Bad Days Anyone?

I've learned two important things this weekend. Everyone has bad days, even cancer patients. That's a serious joke. (Get it, it's an oxymoron).

Here are the two critical pieces of information I must share:
1) Everyone has bad days...(not just cancer patients...)
2) Bad days are not a good time to talk about feelings that start bubbling up...

I made a serious mistake this weekend because I proceeded to have #1 and then continued to do #2. That's funny, in a Beavis & Butthead kind of way but I digress. When you are having a bad day it can simply take over and spiral out of control. Some days it feels like the Universe is out to get you. Like one of my favorite kid books "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"...

I get into this bad habit of pushing myself. Many times too hard. That is a hard fact to actually admit. I tend to overdue it and overextend myself. That is when I get into trouble. Saturday was a rough day. It started out so great, I went to ballet, then after class I went to the ballet shop and bought my first pair of pointe shoes. I actually stood up in pointe shoes, as in, a real ballerina. I was so quietly happy with myself. This is a huge milestone in my ballet career. I then went home and rushed in to see the kids.

David was out cycling and the kids were inside playing with the nanny. I got home and was hungry. I should have eaten right then but Abby was complaining about being hungry so I started to make the kids lunch. Abby was riding her bicycle at lightning speed around the kitchen island and ran into me several times. That was irritating. Then I started wondering why the nanny hadn't started their lunch...and started getting more irritated.  After that I started organizing the house since we were meeting with a broker about selling our house. I was rushing around like a crazy person and the more I did, the more angry and crazy I got. As I was organizing the kitchen I thought, my mom and I just organized the pantry perfectly, labels and everything and crap was still just shoved everywhere; which led me to be super annoyed with our help. "We pay all these people all this money and I still have to organize this f-ing pantry?!?!?" I started complaining about them in my head more and more as I started to peel back the layers of disorganization in the various rooms. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I should not have been doing that. And so the bad day began...

Mistake #1 - instead of nourishing my body I deprived it by ignoring my hunger.  Which led to mistake #2 - Gave in to my OCD and started aggressively cleaning, vacuuming, organizing the house with reckless abandon... which led to mistake #3 - Stopped living in present moment, stopped "letting go of the little things"...and all that jazz. I knew it was happening and I even tried to buck up at one point when I was cleaning and take some deep breathes but I couldn't snap out of it. Sometime you just have to experience the bad day and see what it brings up. Many times things that don't normally bother us will surface on a bad day and it can be "interesting" (mockingly) to see what comes about.

I am typing all this because I don't want people to think I am constantly walking around completely relaxed in the present moment practicing mindful awareness with ujjayi breaths, chanting ohms and blowing smoke up my own ass. That would be ridiculous. That is always a goal but I am a living, breathing, idiot human who is constantly working to improve myself.  It is exactly in those moments of struggle that we can say "holy crap!...what it THAT ABOUT?"..."why am I thinking about that" or "where is that coming from?"...

It was one thing after another. I just let the negative thoughts spiral a bit out of control, all the while taking mental notes to come back to them another time and not take them too seriously. Here's some sample monologue: "Wow, look at the lines on my face...why do you care? you could die in two years. Or five. Or one. Or ten. G-d, I hope its 10 or longer.  I wonder if cancer patients can have surgeries? Will I ever be able to get that tummy tuck and fat grafting done to finish the breast reconstruction? Will I die a frankenstein wretch? Do cancer patients get botox? I suppose I finally have to admit that I will never become a famous movie or television star. My looks are totally fading. It is so sad to give up on a dream. I mean, you are just trying to stay alive after all, everything else is icing on the cake. Dang, that really sucks. OMG, you are so vain, who cares. You are a great person, no I'm not, well I should do this, I should do that, I should, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I am, I'm not, etc. etc." The self-talk just goes on and on and it is BANANAS.

So after not really eating lunch, and snacking somewhat after the broker meeting, David and I decide to go out for a nice adult dinner because I told him a few days before that I wanted to do so on Saturday night. Oh boy. File that under bad idea. I had wanted so badly to have some adult time with the hubby. He's been traveling a ton and I have been stuck in toddler world. That desire, however, was no match for the bad day I was having. After a martini I started to bring up serious, deep topics because they have been brewing and needed to come out. For the love of all things wonderful, please do no do that. I should have said, "I am having a really bad day and I need to talk about some things with you that have really been on my mind but now is not a great time..." And since guys never like the hear they have to have "a talk" (I have heard this makes their balls shrink, hey, I'm just sayin')...so I would have continued with "I have some sad thoughts about my illness and when I am in a  better place I want to talk to you about them"... Instead, I just kept harping on things and bringing up awful topics like my dying and him getting remarried and other nonsense that turned into a horrible fight. That, compounded by a drink or two, is a recipe for disaster because things are said in the moment that you can't take back.

I feel terrible for some things that I said. I can't take them back. I didn't think my thoughts through. I just had, what is a perfect term for this, diarrhea of the mouth. Disgusting. I'm so sorry for David. Facing a terminal illness is difficult but it is also challenging to sort out all the emotions. But its best not to do it on an empty stomach, under the influence, after having the worst day ever. Just remember that bad days happen..."even in Australia"...and even to cancer patients.


Other updates:
Xeloda cycle #3 started Monday night. I am super, duper tired. And Dr. Mao said I'm in a bit of a rebellious phase. I haven't been drinking my herbs. I am doing too much. I'm skipping meals. I'm not eating great (well, sort of, I've been lax about candy since it is in the house after the holidays....but I try to counteract that with pressed green juices. That reminds me of my friend Heather who, when pregnant with her first child told me that she always was in mental agony about what she ate and often found herself forcing down some lettuce or other random green in the middle of the night when she'd had a day of eating too many sweets...LOL).