Mind over Matter

"Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks." - Anonymous.

"There is no right or wrong, there just IS" - Andrea Brook, yogagirl.com

"There is no blue print for how to deal with cancer. You can only do your best." - Pam Paige, Therapist

"Anyone who doesn't like what I am doing can seriously SUCK IT." - Jessica Berman

I am learning to speak my own truth. I am trying hard to listen to my body, my heart, and my mind. It is not always easy. I had a wonderful session with my therapist Pam on Thursday. I had to get in to see her because I was having a mini-crisis. The night before I spoke with a seven year metastatic cancer young survivor. She's a tough cookie but scared the living crap out of me. If I wasn't a stronger person I could have spiraled down into a severe depression. It was bad enough that I was down in the dumps for two days after speaking to this woman. I fully processed everything that I discussed with this women. I wanted to hang up on her in the first ten minutes but I didn't. I didn't want to believe what she told me so instead I stayed on the phone with her for an hour and 45 minutes to make her and me feel better. I want to dissect portions of that conversation because I don't want to keep anything in. Since I've been diagnosed my life has been like an open book. Anyone who knows me or even who doesn't know me can read my story here on this blog.  

One thing Pam really helped me realize is that just because you have something underlying in common with someone from a group doesn't mean you're going to like each person within that group. I have been thinking that being in a cancer support group would be very helpful, except I say that while looking through rose colored glasses. You don't always identify with everyone in a group and often, someone who isn't in a good place can suck you in if you aren't strong. The one and only time I went to a cancer support group I thought it was helpful but looking back I recall that two of the six people made me feel depressed. Why would I want to do anything that could possibly make me sad at a time like this? The wordy point I am making is that if going to a support group makes you feel better then you should do it, if it doesn't then there isn't any rule that says you have to go to one! Second point, just because someone else is a cancer survivor doesn't mean you are going to agree with them, their opinions, or their lifestyle. Capiche?

I went to this woman for comfort and instead I was informed about how dire and serious my own situation was...um, thanks? She says that having it in the liver was so terrible. I suggested that it could be worse if I had it in my brain too...she seemed to think they were equally bad. (I am freaking out at this point and thinking, "WTF, do you have a medical degree?!?!"). She went on to say that in her cancer support group she buried two women last year and that she and another friend were the only survivors left. Holy crap, is that something you say to someone who was just diagnosed with metastatic disease?!?!?!  No fucking way.

It gets worse...She then suggested that I analyze what happened in the year since finishing treatment that could possibly make the cancer come back so fast and furious. She said it was angry and that it was pissed. She asked if I took my medications. She asked if I was juicing. She asked if I was resting. She asked if I was taking care of myself. I suggested that I wasn't the best about taking my tamoxifen and that I had taken a serious break from acupuncture... (I felt like a child having to explain to a parent what I had done wrong)... This makes me incredibly angry. THERE IS NOTHING THAT I DID TO MAKE THE CANCER COME BACK. NOT ONE THING. There was nothing within my control that made it come back. Her questions put me on the defensive because asking something like that means that somehow it was within my power to prevent it. Shame on her. It simply just isn't true!!!

The thing is, everyone's journey is different. And every one goes through ups and downs on different days of the week.  Maybe this woman is an amazing survivor advocate but maybe she wasn't feeling it on the day I talked to her. I recognize that and I accept that. What she said didn't resonate with me and I accept that too. Her journey is her journey and my journey is my own.

There is no blue print for surviving cancer. If there was, let's face it, everyone would be doing it and cancer would cease to exist. There is nothing clinically proven that the things inherently within our control will prevent one from getting cancer or having a recurrence. There are possibilities. For instance, if you are overweight you have a higher risk of getting cancer, but you also increase your risk of a myriad of other diseases too. If you smoke heavily you may or may not get lung cancer. If you drink heavily you may or may not develop cirrhosis of the liver or 60 other potential diseases from alcoholism. The old rule "everything in moderation" seems to apply here. As a cancer patient I think I try to control my nutrition, take chinese herbs, mediate, get acupuncture, avoid drinking and more to feel like I have some power over this situation. This sounds wonderful to a perfectionist like myself. It fits nicely in my little box. I can feel in charge of my situation but really the honest truth is that everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another. What I do appreciate about this journey and process is that certain things I am learning and experiencing are true for ANYONE in life. Eating healthy feels good in general. Working out feels amazing too. Avoiding alcohol and sugar feels good too. There are other times when I just want to go out to dinner with David and have a gosh darn martini, indulge in rich foods and enjoy dessert. Sometimes you have to do what feels good too. I know I don't feel great about it the next day but it's not like I'm doing that all the time. Every once in a while you have to just be and enjoy and answer a craving or two.

I don't know if the idea of mind over matter works while dealing with cancer... I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what is the perfect way to be when you have cancer. I am learning to find the balance between "ultra organic, green juicing, vegan, meditating, power walker" and "indulging sugar, alcohol, red-meat eating couch potato".  There is a huge spectrum in between.  I'm not going to put extra pressure on myself to be perfect, all we can do is the best that we can.

I am, however, sticking to my mantra to be positive in my everyday life. None of us know when our time may be up. I would rather live each day being positive, creating special moments and feeling good about myself than dwelling on the negatives. There are lots of negatives in anyone's life and it is easier to dwell in them and be depressed. The braver and harder thing is to love yourself. Have a down moment and then let it pass and move on...

The most challenging thing I am learning is to not judge myself. Not judging myself is the hardest thing I am learning to do. This is where my yoga guru is helping me tremendously. If I feel a certain way, don't tell myself not to feel that way which is what I have historically done. Just acknowledge the feeling, the emotion, the thought and say "hmmm. well, there's that. interesting. let it go. it is what it is." Not judging others is equally difficult. But seriously who are we to judge? Everyone has their own process and journey.

I'm learning to love myself. I'm learning to respect myself and my decisions. I'm learning to enjoy what I have, enjoy what I've been given and how I've been blessed in my life. I'm learning to work through my challenges. I'm learning forgiveness. Forgiving myself and forgiving others so I can move on.

I'll keep reading my Pema Chodron and trying miserably to meditate and keep fighting the good fight.
I'm not ready to go anywhere yet.

Other updates:
Tolerating the Xeloda fine. Upset tummy a little once in a while but nothing I can't handle. Blood counts were actually good on Friday. Vitamin D is down for some reason.  Guess I'll take some pills and sit in the sunshine. I've been experimenting to get the right dose of "special cookie" that makes me relax and sleep through the night. It's all natural and it's all right!

Daily fighting with insurance company for treatment for Leo. They want me to go in network. I want him to see the best in our area. There in lies the disconnect. In network is usually not the best. I figured out they require an in-network, out-of-network authorization...oh boy, so that is in the works. He's still not walking but getting stronger everyday and his speech has improved dramatically. It is so rewarding to see. All the leg work with these specialists and the Westside Regional Center is finally coming to fruition.