would have found out far too late. Or if they caught something early (on the off chance he went to the doctor) would he have elected to go through treatment in any form? Chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries? I wonder what he thought of everything I went through. My grandpa was a man of few words, he rarely held a lengthy conversation. I just remember talking and him listening. When I'd get a laugh or a chuckle I always felt great since other than that it was mostly yes and no answers.
What a different perspective. There are many who choose not to seek treatment. For me that just wasn't an option. After seeing what our friend Heidi went through after electing not to receive traditional treatment and then deciding, too late, to try after the natural methods didn't work, I knew I wouldn't take that risk. I had a daughter and I had a son on the way. I am so thankful for that. I haven't lived enough of my life yet. I wanted, no, NEEDED to be here for my family. There was no other option. People tell me I am so strong. That I don't look like someone who was or is going through treatment. It's as if no one believes me when I tell them now. But I know. I know that I went through hell and back to be here. I'm just starting to allow myself to think about everything that I've been through. All the prodding, poking, cutting, beaming, injecting, reacting...ugh. When you go through something traumatic you cope. It's not until after it's done that you can reflect back.
All that being said, I am still going through treatment. I am on anti-estrogen therapy. I have one more surgery to go. I have side effects from medications. I am recuperating from surgery. I am healing myself on all levels, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Keep on truckin', right?
Boy I wish there was a magic pill for energy. Well maybe there is but I don't want to take it. I need natural energy that comes from being healthy. Being a mom to two kids is challenging. I can't imagine three or more. I feel that with each child you birth, the care and work becomes exponentially hard. I was driving earlier today and saw a child running down the block with the mother following close by; as I drove my I saw she was pregnant and my heart skipped a beat. Then I realized I was holding my breath. Or I'll see a mom of two with a third on the way and my throat tightens up and I tense up with anxiety. I have no idea why that is but I think it is because I know that the second child is the "game changer". Moms with older kids tell me all the time that they remember how hard "this time" was but that we'll get through it. I know we will too.
All that being said, to be a "great" mom requires a "great" amount of energy. Parenting seems to follow the rule - what you put out is what you receive in return (hopefully). I, like all parents, want my kids to be their best and have the best opportunities available. I want them healthy, strong, smart, gorgeous and well-behaved. This is my priority so this is ALL I am spending my time on. I don't really have time for acupuncture, excess doctor visits, massage, a social life, etc. I'm taking Leo to physical therapy two times a week, both of them to swim lessons Monday-Friday for the next month, Abby to school and gymnastics, and Leo to babygroup. It's a lot to schedule.
After my follow-up visit with Dr. Hayden, my right breast looks amazing but my left (the reconstructed breast) still needs more help. The radiation really tightened and hardened the tissue. I have no breast tissue or fat except for the fat that she transferred after the last surgery. It looks and feels ten times better than the expander (thank G-d) but it still needs some finessing. Dr. Hayden reminds me that perfection doesn't happen in a day. I need to be patient. I know I am in excellent hands, she is beyond a perfectionist but at this point I'm anything but patient and I'm wishing she'd be more of an 80/20 surgeon. You know, good enough for who it's for; or 80% perfection and 20% just get it done. She plans to take more fat to make it smoother so there aren't any wrinkles, use more fat for nipple reconstruction and then give me a nipple tattoo. There's still more to come.
To make matters worse, because radiation left the skin on my left breast so tight Dr. Hayden wants me to wear the BRAVA system (which works the opposite of the expander - it creates room for implant, fat grafting, etc. by creating negative pressure and literally using suction to expand the tissue outward). I thought "no problem" I could wear that. Many women who are flat chested have even had success wearing the domes to expand their natural tissue up a cup size or two. Well....I met with Zamora, Dr. Harden's nurse, and she brought out this gigantic box and a bag full of "goodies". She pulled one of the domes out of the box and showed it to me. I think I stopped breathing I was so shocked. Zamora started explaining how it works - start out wearing it 30 mins the first day, then 1-2 hours for a week after, then up to seven or eight hours a day if possible to get the maximum benefit. Then she put it on me and I wouldn't say it hurt but it was a PROCESS and it wasn't comfortable. I was LIVID. I asked how the hell I am supposed to wear this and take care of two kids, run errands, take kids to activities, cook dinner, etc. I kid you not, the dome is as big as my fucking head. And it is sticky so the silicon can seal around your entire breast. She said that other moms have worn it at night after the kids go to sleep. UGH. The only time I get to be with my husband or have time to myself and it has to be limited to sitting in my bed wearing a suction cup the size of a large cantaloupe? Really?!!?! And up to eight hours? I'd have to sleep with the stupid thing sucked to my chest. For 4-6 weeks at a minimum. I told Dr. Hayden I couldn't process this right now. Maybe after summer. Enough is enough for now. I need to distance myself from dealing with breasts, breast cancer, and the like. Mental break. I'm glad I'm able to recognize when I've had enough.
I wanted so much for this last surgery to make me complete. Closer to being done, totally done. I realize though that I won't be "done" like I want to be. I don't think I'm ever going to look like I did when I was 25 but who does after they have kids anyway? I still would have had to have a tummy tuck from the extra skin and stretch marks that resulted from having the twins. Many moms undergo the "mommy makeover" or more crudely, the three "T's" - tits, tummy and trainer. Am I right?
Other than that I have spent my limited free time reading. I want to escape from things a bit. I haven't spent any time talking, emailing or seeing friends, sorry if I've failed to send responses. I appreciate people checking in on me. I've just been laying low. Reading before bed has been all I have the energy for and I have to push to read even one chapter. I enjoyed the Hunger Games trilogy and am on the second book of the Fifty Shades books. Ha ha ha. Two completely different genres but still great in their own ways.
Notes to myself - find a new part time nanny since this is our old one's last week (!!!! this is stressing me out especially because I don't want to hire someone new then have to pay their full salary when we are gone for the month of July !!!); figure out how to make easier healthy dinners so I can whip them together after swim lessons and before bathing the kids; go see Dr. Childs (rectal surgeon - still having issues from Chemo that never went away); go see Dr. Daly (ob/gyn - for another Estring).
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