Being Bald

If you are going to go through Chemo I suggest taking control by cutting your hair ultra short like a pixie. Then if it falls out it will be less noticeable at first and it will accumulate slower as it falls it. Once it starts to really fall out in clumps, it is over. Just shave your head. You'll be so glad that you did. And you'll look and feel bad-ass (even though your scared deep down).  You are a warrior. Don't forget it.

Here are things I did to stop the itchy, cradle cap from forming on my head:

1. Get a surgeon's brush (make that two or three) from your local hospital. I had some that I took from the hospital after giving birth to Leo. They are soft plastic that won't scrub your scalp too much, just enough so that you get the skin to flake off gently. You could also use those large nail brushes that are sold at the drug stores.  I did dry brushing with the nail brush often when my hair started falling out but only AFTER I had shaved my head. 
2. Use sunscreen. Seriously. Even though you may be wearing a hat, scarf, etc. you still need to rub your scalp with some sunscreen since your scalp probably hasn't seen the light of day since you were an infant. What would you do with a sunburnt scalp??  You'd cry.  Don't do it.  And while you're at it it is best to sunscreen your ears and neck too since your hair formerly protected those areas.
3. Moisturize - keep it well lubricated, soft and supple.  It will flake off. I used to stand over the sink with my nail brush, rub the bristles over my scalp to fluff off the dead skin flakes. It would literally look like snow in my sink.  Then I would shower, wash the scalp, then moisturize before bed.
4. Be gentle. Use gentle products like Mustela Newborn infant foaming shampoo or Aveeno baby shampoos. It really helped me. Use gentle moisturizers. After your shower, moisturize your scalp when you are moisturizing your body. 
5. Buy breathable hats. Cotton. Some silk blends. No wool. No polyester. It will bake your head and make you itch, itch, itch. The American Cancer Society has nice breathable cotton hats that are actually pretty cute. I also liked the style of hats that covered my neck as well.

As always, be gentle with yourself. Your scalp is precious. The hair will grow back. Ain't no big thing. Alright? It's just hair. 

Menopause

I am in chemical menopause. No one talks about what happens when you are 35 or even younger and forced into menopause. What physically happens to your body and the mental havoc it creates.

**It really helps to have a loving, devoted and patient husband or partner. I won't lie.**

I've decided that I'm going to be brutally honest here since I have been so much so in the past. It seems in our society that it isn't okay for a woman to be open and honest about her sexuality. We are supposed to keep things under cover. Well, that is just plain old stupid. We should be able to talk about sex openly and honestly so that all women can be empowered. It's fine for me to talk about it, right?  Here is a list of issues that I suffer from post-treatment and due to anti-estrogen therapy. 

Dryness
There are specific tasks that estrogen does for the female body. Keeping your lady parts in great, physical, peak, tender, soft, lubricated shape is one of them. But the vagina is also like a muscle. I'm no scientist but I do believe in mind over matter in controlling aspects of our health. After scouring the internet on menopause websites I have decided to take my sex life by the reigns instead. It's time for a very special and intimate work out.

I tried estrogen suppositories. I didn't like them and didn't seem to work for me. Plus I'm not great at having yet ANOTHER thing to do every night or every few days. Instead, ta-da, Dr. Daly recommended the E-string.  I love this. I don't even know it's there. It's like a a diaphragm.  It works and you don't have to worry about it except for once every three months. That keeps the lady parts closer to how they would be if I were just any normal 35 year old...

I've also decided to create a workout regimen. Are you laughing? We've all heard of kegel exercises and pelvic floor muscles, right? I've even learned that there is physical therapy for this issue!! Without exercising our kegels and pelvic floor muscles we put ourselves at risk for uterine prolapse. I think Dr. Oz had a whole show on it. Cancer or no cancer, menopause or not, work out those Kegels!!

Despite having the large physical disadvantage of no estrogen I am going to do my best and make it work. Now, as my lovely therapist pointed out, that makes sex like work. Well no one wants to think of your sex life as work (I know I never have) but with two young kids and a body fresh from a year of cancer-treatment-hell, that's partly what it is. But this is an issue even non-cancer mommies deal with. My mommy friends say they schedule "sex" appointments in order to have time to be intimate with their husbands. I laughed when one of my girlfriends even went so far as to say she just had to schedule 15 minutes. LOL.

Further more, at the suggestion of my amazing therapist Pam I have ordered adult toys to strengthen that all too important muscle and keep it relaxed and elongated.  Well, they came a couple weeks ago and they freaked me out. Um, small steps grasshopper.

Lack of Libido
I tried testosterone (sublingual compounded drops) to increase my libido but have stopped since I think I am growing peach fuzz on my face (and also because I err on the side of trying to be as natural as possible).  It was Dr. McAndrew's suggestion. It did help but I also was more on edge. I'm not sure I want to keep doing it. The other suggestion she gave me was to try medical mary-jane. Yep. You read that right. She said it would help me relax. I need to go fill my prescription that she gave me months ago... I'm curious to see if she's right but haven't had time to get to a dispensary.

Plus like I said earlier a lot of this is related to the fact that I am just so darn tired from being a mommy.  I think the so called "yummy mummy" woman is a crock of shit. I've never met any mom of two like that. They don't exist. Raising perfect kids, running a household, working even, staying fit and healthy all while looking flawless and being the perfect sex-kitten wife? Puuulllleeeeeezzzeeee.  They rank right up there with unicorns and fairies.

Thank goodness for the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. That lighted a nice little spark. I'll need to venture into other romantic or even erotic books. That really helped with the libido too. Oh and with the imagination too.  Fun, fun, fun.

That's all for now.

M E.

This post is about me. Oh wait, this whole blog is about M E. How boring and selfish.

I've been thinking a lot about my grandfather. I know that he never went to the doctor. Even when something was bothering him. My grandma says that the last time he went to the doctor was about 23 years ago when he had a tumor the size of an egg growing under his arm. She said that since that time he never wanted to go back. What really troubles me is that even though he smoked practically his whole life, it wasn't severe emphysema that killed him. It was a toothache that led to infection that led to dehydration that led to kidney failure that led to three acute strokes. That stage of events may not be completely accurate but that is what the doctors were estimating. The part that upsets me is that it is possible that he could have prevented his demise. The other part that really, truly troubles me is that my grandpa probably wouldn't have gone through cancer treatment like I did. He would have found out far too late. Or if they caught something early (on the off chance he went to the doctor) would he have elected to go through treatment in any form? Chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries?  I wonder what he thought of everything I went through. My grandpa was a man of few words, he rarely held a lengthy conversation. I just remember talking and him listening. When I'd get a laugh or a chuckle I always felt great since other than that it was mostly yes and no answers.

What a different perspective. There are many who choose not to seek treatment. For me that just wasn't an option. After seeing what our friend Heidi went through after electing not to receive traditional treatment and then deciding, too late, to try after the natural methods didn't work, I knew I wouldn't take that risk. I had a daughter and I had a son on the way. I am so thankful for that. I haven't lived enough of my life yet. I wanted, no, NEEDED  to be here for my family. There was no other option. People tell me I am so strong. That I don't look like someone who was or is going through treatment. It's as if no one believes me when I tell them now. But I know. I know that I went through hell and back to be here. I'm just starting to allow myself to think about everything that I've been through. All the prodding, poking, cutting, beaming, injecting, reacting...ugh. When you go through something traumatic you cope. It's not until after it's done that you can reflect back.

All that being said, I am still going through treatment. I am on anti-estrogen therapy. I have one more surgery to go. I have side effects from medications. I am recuperating from surgery. I am healing myself on all levels, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.  Keep on truckin', right?

Boy I wish there was a magic pill for energy. Well maybe there is but I don't want to take it. I need natural energy that comes from being healthy. Being a mom to two kids is challenging. I can't imagine three or more. I feel that with each child you birth, the care and work becomes exponentially hard. I was driving earlier today and saw a child running down the block with the mother following close by; as I drove my I saw she was pregnant and my heart skipped a beat.  Then I realized I was holding my breath. Or I'll see a mom of two with a third on the way and my throat tightens up and I tense up with anxiety. I have no idea why that is but I think it is because I know that the second child is the "game changer". Moms with older kids tell me all the time that they remember how hard "this time" was but that we'll get through it. I know we will too. 

All that being said, to be a "great" mom requires a "great" amount of energy. Parenting seems to follow the rule - what you put out is what you receive in return (hopefully).  I, like all parents, want my kids to be their best and have the best opportunities available. I want them healthy, strong, smart, gorgeous and well-behaved.  This is my priority so this is ALL I am spending my time on. I don't really have time for acupuncture, excess doctor visits, massage, a social life, etc. I'm taking Leo to physical therapy two times a week, both of them to swim lessons Monday-Friday for the next month, Abby to school and gymnastics, and Leo to babygroup.  It's a lot to schedule. 

After my follow-up visit with Dr. Hayden, my right breast looks amazing but my left (the reconstructed breast) still needs more help. The radiation really tightened and hardened the tissue. I have no breast tissue or fat except for the fat that she transferred after the last surgery. It looks and feels ten times better than the expander (thank G-d) but it still needs some finessing. Dr. Hayden reminds me that perfection doesn't happen in a day. I need to be patient. I know I am in excellent hands, she is beyond a perfectionist but at this point I'm anything but patient and I'm wishing she'd be more of an 80/20 surgeon. You know, good enough for who it's for; or 80% perfection and 20% just get it done. She plans to take more fat to make it smoother so there aren't any wrinkles, use more fat for nipple reconstruction and then give me a nipple tattoo.  There's still more to come.

To make matters worse, because radiation left the skin on my left breast so tight Dr. Hayden wants me to wear the BRAVA system (which works the opposite of the expander - it creates room for implant, fat grafting, etc. by creating negative pressure and literally using suction to expand the tissue outward).  I thought "no problem" I could wear that. Many women who are flat chested have even had success wearing the domes to expand their natural tissue up a cup size or two. Well....I met with Zamora, Dr. Harden's nurse, and she brought out this gigantic box and a bag full of "goodies".  She pulled one of the domes out of the box and showed it to me. I think I stopped breathing I was so shocked. Zamora started explaining how it works - start out wearing it 30 mins the first day, then 1-2 hours for a week after, then up to seven or eight hours a day if possible to get the maximum benefit. Then she put it on me and I wouldn't say it hurt but it was a PROCESS and it wasn't comfortable. I was LIVID. I asked how the hell I am supposed to wear this and take care of two kids, run errands, take kids to activities, cook dinner, etc. I kid you not, the dome is as big as my fucking head. And it is sticky so the silicon can seal around your entire breast. She said that other moms have worn it at night after the kids go to sleep. UGH. The only time I get to be with my husband or have time to myself and it has to be limited to sitting in my bed wearing a suction cup the size of a large cantaloupe? Really?!!?! And up to eight hours? I'd have to sleep with the stupid thing sucked to my chest.  For 4-6 weeks at a minimum. I told Dr. Hayden I couldn't process this right now.  Maybe after summer. Enough is enough for now. I need to distance myself from dealing with breasts, breast cancer, and the like. Mental break. I'm glad I'm able to recognize when I've had enough.

I wanted so much for this last surgery to make me complete. Closer to being done, totally done. I realize though that I won't be "done" like I want to be. I don't think I'm ever going to look like I did when I was 25 but who does after they have kids anyway? I still would have had to have a tummy tuck from the extra skin and stretch marks that resulted from having the twins. Many moms undergo the "mommy makeover" or more crudely, the three "T's" - tits, tummy and trainer. Am I right?

Other than that I have spent my limited free time reading. I want to escape from things a bit. I haven't spent any time talking, emailing or seeing friends, sorry if I've failed to send responses. I appreciate people checking in on me. I've just been laying low. Reading before bed has been all I have the energy for and I have to push to read even one chapter. I enjoyed the Hunger Games trilogy and am on the second book of the Fifty Shades books. Ha ha ha. Two completely different genres but still great in their own ways.

Notes to myself - find a new part time nanny since this is our old one's last week (!!!! this is stressing me out especially because I don't want to hire someone new then have to pay their full salary when we are gone for the month of July !!!); figure out how to make easier healthy dinners so I can whip them together after swim lessons and before bathing the kids; go see Dr. Childs (rectal surgeon - still having issues from Chemo that never went away); go see Dr. Daly (ob/gyn - for another Estring).

That'll do...

I've had just about enough. Life is getting the best of me. I am trying to live each day, correction, I am trying to get through each day. It requires so much energy and I'm tired, tired, tired yet I am pushing, pushing, pushing. There is nothing in reserves so I'm lucky if after taking care of the kids I can get through one of two plays at scramble or words with friends before I pass out cold.

Last week was a rough week.  The week prior someone I knew of passed away from an 11 year battle with cancer.  We were going to try to meet but she kept spiraling down before I could get to her place to meet her or take her to radiation. She was the wife of one of David's colleagues. She fought her battle with cancer for 11 years. She was the mother of four beautiful daughters, a devoted wife and was inspirational in her charitable endeavors. It really threw me for a loop. Reading her husband's dedication to her had me sobbing.  You can read his loving tribute about Tess here.

Then I had been thinking about my other PWC (pregnant with cancer) friend Annie and she emailed me back that she is having another recurrence. Her third in 10 years. My heart is so heavy.

Then Saturday as I was dressing to go to ballet my mother called me to say that my grandpa Leo was in the hospital. I had just gone to dinner and the ballet with my sister and we were planning to go over there this weekend to video him and record some of his stories from growing up. Instead, I rushed to the hospital to see him hooked up to a breathing machine and heavily sedated. I talked to him and held his hand. This wonderful man who was more like a father to me than a grandfather.  Then I had to listen to the doctor explain his condition to his mother and I so we could make the decision with the family of whether or not to take him off the machines. I hated seeing him that way. I hated having to make a decision but in the end we knew he wouldn't have wanted to be that way. He never wanted to visit the doctor, dentist, or take medicine. He was adamant about it. Worst thing he every put in his body was cigarettes, coffee and benadryl.  We knew he didn't want extreme measures taken. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night. I kept seeing him with the tubes. I am happy I got to say goodbye in some respect but I want that picture of him deleted from my mind.

Rest in peace Lionel Henry Tavares. You are loved. You will be missed.

Life is so fragile my friends. Too fragile.

I've got a ton of USUAL S H I T going on but I don't want to complain. I'll save that for another post coming soon. I've got a lot to vent about. I'm serious. I'm just going to get some sleep first.