Some of my favorite disaster movies are 2012; the Day After Tomorrow; and Deep Impact. Of course there is also my go to science fiction favorites like Contact, Independence Day and my absolute newest favorite, Gravity. There's an element of surprise to a swift exit like a natural disaster. No drawn out good byes or lengthy fights for survival. It feels totally random who lives and who dies. The wrath of mother nature instead of the wrath of years and years of chemotherapy and the like...
Really, what I have is a certain preoccupation with death and dying; and what that means about life and living. In these movies there are two types of reactions; those that stay and wait to let the disaster take them from this life. As in those that see the wall of water or flying meteor coming and embrace those they love for impact. Or there are those that run away towards safety hoping with every fiber of their being to survive.
How appropriate that as I start to sit and type this blog entry about my preoccupation with dying that on the TV in the background is "Meet Joe Black"... Another movie I really enjoy. Death as a kid in a suit.
William Parrish: It's hard to let go, isn't it?
Joe Black: Yes it is, Bill.
William Parrish: What can I tell you? That's life....
William Parrish: Should I be afraid?
Joe Black: Not a man like you.
William Parrish: It's not what you say about Drew, it's what you don't say.
Susan Parrish: Maybe you're not listening.
William Parrish: Oh yes, I am. There's not an ounce of excitement. Not a whisper of a thrill. This relationship has all the passion of a pair of tit mice. I want you to get swept away out there. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a Dervish.
Susan Parrish: Oh, that's all?
William Parrish: Yeah. Be deliriously happy or at least leave yourself open to be.
Susan Parrish: Okay. Be deliriously happy. I shall... uhh... I shall do my utmost.
William Parrish: I know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy, and who'll love you the same way back. How do you you find 'em? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Because the truth is, honey, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
I think that what's so difficult for me is that I am not actually afraid of the death and dying part. Dying means letting go and resting in peace. I am more afraid of what I will be missing when I am gone. I still want to have some control over things here that are important to me!!! I have been very blessed and privileged in this life. There are things I will miss dearly. I'm not talking about the creature comforts even though they have been most wonderful. The most important thing I will miss is being with this family. Being with my kids and watching them grow up. I so desperately want to be involved in their lives as long as possible. To teach them. To be there when they ask "why" and "why not"...To help them form into little empathetic, intelligent, and compassionate people that can make respectable decisions. Help them learn. Help them find their passions. Watch them make mistakes. See who their friends are. See who they become. See what their interests are. Watch them fall in love. Watch them build their own lives and achieve their own successes and failures. I want to be William Parrish telling his daughter Susan to seek passion and love and happiness.
What provides me some peace is that I know I have lived and continue to live my life doing things and being with people that make me happy. I worked hard in school despite the usual hiccups like mean girls, hormones and boy drama to graduate high school and go to college. I worked hard in college to get the right internship, the right degrees and the right job post graduation. I sacrificed fun, good relationships, various opportunities trying to make my way in the world and to find out what did and didn't make me happy. I am still working on that today. I fell in love a couple of times, I broke hearts and got mine broken too. I learned to take care of myself. I got lucky sometimes but I worked hard too. I learned that I didn't "need" a man to make it in this world but that I wanted one to share this life with. I got married and had three wonderful babies. I experienced grief and pain beyond anything I could have imagined when we lost our son. At the same time I gave thanks that I had a beautiful little girl that needed me to help ease that pain. Oh I how love watching her grow into this independent, curious little being. And then to be blessed with another son, how amazing. Even though he might struggle in this life I know that he will overcome his difficulties and shine to become a brave little warrior. I hope that as I march down this path as a warrior myself that I impart that spirit and drive into my children. Don't give up. I love knowing that they will always have each other for support too.
At this moment I wonder about the quality of life I will continue to have during treatment. When I learned over a year ago about a local woman who passed away from cancer after an 11 year fight I kept thinking, is that what it is going to be for me? Will this be a decade or more of fight? Could I be so lucky? Could I endure it? How exhausting. How exhausted she must have been. Right to the very end. Fighting. Struggling. Hoping. And then eventually knowing that it was the end. No more tomorrows.
I keep asking myself. Who will I be? The person who stops and watches the disaster take place? Or the one who runs up the mountain hoping to survive? I already know the answer.
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