Happy Valentine's Day

I think every day should be a day where we take the time to show our loved ones how much we love and appreciate them. It seems so simple but it's not. It's really a large task, isn't it? I notice that with the kids. I mean, really - why are they so much whinier and crankier with me than with anyone else? All the experts say it is because they are the most comfortable and safe with their parents so they act up to test the limits. Too often we neglect those closest to us. They can see the worst of us instead of the best of us. They are safe. They are comfortable. We can be cranky and whiney. We have to do our best to not take advantage of that. When David and I got married our Rabbi said we should practice giving our best to each other instead of our worst. It's so easy to come home after a long, hard day and just release the dragon and breathe fire on who ever happens to be around. Or conversely when we talk politely, calmly and patiently to strangers, acquantainces or people we are trying to impress... We are so interested in what they have to say. Wouldn't that energy be better served by giving it to those that really deserve it?

I try to remember this every day. Take a breath. Be patient. Be loving. Be kind. It's like that with ourselves too. I judge myself, too harshly all the time, I am impatient, unloving, unforgiving, and unkind to myself.  I'm working hard to change that inner monologue. Whether you're religious or not, Valentine's is a good reminder to be loving to others and to ourselves.  Thank you for taking this time to be with me, to read my blog and to care about me. I love you and I appreciate your support!!

I'm here at Tower Oncology getting my infusion. This starts the first round of my second cycle. I mean, what says "Love" more than poison in your veins? Am I right? Anyone...anyone... My blood counts were just at the brink of being too low but they approved me to go ahead. Woo hoo!

Oh, there was just one issue. Whomever did my scheduling at Tower and made my appointment forgot to add the notation that I am doing the cold caps. The cold caps require two days in the freezer to get cold enough (-32 degrees) which means they need to be put in the freezer Wednesday so I can get my chemo right on time on Friday morning. I arrived this morning and everyone is asking me "where's your caps?" Really, how the F-#$ do I know??!?! Turns out they were sitting at room temperature upstairs at Tower. Great. So there was a mad dash to figure out what the heck I could do. Turns out Gail, the wonderful therapist who changes my caps happened to bring some dry ice with her in her cooler that could help start to cool the caps. Then she went to smart-n-final to buy $55 more worth of dry ice to cool the others. Only two problems arose from this 1) I had to start chemo at 12 instead of 9, and 2) the caps weren't consistently cool under the dry ice, some parts would be -50 and others +18 so we figured out that we could chill them close to -50 then transfer them over to the fridge at my chair to make them equalize. It made for a stressful morning but I kept my "cool and it all worked out! Thank you to Gail for making it happen! She's truly a caring person and is so good at her job.

I've had some issues since my last post. I developed some issues due to the port. I have some cording in my arm and I started something called "Mondor's Disease" under my right breast. It's uncomfortable but I'm still able to keep up with my normal routine. Let me rephrase that. To be honest, my "normal" routine is just f-ing bananas. I would love to figure out more time to rest. But I love LIFE and all that it has to offer! I've been feeling fine despite the chemo but perhaps my body is saying, not really. You're not really feeling fine. You need to cut back and relax. Take more breaks. Do more yoga. Sit quietly. Do less. All right, all right. That's why this crap started in my veins.

So Mondor's Disease, which I was at first calling Mordor's Disease, as in the Lord of the Rings Mordor, is superficial thrombophlebitis. Super thrombawhaaaaat?  Here's a link to a case study that better explains it. Superficial thrombophlebitis (Mondor's Disease) and here's a photo of what mine looks like. It runs from the bottom of my ribs up to my shoulder (which is hard to see since there is a boobie in the way... It is basically vein hardening and there is no harm that can come from this condition except discomfort if treated right away... So that's good news. I am continuing the coumadin, adding in extra ibuprofen (another blood thinner) and using a heating pad. All of this is to reduce inflammation that is most likely a result of the port surgery. I also have cording in my right arm where the port is that feels like tightness under my skin. I'm familiar with this since I worked all that cording out in my left arm for a little more than a year after my mastectomy. I truly dislike that I am becoming some sort of freak show medical case. I'm ready for all this to go away. And fast. I have a physical therapy appointment next Tuesday that I am looking forward to.

I started my fast like a good girl on Tuesday. I am totally fine doing it but I would really, really love to eat something. I mean really. Everything looks delicious. I fell asleep for two minutes in my chemo chair and I was dreaming of hamburgers. From Apple Pan. With French Fries and Chocolate Cream Pie. I haven't eaten that in the longest time. It's so interesting what food deprivation will do to your head. I'm sure if I ate that to break my fast I'd be in a world of hurt but my brain just says..."ME NEED FAT. ME NEED TASTY FOOD NOW...ME HUUUUNGRY!!!" (a la cookie monster).

The effects of my fast are...hunger. Ha ha ha ha. No in all seriousness, I notice that I am super duper spacey. I forget words and they take longer than normal for me to find the right word I want to say or eventually...poof!...the word is just gone and I'm stuck talking to someone looking like a deer caught in the headlights. ME HUNGRRRYYYY. NOM. NOM. NOM.