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I didn't mean to offend anyone with my inner dialogue tyraid that went down in Hawaii. I don't blame G-d for what is happening. There are things that I just don't understand and it is easiest to blame someone abstract than to accept that life is random. I have been and am currently blessed in many ways. I am grateful for so many wonderful people, events, experiences, and things in my life. The thing is that I love my life SO MUCH that it pains me to think about not living it in the future. 

I often realize that many daily activities and plans are made with a heavy heart. I simply approach my life plans differently than before. I seem to only make plans a few weeks or months out. I don't make plans that most people are making or thinking of for the future (at least not at the current moment). It's too painful to think of Abby and Leo going to middle or high school because I'm not sure I'll be there to witness it. I desperately hope to be there to help them with their homework, listen to and help sort out school and friend drama, and offer advice that I know may not be taken. I hope and pray that I am around for my family and to experience so much more. 

I read an article in Hawaii about a woman, Susan Spencer-Wendel who was diagnosed with ALS in 2011.  She typed her autobiography and love letter to her family with her thumb as her body degenerated. (This is the kind of thing that makes me so ANGRY; life can be so cruel. I can't fathom the utter disappointment and sadness she must be going through). She took her news in stride. When she learned she had ALS she, her husband and her children dedicated a "magical" year to living out her bucket list. You can watch her interview from the Today show here and please have some tissues handy. 

"Facing the impossible choice to languish or to live, Susan embraced her fate..."
"It's the precious moments with loved ones that punctuate life's roller coaster..."
"It's about finding that peace and that grace to live life to its fullest..."
"A year dedicated to living with happiness, a celebration to create positive memories that would live on when she couldn't..."

The article and interview put things into perspective. If you think in any way that your life is hard, random, or unfair just imagine what this formerly vibrant, capable, accomplished mother of three is dealing with. The phrase "no one said life is fair" comes to mind....

I did a detox retreat over the weekend with David. I love that he joined me for that. I sent him the email a few weeks ago saying that this is what I wanted to do for my birthday present to myself not thinking he would take the bait. He sure did. I love this man so much. He loves his coffee. He loves his wine. He loves his food. But he loves me too. And he loves himself enough to know that health matters. The retreat was through my herbalist and acupuncturist, Dr. Mao, at the Tao of Wellness. 

The retreat was wonderful for my health. I believe the French do something every summer called a "cure". We need to do that as Americans. We can't let the French have all the fun. It's a time to unplug from the world, relax, unwind, recharge the battery and reboot your digestive system and immunity. It was very nice. There were lectures on toxins, nutrition, Qigong sessions, tuina massage, cupping, acupuncture, etc. etc. The most intriguing part was an "emotional detox" lecture and exercise. We were instructed to press on a specific point on the body then remember a time when we experienced a certain emotion - sadness, pain, grief, fear...and then breathe through that memory to release and let go. It was a powerful exercise. When we had to evaluate fear I had a difficult time. Silent tears streamed down my face as I thought about my greatest fear: dying and leaving this family; not being able to watch the kids grow up. That is my greatest sadness and fear all wrapped up into one. My throat seized up and I grabbed it to make the throbbing stop. This happens in my yoga practice at times too. My yoga girl Andrea tells me that is my throat chakra which is about speaking my truth. 

This whole experience has caused me to be in an ethereal mode. I am constantly exploring spiritual ideas and thoughts. Heaven and Hell. Afterlife. Spirituality. Energy. I daydream that when I die I can be a spirit stuck in this world that quietly listens to the happenings in my family's lives as if a fly on the wall. I don't want to miss a thing. That idea gives me the warm fuzzies.

In this quest for answers and peace in my life I am also looking for ways to make my life happy in this moment. Staying present. I am learning more about yoga and chahkras; Buddhism and Hinduism; religion and spirituality; emotional conflict; space and science fiction, etc. I'm just going crazy...

Anyway....I don't need to worry about this right now. The fact of the matter is I'm not going anywhere for quite some time!!! I'm putting that out into the Universe. YOU HEAR ME??!!! I will fight tooth and nail. As Jill Scott would say, "I'm 'bout to take my earrings off; get me some vasoline"...I'll flight clean or I can fight dirty to the very end. 

I heard this song so many times yet never really paid much attention to the lyrics. It is very fitting. I part on this note from the mighty life philosopher...Prince...or the Artist Formerly Known As...

Let's Go Crazy 

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
to get through this thing called life
Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you
There's something else
The afterworld
A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun, day or night
So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
Cause in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own
And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go crazy - punch a higher floor
If you don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around you
At least you got friends
You see I called my old lady
For a friendly word
She picked up the phone
Dropped it on the floor
(Sex, sex) is all I heard
Are we gonna let the elevator
Bring us down
Oh, no Let's Go!
Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Let's look for the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!
We're all excited
But we don't know why
Maybe it's cause
We're all gonna die
And when we do (When we do)
What's it all for (What's it all for)
You better live now
Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door
Tell me, are we gonna let the elevator bring us down
Oh, no let's go!
Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Look for the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!
C'mon baby
Let's get nuts
Yeah
Crazy
Let's go crazy
Are we gonna let the elevator bring us down
Oh, no let's go!
Go crazy
I said let's go crazy (Go crazy)
Let's go, let's go
Go
Let's go
Dr. Everything'll be alright
Will make everything go wrong
Pills and thrills and dafodills will kill
Hang tough children
He's coming
He's coming
Coming

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! ANOTHER YEAR SEXIER (this is a joke)! THIS WILL BE A HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR FULL OF NEW BEGINNINGS!!!